I never knew loving someone can be wrong. I used to believe love is pure and sweet; if so, what do I call this? This isn't pure and sweet, It's purely pain to me but all I know is I love her. I knew this won't work, it's not a healthy relationship. If  people may know about it, they would call it dirty and disgusting. I'm not so sure why I keep grasping on something that I can never get to call mine.

 

 

All I can do is borrow you

 

from someone else.

 

No one ever wants to be second or a reserve to someone but this is different, I don't want to be her second option but I have no choice. I can't take the idea of not having her in my arms even if this is all wrong, it would kill me. Although this situation is already killing me slowly and painfully, not having her in my life would feel like they're taking my heart out while I'm alive.

She doesn't know that I already figured out that she's cheating on her girlfriend, with me. For 93 days, We've been together and it wasn't long enough after we met that I knew she have a girlfriend. It was more painful than jumping off a cliff yet I still kept my mouth mum and never told you about it because  I'm afraid you will end this thing we have, I'm afraid you will leave me hanging and heart broken. So I swallowed my pride and whole being. I pretended that everything is fine and normal. That this is an actual relationship they speak of.

 

I knew why  you're suddenly went missing in the middle of the night and then after, I cry myself to sleep. You kept telling me there's a problem in the office, I would agree and tell you it's alright we can meet next time but it wasn't an office matter, you're coming back to where you're supposed to be, your real home, you and your girlfriend's home. You spend your night with me and come back in the morning but you never slept overnight in my house.
I hear I love yous and i miss yous coming from your mouth, I want to believe it's all true but I know it's not. You spend your time with me, yes, but your heart was never with me.

 

 

-

 

 

I don't know why I keep asking you even if I already know where you're going but I'm hoping that you will give a different answer, sometimes I'm hoping for you to admit where you're going but I'm still afraid so I nod and let you go, at least you'll come back in the morning.

 

"Mina, office again?" I rubbed my eyes to get rid of my sleepiness as I ask her.

She was in a hurry on wearing her pants and fixing her hair. she gave me a sad nod.

"I'll be back tomorrow morning, I promise"

I gave her a deep sigh of disappointment.

She gestured me to come closer to her so I did. I walked towards her and she wraps her arms around my shoulders, I held her waist and then she kissed me.

"Don't be so sad, you know you can have all of me tomorrow" lies

"Alright, go a head. They might be looking for you" she might be looking for you

She kissed me one more time and left my house. Right after she closed the door, I cried silently. Can't she just be mine? Only mine? That's impossible.

 

-

 

I gathered evidence about this insanity, and I figured that your girlfriend is too busy in work that you spent most of the time with me, that she can't give you all the things you've been longing for, and I did. I told my bestfriend about it and she told me mina is using me for the things she can't have from her girlfriend momo, tzuyu even got mad at me because I was too stubborn to leave mina. But tzuyu knows how much I love mina.

 

"Chaeyoung, leave her, she's using you! Why are you so blind!"

I didn't respond

"I know you love her but this is wrong, she's hurting you and whether you like it or not you're wrecking their relationship" relationship
The word got stuck in my head.

"If you can't tell her, I will" tzuyu threatened

I widen my eyes in panic.

"No please tzuyu, give me more time. I still can't handle losing her, it would kill me"

Tzuyu soften in pity

"Chaeyoung, I will give you one month or I'm going to expose her to everyone she knows"

I wouldn't want that, I wouldn't want her to get hurt. I agreed to tzuyu and started to prepare myself because in one month, this thing we have needs to stop.

 

-

 

 

Time is ticking, a month is fading and days have lessen. But there's a time for the first time, she slept in my house which she never did before, it's trying to mess my mind. Maybe she does love me, maybe she'll pick me more than momo, maybe she'll think twice on staying with her, maybe she'll break up with her to be with me.

 

I cuddled her closer as she sleeps in my arms, she hugged me close and I kissed her forehead. She slightly woke up and hums. I leaned in her ear and whispered 'I love you'

She smiled lazily.

That small response made me happy. Made me feel loved.

How can I love a girl that's not exactly mine?

My smile dropped from my thoughts. the fact that it's only a  week left until this will be over, until I can't hug or kiss her anymore, until I can't tell her i love her or even just see her.

But somehow, I'm having second thoughts of whether I will actually end this or not. She's sweeter than usual, she stays more than before, there might actually be a chance that she's going to be with me.

 

I still have a week to decide and confirm that she'll choose me over her.

 

 

-

 

"Would you ever leave me?" I asked

"That's not in my thoughts, I don't think that ever crossed my mind" 

I smiled forcing myself to believe it.

I stared at her beautiful face, her alluring eyes ans her addictive lips. I love her gummy smile, her cute laugh, her y smirk, the way her hands fit into mine, I love hearing her voice call my name, her slight smack whenever I joke, her amazing body and how we spend our nights.

 

I can't imagine myself not witnessing those things

 

I grabbed her face and kissed her deep as I think

Let it be me.

 

-

 

And then the day had come.

I heard from tzuyu that a mutual's friend of hers knows momo and actually spilled some stories to her. That mutual doesn't know how to keep shut that she told what happened to momo.

 

Momo finally caught mina. Mina cheating on momo with me, but she never knew who. Rumors says that they fought really bad and close to breaking up.

I don't know what to feel tho, it's a 50/50 possibility. It's either she comes home to me or she breaks me. It hasn't been a month since my deal with tzuyu, I still have six days left.

 

 

-

 

"Chaeyoung, We need to talk" she said softly with a hint of guilt

I nodded. I already know where this is heading, I need to prepare to her decision. 

"I don't want to lie anymore, I have a girlfriend, she already knew about me seeing someone else" she said

"I can't let her go, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for lying to you, I'm sorry for making you a third party" she continued

Tears are finally starting to blur my vision but i stopped myself and held my breathe. This is suffocating me. It took so long for this to happen, pain has sticked with me ever since.

"I knew about it" still staring at her

I noticed her shocked face, she never expect me to know about it.

" I'm sorry" she felt more guilty

I can't help but to act pathetic and tell her

"Can you pretend you love me and I'm the only one even just for tonight?" It was honestly a beg already.

"Chaeyoung" she whispered

 

"Even if this is the last"

She didn't answer and came closer to me almost immediately to kiss me.
This is the last time i can hold her, kiss her, the last night we made love and the last night I can call her mine.
A night that as if she was just all mine, that I'm the only one she loves. 

A night of illusions.

The last I love you.

 

After that night, morning comes

 

After she left

 

I lost myself.

 

It was all meant to happen, she knew what will be the outcome of this mess but I never did anything to prevent it.

it was obviously going to kill me

 

This is the murder she wrote.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I am official opening this one shot collection!

enjoy! do leave a comment and upvote it!

 

 

PS: this is base on brian puspos's murder she wrote