Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays!

“So, what are you doing after graduation?”

Jaebum looked up at Jinyoung as he attempted to chew through the massive amount of food in his mouth. He'd made kimbap for their picnic, the picnic Jinyoung had dreamed of when Jaebum was in the hospital. It was a nice weekend with clear skies, a nice wind, and comfortable temperatures in the almost fall season. They were positioned right in front of each other with food dividing them. All Jaebum wanted to do was write cringeworthy love poems to each other, take photos, and lay down next to Jinyoung. He didn't want to think about the rapidly changing future. The future where they would graduate in about five months

“I don't know probably freelance work.” When he was supposed to be thinking of the future, Jaebum was in a coma which wasn't all that productive. He’d been okay as he tried to reestablish his life, but what were Jinyoung’s plans? They’d been in an oblivious honeymoon phase so far in their relationship where they hadn’t recognized that they were about to graduate. Jaebum didn’t want to panic, but he almost couldn’t help it. “What about you?”

Jinyoung picked up a strawberry and bit into it. He chewed and swallowed. Emotion began to build in the back of his eyes and throat.  As nonchalantly as he could say the next sentence, he did. “I'm going to Canada.” He refused to let tears escape as his throat closed tightly with emotion.

“What?!” To say Jaebum was surprised was an understatement. This didn't even adhere to anything he thought Jinyoung would do in the future. They'd never really talked about the future. Jaebum thought Jinyoung would be a teacher or something. Never did he think he would leave.

“I'm planning to do a masters/doctorate program in Canada. Well that’s if I get accepted.”

“Of course you’ll get accepted. My Jinyoung is a diamond among coal.” Jaebum reached his hand out to Jinyoung’s cheek and then moved his hand to hold Jinyoung’s. The man he loved was brilliant, and Jaebum always had the most faith in him.

In a soft voice, “Since when have you been thinking about this?” Jaebum knew what it meant for someone to study abroad. It meant they wanted to see more than what was outside their door and learn in a new environment.

“Honestly,” Jinyoung sighed, “all of my college career. I've been working on English because I wanted to explore the world more.” Jinyoung paused. He picked up a piece of pineapple and bit it. “My advisor mentioned it to me my sophomore year, and I've been thinking about it, studying abroad, ever since. I even took a trip there the summer after sophomore year, and I thought I could see myself there. There’s so much culture, and its so different from Korea. It’s got a unique beauty. Western culture is fascinating to me, and I want to learn more about its intricacies. Even the atmosphere is different. I want to have experiences while I’m young and able.”

“What about us?”

“Well not all idealistic dreams happen. Mine didn’t. I had a simple plan: graduate college and then go to Canada to study, and after that I’d indulge in the smaller joys of life such as romance and friendship. I wasn’t so stubborn as to only study in college, which is why I made friends, but that was the extent of relationships that I wanted to make.

I did my best to not mess with any guys while in college. I was pretty successful until I met you. At first, I told myself I was only pursuing a friendship with you, and I was. At some point my feelings changed into something different. I secretly hoped it wouldn't develop into something more, but then it did. Then I started hoping that our relationship would fall apart once we started dating, but that never happened. You never became a person that I couldn’t see myself with. In fact, you became more amazing and great as we continued on. My feelings grew for you, and I didn't want to let go of you. I even started thinking about forever.”

“Is this a proposal? If so-” Jaebum blushed a little.

“No!” Jinyoung blushed. “We're young, and we haven't been together for a year yet. It's too soon.” Plus, he was going to Canada so that probably wouldn’t be the best decision.

Jaebum nodded. “Forever?”

“It's just a thought. I love you, and I can't see myself separating for you. I want a future with you, but right now it's messy.”

Jaebum’s expression softened. He could see this was difficult for Jinyoung. Two things he felt passionate for required hard choices. “How is it messy?”

“Even though we're together in Korea, I didn't want to not go to Canada because of you. It's a big dream of mine, and when I was working on my application materials and stuff while you were asleep, I didn't feel regret. I felt guilty for not telling you earlier, but I am resolute in my decision.”

“So I can't persuade you to stay?”

“No, but would you even try?”

Jaebum thought about it. His initial answer was yes. He wanted to beg Jinyoung to stay so their relationship could progress easily like it had so far. But creeping in the back of his mind was a strong feeling of guilt. Keeping Jinyoung away from something he wanted so much was selfish and unfair. Making someone you care about lose out on their dreams would only make you feel guilty and responsible. Jaebum didn't want that responsibility. He also knew what a great opportunity this would be for Jinyoung.

He sighed. “No, I wouldn't want you to give up such an amazing opportunity. I'd love it if you stayed here, but that's not what you want. I'm not going to hold you hostage.”

“I'd be held in a loving embrace so I probably wouldn’t feel like a hostage.” Jinyoung smiled.

“Maybe not at first, but eventually you would resent me.” Jaebum sighed and then slowly closed his eyes. The sun radiated onto his face. “I wish you'd told me earlier.”

“I lost all my sense when I started dating you so-”

“Lost your sense? You're really hurting my heart.” Jaebum said as he rubbed his chest in a playful manner.

“Only a person without sense hopes they break up with someone to make their life easier, while also forgetting what they should talk about. I used to make good decisions.”

“I'm the best decision you've made.” Jaebum moved the food over to get closer to his boyfriend. How could someone be so perfect all the time? Jaebum thought. He took in the image of his boyfriend before him. The way he was at this moment. His eyes were sparkling with emotion, both happy and sad and conflicted. His black hair was glimmering in the sun. His skin was illuminated in the natural light. His eyes were starting to wrinkle in the way that tugged at Jaebum’s heart. He should have known earlier that he was going to fall hard. Sometimes he felt backlash from the impact, but it was something wonderful.

Jinyoung smiled. “Yeah you are. I love you Jaebum.” He leaned in and pressed a kiss to his boyfriend's lips.  They smiled through the kiss. Jinyoung was going to hate leaving him behind. It was going to hurt so much. He made the kiss deeper as he tried to get closer to Jaebum. To get more of Jaebum. He loved him so much his heart kept contracting.

They parted. Jinyoung had glimmering tears streaming down his face. Jaebum wiped them away and smiled. He gave him a small peck again before saying, “I love you too.”

An annoying dinging rang through the bedroom. Jinyoung shifted away from the annoying noise on Jaebum’s side of the bed. Jinyoung started to drift off as the ringing ceased and a warm body followed him. Then, a more annoying noise started again. Reluctantly, Jinyoung opened his eyes and looked at his phone. It was an alarm. It was currently 6:30 am on a early late February morning, but the comfort of the room enough to not rouse the couple. Jinyoung, with his sleep addled brain, couldn’t recall the last time he’d woken up so early since he’d finished college. Finished college… GRADUATION. Today is graduation!

“Jaebum.” The other man groaned. “Jaebum.” The other groaned again. “Jaebum, wake up.”

Jaebum grumbled for a couple more seconds and opened one eye. “Why?”

“We’re graduating

“At what time?”

“Nine?”

“At night?”

“No, this morning.”

Jaebum hummed in agreement before his processed what Jinyoung had actually said. He shot straight up and yelped as his feet hit the wood floor. He stuffed his feet in slippers as he ran to the bathroom. He had to get ready, and it would be war in the bathroom before long. Jaebum had to be first in order to be camera ready.

Jinyoung on the other hand had no option but to dress first, well he could have bickered with Jaebum about using the bathroom, but he was nowhere near being in the mood for that. Not because he wouldn’t win the argument, but because it was a waste of time and Jaebum probably wouldn’t be in there for that long.

As Jinyoung dressed for graduation, he couldn’t help but reminisce about his senior year. After his confession to Jaebum, about going to Canada, things got awkward between them. They both tried to maintain that nothing was happening at the current moment in time and that they should enjoy each other’s company while it lasts, but it didn’t quite work out that way. They were avoiding each other’s touches. Their conversations weren’t like they used to be. It was hard for both of them to continue on with their relationship like they had been when a wedge would be coming between them sooner or later.  It took an awkward family dinner with Jaebum’s relatives at his parents’ house, where Jaebum snapped at Jinyoung with a snide comment about him going to Canada that left the table silent. Jinyoung would deny that he cried. He teared up. That’s all.

He did have to walk away from the table as soon as he finished dinner. He went to the garden and stood on the patio, looking at the stars while tears he’d withheld fell. He didn’t want Jaebum to resent him for going to Canada, for leaving. He loved Jaebum, but he wouldn’t sacrifice his dream for someone who didn’t respect it. No amount of love would make up for someone who didn’t believe in you.

After a couple of minutes alone, a voice pierced his sniveling. “Can I join you?’ Jaebum asked as he stood next to Jinyoung, regardless of his answer. They stood in silence for a while. “I’m sorry I said that during dinner.”

Jinyoung felt himself about to nod, but he refused to let Jaebum say hurtful things so easily and then easily accept his apologies. If they were going to have a long distance relationship, they would have to be stronger as a couple. Meaning Jinyoung himself had to be strong against Jaebum. “How could you say something so hurtful? Why didn’t you tell me you were upset?”

“How could I tell you I don’t want you to leave?”

“Just say ‘I don’t want you to leave.’”

“Jinyoung…”

“If you said that, I’d probably waver just a little bit. I wouldn’t change my mind, but at least I would know what you’re truly feeling.”

Jaebum ran a hand through his hair. “Fine. I don’t want you to leave, but I know it's your dream. I don’t want to hold you back, but I also don’t want to let go.” Jaebum turned to Jinyoung and turned his face towards him. He asked softly, “How can I let my heart go?”

Jinyoung took a sharp intake of breath before Jaebum leaned forward and kissed him gently. Jaebum touched Jinyoung’s face gently before moving it to his nape, pulling them closer together.  They kissed deeper as Jinyoung moved his hands into the fabric of his boyfriend’s shirt. They separated for short moments to breathe, before tapering off and separating.

Jinyoung finally pulled way. His lashes were getting wet and he didn’t want to cry anymore. “I’m a big boy so you’ll have to let me go. I don’t want to leave you, my family, your family, or our friends, but for me it’ll be a once in a lifetime experience. I have no plans after I graduate with those degrees, but I do know I want to still be with you when I come back.” He moved his hand to Jaebum’s face and his cheek. “I’m sorry I’m hurting you.”

“Don’t apologize to me for me being a big baby. I’m sorry I’ve been so standoffish lately. I don’t want to make our separation more painful.”

“No matter what you do, our separation will be painful. You’ll regret not making our love stronger by being unapproachable. You’ll be sad if our love is as strong a steel because we’ll be separated. I want to live without regrets and fall even more deeply in love with you. When we part, I want to know our love is so strong that we can get through this.”

Jaebum smiled and kissed his cheek. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

“Me too.” Jinyoung kissed him softly. “You’re my heart too.”

Jinyoung continued to dress as he reminisced. College had been an interesting and fruitful journey. He’d been able to develop himself into a person he could acknowledge, made friends that were worth his time and effort, and got a boyfriend that he loved more than anything in the world. He was going to Canada to get an education that would open so many opportunities for him. He would never forget that experiences that would change him into a doctor. All of the things that occurred over the past four years were fundamental in developing him into the Jinyoung he was now.

Jaebum walked out with damp hair that was in its normal mushroom shape. Jinyoung purposely bumped into him on the way to the bathroom in the doorway so that they’d get stuck.

“Get out of my way Park Jinyoung,” Jaebum said with no bite and a hidden smile.

“You should get out of my way. You hogged the bathroom for way too long.”

They glared playfully at each other as they struggled for a couple of seconds and their shoulders gave way.

Jinyoung moved to the bathroom to do his thing. As he washed his face, he thought about other things. Like…

---

“Look what I have.” Jaebum walked through the door, loaded down with books, a couple of camera bags, and a regular backpack. Somehow he freed up one hand and held a large envelope in his hand.

Jinyoung was nose deep in a thick book. His glasses were perched cutely on his nose. Nora laid on his feet as he leaned back on the armrest of their couch. It had been a normal Wednesday night, full of schoolwork, takeout, and Yugyeom’s complaining when he came over to get tutored. Taken out of his trance, Jinyoung scanned the envelope before jumping off the couch, scaring Nora, and almost tackling Jaebum to get the letter. It was from Canada, specifically from his first choice university, University of Toronto, that he’d applied to. He’d applied to a total of four after a lot of discussion with counselors, employees at the universities, alumni,  and academic advisors. He picked those four because they were the best for his graduate and doctorate work. Two of three letters, so far, had been rejections, which had stung and required intense cuddle sessions with Nora and Jaebum. Now this was the letter he’d been waiting for. He started to open the letter slowly.

“What does it say?” Jaebum asked. He had put all his books on the coffee table with his other bags resting on the floor next to it.

“Dear Jinyoung Park,

We are happy to say that you have been accepted.”

“Accepted?” Jaebum wasn’t great at English, but he was pretty sure that he understood that word.

“Yes accepted.” Jinyoung couldn’t help but tear up as he read the rest of the letter. He was going to his dream school. He couldn’t help but start jumping. Jaebum caught him when he’d bounced over to where he was standing. Jinyoung gave him a small peck before announcing the news to Nora. Nora turned away and swiped her tail at him. This was the day he’d been waiting for. The day all of his effort would come to fruition. He’d be able to learn so much, see so many different things, and experience a different way of life. He couldn’t help but be so happy.

It was a bittersweet moment for Jaebum. He was completely thrilled that Jinyoung was going to the graduate school of his dreams. It also meant Jinyoung would be leaving most definitely. There hadn’t been much of a glimmer of hope that Jinyoung would stay, especially after the first acceptance letter, but Jaebum had selfishly held onto it. Now that that hope had been extinguished, Jaebum was resigned to his fate of cherishing his time with Jinyoung. Jaebum would cherish every kiss and hug. He decided to savor every moment from now on.

Jaebum had to get out of his head. Knowing Jinyoung, he was probably reminiscing as well, and Jaebum didn’t want to dwell on the past. His present and future were going to change, and he wanted to be free from his insecure self.

Jaebum pulled on an exciting shirt that was black with white polka dots. Jinyoung was wearing something with stripes, so they’d match. He pulled on dress pants and took out the matching jacket. The outfit wasn’t that important, but the graduation gown was super important. He made sure he pulled his, the cords were different than Jinyoung’s, out of the closet. He folded it into a small bag. Once he was done gathering everything, he looked at his hair. As much as he wanted to style it, he’d have a graduation cap on anyway so it wasn’t worth it. He ruffled his hair and sighed at the dampness. He needed to go back to the bathroom.

As he approached the bathroom door, he heard Jinyoung belting whatever song. Jinyoung wasn’t that much of a primper, but Jaebum knew he’d put in extra effort for graduation.

“Babe, let me in.”

“Not likely.” Jinyoung said as he smeared moisturizer on his face. He had made it to the end of his exhaustive skincare regimen. It had been something he started doing while Jaebum was in coma. Jaebum’s mother had given him the products and taught him how to use them. Why did he do it in the first place? Simply because it was the only time Jinyoung did something for himself. Since then, he continued with it, no matter how irritating it was. Plus, his skin looked more luminous than ever.

“Come on.”

“No. Wait.” Jinyoung moved on to his hair. He parted it a little. Suddenly the door shook violently.

“Park Jinyoung open the ing door.” Jaebum knew was being extra, but he really wanted to leave.

Jinyoung rolled his eyes as he added product to make sure it stayed in the style without being heavy like with hairspray. After a little more primping, and Jaebum’s very annoying door rattling, Jinyoung straightened out his clothes  and looked in the mirror. It was graduation day. The day he’d been dreading and looking forward to since the beginning of last year.  With that final thought, he opened the door, hitting Jaebum, that , in the face, before proceeding to the kitchen for tea.

Jaebum cradled his face as he walked in the bathroom. He decided that getting hit in the face was his own fault and was not on purpose. He quickly dried his hair, before straightening it. Soon, it was perfectly soft and… it was time for graduation. Jaebum got out of the bathroom and quickly tied his tie. He grabbed his bag while Jinyoung stood in the kitchen reading a book with his own bag  filled. Nora was sunbathing in her mini house that Jinyoung got her, and for that, Jaebum was forever grateful to him. This was the moment before everything changed: the moment before they were no longer college students,but they would be graduated adults. Jinyoung would leave in approximately six months for the next six years. Jaebum wished he had his camera, but he remembered that not everything needs to be captured in photos.

With that resolution, Jaebum walked over to Nora and pet her a few times before grabbing his stuff and making his way to the door. Jinyoung was texting furiously on his phone, probably to one of his sisters, as he tried to carry his things. Jaebum leaned over and pecked his cheek. “Come on let’s go.”

The rest of the morning was a blur. They walked to the school’s auditorium and separated into their area in alphabetical order. They dressed themselves in their robes and mingled with their classmates. Soon it was time to go to their seats. They walked in front of their friends and family before sitting next to the person who shared their last name. The speeches went on for a couple of hours before the names of the graduates were called.  Jinyoung and Jaebum got their degrees, and returned to their seats. Eventually the ceremony was over, and they returned backstage to get their stuff. Soon they were released into the noon air and the arms in their friends and families.

Jaebum and Jinyoung’s parents along with their friends waited outside the auditorium with flowers and tears in their eyes. They chatted nervously as they waited for the graduates. Jinyoung received his graduation certificate at the table for his last name. He waited for Jaebum as he tried to find out where their loved ones were. Just as he was about to pass him, Jinyoung tugged his boyfriend towards him.

Jaebum was surprised but then smiled. He whispered in Jinyoung’s ear that he was going to take pictures with some of his friends. Jinyoung nodded and agreed to do the same. After thirty minutes of chaos, they returned to each other and exited the auditorium. Loved ones of all of the graduates still swarmed all over the place, outside of the building. Jinyoung held on tight to Jaebum’s hand as they tried to find their people.

Soon, they all hugged, kissed, and took pictures. Even Mark came back from LA for their graduation. They did all the standard congratulations, and moved on to the graduation party at a restaurant. They ate, laughed, and drank. Soon the night was over, and only their friends were left. They moved on to a chicken and beer restaurant. Jackson, Youngjae, Mark, and Bambam (they became friends with him when he and Jaebum had a class together this year, and Bambam refused to leave his life. Luckily he became friends with all of the rest of them, especially with Jackson.). The waiter brought the third basket of chicken and the third round of beer.

“I’m glad all you guys came. I’m glad we can all be together.” Jinyoung said wistfully. Next year, Youngjae and Jackson would be graduating (Jackson took an extra year to finish the requirements for his third major. He was surprisingly an overachiever.) The year after that, Yugyeom and Bambam would be graduating as well. “I don’t know when we’ll all be able to gather like this again.”

“Jinyoung…” Jaebum hated to be reminded that moments like this would be happening less frequently in the next five or six months. He was telling the truth though.

“How long will you be gone?” Yugyeom asked softly.

Jinyoung took a swig of beer. “About five or six years.” Six years. Six years. It would be difficult and slow, but it would also pass him by, and before he knew it, Jinyoung would be Dr. Park. He almost couldn’t believe it, but he was committed. He wouldn’t come back until he was Dr. Park.

Jackson, being the greatest mood maker, changed the topic of the conversation. Jaebum quietly continued to eat more chicken and drink his fourth beer. It was three o’clock in the morning. They’d been in the restaurant about three and a half hours, and Jaebum wanted to go back to his apartment and drink soju with Jinyoung. And kiss him. He wanted to kiss him so much, but the smile on the other’s face as he laughed at Jackson was too bright and beautiful to disturb. Jaebum just continued to eat and drink and laugh because moments like this would pass him by.

Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas! I'm back after a ridiculously long hiatus. Thank you for waiting patiently. Look forward to more chapters. Once again, thank you so much for waiting. Please comment and/or subscribe.