(Sin Ae)

Liar.

From the beginning I knew he was a liar.

He lied that he liked me too, and agreed to go out with me. He told me that he was not seeing any other girls - that was not a lie but it concealed a deeper truth - a horrible, scandalous truth. I'd seen all kinds of men while working in this line for so long, so it was not hard to tell that his eyes were never on me.

But what mattered was how I felt - and that was, I liked him. I liked his flower boy good looks, and his doggedness towards his craft. He was gentle, and had a down-to-earth side that was very unlike me. He did not look at me the way many men did, it was I who looked at him and that, to me, made all the difference - it made me fall head over heels for him. It also meant I was destined to be the loser from the start.

The few months we're together, I've noticed that there are things he has kept hidden from everyone and they are weighing him down much more than I thought. I have my suspicions to what those secrets are, but they remain just that: suspicions. That is, until today.

I guess I saw it coming. The breakup.

He told me he has decided to go to China for the next project. And so? Why would that be a reason to break off? I scoffed inside. Tell me a more convincing reason.

He said he is not sure if he'll come back. What? What's in that stupid, crazy mind of his? What in the world is he thinking? Is that the reason why he has no intention to sign with another agency after his contract expires?

I know there are things he is not telling. Maybe he is just being kind to me, but it is not enough. I, at the very least, have the right to an answer.

"Because of him?" I throw out a 'wild' guess. The 'him' being that best friend of his - the one who had just announced his marriage plans that night over dinner. I was overjoyed by the news, but the person before me didn't seem to feel the same.

Of course, I don't expect an affirmation to such a ridiculously crazy guess. But he does not deny it. He Fecking. Does. Not. Deny. It! He doesn't even ask whom I was referring to. What a way to confirm my suspicions.

I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to give a tight slap on that exquisite face. Except I am equally guilty. I knew all along his heart is somewhere else. I knew it since the beginning. Maybe I believed in myself too much. I thought I could win in the end. How could I not win? People say I've got everything - looks, fame, money. Put any girls in front of me and I would most probably win. And yet I lose to a man.

"You know that is not normal, don't you?" I refuse to mince my words. There is no one to pity me except myself.

He remains hunched on the bench. A side of his lips lifts as if to sneer at himself, or is it at the cruelty of my statement?

"I can't help it," he mumbles, looking at the floor. It is a simple sentence, but the quiet voice must have carried a tonne of burden.

"He's getting married!" poison spits from my mouth. I am a woman. A vengeful, spiteful, spurned woman.

He keeps his head low, his beautiful and soulful eyes selfishly refuse to let me gaze for one more moment. Ah... right, his eyes were never really on me to begin with. I had wondered who those eyes were meant for, was it for a past love or for the person I'd suspected. The signs were there. The way he looked at the guy, the way he was such a different person in front of him, the way his features softened and his smile saddened. Yeah, the signs were definitely there. And that was why I had my suspicions. Damn those hunches... never so right in my life.

I remember how he was never that interested in our dates. More importantly, I remember how he began to crumble before my very eyes when that guy also started to date. He stopped taking projects, sleep escaped him. The inkling of doubt should have been confirmed then, but I was just too stubborn to admit I would lose. I guess, there are secrets that one would never reveal, especially terrible secrets such as this, and I could then stand the best chance if his is what I suspected. I could end up profiting from an impossible love. That best chance would have come into fruition with the marriage plans unnie told us. Instead, it became the thing that sped up our breakup.

"I said, he's getting married!" I shouted loudly, in case he didn't hear. In case he still harbours impossible dreams. In case he's hurting less than me.

"It doesn't matter," he finally looks up. I wish he hadn't. He actually looks more pitiful than me. "That's something that will happen eventually. Sin Ae... I'm sorry."

What? That's it? 'Will happen eventually'? Aren't you going after him you idiot? Are you not going to tell him your feelings after breaking up with me? Are you just going to play a pitiful protagonist and say sorry to me and then disappear? What about me? What about... me? I'm a heroine in my story too!

I have fallen for a true idiot.

But what do I expect him to say, or do? Is there anything he can say or do now? That guy has a girlfriend, they have just announced their intention to marry. His love is so hopelessly one-sided, like my love for him. And look at me now, I'm at the losing end - only because I still love him. I can't imagine becoming strangers with him - I don't want that to happen. I would have cried and screamed like others, but I did date other guys before and had broken a few hearts myself. It's just that, he's the first one I really had thoughts of settling down with. The irony of it.

I get up from the bench, my eyes trying to reach as far as the Han river could take me. The water drifts gently along the bank, not caring for the tumultuous loss before it. It had witnessed more sadness than any rivers, and could not prevent the tragedies lying in its river bed. Two joggers cast a side glance at us. Did they recognize us? Even if they did, it would mean nothing now. Jong Suk and I... we could deny it for real, this time.

"It's good we never go public," I say calmly, trying to sound cool, "proves I'm right that celebrities' love life should be kept a secret." Hopefully, the silent sigh that escaped didn't give away my disappointment. "Jong Suk, don't stay away for too long. If you change your mind..." I wanted to say he could come back to the place that I will keep for him, but his eyes tell me that this is it. He will never come back to me.

"Take care," I say instead, "if I go over I'll look for you."

He quietly nods his head, those beautiful eyes now finally gazing at me. But they are not filled with love, they are just a thousand shades of apology.

I wiggle my nose in the cold. When deep winter finally comes, I guess I'll move on too. Life is too short to waste on an impossible love. But is it really impossible? My love stands a much better chance than his. My rightful love will get more blessings than his would ever have. I just need to be there, even as a friend, and maybe one day I would win. I will win when he loses. And when that day comes, I will be his choice.

(tbc)