June 18th, 2013  

                12:18 am

dear stupid diary

i can’t sleep.

we’re to present our play today  and all i’ve been able to think about is the myth of apollo and icarus. it’s a very sad story of a boy audaciously grasping for something that eventually harms him. in the original story, icarus flies too close to the sun, which melts his wings off and causes his fall, but i prefer this romanticized story of two boys who were in love, and one who got hurt as a result. in a way it makes it more real, more relatable. and more sad.

and i have always loved sad things.

i haven’t talked with anyone since my conversation with sehun two days ago. i’ve been holed up in my room, thinking of  possibilities grander than my self. possibilities in places i can’t reach for, because they are too bright. because i might burn if i reach out for them. because my wings might melt off ( and they are even that durable in the first place).

but what if? what if i’m gay? i hate how slimy the word sounds, even in my thoughts. like something ugly and stale and forbidden. so i’ve been here, holed up in my room, thinking of the possibilities. possibilities of boys, boys with soft hands and beautiful, cold eyes. boys that only look like children when they laugh, boys that tell stupid puns because they want to see you laugh. boys who, of all people, give you the sof