" From some point
  Whenever things got hard
  Whenever tears welled up
  I think of you

  Sometimes
  I wonder what it would be like
  If I forgot about you
  But of course, being with you is better

  From some point
  I started to shake
  I keep resenting you 
  And hating you

  Sometimes
  I wonder what it would be like
  If I erased you 
  But of course, being with you is better "

"Don't Move" from Kim Sunggyu's True Love.

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It was a normal practice day at Woollim building. Infinite Effect Seoul was done successfully few weeks ago, the members had another week to prepare for the next concert at Taiwan, so they just went through their dance practices followed the concert's song lists. They didn't want to stress out their body by the time they heading to Taiwan, so they just ran through everything once a day and make sure everyone has enough rest until the next show. 

They had an hour break for lunch, the  food was delivered but Sunggyu went to the office instead. He didn't have the appetite, he didn't even sleep well. He was nervous and worried since the Sugar Men Show was aired last night. It was a y performance with Kyungri, he was actually shied when dancing to it and embarrassed during the rehearsal and recording, still, he had to do it right as a professional performer. He didn't know what to expect from fans, but they always being supportive to his performance, so he didn't really too worried for that. What he really worried was Lily's thought.

'It was just a performance.' He tried to calm himself but failed. He even kissed in the musical before and this time was just a dance, okay, a y dance, but what was the big deal? It was just a performance! He didn't know why he was so nervous this time, it was worse than how he felt for his 2nd album showcase. When he reached the office, he saw Lily through the glass door. Her working table was at the furthest corner, she was checking on the PC and doing some typing at the same time. 'Dang... She must have seen it...' Sighed his heavy sigh, then pushed the door open and walked in. 

The costume team wasn't surprise to see him here, they smiled or nodded to him when he walked past their table. Finally, he reached Lily's table. He took a chair and sit by her table as usual, right, he was trying to be usual to avoid being suspicious. He smiled when Lily turned to look at him and he asked, "Lunch?" She showed him her sandwich and smiled as if she was safe from trouble, probably his nagging. Sunggyu couldn't help to chuckle at the thought but soon he remembered that wasn't his intention to be here. 

He looked at the PC screen and asked, "So... everything good? Any... serious issue?" Lily looked at him, her expression changed from curious to serious, "Why do you... wait, you got snapped shot? Dating? Last night?" She quickly looked at the PC and clicked the mouse to check here and there, her panic and seriousness surprised Sunggyu and he felt amusing. She shot him a serious gaze, "This is not funny Sunggyu, I need to tell Jung Yeop and hold a meeting to settle this if you realise how serious it is." "Wow... Hold it noona, I didn't say anything, did I? No dating, no photos, nothing happened!" He held up both hands to surrender. "Then why you looked so nervous and keep looking at the PC screen?" The confused Lily was waiting for Sunggyu's reply, he became more nervous and blurted out "The Sugar Men Show..." then realised it wasn't what he wanted to say but it was too late to it back, "...I'm...nervous for fans' reactions..." It was the best he could say.

"Sugar Men?" She tilted her head and thought hard about it, "...with 9 Muses? Kyungri?" Sunggyu nodded, she continued, "Fans cried for it." "You serious?" His eyes opened so big that Lily couldn't help in laughing, "Fans always cry when you perform well or dance well. They still love you, don't worry." Sunggyu assumed the laughing Lily was in the good mood, he tried his luck and asked carefully, "You...... watch it?" "Should I?" She turned to look at Sunggyu again. "Of course not, it was some silly show, don't waste your time." He tried to cover it and hoped that Lily would never click to play the video.

"Okay." she continued to look at the screen as if she never heard of the 'Sugar Men' thing. Sunggyu felt release that Lily didn't ask further about it, now that he could relax a little. Lily suddenly asked, "How was the practice?" "All good, we just wanted to keep the flow smooth." He suddenly remembered that he hasn't had lunch yet, "I think I should go back to the studio now." Before he stood up, Lily reminded him, "Remember to practice your mandarin speaking." Sunggyu smiled and stood up, "Shie shie dah chia der zhi chi, wor yong yuen ah yi ni!" She corrected him, "Not ah-yi-ni, shorter, ai-ni." "Ai-ni." He tried again. "That's right." She nodded and approved. "Wor yong yuen ai ni!" He spoke again and showed her the finger love sign, she laughed again and showed him a thumb up, he smiled happily and retrieved to the studio.

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Shie shie = thank (you)

Dah chia = everyone

Der = 's

Zhi chi = support

Wor = I

Yong yuen = forever

Ai = love

Ni = you

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I couldn't believe that Sunggyu had just done the finger love sign. Seeing him hopped out of the office and ran off to the studio, I wonder how could his mood changed so fast, especially recently. And why was he so nervous on fans reactions? Was it that bad? Sugar Men Show? I looked at the PC screen and search for the posting, I usually just read the comments and seldom click open the video fans posted, now that I searched again, more comments were posted and fans went crazy to Sunggyu. What was with the show? Or the performance? Maybe I should watch it and make a highlight in the report? Jung Yeop might want to know about it, alright then, I put on the headphone and clicked it open. 

The song and the choreo were y, of course Kyungri was y too. With Sunggyu's great vocal, audience went crazy with their performance which I wasn't surprise at all. The song was quite catchy, I can actually humming to it, and I couldn't help to laugh at Sunggyu's dancing because when I thought of his usual tiring and grumpy face, his flirting dancing became very funny to me. It was the first time I saw him danced to this kind of y flirting dance, he must be very embarrassing during the performance. When the word 'flirting' started to sink in my mind, I sensed that my laughing and the funny-feeling started to fade slowly. I clicked 'replay' and watch the video again, and this time I didn't feel funny or felt like laughing again. It wasn't only for the y choreo and the flirting that caught me, it was the way he stared at Kyungri during the dancing. His intense gaze that was likely on fire. 

I didn't know how long I held my breathing while watching the video until I exhaled when it finished. No wonder I was a little dizzy, I quickly inhaled deeply a few times to regain my oxygen level in my body system. Now that I understand why fans went crazy and the comments increased massively in just a short while. Anyway, it was just a performance and seriously, Sunggyu nailed it. I added a new line in my daily report: Should open to more song choices for Sunggyu, eg: y, flirting & seductive type.

After sending the email to Jung Yeop, I closed all the windows and started to eat my sandwich with a mug of hot chocolate. However, the intense gaze didn't leave me in pease. To fought it over, I decided to do something else which was not related to PC or website for the rest of the day. I asked Seung Mi if there was anything to help, but they have kept and packed all the costumes for the Taiwan concert which left nothing for me to work on. "There were only their shoes that we haven't packed, if you... don't mind...?" Seung Mi was a little reluctant about it. "You mean their stage shoes? What to do with them? Polish them?" She nodded after my questions. "I'm okay, bring them to me." She looked released that I wasn't angry with her suggestion and brought me to the shoes rack. There were only 3 types of shoes: the white sports shoes, the black sports shoes and the black leather shoes. In other meaning, I had in total of 21 pairs of shoes to work on. Great. I need to keep myself busy so that those gaze on fire wouldn't bother me again, at least, not so soon again.

The shoes were actually clean, the members just wore them to performed on the stage, there wasn't any stubborn stains left on the shoes for me to work on. Still, it took me about 3 hours to clean all sports shoes and done the polishing on the leather shoes. I put each shoes back to their own boxes and arranged them nicely followed the labels on the shoes rack. When everything was done, it was 6:10pm and everyone was preparing to go back. I guest I should be going back too, so I packed my things and shut off the PC, then I headed to my car.

I drove back and parked my car at the basement, but I didn't feel like going back home yet, so I walked to the park opposite the condo together with the food and drinks I bought on the way back. It was the last week of August, the weather was still hot, most people stayed indoor for air conditioner, so there weren't many people at the park. This was what I needed, a quiet spacious park. 

I sit on a wooden chair beside the big field then shove my food and drinks beside me. I seriously didn't feel right for the whole day. No, I was alright in the morning until Sunggyu came to me, until I watched the video, until I saw that gaze on fire. It happened again, like how his stern gaze did to me months ago, which sometimes still returned and cause me restless night. This time, annoyance replaced the butterflies in my stomach. Seriously? Annoyance? It was just a performance, why did it bother me so much? I kept asking myself this and it caused me more annoyed. Moreover, he's my dongsaeng. Alright, a dongsaeng who took care of me more than I took care of him. Still, he's my dongsaeng. I still didn't get it why the butterflies messed up with my stomach and then the annoyance added in, and all of these were because of his gaze. And then, like a projector shot out from no where, I saw his stern gaze appeared on the big field, and the butterflies followed instantly... I look up to the sky tried to free myself from those butterflies, but there it was, the gaze on fire! 

Help!!!

I needed to get out from this! I shook my head a few times furiously as if to shake off those crazy gaze, if only this would help. Frustratedly, I sit crossed legs and held my head with my both hands which supported by the elbows that rested on my thighs. With my eyes shut, I listened to my own breathing and started counting to it. I needed to calm my mind and shut it off from anything else except for my own breathing. Suddenly, Sunggyu's voice rang, "Noona, are you alright?" I opened my eyes in shocked. I just saw his gaze on the field and up in the sky, now I could hear his voice too? I inhaled so deeply and exhaled all the air from my lungs desperately. I seriously need help. Then, I saw a man came to sit beside me, he was wearing a T shirt and a shorts with a cap, and he was Sunggyu! I really felt like crying... Was my mind turned crazy? Now that I could see his illusion at anywhere any time! And the illusion looked so real that I could see his worried gaze. 

The 'Sunggyu illusion' reached out to hold my arms, "Noona, are you alright?" I looked at his hands, they looked so real that I couldn't help to touch one of them and to my surprise, I felt warmth! I thought I would be touching nothing since it was just an illusion, but I touched warm flesh. This wasn't an illusion, this was a real man, the real person of Kim Sunggyu! I laughed out loudly in the feeling of released that I wasn't insane, but this worried Sunggyu even more. He touched my hands and my forehead as to check if I've fallen sick, I pulled his hands down and smiled to him, "I'm sorry... I think I'm just... too tired." I had to lie, I couldn't tell him exactly what I thought and how I felt, could I? I put both his hands onto his laps and retrieved my hands to the food I bought. Eating should be able to cover my anxiety, so I started to pop something into my mouth. 

Sunggyu sighed beside me, "Only fruit for dinner?" "I don't feel hungry, and I have this..." I showed him the chocolate milk I bought, he sighed again and shook his head a few times. "How did you find me here?" I looked at the field avoided his gaze while waiting for his answer. I had enough of his gaze, I didn't want to add another type of his gaze and troubled myself to death. "I returned to the car park to get my power bank that I left in the van, and I saw you just pulled in but you didn't go back to your place, I was curious so... I followed you. I'm sorry... But you looked troubled... and I... wasn't sure if I should disturb you so I didn't came near you. But you got worse, you breathed so loud that I could even hear it from the other side, I couldn't just walk away."  So, he saw everything. He turned silent after the full explanation, maybe he was worried if I would angry him for following me, which I wouldn't, because my mind was too occupied with another serious issue. Tried my best to assure him, "I was just tired. I think I should go back now." I got up from the chair so as Sunggyu, then we walked back to the condo together. 

We didn't talk when we walked back, I really didn't want to create another issue to trouble myself again, but I could feel his gaze which seemed to be checking on me if I was alright. As usual, he walked me back and when we reached my door, he finally spoke, "Noona, you can tell me though..." I turned around and looked at him, I saw his worried gaze. Great. A new gaze had just joined the gaze party. 

I sighed softly and said, "Sunggyu, I'm so glad that I have a friend like you... I really thankful that you always take care of me... and try to be here for me whenever you think I needed." "Noona..." He reached out to my shoulder which I ignored it and continued, "But you have your own issues to worry and settle, you stress as a leader too, so... you really shouldn't... I mean... I'm not part of your responsibility." Sunggyu looked at me and blinked once, he retrieve his hand from my shoulder and tried to catch what I'm trying to say. I dropped my gaze, "Sometimes, I have to be on my own, I shouldn't rely on you too much, because..." I paused at the mid sentence, I really not sure if I should continue, but things would get worse if I let this kept on going. So, I rose my gaze and looked at his eyes, "...because... you're my dongsaeng... you're not my boyfriend..." 

I wasn't only speaking to Sunggyu, I was trying to remind myself too, that he was my dongsaeng, and I shouldn't be troubled by whatever gaze he shot me. He blinked a few times and his eyes turned bigger, then he smiled embarrassingly, "Noona, I'm sorry, I was just..." "I know, you're always very kind to everyone around you." I cut his sentence because I didn't want him to feel bad. I wasn't really blaming him for being too nice to me, just that I couldn't handle this any more, I need to put a stop so it wouldn't get worse. I really felt sorry to him, it was all my problem but now it seemed to be his fault for the things that happened. 

He was still smiling his embarrassing smile, "I'm sorry Noona, I really shouldn't always disturb you. You're right, I'm just your dongsaeng, I really shouldn't... Err... I should go back now, goodnight." He waved both hands to me then turned to walk away but stopped after a few steps and turned to look at me again, hesitated, "Noona..." "Yes?" I quickly responded to him, and then he stopped smiling, "Call me... if you need me." For instant, I felt wetness in my eyes. Didn't say a word, I just nodded and smiled to him. He also smiled and waved me goodbye, then he turned to walk away. 

I quickly opened the door and shut it closed. Tears fell all the way down from my eye rims to my jaw. I wasn't sure if I wouldn't regret to what I've just done, even if I would, things couldn't go undone. The sight of Sunggyu stop smiling and said "Call me... if you need me" kept playing in my mind. This would definitely take a long time to be faded. 

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Sunggyu basically ran back to his dorm. He locked himself inside his bedroom and throw his cap on the writing table. He didn't expect for all these, that Lily said she shouldn't rely too much on him because he wasn't her boyfriend. He was worried since morning if she felt bad to his y flirting dance, but she didn't mention anything about it, so it didn't seem like she got angry and asked him to stay away from her. 

'...because... you're my dongsaeng... you're not my boyfriend...'

It was true but Sunggyu felt very bad about it, he didn't understand why that a dongsaeng couldn't take care of the Noona. He lied on the bed and kicked a few times, he really hated how everything has turned out now.

'...you're not my boyfriend...'

It kept ringing in his mind and his fists were clenched very tightly. He would keep some distance from her since this was what she wanted. Was he angry? Definitely not.