CHAPTER 18: NEW MISSION

It was still early when I woke up. It was 8am but the room was still very dark, informing me about the fact outside was cloudy and gloomy even though the spring was approaching. The weather fit my mood perfectly. I yawned and glanced at Myungjun who was still sleeping, arms wrapped around my body. Letting out a sigh, I carefully lifted his arms away. I was still very ashamed of the things that happened last night. All of it. All of what I could remember. I wanted to hide from Myungjun. Showing my insecurities to others had always been somewhat hard for me. I had showed so much for him. I knew it was supposed to be natural since we could be considered a couple – but it wasn’t, for me.

I got up from the bed as silently as I could and sneaked out of the room. Even though I thought I wanted to be alone, I found myself feeling relieved as Bin and Minhyuk were in the kitchen, eating breakfast already. I joined them with pleasure. The atmosphere was a little bit reserved considering the fact that we’d lead an attack to the tunnels soon, but still we could chat freely as ever.

“Is Myungjun still sleeping?” Bin asked while shovelling his food into his mouth.

I nodded a bit awkwardly. “Yeah. I didn’t want to wake him up.”

“I see you’re getting along better nowadays”, he stated.

I felt blood rushing to my face and hoped that the red colour on my cheeks wasn’t too noticeable. Now that I thought about it, we hadn’t ever told or showed anyone we were actually having something going on. As awkward as I felt about him right now.

“Well”, I said quietly and took a bite of my toast. “We’re not kids. It’s better to not fight.”

Bin nodded and seemed to accept that as my explanation. He started chatting with Minhyuk and seemed to forget the whole thing. I sighed as I continued eating. I didn’t understand myself, I didn’t understand the situation at all – why was everything feeling so hard? I liked Myungjun a lot but for some reason I felt guilty about my feelings.

As I was finishing my breakfast, Myungjun stepped into the kitchen with messy hair and his pyjamas all wrinkly. I found myself looking down as I put my dishes away and tried to avoid looking at him.

“Good morning”, he said and smiled at me. “Are you alright?”

I quickly nodded. “Morning… I’m okay.”

And then I sneaked pass him, heading out of the kitchen. I wanted to just bury myself into the ground and disappear. As I was storming towards our room, I was about to run into Miyeon who was just coming out of her room. Her eyes widened as she looked at me.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, raising her eyebrows. “You don’t look very good.”

I rolled my eyes. “Thanks, that made me feel so good.”

The girl’s expression stayed serious. “No, really. Do you want to talk?”

I sighed. To be honest, I did want to talk to someone. In this situation, Miyeon probably was the best option. I looked into her eyes. “Can we go to your room?”

Miyeon nodded opened the door of her bedroom. The room had a slight smell of scented candles in it and the room was just as girly and pastel coloured as it could be, fitting Miyeon perfectly. She closed the door behind her and we sat on her bed. I waited for her to speak first and ask me again, what was wrong, but she stayed silent and stared at me with an examining look. I sighed. I’d have to open the conversation.

“It’s about Myungjun”, I said quietly, not looking at the girl.

“Have you been fighting?” Miyeon asked immediately. She sounded worried, and I immediately knew she wasn’t just worried because of me – she had always been very close with Myungjun, I knew she cared for him deeply. In a way, it almost made me feel jealous, as stupid and nonsensical it seemed.

I shook my head. “No. Everything is going nicely. But then again, not.”

“I don’t understand”, the girl said, frowning a little bit, waiting me to tell more.

I like him. But I feel guilty because of it. I feel like I don’t deserve the happiness because of all the trouble I’ve caused. Those were the words I wanted to blurt out but they were stuck in my throat and I couldn’t get a word out of my mouth. I felt pathetic. But I couldn’t deny the fact I was an amateur in love, I had never dated anyone.

“Aeri”, Miyeon said. “I can’t help if you don’t speak.”

I looked at the girl. “I think I’ve fallen for him.”

She chuckled a little bit. “Do you think I haven’t noticed? You two are not bickering all the time, and he treats you like a princess. I’m not blind. Why is that a problem? You’re married.”

I blinked. “But… I just feel so guilty.”

“Why?” Miyeon asked.

I silenced myself for a while. I was thinking hard, how to put my words. “I just… I feel like I’m not worthy. I’m a traitor and I’m a liar. I’ve brought a lot of troubles to you all. I feel so bad. And I’m afraid. I’m afraid that Myungjun realizes that someday too, and abandons me.”

Miyeon stared at me for a long moment, her expression going from a bit serious to a little bit sad and then a small smile spread on her face. “Aeri. None of your words are true. You’re not a traitor nor a liar. You’re a victim and you did the exact right thing when you told Mr. Kim. You have no reason to feel so guilty.”

I pouted at the girl a little bit. We had hated each other at first. How did we get to this point? She was praising me, complimenting me, thinking of me as her friend.

“Besides”, she continued. “I’ve seen how Myungjun looks at you. He likes you a lot. And he’s not the type to abandon someone he once has become fond of.”

I sighed. It was partially relieved. Even though I still felt the stress pressuring me, talking to her made me feel a little better. “Thank you for saying so.”

She grinned at me. “Now try to be like your normal self. This kind of stuff doesn’t suit you. Where did the cocky, confident Aeri go?”

I chuckled. “She’s taking some rest.”

“Well can you call her back?” Miyeon asked and poked my side with a finger.

I let out a yelp and laughing, rushed towards her, getting my revenge and making Miyeon let out a high pitched giggle. I tickled her for a bit before backing away and getting up from the bed.

“Hey, thanks a lot. I feel a lot better.”

Miyeon shrugged her shoulders. “No problem.”

As I was turning around to leave the room I heard Miyeon cough a bit awkwardly and turned around to look at her, raising my eyebrows.

“Keep Myungjun close. He’s a good person.”

I blinked and a bit confused, nodded at her. Then I walked out of the room. What did she mean? Did she think I’d be the one to leave him? I let out a sigh. I wouldn’t let that happen.

Even though I didn’t feel as bad as I had felt in the morning, the day passed slowly and painfully as things seemed to be very awkward between and Myungjun – we could feel it, and probably the others felt it too. While we were planning the attack, getting some weapons ready and preparing a plan B and C – just in case, if something went wrong. I’d be sent to the tunnels first, pretending to surrender and return, even if my old gang members would take me in as a prisoner. I’d need to leave some signs for the others to continue so that they’d know where to come after me. If everything went how we planned, the first attack would be aimed into Yikyung’s office – the biggest bad needed to be taken care of as quickly as possible. And then we’d find Chanmi.

I was feeling the adrenaline storming around in my veins as I put a sharp little knife on my jeans’ waistband and grabbed a pistol from the table we had gathered all kinds of guns and weapons to. I hadn’t even held a gun in a while. This reminded me of the missions I had loved, the time I was the best of my unit.

“You have to strike quickly but quietly”, Mr. Kim had said. The expression on my father-in-law’s face had been dead serious. “I will stay here, and if you get in trouble, I will send you backup. But I really hope that will not be necessary. I wish you the best luck. I want to meet your sister later on.”

The man’s words were echoing in my head as I put the pistol into the holster on my waist. I frowned a little bit. This was my first mission in a while, and I had to succeed perfectly. I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to gather the courage in me.

“Hey”, I heard Myungjun say quietly behind me.

My eyes opened and I turned to look at the boy. So he had gotten enough of the awkward silence between us first. He just had to break it first.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “I can sense something is not right.”

I didn’t want to tell him. He’d get worried or then he’d laugh at me. I didn’t want neither of them. “I’m just stressed because of the mission. I want to see Chanmi.”

Myungjun seemed to realize I was rambling, trying to avoid answering the real question. He sighed but proceeded to flash me a encouraging smile.

“Everything will sort out. Tomorrow we’ll be fine.”

Myungjun words kept on rotating in my head as he left the room, leaving me alone, preparing to leave. It was 6pm. It was soon time for me to leave. As I walked from our room to the apartment’s door, I watched all around me, trying to make sure I remembered everything about the place I had lived in. If the mission would end in failure, I’d never see this place again. I’d probably end up dead by tomorrow. I frowned. That wouldn’t happen. I was a fighter, I had always been the best in my unit, probably in the whole gang. I’d be able to come out of there alive, Chanmi with me.

I was to head to the underground headquarters first, leaving the rest behind so nobody would be suspicious. I took the corporation’s white Mercedes to the part of Seoul where I had lived the longest part of my life. The skyscrapers and fancy buildings of Gangnam changed into a somewhat shaggy neighbourhood with small coffee shops and street food stalls. It brought back a lot of memories. Memories of me, Chanmi and Eunwoo going out to have fun and eat something good. I kind of missed those times. Before any of the bad things had happened.

I got out of the car a few blocks away from the headquarters and started walking towards the main entrance of the tunnels. As I saw the familiar coffee shop in front of the tunnel coming to my sight, I felt my heart aching. It was the place I had spent a good time with Eunwoo, but it was also the place where Myungjun and I had met properly after the incident on that one alley. I felt a wrinkle forming between my eyebrows and sighed as I stopped in front of the entrance, the abandoned subway station. There was a thick iron chain and a signboard saying “out of use, entering forbidden”. It had always been there but for some reason I hadn’t paid a lot of attention to it earlier.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This was the beginning of the most important mission I had ever attended. Failure wasn’t an option. It was a punishment. If I’d fail, I’d die. If I’d succeed, I would probably spend the rest of my life happy. As I blew the air out of my lungs, I opened my eyes. Mission, start.

Showtime.