Merry Christmas (2)
Light in My Eyes" Just hearing your name makes me smile
Just looking at you makes my heart explode
I’m sure it’s hard to believe but it’s true
All of this
Oh it’s true love
Believe my heart
Yeah it’s true love
Accept my heart
Take my love love love
I can’t keep ignoring this and hiding
Because my heart for you is too big "
"True Love" from Kim Sunggyu's True Love.
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I looked at Sunggyu again, waiting, he knew he couldn't keep this for any longer so he finally spoke, "My new place... is ready to move in..." Slowly, I realised what was the purpose of this card and where his conversation was heading to. "It's the access card, the numbers was the password to access my door. It's the password system, no keys..." I put down the card and locked my gaze onto it, now that I also became nervous because I didn't know what to answer for his following question. "Would you like to...... move in and... stay with me...?" Still avoiding his gaze, I was troubled in answering him, as I saw his fingers grasping tightly to the hem of his sweater, that made me even more nervous to what I should say.
"I can stay during the weekends, or... during your free days... if you don't mind..." I tried to sound normal but I heard myself sounded very sorry, so I kept looking at the card, until he reached out to lift my face and forced me to look at him. I saw tenderness and concern in his eyes, and a little disappointment that he wasn't able to hide, and that made me felt so bad and guilty. Didn't wait for him to ask, I told him my reason, "I've always wanted to spend more time with you, but... I prefer to have my own place..." His gaze turned puzzled after he heard this, his head tilted a little as if thinking for the reason, so I continued, "I don't want to stay in your empty house alone when you have crazy schedules, it feels like I'm forever waiting for you to come back." Then, I dropped my gaze to the access card again, because I was going to tell him another reason which was truly my only concern, "......and I need my own place... like a nestle, I need somewhere to...... in case......" I ended my unfinished sentence with a quiet sigh.
I didn't have the courage to look at him and I was glad that I did so because I heard him sighed too, he must be looking very disappointed now. Then, his beautiful fingers came over to hold mine gently, "What about... we find another unit nearby? In the same block but on different level, like how we have now... you'll have your own place then." I thought of it a while, it was indeed a better option than moving in to his place. "It's better if we stay in a same place, or same block as how you prefer, I don't have to spend time in driving to see you." He tried to reason with me and I couldn't agree more with him, time is precious especially when he had crazy schedule, he should sleep when he could than doing anything else.
However, his new place was one of the luxurious condominium which would cost up to sky high. "How much is the rental?" "I'll deal with it, I can also get another unit as investment purpose, we're doing this nowadays, myungsoo has been teaching us... in investment......" Slowly, his voice trailed off. I must have looked really bad which I couldn't help it, because if he pay for the rental or he bought the unit, then what was the different from me to move in and staying with him? It was still his place and it belonged to him, not somewhere I could hide for self healing if anything happened. I pulled off my hands from him then reached out for the box of chocolate and spoke in my composed tone, "I should keep this in the fridge."
Without looking at him, I grabbed the tumbler from the floor then left my bedroom to the kitchen, leaving him alone with the access card on the bed. I shoved the chocolate into the fridge then stood by the wash basin, still holding the tumbler as if it was my only support at this very moment. Many things flashed in my mind, I tried to shake them off but failed, closing my eyes had only made it worse, everything become clearer under my eyelids, they just wouldn't leave me in peace. Frustratedly, I sighed and opened my eyes and there it was the tumbler still under my gripping. I unlocked the lid and finished the remaining tea, gladly it helped to calm my emotion a little.
Then, I the faucet to wash the tumbler, surprisingly the sound of the flowing water actually sooth my nerves. I put the cleaned tumbler at the drying tray without turning off the faucet, then listened to it with my eyes closed. The sound of the flowing water did magic to calm my mind and my whole body, as if washing off parts of the bad memories and the agony that had been chained inside me for years. Of course, it wouldn't fade or being wiped off this easily, it would always there inside me, just that I felt a lot better after the distraction of the water flowing sound, and my mind become more organised and able to narrow my only concern and worried. I would never put myself back to that pathetic situation again.
After some moment when I found my strength to face Sunggyu again, I turned off the faucet and decided to go back to my bedroom. He might be feeling really annoyed since I left him alone in the room without telling him my thoughts, worse, I've hurt his feeling. Felt guilty to him and frustrated to myself, I slowly turned around worrying that what kind of Sunggyu I would be facing later, and then I got startled because he was standing a few feet away from me. He didn't looked mad or annoyed, his eyes were full of concern and he seemed composed, as if trying to be more careful to what he was going to say so that I wouldn't get annoyed again.
"How long have you been standing here?" My voice was soft and there wasn't any trace of anger or annoyed from my face expression, I saw him sighed softly in relief and he quickly replied, "When you drank the tea." So, he had been watching me quietly for some moment. I really hated myself for being so uncontrolled when things that connected to my past occurred, and now I had made him felt worried again, I felt so shameful to look at his eyes. I nodded a few times and returned my gaze to the floor, and then I saw his feet stepped closer to mine.
"Lily......" For the first time I heard Sunggyu called my name. He used to called me noona, but he stopped calling it since the day we started being together. Maybe he knew that was my serious issue so he didn't want to keep reminding me about it. Sometimes he even called me silly girl or little girl, but he had never called out my name until just now. I blinked once, and again, tried to handle the impact that he gave me, then I saw his hand reached over to hold mine, and I noticed that both of our hands were wearing the identical bracelets.
I looked at the beautiful bracelets, my gaze went from his hand to his face slowly, he was looking at me, still measuring and waiting. How could he always been so patient and tolerant with me? I couldn't look at his eyes any more, felt so shameful to what I've always caused him went through, and he seemed able to read my thoughts this time, quickly moved forward and pulled me over to him, saved me from whatever feelings that almost took over me. For instant, my hands went behind his back and my face went buried onto his chest, which actually surprised me because my body just reacted so naturally without me telling them what to do.
Needless to say, Sunggyu hugged me tightly as well. I felt his hot breaths around my neck, his firm gripping on my waist and his gentle touch back and forth along my hair. All of his gestures were full with love and caring, but that didn't make me felt any better, so I said, "I'm really sor..." "Shhh... no more S-word, remember?" He cut me off half way, I could only nodded weakly on his shoulder, but couldn't help to hugged him tighter as I remembered how he tried to convinced me with the photo, that we'll only be happy and sweetly together. But looked what I've done? I've ruined everything.
"Remember the first time I hugged you? It was right here at your kitchen, we're standing at the exact same spot right now..." Yes, I remembered that night, he rested his face on my hair, hands caressing my hair and my back to and fro, tried to sooth my feeling just like how he was doing now. It was the first time I mention about my previous relationship. "You asked me to go out more often and know new friends, and get a boyfriend." He quickly responded, "Luckily you didn't, and now I'm officially taking back what I've said about it, and I sincerely apologise to you." I smiled weakly to his statement, wanted to pull away and see his face but he wouldn't let go. "Wait... I...uhh...... please wait......" He said in the soft tone, pleading, and his hug was tightening. I did as he said, continued to stay under his arms, returned my hands around his waist and rested my face on his shoulder, waited for him patiently, like how he always did for me.
"The first time I saw you cried... you didn't know about it because you were drunk. You opened the door for me then collapsed on the sofa unconsciously. I never saw you cried all these years, not even when that crazy woman slapped you, but that night... your tears kept flowing... The second time was here in your kitchen, your eyes and your nose became so redness, I felt so bad... so painful deep inside me...... all I wanted to do was to comfort you and to make you smile again...... you know, I still keep that Mickey Mouse T shirt. It was Sungyeol's but I didn't want to return him.... don't laugh, I never washed it since that night. It was full with your tears... I want to keep it for myself." I listened to him quietly and breathed very softly, because I felt very stunned to what I just heard.
"Since then, I couldn't take you off my mind... Did you rest well...? Did you eat well...? Were you... happy? I keep thinking of you and worrying for you...... the Sugar Men Show, I was so worried if you felt annoyed to my flirting dance, but you seemed not affected... on the same day, you told me that you felt glad to have a friend like me, but you said you shouldn't rely too much on me because I was your dongsaeng... and I wasn't your boyfriend..." He sighed and paused a while, then continued, "Believe me, it was hurtful... so hurtful...... but I followed what you said, kept some distance from you. I thought I did alright until I heard what Jung Yeop hyung told you in the airplane, until I saw that Kenny man... I realised... I didn't want to loose you!" I felt his hands trembling a little around me, and his breathing sped up a little too, while deep inside me, I felt my heart was going to burst.
We never really talked about how we felt for each other, it just happened naturally, that we cared so much and found comfort from each other, so we decided to being together and cherish each other. Now that he confessed his thoughts and his feelings to me like this, I really didn't know what to react. My heart turned so weak that I didn't know how much more I could take it. His hugging didn't loosen for a tiny bits, he seemed still thinking and rearranging for what to say.
"I know you had been through a lot... and those were very awful experience that I would never understand how bad you felt... but... please have a little confident in me... my feelings for you wasn't simply happened, it took months and years to develop and reach current stage...... you never know how joyful I felt every time I saw you smile and laugh happily......" Then, he stopped talking again. I wasn't sure if he was smiling to himself or replaying those memories in his mind, but he pulled one of my hands out from where I was holding behind his back, and placed both our hands onto his chest. I looked at my hand that seemed tiny under his firm gripping, warmth spread from his skin and I could even feel his heartbeats that drummed steadily.
Then, his hot breaths spread to my face and I heard him said softly at my ear, "I'm serious about you." I rose my gaze followed his voice and saw him looking at me, his expression was soft yet his gaze was firm, "I mean it." That was it, I found myself melted completely under his arms and his soothing voice, unable to move or to look away. Slowly, he moved closer to kiss my forehead and the tip of my nose, then finally to my lips that seemed to be a long waited reunion. Our kisses were soft but forcefully, that I could really feel his emotions thoroughly, while our hands sought their comfort in getting as much contact as they could onto each other.
It didn't take long for us to break away, we rested against our foreheads and looked at each other, cherished the beautiful moment with the new level of understanding. After some moment, I pulled away and reached out to caressing his face gently, he looked really pleased and smiled so sweetly without looking away. Just went he wanted to leaned in, his phone uttered a short vibration inside his pocket. He slightly frowned in annoyance and wanted to ignore it but I stopped him by holding his chest, then smiled to him and searched for his phone inside his pocket. He sighed and read the message when I handed him his phone but he became cheerful after that, "It's 12 o'clock!" I couldn't follow, "......so...?" "It's Christmas!" He replied cheerfully as if the children who believed in Santa Clause and couldn't wait for their Christmas gifts.
He ignored my laughing, held my hand with the bracelet and took a photo of our hands holding together. When he showed me the photo, then only I noticed that both our hands were wearing the bracelets that he custom made. He smiled shyly and said, "It's our first Christmas together." Didn't expect for this, my heart turned to a marshmallow again. I looked at the smiling Sunggyu, felt a new kind of bonding was form between us. Still smiling, he put aside the phone then held my both hands and wished me, "Merry Christmas." I looked at him adoringly and replied, "Merry Christmas." Then, without waiting for any longer, we both leaned in for our first Christmas kiss.
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