A/N :

italics  = thought

Eunha thought that chugging down a bottle of sleeping pills were going to be a good way to end everything. She has been trying for a year. She was praying, she has always been praying for Sowon to come back. Yet, she knows that it’s impossible. It’s something that’s beyond hope.

If Sowon can’t come back to her, then she’ll be the one who will run to her.

Eunha just wanted, she just wanted to put an end to everything she’s been feeling all this time. A year has passed since the funeral yet she’s still in love with Sowon. And just like how time has stopped flowing for Sowon… for Eunha, time has been stopping as well.

Eunha couldn’t move forward. She doesn’t want to.

What if someday she can’t recall what kind of voice Sowon has? The way Sowon’s eyes lit up at her. The gentle smile. The laughter. The warm hug. Everything Sowon, she wanted to remember it.

Eunha is afraid that someday, she’ll forget. She can’t and doesn’t want to.

And the world without Sowon, she doesn’t want to exist in that world.

It isn’t like she didn’t try to forget her pain. At first, it’s only a tiny scratch on her hand. It wasn’t enough to draw blood. When she did that, it’s like she felt relief run through her body. Like, the tiny pain she felt is nothing compared to the suffocating feeling inside her.

The tiny scratch soon wasn’t enough for it. Then as she looked at the glint on the razor, it’s like she has been seduced. As if the shiny razor was talking to her. Softly, whispering, ‘Use me… use me. Run me through your wrist… the pain will help you forget it. Forget the pain inside your heart.’

Will it really help? The pain in my heart, will it go away?

‘Of course. If only for a moment. You’ll forget it. Come on, you want to forget your pain, right?’

…yes, yes… I want to.

‘Then, what are you waiting for? Pick me, run me through your wrist… do it…’

So, Eunha used the razor, she took it, slowly she run it through her wrist. The blood started to appear. Slowly, slowly it fell from the cut on her wrist. The sight of blood didn’t scare Eunha. Instead, as she let go of the razor, she felt like the weight on her chest, the suffocating feeling decreased. Just like what the razor has said before, Eunha forget the pain inside her heart momentarily. It’s like a little bliss.

So, she did it again. And again. Until the tiny marks on her wrist continued to grow. Until both of her hands were covered with scars.

--

Soon, the tiny marks wasn’t enough. She needed something more. Something much more effective to forget her pain.

And she’s also missing Sowon a lot. She long for Sowon’s smile, her laughter, the kind pat. She long for Sowon’s touch, for her gentle kiss, for her tears. She long for Sowon.

The razor was whispering words again to her. ‘If you want it to go permanently, use me a little deeper. Run me through your wrist a little deeper than usual. Do it on both of your wrists. The pain will go away permanently then.’

Eunha shook her head. Refusing the idea. It’s going to be messy. Her parents—oh, her parents, they were going to—if they saw the state she’s in, they’ll—the memories of their only child drowned in blood—Eunha doesn’t like the idea of letting her parents suffered like that.

So, she settled for the next thing she could find. Sleeping pills the psychiatrists has predescribed to her. She’ll just sleep and disappear. No messy blood will be left to traumatized her parents.

--

As she lay her head on Umji’s shoulder, she feels a churning sensation on her stomach. Her ears are buzzing and her stomach is being stabbed by thousand needles. She wants to vomit.

Yet, Eunha endures it. She just closes her eyes. Through the buzzing sounds, she heard Umji’s panicked shriek and SinB’s approaching yelled with hurried footsteps.

A part of Eunha wants to calm Umji’s down yet, her eyes are so so heavy. Slowly, she’s slipping away from the world. The world without Sowon. For a moment, she felt bliss seeping inside her pores. A feeling of freedom.

--

Yet, as she opened her eyes to the white ceiling, she knows that she’s wrong.

“Unnie?! You are awake?! Are you stupid?! What are you doing?!” Umji’s wrath is the one greeting her.

Eunha just smiled at Umji crookedly. “You should have let me sleep, Umji.”

“What—what are you talking about?!”

“SUnbae?! Are you really—please don’t do that kind of stuffs anymore!” SinB’s angry voice is the one she heard next.

“Eunha, dear… please… please move on? It’s been a year… a year, dear,” her mother has said through tears streaked cheeks.

“…I don’t want to move on,” Eunha whispers, “What if I don’t want to move on? Don’t you see—can’t you see…?”

“Can’t see what?! Sowon-unnie… she wished for your happiness!” Umji yells. For a moment, Eunha is strucked by it. Their Umji who never raised her voice even when she’s annoyed is yelling right now. At her. “Why—Eunha-unnie, why—“

“Exactly that… she wished for my happiness. Yet, being with her is my happiness, don’t you get it?” Eunha chuckled bitterly before she starts to cough.

“What I want is for her to come back to me… just that,” Eunha says again after she stopped coughing.

“Unnie…” Umji says softly.

“I am tired. Let me rest for a moment.” Eunha coughed.

And then the nurse comes and informed them that the visiting hour has ended.

“Okay, we’ll come back soon okay.” Her mother, her gentle heart mother is petting her head sofly.

“Mama, goodbye,” Eunha says softly as her mother starts to leave the room. Her mother just smiles at her.

“Sunbae, we’ll visit you tomorrow morning.” an awkard pat to her hand from SinB.

“Unnie, Eunha-unnie… wait for a bit more. Don’t—don’t leave on your own,” Umji whispers.

Eunha laughs. “Goodbye, Umji… SinB. I’ll still be here when you come tomorrow.”

--

Eunha stares at the ceiling and softly she whispers to herself. “I am sorry, but I am so so so tired. And it’s been hurting so much… I just—everyone I am sorry but—I can’t go on anymore. So tired.”

Eunha takes out the IV in on her hand, slowly she closes her eyes, and her conscisiouness is drifting away. Further slipping away to a deep deep sleep. Her room soon be swarmed by doctor and nurses, cries could be heard as well. Asking her, pleading at her to endure everything, to do her best, to live, to move on.

But, she can’t do that. Because even after a year has passed, the rain who has been falling on her, Eunha can’t stop it by herself. The rain has drowned her. A year and she still stays the same. A year passed and Eunha still—the sun is still refusing to shine on her. Eunha is giving up.

Along with that resignation, the beating heart is slowly coming to a stop. Relief flooded her. The pain, the weight she has been feeling, it all has been lifted up. And like that, darkness surround her senses. She couldn’t hear anything anymore. Couldn’t feel anything anymore. Before, the void scared her. But, right now she embraces it. She’s alone with her thought. The thought of finally able to meet her again. To meet her beloved again.

And she sees her in the distance. The girl who has been plaguing her mind and heart. That girl is shaking her head with teary eyes but her arms are opened, as if she’s been waiting for her.

The sight of her beloved bring a smile, a real smile, out of Eunha’s lips.

And Eunha feels peace. And happiness. And finally at home. With her. With Sowon.

The rain which has been following her has stopped falling ever since she laid her eyes on Sowon.

--

A/N : ｡◕‿◕｡

enjoy and thank you for reading and commenting~

psst, before you decide to kill me because there's still so many unanswered questions, please rest assure that the questions are going to be answered soon~