(LJS)

That day, time stood still as I sat at the dining table staring into the spoon of rice in my hand. A buzz surrounded me and I vaguely heard the excited voice of Sin Ae beside me. She must be really happy for the news that she just heard. There must be something very wrong with my ears, for what I heard had the opposite effect on me. In fact, it felt like I'd just fallen into a deep hole - so deep I was not sure if I could ever climb out of it...

"... Jong Suk, ... Jong Suk!"

I look up to see her big almond eyes.

"Are you okay? You were staring at the spoon for ages!"

"Oh, I..." I snap back to everything around me. "I was just thinking... the rice tastes really good today..." The flimsy excuse probably ended in a mumble, I'm not sure because my mind is desperately clinging onto comfort somewhere else. It does not want to be here, on such a happy occasion.

The beautiful woman across the table laughs at us teasingly, her dimple enough to take any man, including the only one that matters.

"Sin Ae ah, it must be your great cooking!" she heaps her praises. "You should cook for him everyday and hopefully we will be lucky enough to be invited for dinner again."

The one who invited them for dinner cannot be more pleased. It was her idea to come over and cook up a storm, and her idea again to invite the two over. But it was not her idea for them to drop the bomb. She was as clueless as me. Except, I'm the only one who feels like running away from the party.

"It's just a simple meal," she proudly declares, "It's not everyday we four get to be free at the same time. But really, Mi Na unnie! How could you just tell us of your marriage plans now!"

I stuff the spoonful of rice into my mouth and continue with another big serving. I need to push down a huge lump that's forming in my throat. I keep my face down, eyes fixed on another spoon of rice, trying hard not to let the other three notice the terrible stinging in my eyes.

"We are just toying with the idea; there's no dates yet," the woman with the summer dimple announces as her guy puts a piece of meat in her bowl. He remains silent and let his girlfriend speak. In fact, for this gathering of four, only two had really been talking. Say something, I pleaded in my heart, I pleaded too loud, but the denial of the plan never comes. It didn't come.

"It's an occasion for drinks then!" I push myself from the table, standing abruptly, to break the happy chatter at the table, and to cease the crack in my heart. The chair falls backwards, making a horrendous crash onto the floor - so loud, it silenced the world. So loud, it draws every pair of eyes on me... my girlfriend's... his girlfriend's... His. I quickly pick the fallen chair up. At least, it is not broken. At least, it is still in one piece. Without looking at the rest, I hurry into the solitary confines of my kitchen.

The green bottles in the fridge gaze quietly at me. They stand at attention awaiting their purpose in life. There are many of them now, since the one they are meant for had not come over for close to two months. Today, they would serve their purpose, on this day that he announces his intention to marry.

I shut my eyes, as I kneel trodden in front of the open fridge. The cool air stealths over my face, maybe, it can soothe my soul. Maybe, like the wardrobe that connects kids to a magic land, this cold box too, can transport me to another realm.

I open my eyes... it doesn't work that way. I bite onto my lip, so hard I remember reality. The party is waiting for me.

The green bottles get taken out, and I turn around, almost bumping into the taller figure.

"Need help?" he asks.

"No, I can manage," I reply without looking up.

He remains at the spot, blocking my way; making me unable to move on.

"Let's get back to the girls," I mumble.

He does not answer, nor does he move a step, forcing me to look up.

"Jong Suk, are you avoiding me?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"You've been avoiding me since that day in the studio." That day. One month and two weeks ago.

"What?" My heart aches as I laugh. "Where did you get that? I was just very busy recently."

"Busy? You've not taken on anything for a while."

"... I've been going through some offers," I lied. I had wanted to go through the piles of scripts, but my mind could hardly focus on work anymore.

"And?"

"What?"

"You said you were going through offers."

"... I've decided on a China project."

"What?" his eyes narrowed.

"A China project," I repeated. "A drama."

"China?" He has a right to be astonished. I surprised myself too. "What drama? You going there for a shoot? For how long? You can't be serious!"

I keep quiet. I have no answers to something I made up on the spot. I would just need to pick out one of those scripts lying on my bedroom floor. I am only certain about one thing - it's painfully hard to see him now. If getting away means I can stop thinking about him, then I'll go as far as possible.

He shakes his head as if it was the most far-fetched lie he'd heard, "Why would you want to go there? You don't speak the language! For god's sake you don't even sleep well at foreign places! It's not the same as fanmeets! How can you act with so many barriers?"

Even then, foreign beds will only be a little more unbearable than sleeping in my own room. The only place I could sleep in peace is not mine to begin with.

"Suk, are you sure you're taking that? Why would you want to do that?" He asks again.

"... for the money." Yes, money. What else? Career was always my priority.

I turn to the cabinet behind me. There is a beautiful set of soju glasses that was given to me. I've kept it for a special occasion, maybe this is the day. I reach up to the highest section, the glasses kept too high even for my height. A careless move, and down rains some containers.

"Watch out!" He grabs me in his arms, away from the jeering household wares. I stare into those concerned eyes, seeing things I don't want to see. Time... stops ticking - with his arms around me. They tightly encircle me, like searing hot ropes that bind me to eternity. His eyes, there are red traces in it. There's too much moisture lining it.

"Suk, you ok?" The voice is soft, so soft it is a whisper.

Please, stop this. Or I will not know how to detach myself from this chest.

I pull myself from him, detangling my arms from his hands. I need to pick up the fallen things; I can take care of myself. I should not try to get the glasses that are beyond my reach, the existing ones at the dining table would do just fine.

"I'm ok. Let's go back to the girls."

That ended the conversation as I walk past him back to the dining table, where his girlfriend and my girlfriend are chatting happily.

Sitting at the table watching the two girls beaming with joy, I wonder when retribution will set in for such a despicable person like me. I have used Sin Ae, even though I'd sincerely thought I could start a relationship with her. Time proved that there are some things you cannot will yourself.

I have also done a disservice to Mi Na. I am her boyfriend's buddy who is looking at him in the wrong way.

And Woo Bin... I can only wish that by disappearing from your vision, you can live the life you've always wanted. Yet, having a glimpse of that life where I have no part of, I can only scream into my pillow every night. Where would I go now? What would happen to me? Will I forever look back on the day I walked into your studio and saw what I saw? The reasons you painted those, the reasons you leaned close to me... and the reasons you are suddenly thinking of marriage; if things hurt because it's complicated, then, throw away the paintings... and let me forget what they could have meant.

There is nothing I can give you, except not giving you what you don't need.

I open the bottles of soju and fill the empty glasses. The colorless liquid flows out without hesitation, like memories I had with him. Like the unwanted feelings that just can't stop flowing. Like the determination of what I have to do.

Time, I can only surrender to it. And distance will be my tool. If I cannot erase the person from my heart, I will just have to make him move on without such a friend.

I pass him the glass and gaze into the eyes of the man I can never have. "Here, I have no champagne, but let these soju be a toast to you... and Mi Na."