Attention : i only put ‘depression’ in here. this story maybe will ruin your day and there is no emotion in here.

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NAYEON POV

I have depression. For as long as i can remember, it’s been a part of me.

Some days i struggle to get out of bed more than others. Sometimes i can struggle every morning for weeks or even month, just to put that first foot on the floor. It’s just hard to move, to do anything, to feel anything. it’s like the weight of the world rests on my chest, refusing to get off of me. it’s just an inexplicable heaviness that the human eye fails to see.

Whenever i do finally get up, i go through my daily routine like a robot, thinking nothing of it. whatever i do after that depend on entirely on the day, sometime it’s office. I put on a mask and wear my best fake smile. othertimes, it’s laying in bed all day, doing absolutely nothing but drowning in my own uncontroled thoughts. They say that when a creative person is feeling, they should channel those feeling into their art. Me?

I write fiction. Sometimes it’s easy for me, the words just keep coming into mind and i keep putting it on the paper. Other times, it’s hard, i come up with absolutely nothing and these feelings are trapped inside, unable to be let out. Basically, on day where i’m feeling this way, i do anything to try and pass the time to make it go by quicker to feel better faster.

Depression isn’t always about sadness. a lot time of times it feels as if all the emotions have been from your body, leaving sadness behind to consume me. sad is the only i think, feel, say or do. Little things can upset me further like dropping my jelly or watching pororo  that they’re actually going to die at the end. But usually there’s no reason behind the feeling. I just feel sad, constantly, with no explanation, no matter how hard i try to find one.

My life could be going great, fantastic and yet for some reason i still feel sad. For some reason, i find myself crying or unable to fall asleep at night. Sometimes i can’t even cry at all. Others time, i feel nothing, not even sadness is there and i may even find myself wishing that it was, so i could just feel something. I feel a certain darkness lingering in the air behind me, above me, below me, all around me, just waiting to take over but i don’t know when or why, and i don’t understand it.

Things can be happening around me, both of good&bad and i simply don’t feel a thing. I smply don’t react. It’s as if iam in an everlasting sleep but somehow iam still awake. My heart is still breathing but there is no life in me anymore. it’s like iam in prison and my own body is my cell. The words just roll off my tongue in monotone, simply because that’s what comes naturally.

The another horrible part, when others say they love me and that they’re there for you and want to help. Somehow i still manage to find myself to feeling completely alone. No matter how many friends or family members surround me, it feels like no one is there. Sometime not even my own self. Sometime it can cause me to wonder what would happen if i left it all behind. I wonder if anyone would miss me if i were gone. I wonder if anyone would even care, and if so, then who?

Iam never trying to push people away. i just don’t want to want them to hurt like i do.

It starts to make me feel like a bad person when i look outside and can’t appreciate a beautiful day because my whole day is just gray. It makes me feel like an entirely different person when i can’t even enjoy my favourite food and all the thing i used to love to do, start to become more and more boring. It start to make me feel like iam not normal when i realize that no normal person thinks or feels the way i do.

i begin to believe that i never be happy again and that if i do somehow find happiness, it won’t last long. these feeling will come and go. When they stay, they can last days, weeks, or even months.when they’re gone. They can either be completely gone or can sense them, always,surrounding me, waiting for a moment that iam happy so that they can swoop in and take it from me in an instant. Sometimes, i feel them coming, others times, i don’t. Sometimes the feeling hit me harder than other times, drag me deeper down into the cold, dark waters of depression and i forget to hold my breath. Sometimes i fail to reach the surface and i end up drowning.

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MINA POV

Depression creeps upon me quitely. At the very beginning i struggle with the little things, but usually choose to ignore it. it’s like a headache. I’ll tell myself temporary and it’ll pass. It’s just another bad day. But it’s not !! iam stuck in this state of mind. i get used to putting on a social mask and i continue to live among other people because that’s what i have to do. that’s what others do. however, the problem does not go away. i struggle to put on a play every day and it start to cost me more and more. That is why i fall even deeper and that’s when i slowly start to block away from friends and family, sometimes completely shutting them out.

All statisfaction is gone. The little things that used to bring me joy are now worthless. Even the simplest tasks become painfull. That why i lack motivatin. Now why would i keep on trying if nothing make me happy anyway? All of this makes i feel even worse and i got cought up in a vicious circle. Suddenly i find myself living in slow motion. Days become indistinguishable. Just white noise, heaviness, filling my mind and spilling over my body.

I continue to back away and destroy relationship. iam asha