A/N :

blue = song

italics  = thought

She watched the world spinning round and round. Or is it her who’s been spinning. Dizzy and a bit disoriented, she closed both of her eyes. The world stopped moving and she’s falling. Fall and fall into a dark dark world. Where everything was nothing but darkness. As fear gripped her heart, She forced herself to open her eyes. The world was still engulfed in darkness. So, she ranranran. To escape the endless darkness surrounding her. Yet, only darkness appeared.

Softly, she heard voices around her. Murmuring words she couldn’t fathom. Adding more fright into her already racing heart. “Who—who is it?! Come, show yourself!” she shouted to the faceless voice. As she got no answer, she covered her ears with her hands. She didn’t need to hear voices of people she didn’t know. Yet, the murmurs only get louder. And louder. Penetrating her covered ears.

“…—ha, Eunha!”

She removed her hands from her ear. Now that the voice is clearer, she could make up what the murmurs are about. The longer she listened, the more confused she became. “Who is Eunha?” she asked.

“EUNHA!”

That voice kept on stubbornly calling that name. Something was nagging at the back of her head. Pricking her heart at the familiar voice.

“Jung Eunha, wake up!”

The familiar voice was getting more desperate as she listened.

“Please wake up. I am begging you…”

She tried to remember who has been calling that name with so much sorrow. Slowly, a face appeared in her mind. With face come name. With name come recognizion. With recognizion come pains. With pains come explosions.

--

“Eunha, you are awake?!” Sowon’s worried question and worried eyes were the one greeting her once she managed to open her eyes.

Eunha tentatively touched Sowon’s face. “Sowon-unnie?”

“Yes, are you okay? You are screaming and crying when you sleep. Why are you even sleeping on the swing like this?”

Eunha’s mind was a jumbled mess. “Are you really Sowon-unnie? Are you real?”

“Eunha,” Sowon sighed. She placed both of Eunha’s hands on her cheeks. “Eunha, I am Sowon. I am as real as I can be. You are touching my face, aren’t you?”

Eunha nodded slowly. “You are… real?”

Sowon smiled. “I am real, Eunha.” gently she kissed each of Eunha’s knuckles.

Eunha covered her eyes with the back of her hands. Covering the tears that have been running freely ever since she saw Sowon again. She felt Sowon was gently pulling her hands away. “Why are you crying?” she softly asked. Sowon gathered her in her arms. Holding her tightly and gently whispering words of assurance into her ears. Hearing such gentle words, the one she has been dying to hear again, Eunha’s heart ache painfully.

--

“Eunha, want to go on a date with me? It’s late at night and all but—“

“Yes, unnie. Let’s go on a date. Now,” Eunha cut Sowon’s words away.

Sowon smiled at her. Yet, in Eunha’s eyes, it looked like Sowon was about to cry. So, Eunha took Sowon’s hand with hers and gave it a light squeeze. Sowon still looked like she wanted to cry but, she squeezed her hands back, as if assuring Eunha that she’s okay.

--

They went for a walk around the neighbourhood. Taking the familiar road to the park where they first met. Sowon was holding her hand all the way there. Eunha felt like they were walking through borrowed times. Yet, she wanted it to last. She didn’t want the night to ever end.

“Unnie, let’s take a photo together?” Eunha requested. She was rummaging through her pant for her phone.

Sowon only stared at her sadly.

“Unnie, you don’t want to? I mean, I don’t look the best right now, I mean what with the red eyes and—“

“No, you are as beautiful as ever, Eunha. But, taking photo is… you know I won’t show up at the photo, right?”

Eunha’s eyes went big but it calmed down moment later, she nodded. “I know. But, I don’t care. I want to take a photo with you no matter what. I want to keep the memories that everything is real. Even if it a dream, I still want to keep it.”

“Okay… okay, let’s take lots of photos then.”

--

They walked back to their home, at the swing they used to play with, Eunha made Sowon sat on it. “Unnie…”

“Yeah?”

Eunha climbed into Sowon’s lap.  “Unnie… are you going to leave after this…?” she took a strand of Sowon’s hair.

Instead of answering her, Sowon was just smiling her stupidlybeautifulsadsmile.

“Stay. Stay with me.”

“Eunha…”

“When I said I want your forever, I don’t mean it in this way! What I want is for you to stay beside me.”

“And I am staying beside you, as long as you keep me inside your heart.” Sowon pressed her hand at Eunha’s chest. “Here, if you keep me here, I’ll stay beside you forever.”

“That isn’t the same. Unnie’s voice, unnie’s smile, unnie’s warmth, I can’t feel that if you leave. It’s different, Sowon-unnie.” Eunha cried.

“I know… I am sorry, sorry I love you yet I make you cry like this…”

“Unnie… why are you doing something like that? Why would you go that far just to save me?”

Sowon laughed. It felt like it has been such a long time, that Eunha heard that laughter. Though she wasn’t sure what’s so funny about it.

“I want to kiss you,” Sowon said after she stopped laughing.

Flustered and not sure what to do at the sudden request, Eunha could only nod dumbly. As Sowon’s face got closer to her, Eunha closed her eyes. Sowon’s kiss is tender and chaste. It came and went just as fast.

“I love you. You should have known that by now, little rabbit,” Sowon chuckled. “I love you, which is the reason why I want to keep you safe. I’ll do anything to do that.”

“So selfish. I don’t want to be saved like that. I don’t—“ Eunha clutched on Sowon’s clothes. “I don’t want that—I don’t want you to leave like this—unnie, i— you are so infuriatingly selfish!” Eunha threw weak punches on Sowon’s chest, who did nothing to stop Eunha. “So so so selfish, I hate that part of you so much right now, unnie. Don’t—don’t go and decide stuffs like that on your own—don’t get hurt because of me. Don’t die for me…”

“I am sorry… Eunha, I am so so sorry….”

“Is sorry all you could say?!” Eunha snapped. “Haven’t I told you before… don’t get hurt because of me—mmfth—“

Sowon has cut her words with a kiss. Briefly, Eunha wondered why their kiss always tasted like salt, painful and felt like tears.

“I am sorry. I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone,” Sowon said, “I am sorry I am selfish. I am sorry, but given the chance, I’ll always choose your safety over mine.”

“Unnie, you are stupid.”

“I know.”

“I love you. Do you know that? Do you know how I feel?”

Instead of answering her, Sowon just shown her that infuriatinglysadbutbeyondbeautifulsmile. The one which never stop made Eunha felt weak at her knees.

“Eunha… show me your smile?” Sowon asked.

Tears streaked her cheeks, a crooked smile is the best she managed to do for now. “It is going to look weird, don’t blame me for it.”

“It isn’t weird, you are beautiful, Eunha. Your smile is the most beautiful.” Sowon touched Eunha’s cheeks. Gently, she wiped the tears away. “The day I leave, make it as a special day. A day in which my beloved Eunha become strong even if I have became a star.”

“Unnie…”

“Live well, Eunha. Live well and be happy.”

“You are asking too much from me.” Eunha made a face. i am sorry, i don't think i could...

Sowon chuckled. “I miss you. I love you.”

“I love you, Sowon-unnie. My precious Sowon-unnie… I love you. I love you. I love you.” Eunha kissed Sowon’s eyelids softly. “I wish I could stay inside this dream forever.”

Eunha kissed Sowon’s lips. Gently at first but it went more and more desperate, more needy, more painful. As they kissed, Eunha felt that Sowon was starting to disappear. That they have run out of time. Futilely, Eunha tried to grasp on Sowon who looked at her with a smile and tears. Sowon was crying. And Eunha couldn’t do anything to wipe it. Eunha tried to touch Sowon but she only touched empty air. Desperation seeped into her, from her toe to her heart.

--

Eunha opened her eyes to a white ceiling. Smells of anticeptics filled her senses. Her hand felt heavy, she turned to look at the heap of head there. Her mother. “Mama?” she called weakly.

“EUNHA?! You are awake?! Wait, I’ll call the doctor first!” her mother shouted and left her there.

Eunha wondered what day is it. What had happened—

“Wait, mama?! Where is Sowon-unnie?? Is she okay?! There’s fire and—“ Eunha franctically asked her mother who has came back with the doctor. Eunha was struggling to get up from her bed when her mother rushed to her side, hugged her and cried.

“Oh, dear. My dear… Sowon was—she’s already—“

“NO! NO! NO! I don’t continue that line of words! I don’t want to hear it!” Eunha covered both of her ears. “I don’t—it can’t be true—no, it can’t!”

Her mother just held her while she broke down.

--

“Helly, pretty customer, how could I help you?” the friendly waiter asked her as soon as Eunha steps into the bakery.

Eunha strained her eyes to read at the girl’s nametag. “I would like a carrot cake,” Eunha pointed at one of the cake on display.

“Coming up!” the girl said cheerfully. She walked fast to the display and put the carrot cake into a box. “Do you want to write something on it? Is it for a birthday?” the girl asked as Eunha paid for the cake at the cashier.

Eunha shook her head. “No, it’s for an anniversary.”

“Oh, then what do you want to write on it?”

“No, you don’t have to write anything on it.”

“Is that so? Alright then, here, your cake.”

“Thank you,” Eunha smiled politely.

--

Eunha walked through the crowded street, she only has one place she wants to visit. A year has passed and all she managed to do is faking a smile. She has forgotten how to properly smile. The house was already close, the house of the girl she loved, no loves. Because even after a year passed, Eunha was still in love with that girl.

Eunha tentatively knocked on the door. A familiar face greeted her.

“How is she?” Eunha asked the girl.

“Still the same. She continued to alternately looking at her doll blankly or trying to get herself drunk enough so that she could meet her, even if it’s only an illusion.”

“But, that girl, she has high tolerance level for alcohol. It’s difficult for her to get drunk.” Eunha recalled the past in which the girl was asking her for a dance after they chugged on beer like it’s a glass of water. She didn’t look drunk but just slightly tipsy. And hearing that girl is trying to drown her sorrow away sounded so absurd to Eunha.

“She realized that too… and she’s feeling even more miserable because of it.” Eunha notices the stares directed at her hand. “She wouldn’t accept your gift…” she pointed at the cake on Eunha’s hand.

“I know she wouldn’t accept it. But, it didn’t mean that I wouldn’t try. If she really didn’t want it, you could keep it instead.” Eunha shoved the cake onto the girl’s hand. “SinB… your hair is no longer highlighted, huh?”

SinB toys with her hair. “I got bored of it. Do you want to see Umji now?”

Eunha shook her head. “No, I just come because today is special and I want to know how her condition is.”

SinB was silent for once.

“You are so talkactive in the past, SinB.”

“You are really good at faking your smile now, Eunha-sunbae.” SinB sighed. “Today is the day she died. I should have punched those stupid students who have been irresponsible and careless with their bonfire!”

“I heard you already did, you gave them black eyes.”

“Not enough, that wasn’t enough, should have punched them until they couldn’t move.”

Eunha chuckled. “Well, that being said. I am going home now.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Eunha turned her body away, she was just taking a few steps away from SinB when the younger girl called.

“Sunbae.”

“Hn?”

“You… you aren’t going to do anything stupid, right?”

Eunha laughed. She waved her hands and left.

--

Eunha greets her mother who is in the middle of preparing lunch. Looking at her mother, Eunha feels a bit of pain, her mother looked like she’s been aging a few years older. She smiles to her mother and offers to help her. At the joyous smile she received from her mother, Eunha feels guilt seeped into her heart. She has been such a bad daughter.

“Mama, I am sorry.”

“Why child? Don’t be. It’s okay,” her mother smother her with gentle smiles. And another prick to her heart is being added.

“I love you,” Eunha say to her mother.

“I know, I love you too,” her mother smiles. She pulls Eunha and hugs her. Gently, she pats Eunha’s back.

Eunha’s guilt is clawing her heart.

--

Eunha hums to herself as she sat on the swing. She puts her headphone, closes her eyes, and pushes the swing with her legs. Strangely, it doesn’t move. Opening her eyes, Eunha is face to face with Umji. Umji who she never seen since the funeral of—

Stopping her own train of thought, Eunha focuses her eyes at the stuffs on Umji’s hands. The giant elephant doll which she and Sowon has given in the past and a phone.

“Unnie… let me stay with you for a bit,” Umji requests softly.

Eunha pats the space beside her. “Come here.”

“What song do you hum before?”

“Some song I made up.”

Umji pushes the swing with her leg. “Sing it for me.”

Eunha contemplated for a bit. She looks at Umji’s appeareance. There’re bags under her eyes. Her eyes are puffy and swollen, sign that she has been crying a lot. Maybe she only stopped because she has no tears left to cry. At the clothes that Umji used, it’s—Eunha’s heart is aching when she recognizes the oversized clothers is Sowon’s.

Umji looked different from the old Umji. This one doesn’t have any sun in her eyes. This one is older and gloomier. Again, Eunha’s heart is aching.

“Unnie, sing it for me?” Umji used her soft voice, the one she always used whenever she wanted something from Sowon or her.

“Okay…” Eunha relents. It has been such a long time since Umji called her ‘Unnie’ or asking anything from her.

the rain smells like you

the places i walk through

it reminds me of you

Eunha glances at Umji. She has her eyes closed. She’s hugging the doll close to her heart and leaning on Eunha’s shoulder.

every moment i spent with you

is happiness

yet only tears come

Eunha closed her eyes.

you told me you loved my smile

foolishly foolishly

i try to smile for you

Memories are playing inside her mind.

tell me, how do i do that?

how do i smile now that you are not here?

She feels a tug at her hand. Eunha opens her eyes to Umji who is in the middle of inspecting her arm. She pushes the sleeves higher. Eunha’s bare arm is open to the sight. Umji caressed at every inch of scars there.

if i erase you

could i smile again?

how do i erase you?

when everything

everything remind me of you

Eunha feels like her own feeling is too overwhelming right now. Tears have started to make its way down.

come back

please come back to me

come back

as if you never leave

Eunha wishes, that everything is just a dream. She still makes that wish even now.

tell me, how do i stop the rain?

i can't stop it

i can't do it by myself

Umji is hugging her now. Eunha knows that SinB is watching from distance. SinB, who has been taking care of Umji ever since—

your presence is like a warm raincoat

hugging me

gently kindly firmly

shielding me from the cold rain

Calmly, Umji is caressing her hair.

without you

i live with the rain above my head

the rain falls and falls

it keeps on welling up

They both are gentle and kind, yet it is different.

if i erase you

could i breathe again?

how do i erase you?

when everything

everything remind me of you

Even the way Umji hold onto her is similar with Sowon.

i miss you

when i close my eyes

our memories are the one appeared

Both hugs are filled with warmth, yet Eunha only feels cold. Because—

your name which has been written

in my heart

how do i erase that?

it has been permanently engraved there

Because Umji isn’t Sowon.

come back

please come back to me

come back

as if everything is a lie

Because no matter how much time has passed, Eunha still unable to move forward with her life.

i love you

i love you

let's meet again

What Eunha has took back then, the pills she has chugged down like they’re candies, Eunha is sorry because her decision is foolish, yet she’s—

“Eunha-unnie,” Umji calls softly.

“Yes?”

Umji is wiping her tears away. “You… why are you hurting yourself like this? Your hands are full with scars… you are doing that to yourself… right?”

“Because it is painful.”

“Did it help?”

“No, it didn’t. I am already numb to the pain.”

“Then don’t do that anymore,” Umji said simply, “Don’t hurt yourself. Don’t hurt Sowon-unnie’s precious girlfriend.”

“Aren’t you the same with me? I heard from SinB… I heard your escapade with alcohol… and with knife.” Eunha looked at Umji carefully. “You shouldn’t hurt yourself too, Umji. You are Sowon’s beloved little sister.”

Umji is toying with her doll. “You know… I think Sowon-unnie has a secret.”

“Secret?”

“Sometimes she did things I couldn’t comprehend. She’ll bring umbrella when it’s sunny. She didn’t bring any umbrella or raincoat when it’s actually raining.” Umji looks at Eunha.

Eunha knows what Umji is saying. She feels it too, that sometimes, Sowon did things that puzzled her.

“Sowon-unnie is the one who convince Yerin-sunbae to change the destination of the training camp. At first you guys are supposed to go to the sea. But, she conviced the club leader to choose the mountain instead,” Umji continues.

“Why?” this information is new to Eunha.

Umji shrugs. “Who know what she’s been thinking about? The most she’s telling me is that she’s trying to defy fate. Why or what kind of fate that she’s been trying to defy, she didn’t specify.”

“Defying fate…? What—?”

Umji shrugs again. “Anyway, secrets aside, I am actually… changing my mind and deciding to visit you because of this.” Umji presses some button on her phone. “It’s a brand new phone, it’s supposed to be the ‘it’ phone back then. The phone was being delivered the day she died. I am too disoriented to be able to open the package.”

“Phone…? Oh…” Eunha knows about that phone. She was choosing that model of phone with Sowon. They were buying it as a gift for Umji’s coming of age celebration. A gift she thought will be liked by Umji who always used her old but functional phone. To make it a surprise, Sowon decided to post it instead of giving it in person.

“Watch it, unnie.” Umji gives the phone to her. “No, wait, just watch this one instead. You are the one who shot the first video.” Umji takes the phone back, touching the screen some more.

The video that I helped to shoot? Eunha furrowed her eyebrows before a memory coming to her. The video they shot at Sowon’s room. The congratulation video for Umji. That’s what she has been expecting to see, yet, when Umji shows her the phone. It’s a video that’s been entitled ‘to my beloved little rabbit’

“You are the little rabbit she meant, like there’s no other rabbit I could think of but you,” Umji states.

 Sowon was waving in the video. “Ah, I think I manage to use this recorder right?” Sowon was staring at the screen. Then she broke out grinning. “Eunha, are you surprised? I am recording this one after I walked you home tonight. What is that surprise kiss to my cheek? You are actually pretty bold, I am surprised.” Eunha’s cheek is warm with tears. She remembers of course, the moment she gathered her courage and kiss Sowon’s cheek before she run inside the home.

“I don’t hate it tho.” Sowon winked. It makes Eunha giggles.

“Eunha, I don’t know what would happen in the future. But, I know what kind of things happened in the past. I know your tears and pain. I don’t want to ever see you being in any kind of pain. You are precious to me.

“When you said that you love me, love me the way I love you and not as best friend… I can’t believe it. Like, my ears heard it. My heart… it can’t comprehend, can’t understand your words. It’s just a three little simple words yet… it… it means a lot to me.

“Someone like me… you are in love with someone like me. It just—it might be a misunderstanding. But, you are actually in love with me. And it feels like I have soared into cloud nine.” Sowon’s eyes were sparkling and Eunha chokes a sob. “I love you, unnie, I still do, will always do.” she said softly.

“Ah, if come a situation in which I can’t be with you, like being by your side physically… I just want you to know that as long as you remember me, I never leave. And I will always watch over you… Eunha… be alright even if I am not there, okay? Don’t get hurt by yourself.

“My cute rabbit, my lovely rabbit, are you okay? Why do I get a feeling that when you are watching this, you are crying?” Sowon made a sad face. Eunha smiles at how cute she looked. And even then, Sowon was still asking her whether she’s okay or not.

“The one person, who is more precious to me than anyone else, I love you. Even if we walk on borrowed time, even if I have to defy fate and cheating time, I’ll—we will meet again. I love you, Eunha.”

Sowon ended the video with a smile. Eunha has a smile of her own. “Yeah, unnie… we’ll meet again. I love you.” Eunha turns to Umji. “Thank you for showing me this, Umji.”

“Unnie, don’t hurt yourself anymore, okay?” Umji pleads.

Eunha is smiling. “I think it’s already too late for that.” Eunha leans on Umji’s shoulder. “I am a bit sleepy, lend me your shoulder, Umji.”

“Huh? Sleeping? Here?” Umji is holding her for a moment. “Wait, let’s move inside instead? It’s warmer there?” Umji is shaking her awake but Eunha’s eyes are just too heavy. “Unnie? Eunha-unnie?! Wake up?!”

tell me, how do i do that?

how do i smile now that you are not here?

if i erase you

could i smile again?

how do i erase you?

when everything

everything remind me of you

come back

please come back to me

come back

as if you never leave

tell me, how do i stop the rain?

i can't stop it

i can't do it by myself

your presence is like a warm raincoat

hugging me

gently kindly firmly

shielding me from the cold rain

without you

i live with the rain above my head

the rain falls and falls

it keeps on welling up

if i erase you

could i breathe again?

how do i erase you?

when everything

everything remind me of you

i miss you

when i close my eyes

our memories are the one appeared

your name which has been written

in my heart

how do i erase that?

it has been permanently engraved there

come back

please come back to me

come back

as if everything is a lie

i love you

i love you

let's meet again

A/N : ｡◕‿◕｡

enjoy and thank you for reading and commenting~