Chen was crying. His head hurt more than he could bear. When he had woken up earlier that day, he never thought it would end up like this, but it did nevertheless. His hands were cold, clammy. He had a hard time focusing on his chapter covering hemato-oncology. Maybe the rest of his studying day would be in vain after all. Thinking about it made everything even worse.

He got up from his chair and looked around. His room was as neat as he could possible make it, but it hurt him. There was something wrong about everything in his life at an extent he could not handle anymore.

He knew this feeling all too well. It was bad. This was the feeling that made him pack his bags and leave for home within a heartbeat. He could not go home, he promised. No matter how many times he mother called him, talked to him, promised him that everything would be alright if he just fought through all the pain, it did not seem to work.

Chen wanted to go home. The initial feeling eased, but something else appeared and it stretched even further than he had ever imagined. It was almost like a déjà vu. He despised himself for thinking everything would be alright if he just clung to what made him feel better.

Without home, being in his dorm room right now, all by himself was dangerous. He grabbed his coat and scarf and stormed outside, searching for a square or place people would flock to.

It was the only thing that kept him from doing something utterly stupid when panic clung to him. He stayed outside, walking in circles, visiting shops and trying to stay sane through it all.

As much as he hated public places, he needed them. He spotted a bench after an hour of wandering in the cold and realized his phone was in his coat's pocket. He tried calling his dad. It took him three times to answer.

"Hello? Chen?"

"Dad..." Tears were rolling down his cheeks. He did not care whether people were watching.

"Chen? Are you alright?"

"It's happening again. I'm scared to go back."

"Go back to what? I don't understand."

"You know what I'm saying."

"Oh, no. Where are you?"

"Near the train station. I know I shouldn't bother you. You're probably working."

"No, no. I have time. Talk to me."

He did. He talked for at least twenty minutes before he felt like he could breathe again. "I feel a bit better now."

"Good." He could almost hear his dad smile through the phone. "You know, Chen.. This friend you talked about. Does he know?"

"No."

"Maybe you should tell him. I don't mind you calling me, don't take this the wrong way. But wouldn't it be better if someone closer to you could..."

"I don't know, dad. I..."

"Don't be ashamed. But if you feel like you can only call me, that's fine. I'm not pressuring you. Just consider it a possibility."

"Okay. I need to go now. The snow is getting a bit too much."

"The weather is going to turn bad today. Chen... are you going to be alright? I can book a flight back if-"

"No, no," he tried to smile. "I'll be fine. I promise."

Minseok seemed glad he visited. Chen never told him he would, but he was not bothering by it. They were so different. Chen felt his skin crawl thinking about someone visiting his room unannounced. He was still wearing his pajamas, text books completely covering his desk. He scratched the back of his head and blushed.

"I look ridiculous. Sorry! Oh, god... Y