Dear BTS,

I wonder if you would hate me if you saw me now.

A part of me desperately hopes you wouldn't, the other part of me would be disappointed in you if you didn't hate me. I would think you lost the virtues that make all of you who you are.

I took a hit of drugs last night.

I knew that it was wrong, I didn't even want to take it, but I...

I don't know what I was going to say there. I didn't want to take it, but I did anyway. I can't blame something or someone else for my decision.

The girl is still there, by the way, at the nightclub. She's gone from watching me from afar to even sitting next to me at the piano, occasionally covering my shaking hands with her own as I'm playing. Her eyes are dark and distant and her voice is smooth like silk.

She calls me Yòngliàng.

I don't call her anything.

Usually. I cannot account for time spent on drugs.

God, I hate saying that.

But if I hate it so much, why do I want more?

--

stay with me (xvi)