may 27th, 2013

                     11:56 pm

dear stupid diary

i can’t sleep.

i’ve been trying to for the past three hours, but every time i close my eyes, i see swirls of silverlined smog that lingers despite how hard i try to shake it off. see i even set my laptop to a playlist of slow instrumental music with the hopes of music aiding my quest for slumber, but it’s been forty minutes now and i’m still here, dewy eyed awake.

the thing is, i want to sleep. but i just can’t.
in the same way i wanted to speak today, but i couldn’t.
it’s not something i had any control over, because if i did, i would’ve done something about it. 

when i got back home from school today, mom asked me about the presentation and how well it went, and i smiled and told her it went great. because what else would i tell her? that i couldn’t speak in front of the whole class and everyone looked either amused or worried? that i rushed to the bathroom where i threw up my breakfast because i couldn’t stand the mirth in jongin’s eyes? i couldn’t tell her any of this, because i knew what i’d see in her eyes - worry.

and i’m tired of creating worry.
i’m tired of the pitiful glances.
 i’m tired of getting laughed at.
i’m tired of being considered weak.

but i can’t change anything. why? why does my existence scream pity?

i want to be more than small and qu