Trauma (1)
Light in My EyesIt started about 3 months ago, that Sunggyu was very moody and very grumpy to every little tiny things. I thought it was because of the hectic practices for The Summer Concert 2, but the concert was over for about 2 months now, and he was still very jumpy. The members all avoided him as much as they could but they couldn't avoid to practice together especially for the year end events' performance.
"Haven't you guys talked to Sunggyu? I saw him in the studio yesterday, he couldn't finish the recording, too angry to himself... He might be stressed for his solo album." I told Sungjong in the car when I drove him to buy bread. Sungjong and I were like little brother and sister, he was the kindest to me when I first came to worked for Woollim. He taught me a lot of Korean words and willing to practice Korean speaking with me. He helped me a lot but he always said the opposite way.
Sungjong thought for a while and said, "Maybe you are right... But noona, I heard that Sunggyu hyung broke up, and he became really moody. It must have been ended very badly." "Since when?" I asked in disbelieving. She was his ideal type, his dream girl, if this was true then it explained everything.
"We don't know exactly when, we don't dare to ask... but Sunggyu hyung started to ignore his phone before the concert, no messaging crazily too, and his phone stopped ringing massively like before." Sungjong paused a while as if he remembered something, "One more thing, he changed new hand phone. He said the old one has problem but Hoya hyung saw him threw that phone to the wall."
That's new. Sunggyu wasn't the wasteful type, he never changed handphone because of new model released, and he took care of his belongings well. Then, it might be true that he had a very ugly break up.
We went back to Woollim building with a bagful of breads. Sungjong walked straight to the practice room and I headed to the recording studio, wonder if Sunggyu would be there. He was sitting at the control room, frowning to himself with the headphone's on. I knocked and entered the room, he took off he headphone and smiled weakly to me.
"Can I listen to it?" Trying my luck when I knew what he would say. "No no... Not this one noona. It was... terrible." He shook his head and held the headphone as far away from me as he could. "How bad was it?" I asked again, he just shook his head then sighed heavily.
It wouldn't get any better if he kept on moody like this. "Want to get some fresh air?" I asked and saw Sunggyu's surprising eyes. I picked up my car keys and tilted my head toward the door, gesturing 'let's go'. He looked at me with his serious eyes, then rose and packed his belongings. We didn't talk while walking to my car. When we left Woollim building, I couldn't help to break the silence. "Anywhere in your mind?" He thought a while and replied, "Han River Park."
We reached there in about 30 minutes, and we were not alone. The good weather drew more people to the Han River Park just like me and Sunggyu, only that we came here for other reasons. Before I killed the engine, I asked again, "Are you sure you want to go down? There're quite many people around, fans might see you..." "Don't worry, fans couldn't see me. They never saw me... ok maybe once, but no more." Without looking at me, he opened the door and got out from the car. Quickly off the engine and locked the door, I followed behind him, or literally running behind him, because he walked very fast. I kept some distance away from him to look around carefully in case anyone noticed him and came following us.
Sunggyu moved very fast toward a direction and he was right, no one noticed him. People mostly gathered around the fountain and by the pool side, there were a few people walked slowly on the lawn. We walked across the wide lawn to the furthest corner of the park which was distanced away from the crowd. I didn't see anyone walking or resting around us now, that was when I started panting but Sunggyu didn't slow down the speed. I kept looking around to make sure no one was following us, and suddenly he was no where to be seen! Panic, I sped up and move forward, then I saw him lied onto the grass which is a slightly slope lawn that linked to the river. People at the flat lawn couldn't see him here unless they came to this near.
Slowly and carefully, I walked to Sunggyu and sit next to him. I looked at the river and the scenery, inhaled some fresh air and it felt really nice, like the breeze did some magic to wash off all the stress and burden from the tired body. I turned to look at Sunggyu, he was still lying on the grass with eyes closed, and, for the first time in 3 months, I saw the peaceful Sunggyu. Poor boy, how much stress he had been loaded? The stress of the solo album, the pain of the break up... I should have taken him out earlier. Looking at his peaceful face reminded me that how much I miss his big laughter.
I breathed softly as if any sound or vibration might nudge him awake or wiped that peaceful face away. "Noona..." I turned around and caught his eyes. "Sorry to make you worry." His voice was calm but his eyes looked sorry. I smiled to his silly thought, "There's nothing to be sorry, really." I heard my soft voice like a mother spoke to her child. He smiled weakly to me, and he seemed trying to say something but got stuck by his own tongue. I waited patiently, after some time, I heard him said, "I don't want to ruin the album, I don't want to ruin those beautiful pieces, they were written by those amazing people. If my album failed again... like last time... I... I...... " He got stuck in words again.
It was about his trauma again. What should I do to make him believe that his first album was great and amazing? In fact, I still listen to the songs sometimes. I took out my phone and show him my music playlist, "See... " He looked at the screen and found his songs in the playlist, then turned to look at me doubtfully. "I still listen to them, they are amazing." Retrieved my phone and put it back my pocket. "Eyy... Noona..." He didn't believe me. "I'm just telling the truth." Tried my very hard to convince him. "I know those songs were amazing, but I caused the failure of the album sales. If other singers sang those songs, they might be big hit." How could he possibly think in this way? Then I realised, I wouldn't be able to change his mind no matter how hard I tried. Instead of argue with him, I lied on the grass and looked at the sky, just like him.
The blue sky was full with thick and fluffy clouds, just like the cotton candy. I saw a cute puppy, a dolphin, a big tree, and a smily face. Wait... the smily-face-cloud was moving blown by the wind, and it turned to an angry face! What a huge change. I never thought that looking at the clouds could be this amusing. Sunggyu noticed that I was smiling with myself, he asked curiously, "What so funny?" I rose my chin a little pointing to the sky, his gaze followed my gesture and look at the sky too but found nothing. "Clouds?" I turned to look at him, smiled to his answer 'clouds?' and shook my head. "No?" He turned to look at the sky again with his forceful gaze, still, he got lost in the clouds. I chuckle at his serious face over the small little things like looking at the clouds, then I pointed to the clouds and told him what I saw earlier one by one, which they had turned into other 'things' by the wind.
At first, Sunggyu couldn't see it and kept saying that I lied to him. I couldn't help to laugh at his 'blinded' and the lack of imagination to the nature. I shook my head for disapproval and that caused him to force his eyes turned smaller for a shaper vision, trying his very best to see something up in the sky. After didn't know for how long, he finally managed to see a 'short-ear-rabbit' which I think it looked like a bear. Instead of saying bear, I agreed to his 'short-ear-rabbit' since he tried so hard and that was the only thing he managed to see. The way he smiled satisfying to his new-found-ability was way too cute and way too amusing to look at. And that caught my eyes again, that he was smiling, for the first time in 3 months!
I looked at the light mood Sunggyu, didn't notice I was smiling, until he turned to look at me and saw my smiling face, he then looked a little embarrassing. Instead of looking away, I reached out to ruffle his hair lightly. He didn't turn away, just dropped his gaze and smiled to himself quietly. Didn't say a word, I turned to look at the sky and the clouds again, continued with the 'cotton-candy-playground', so as Sunggyu, and we both remained silent.
After a long while, Sunggyu finally broke the silent, "Noona, I got dumped." I turned to look at him, he was still looking at the sky, continued, "She was my ideal type. I thought I was going to be really sad, but I wasn't." He caught my surprise gaze, "Surprise, wasn't it?" He chuckled quietly and looked at the sky again, "Believe me, I've tried my best, but all I got was... you remember our song, Breathe? Yeah, it was exactly like the song." I tried to remember the lyrics, then he continued, "You know our schedule could be really crazy, I thought she would understand since she was also from an idol group, unfortunately, she wouldn't."
Carefully, I asked, "Was that why... you threw your phone?" "How did you know that?" He got startled, sighed a heavy sigh then continued, "Her best friend called me, scolding me for mistreating her, for not being seriously with her... I got really mad, she didn't even give me credit to what I've done. I did everything she asked me to... I even sacrificed my limited sleeping hours to talk on the phone with her, or sometimes went out to see her, and that she still claimed that I mistreated her... I was really mad, I couldn't help... I......" I didn't expect it to turn out this way, I looked at him didn't know what to say.
"Don't worry noona, I'm alright now. In fact, I feel kind of release since i don't have to explain my schedule, or worry if I wasn't able to reply her msg or pick up her calls... And thanks to our busy schedule, everything has back to normal real fast." "But you didn't look any better..." I'm doubtful. "That was because of the crazy practices for the concerts, after the concert was my album..." Sunggyu went silent again. "But I some how got it today, I mean just now. Thanks to you, noona." He smiled to me but I couldn't get it. "The clouds, you saw what I didn't see." Oh, he got the point! Perfect! "And you didn't see what people saw from you." I added. "Such as...?" He asked doubtfully. "You sing to people's souls, your voice melts people's hearts." I replied while looking into his eyes, I saw his eyes sparkled, then, he blushed and looked away.
What was for the blushed? I didn't quite understand but I didn't ask because something else caught my eyes: the sun set changed the blue sky to this beautiful orange-pinkish sky. I was drown with the beautiful scenery and forgot of where was I for some seconds, until I heard Sunggyu's voice again. "It's beautiful, isn't it?" I couldn't agree more and added, "It becomes more beautiful when we share it together." I didn't realised what I said until I finished it and I got shocked. It was a phrase said by my ex-boyfriend when we once went to the beach during the sun set. I thought I had wiped off all those memory and it seemed that they had their own way to linger in my brain for as long as they could. How scary what our memory could do to our life...
I must have looked really bad because I heard Sunggyu's concern voice, "Are you alright, noona?" I followed the voice and looked at Sunggyu, "Yeah, I'm just touched by the beautiful sun set." And there was more which I didn't tell Sunggyu, that how glad I felt when his voice pulled me out from the memories. "But you don't look really well." He insisted. "Maybe it's getting cold, and I'm starting to feel hungry." Smiled my embarrassing smile so that I looked convinced, and it worked. "Let's get in the car then." He spoke in the hurry tone.
When I looked up, Sunggyu was already on his feet. He reached out to help me up, and took off his jacket to put around my shoulder. "Don't catch cold, noona, you should've put on more layers." I looked at him, felt warm by his caring. I couldn't even remember when was the last time that a man took care of me, or just to concern and cared for my living.
Sunggyu started to walk across the lawn to the opposite direction back to my car, I quickly followed behind him afraid that I might lose him again like just now since the sky was getting dark. Just that, he walked slower than just now when we came, he even turned around a few times to check if I could keep up the pace. I held the jacket firmly when I walked, and I actually could smell the scent of its owner. Was it perfume, Cologne or simply the body lotion? I didn't know, but it smelled soothing to my nose which made me calm and peace.
It didn't take long to reach my car. When we hopped into my car, Sunggyu called for food delivery. He ordered kimbap for me and chajjang-meon for himself. We took about 30 minutes to reach where we stayed and the food delivery man was waiting at my door. Sunggyu liked to eat at my place, he said the members would grab his food if he ate at the dorm, and here he could eat his meal peacefully. When we finished, he helped to pack the food containers so that he could throw them on his way back to the dorm.
Before he opened the door, he seemed to remember something and turned to me, "Noona, do you really listen to my songs?" I nodded but it was not enough. "Which songs do you like?" He insisted, and that I couldn't help to chuckle. He pouted to my response, so I quickly replied, "60 Seconds, 41th Day, I Need You, but it's the acoustic version, the one played with guitar, I also like Light, it sounded so cute and lovely but you wouldn't sing it during concert... and another one, you sang it in a variety show, what 1994... I couldn't remember the whole name... but I really like it, I even download to my phone."
When I finished, he looked at me with the disbelieving face. "Told you, I listen to your songs." I assured him, he looked touched and murmured, "Thanks... noona..." I took my chance, "If you really want to thank me, quickly finish your recording, I need your 2nd album!" He smiled sheepishly and nodded a few times, and I saw my hand went ruffling his hair lightly, then again, he blushed. "I better go now..." He opened the door and looked at me again, "Goodnight, noona..." I waved him goodnight and say, "Have a good rest." He smiled, and then left to his dorm. I closed the door smiling with myself, felt really good that his smiling has finally returned.
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