(LJS)

There are days in one's life that somehow remain much more clearer than any other days in the memory.

I was six when I rode on the back of a bicycle, holding on happily to Aboeji's big waistline. He was just riding round and round a tiny park, but it was the most beautiful park I'd been. The green grass under us was fresh, the blue sky above us crisp. An occasional butterfly would play with his face, making him lose control of the bicycle, yet I was giggling more than when it was my birthday.

I also remember the time when Eomma carried me on her back all the way to the clinic because I was really sick. I must be ten then, and the journey was long. I can't remember the clinic, or how terrible I felt. I only remember her warm back as we passed the streets of old shops.

There was also the new year evening when I was in seventh grade. Everybody was at grandpa's, and crowded round the TV watching another tear-jerking episode of Winter Sonata. When Yujin was asked why she loved Min-Hyung, the words of Min-Hyung floated in her mind, "When you really like something, you can't pinpoint the reason for it." The beautifully sad piano music then started, and I was thinking to myself, how nice if I could play that tune. Before Yujin replied, however, I felt a hand grabbed hold of my wrist. I looked up, only to see a cousin looking dazed. Within seconds, he seemed to realize what he was doing and turned red in the face. He quickly dropped my hand, as abruptly as he had held it, as if it was a hot iron plate. His action attracted many eyes but most shrugged it off and went back to Yujin's reply. But I still remember the odd look on the face of an aunt.

And then there was September 14, 2014 - the day of my 25th birthday and fanmeet; the day he made a surprise appearance to give me support even though he was in the thick of filming a movie; the day I broke down in tears in front of thousands of fans. But these are not the only reasons why I remember that day...

"Jong Suk, go order some food now.... I'm dying of hunger......" a voice moaned from the couch. He had just conveniently parked himself face down on it right after we entered my apartment.

"Don't chew on my sofa - it's cow's hide, not steak," I said as I folded his very long legs backwards and plopped down on the empty space. I then took out my phone, ready to order. "... what do you want? Jajangmyeon? Fried chicken?"

He looked up, hope sparkling in his eyes, "Hmm... how about home cooked food?"

I looked at him in disgust. It was less than two hours to midnight and I was dead tired from the fanmeet. "Ya~! It's my birthday," I reminded him, reading his mind. Which birthday boy had to cook? Moreover, delivery would be faster. "Didn't you say you are very hungry?"

"But I miss home cooked food. And you're a better cook than I am. And, I'm the guest," he proclaimed with glee.

"No guest takes over another's couch," I side-eyed him without sympathy. "I'm deadbeat and can't lift a finger. Move your bum and cook or call, up to you."

He grumbled under his breath, possibly giving up from a rumbling stomach, "What's in the fridge?" "Not much," I replied smugly, hiding a smile; happy that I was winning. "Maybe some chicken? And kimchi Eomma brought over last week."

"That'll do. Fried chicken, kimchi and soju," he flashed a mischievous grin and pointed at me, "and the cook."

"What?" I jumped up from the seat, flapping my arms and bouncing to show the unfairness of the situation. "It's my birthday!"

By then he had buried his face again, but I could see his shoulders quivering as he tried to suppress his laughter. Determined not to be made a mockery on this important day, I jumped onto him and locked him in a Death Kill. He cried out in exaggeration and I locked him in tighter. "Ahhhh.... that hurts!" He screamed as if he was butchered. "Ah-ah-ah-ah! Enough, enough! Oh, oh! I remember! It's... it's your birthday! Ok, I'll do it, I'll do it! You just need to lie back and wait." He flipped over, almost tumbling over his long legs, and placed me back on the couch like I was a prized chest of gold. Triumphant, I stretched out and took over the seat as I lay like a king.

He gave an amused look and grinned wickedly, "You must be very tired... from all that crying." I cursed under my breath. He would probably tease me about this for thirty lifetimes. "... I'm tired because I've been busy since morning!" I turned red in the ears. "Sure... of course!" He nodded in fake agreement and laughed his way into the kitchen.

I was glad he didn't press on about why I couldn't control my tears during the fanmeet. I wouldn't be able to tell him why I had lost my composure on stage. It had been a very trying time for the past months. The stress and disappointments from work, the bottled up indignity of being wronged and having to apologize and smile through it all... He was away and I had no one to confide in. The front I'd been holding up for so long had fallen apart the moment I saw him.

The food was ready before long. Somehow he managed to find some seaweed besides the chicken and kimchi. "What's a birthday without seaweed soup?" he winked.

"Hmmph... too much salt," I grumbled after downing half the bowl in one gulp. I didn't expect to have seaweed soup today. I rarely have one on my birthday since moving out from home.

"Just eat," he said.

"The chicken will taste better with some pepper," I complained through a mouthful.

He dumped two more pieces on my bowl.

"At least the kimchi is fine," I nodded in approval.

"Thank you."

"But that's from my mom..."

He calmly got up from his seat, walked over and grabbed me in his arms before stuffing a huge piece of chicken in my mouth.

... It was the best birthday meal I've ever had.

"What? Sung Si Kyung again?" he looked up as I turned õn the music after dinner. "Don't you have Big Bang?"

"I'll play that on your birthday," I assured him with a big smile, and took a sip of the soju in victory. It was bitter. Like a secret love. "... Why do you even like this stuff? It's bitter!" I complained. "It's sweet," he looked at me with mock contempt. "Your tongue needs to grow up. This is as sweet as love!"

"Your hometown must have awarded you a BSK trophy."

"What's that?"

"Bullshît King trophy."

He fell over with laughter. When he finally stopped giggling he pulled my neck over and said, "You're right. It's really bitter. But its last note on the tongue is sweet, don't you think so?"

I couldn't retort, because I was looking at his tongue as he spoke, and my mind was filled with his words that somehow made me blush right to my ears.

Come to think of it, it was a very typical night. Simple soul food, with a normal atmosphere. As the time ticked nearer to the end of the day, he said, "Suk, you know, sometimes things just don't go the way we hope it'll be. When many bad things happen at once, it's really tough. But, you shouldn't give up. That's not you. No matter what others think or say, I'll always be here for you. Remember that," he says without looking up from his glass of soju.

[In the whole wide world

You were the only one who cared for me

I cried the nights away

Full of hardship

Not knowing where I was

Feeling lost, wandering

I walked a path I could not see

Somewhere I did not know

I don't need anything right now

You were there in my stead

I won't leave you alone in despair

Amidst the darkness left by my absence]

- Be Mine Forever

"Is that a promise?" I curled my lips on one side, hoping my light reply wouldn't give away how affected I was to hear that.

"You would do the same for me too, won't you?" He looked up and gazed at me confidently. "No matter what happens, I know you'll always be by my side, giving me strength and support."

I nodded. Of course I'll always be by his side, no matter what happens.

[Because you stayed there

Because it's you

Because you sometimes

quietly lean on my shoulder

I'm really, completely happy

I follow you, as time flows and as time stops]

- Every Moment of You

"Good," he smiles as if he's been given the best answer ever. "Jong Suk ah, Happy Birthday! Let's spend your next birthday like this again... No, let's spend every year like this!" He sealed the agreement with the rest of the soju in his glass.

We sat on the couch, our long legs resting on the edge of the coffee table, and spoke of our dreams. And the neighbour's dog. And who's dating who. The drink and exhaustion quickly wore him out, and he fell asleep with his head slumped against my shoulder, a half empty glass of soju still in his hand.

My heart throbbed too loud, as he lay without a thought on my shoulder.

I removed the soju cup from his loose grip. It's funny how the same drink was so different for us. Was there magic in his cup that made the bitter drink sweet? I studied the rim, where his lips had gently touched and had savoured sweet love... and put it against my own... tasting it. ... Liar! I placed the cup down with my trembling hands. It was still bitter, no matter whose cup it was from. Although, it must have spiked up the alcohol level... for my cheek was burning hot.

The weight on my shoulder made the heat from the soju more pronounced. I wondered if I should move his head away - the heat spreading from my cheeks to my ears told me I had to do so quickly. I gently held his head, my fingers lingering over the contours of his ears. My hands burned, like fire in a furnace, as they came into contact with his skin.

"Hey," I whispered as I lay him down, "are you really leaving the dishes to me?"

But he showed no signs of waking up. As Sung Si Kyung's "A Moment of You" played in the background, I found my lips on my sleeping friend.

It was a meek, gentle touch. His lips had the warmth that only belonged to him. It had the scent that was unmistakably him. Its tenderness traveled and vibrated into the deepest part of my heart, causing ripples after ripples to spread further and further into every corner of my trembling body. Yet the sneaky act only served to punish me further. I was not unlike some boys who stole a piece of wine coated chocolate, meant only to be served to the most respected of all guests. It was what I secretly craved, but knew all along, was not meant for me. What would a boy do, after sneaking a bite of what is forbidden? What would one do, knowing he could never have another of the sinful taste again?

I backed away, guilt eating me, made more terrible that his lips were warm beyond words. It was the first time I knew his lips, and would be the last. Because to love and not to have could only mean one thing. I wanted to run away from an aching heart. I wanted to seal it and bury it where I couldn't find it. My practical head knew the right thing to do. It was not only to avoid a heartache, it was also to prevent ruining our friendship. Wanting something not meant for me was foolishness. I needed to turn my eyes to something else. I needed to dilute that unwanted feeling.

And then Sin Ae came along. She was my rope to climb out of this whirlpool.

What I didn't expect, was my heart did not die. It shamefully continued to throb, it shamefully continued to pine. While dating Sin Ae, I bury myself in the deepest part of the pool, unwilling and unable to take a single step out.

And now, more than a year after that day, I almost knew his lips again. This time, it was not my sneaky act. This time, he was the one who almost kissed me. But this time, unlike a year ago, we both have a girlfriend.