CHAPTER 12: STRUGGLES OF HEART

I slept the whole night very tightly, not waking up even one time. But still, when I woke up the next morning, I felt exhausted, like all of my powers had been strained out of me. I lied on my side, staring to the huge window of the room – there were no curtains so the sunlight had free access to the room. It was sunny outside and the beams of sunlight danced on the room’s white surfaces, making them shine. Still, I felt everything but bright or happy. I felt devastated from the troubles I was dealing with. Letting out a sigh mixing with a yawn, I turned to my other side.

For my surprise, Myungjun was awake, lying on his side and staring at me with a slight wrinkle between his eyebrows. Trying to hide my surprise, I buried myself deeper under the blanket. He leaned his head against his other hand and let out a slow, long sigh.

“I’m not blind”, he said with his raspy morning voice. “I see that something is troubling you.”

I pressed my eyes tightly shut, fighting the urge to burst out something that I’d regret later. Instead, I just turned around, facing the window again. I knew it wasn’t exactly nice to ignore Myungjun like this but I felt too guilty, too uncertain and absolutely stupid. As I tried my best to act like I fell asleep again, I heard Myungjun let out another sigh and get up from the bed. He walked out of the room, probably heading to kitchen to eat breakfast with the others. I let my eyes open and rubbed my face with my hands. I was so lost. This was not like me at all. It was almost scary how much I had noticed myself changing during the time I had lived in this place. I wasn’t as outspoken and savage as I used to be. I thought more about others. I had always felt very deeply for Chanmi – and she was the only person I had been this sorry for before, well, excluding some occasions with Eunwoo.

Eunwoo. He was the only person I could call to now. He would understand, he would comfort me and give me advice. He was intelligent and he knew me better than anyone.

It took him 5 seconds to pick up the call.

“Aeri? What’s wrong?” I could hear the worry in his voice.

“Nothing is wrong”, I said but immediately wondered why had I said that. “No. Everything is wrong!”

“Please, calm down and tell me what’s happening”, Eunwoo said softly. “I will do my best to help you.”

I took a deep breath. “Eunwoo, I don’t know what to do. I’ve become weak. It’s about my mission. I don’t want to hurt these people by kidnapping Myungjun or blackmailing his father. They think of me as one of them now, and the higher-ups genuinely believe our gangs have been united. Betraying them makes me feel so guilty. I don’t want to hurt these people.”

In that moment, I didn’t realize how dangerous my deed was. Even though Eunwoo had been my best friend since our early childhood, even though I knew he loved me, even though we trusted each other, what I told him, what I was feeling, was dangerous. And I was foolish enough to ignore that as I spilled my burden to him. Only afterwards I realized how risky my actions were, and my eyes widened as I cut my sentence short. I was completely silent, waiting for Eunwoo to say something. The silence was very long and I almost thought the time had stopped.

Then he spoke. “Have you fallen for him?”

“No!” I denied right away. Of course he, the jealous person he was, thought of this first.

“No?” Eunwoo repeated and I could hear his voice shaking. “But you’d still betray your own gang for him?”

“Eunwoo, please”, I whimpered, realizing it myself too, how desperate I sounded. “I don’t want to betray anyone!”

“I’ve lost you”, he said quietly. “We all lost you. I couldn’t have believed this from you.”

With those words, he ended the call. The moment I realized he had basically abandoned me I burst into tears. The teardrops drained down from my cheeks and I couldn’t stop myself from sobbing out loud. I was all alone now. I couldn’t be 100% Eunwoo wouldn’t tell anyone – if things were to go the wrong way, Yikyung would turn me down and declare me as a traitor. I’d never see my sister again.

Myungjun entered the room, asking what was wrong. His eyes widened as he saw me crouching on the floor, crying hysterically. He rushed to me, squatting down next to me and quickly but gently wrapping his fingers around my wrist. The phone I had still been holding fell down to the floor, screen upwards, and Eunwoo’s name could be seen. Myungjun noticed that and I heard him sigh next to me.

“What did he say to you?” he groaned. “You’re crying because of him, right?”

I couldn’t response to him and instead sobbed some more. Myungjun frowned a little bit and for my shock, pulled me into a tight hug, patting my back gently and whispering calming nothings into my ears. Slowly my eyes closed and my intense sobs toned down into short sniffs against his chest. I was still trembling but the worst was over. No. The worst was coming next. I felt anger rising inside me, pushing aside the sadness and the despair. I tried pulling back from the hug but as he didn’t let go immediately, I wriggled enough to be able to push him away. I glared at the boy who stared at me, confused.

“This is all your fault!” I hissed at him. “Why did you have to fall for me? If we hated each other this would be so much easier. My life will be ruined now!”

Now the boy’s confusion seemed to change into a shock. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about my mission. The contract, me leaving the tunnels, this whole marriage!” I shouted at him, my eyes throwing lasers at him. “I became too attached to all of you. Now I’m supposed to get you kidnapped, how do you think I’m going to do that when I can’t even punch you anymore?”

Myungjun looked upset. He sat still on the floor, staring at me with large eyes and his lips slightly parted. Like he was trying to force some words out but failed to. I had never seen him this vulnerable – he was really shocked. Well, to be honest, this was far from easy for me too. I felt the tears forming in my eyes again, but forced them to not fall down.

“So you’ve been lying to me all this time?” he asked with a shaking voice. I could hear the anger building in him,

“Not exactly”, I replied. “I haven’t lied to you at all, I just didn’t tell you everything.”

“I thought we were getting somewhere!” Myungjun shouted at me and I almost gasped – I had never really seen the boy angry. “I really thought you were warming up for me too. But then you betray me.”

“No. I didn’t betray you. I’m doing you a favour by revealing everything at this point!” I stated, trying to sound calmer than I was.

“Are you serious?” he snorted, furious. “If this is not betrayal, I don’t know what is.”

“I betrayed my own gang”, I cried out. “I told Eunwoo I didn’t want to hurt you. I became too attached to you, I don’t want to be on this mission anymore.”

Myungjun looked like he was going to shout something more but he must’ve noticed the tears falling down my cheeks as he slowly seemed to calm down a little bit. He let out a deep breath, scratched his neck and after messing his hair a little bit, just continued staring at me. He looked just as lost as I did.

“You don’t want to do the mission?” he repeated. “I don’t believe you.”

“I’m telling the truth!” I whined. “I’m the best fighter in my unit, do you think I would just stand here if I was actually going to hurt you?”

He tilted his head a little bit and crossed his arms on his chest. He looked a bit hesitant. “Tell this to my dad. I can’t believe you otherwise. I’m sure you wouldn’t lie at his face.”

I sighed. I knew that spilling the truth to Myungjun would lead to this, but I hadn’t thought about it at all before speaking – when did I think before speaking anyway? I did feel a bit hesitant right now. Telling the truth to this gang’s chief would put me in instant danger. He could kill me right away. I thought about the man’s genuine, happy smile during the wedding. Mr. Kim was an experienced business man; he was a CEO of a big corporation. He was smart. Maybe he would have more mercy than the usual gang chiefs.

“Fine”, I said, still glaring at him. “If that’s your demand. I’ll go right now.”

Myungjun stared after me as I rushed out of the room still in my pyjamas, heading to the apartment’s door and then into the hallway. I wasn’t even wearing socks, and the elevator’s cold floor made my feet hurt. Just as the elevator’s doors were about to close, Myungjun rushed in. I raised my eyebrows at him.

“What now?” I asked.

“I’m just making sure you actually go to him”, he sighed.

I crossed my arms on my chest and frowned as the doors slid shut. In a couple of minutes, I was headed to the CEO’S office. It was on the 4^th floor of the building – this was the area of the building I had never stepped with my feet on. It looked the same as the other floors too, but there were more people in the hallway, and all of them stared at me with confused, even shocked expressions; someone wandering on the CEO’s floor, only wearing pyjamas and barefoot, wasn’t probably a very common sight. Myungjun stayed behind and watched me walking to the office’s door by myself.

Without hesitation I ringed the door phone outside the office. In seconds, the door opened and I could see Myungjun’s father’s confused face welcoming me. I bowed at him, walked in and walked straight to the desk he was sitting behind – and got on my knees on the floor, looking down.

“Aeri”, the man gasped. “What is wrong? Has something happened?”

I took a deep breath. It was now or never. “I apologize but I have to confess my wrongdoings.”

The man tilted his head. “I don’t understand.”

“I’m here to confess that I am currently on a mission given by my previous gang’s chief, Hwang Yikyung.”

Saying the words was a lot easier than I had thought it would be. I felt like a huge stone rolled off my shoulders the moment I confessed. I had no idea what the CEO’s reaction would be or what he would say, what his punishment for me would be. But the fact was that I hated living in a lie and now I’d be able to tell it all to this man, no matter the consequences. I glanced at the man who looked shocked, but for my surprise, I couldn’t see any anger or hate mixed to the feeling, or at least he didn’t show it.

“My mission was to play my role as your daughter-in-law and later lead Myungjun into a trap and kidnap him”, I bluntly declared. “But I have decided to step down from the mission. I have betrayed both this and my own gang…” I had to pause for a second because I felt myself getting dizzy. “… and I’m completely ready to be punished.”

For a while the man just stared at me, blinking his eyes, glancing at his hand and desk from time to time, before he let out a sigh and brought his fingers to his temples, massaging them gently. He looked just stresses and surprised, I really couldn’t sense any anger in him, which surprised me completely.

“To be honest, Aeri”, he started. “I feel pain in my heart every time you call my corporation a gang. We do have some minor connections to the gang league, but other than that we are just a financial corporation. We are just fiddlers or tricksters compared to the main gangs that rule the underground. Like the one you’ve grown in. Compare a pickpocket to a serial murderer or a drug cartel. That’s the difference we have to the actual criminal gangs.”

I frowned a little bit. The information he just gave me wasn’t information that should be told to an enemy who just revealed herself. It was surprising, yes, since I had thought this gang – or corporation – was one of the most influential in Seoul. At least according to Yikyung, that was.

“I am disappointed”, the man admitted. “But not in you. I know you’re not being undercover voluntarily. Which young woman would marry a stranger without even meeting him first? I’m disappointed in Hwang Yikyung’s actions alone.”

My eyes widened. I’d had my hopes about the CEO being merciful but I had never expected him to be this fair towards me. Was he not going to punish me at all? I was confused. I hadn’t really thought about how my life would continue. I couldn’t go back to the tunnels now, Yikyung would probably kill me. Staying here, then again…

“Do you want a divorce from my son?”

The words shocked me more than I had thought they would. Just seconds ago I had thought about leaving the headquarters, but now that the man brought up divorce and leaving, I was surprised at my reaction – I didn’t exactly want to leave.

“I- I don’t know”, I stuttered. “I have to think about that.”

The man nodded. “I’m not going to take any action. You did right by confessing to me but you must know you’re in danger if you go outside for now. You have technically betrayed your gang, if any of the members see you wandering outside, you’d probably get hurt. I’m sorry to say this, but you’re basically trapped inside this building.”

“I know”, I whispered. “I’m horribly sorry about this. I was blackmailed into agreeing into the contract. I thought I’d succeed; I grew up only knowing my gang. I didn’t know of any better. I thought of you as the enemy. But now…”

As a sob fought its way out of me I brought a hand to my lips, trying to muffle the sound. I couldn’t cry here. It wouldn’t just be pathetic but also embarrassing. I glanced at the man who seemed to have noticed the sound despite my try to mute it, and he got up from behind his desk.

“Get up, child”, he said and offered his hand for me to take.

I had been kneeling down for a good couple of minutes and my joints had become numb, making getting up hard. Awkwardly holding onto the CEO, I managed to get up, eyeing at him, looking guilty even when I tried not to.

“Why are you not angry?” I asked.

The man chuckled silently. “I’ve seen so many young people getting ruined by the stupid high-ups of so many gangs. I want to be merciful for the youths I can still save.”

I stared at the man with wide eyes. Even in this situation, he was thinking about me and not himself. How admirable. I had grown up in an environment where everybody cared only for themselves and tried to get every chance to benefit themselves. I eyed at the man as he walked me to the office’s door.

“I’m… I’m very grateful”, I said quietly. “But I’m still extremely sorry.”

“I know”, the man replied with a slight smile. “You’ll have enough time to think now. I hope you’ll be able to come up with a solution for yourself.”

I sighed and nodded as I opened the office’s door. I bowed as a goodbye for the CEO as he closed the door behind him. I had to stop for a moment and I leaned against the hallways’ wall, gathering my powers and my thoughts. Earlier I had been very lost, but now I was just very confused. I had been able to tell the truth; I wouldn’t have to lie anymore – but I had no idea what I’d do now. I looked around me in the hallway and found Myungjun who was still waiting for me. He had squatted down, back against the wall, and head buried in his hands. He looked very troubled. I frowned as I walked to him.

“Hey”, I said very quietly.

The boy raised his head and looked at me. He still looked angry. “Well?”

I looked down and sighed. “Your dad is a very friendly man. He lets me go.”

For my surprise, I could see a slight gleam of relief in Myungjun’s eyes. “So, what now?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. I can’t go back but staying here feels wrong too…”

“This is so weird”, Myungjun said. “I’ve never been this confused before. I don’t know if I should pity you or shout at you for being so stupid.”

I scratched my neck and hesitantly asked the words that had been puzzling me. “Do you want a divorce?”

His eyes widened a little bit. He opened his mouth but closed it again before looking down. “I don’t know. I need time. That’s not something we can decide right away.”

Myungjun got up and letting out a deep sigh, walked away, leaving me alone in the hallway. I felt so at loss and confused. I was basically in a dead end that was closing behind me. I couldn’t go forward but going back would be impossible. I buried my head in my hands. What would I do now?