A few months ago Lee Jong Suk thought he'd never see his home country again. Reality proves that he is a man with zero determination. Two words - just two words from the man that fills his thoughts, is all it takes to crumble his resolution. Even though he was not able to forget his misery while in a foreign land, at the very least, he was further away from a reality that was smothering him. Yet two words from the man, and he finds himself flying back the moment filming wraps up; into the bosom of pain and bracing himself to watch a fate he does not want, nor is he capable of preventing. Life is a matter of choices, and he knows this is a foolish one.

"Mr Lee, would you like some coffee?" the beautiful air stewardess smiles at him. She is wearing the smart uniform of his country's national carrier. It is a sign that he is nearer to Seoul, nearer to the person he was trying to forget.

He gives a polite smile, and declines. Coffee has lost its taste. It used to be strong and fragrant, it is now only bitterness. His eyes go back to the blue sky outside the window. The fluffy white clouds look like marshmallows, he wonders what it'll feel like to jump in. Will he be able to roll on it or will he fall right through?

He can hear the stewardess giggling with her excited colleagues at the back. They have recognized him, of course, but he is in no mood to cater to their fan girling. Just another hour more and he'll be back in Seoul, much earlier than he had expected. In a desired scenario where his mind does what it decides, and not let his weakness triumph over him, he would not be back at all - for good. But right now, he just wants to see Woo Bin. He does not want to think further - he is incapable of thinking further. He doesn't want to remember the heartbreak of seeing the couple together, nor does he want to imagine how his heart will tear when they finally decide on a wedding date. He just wants to hear the two words coming from Woo Bin's lips, and to tell him that he is back. "Come back", he writes the two words on the cold window, the same words that he received from Woo Bin's message, though the window refuses to give a trace of the words. Lee Jong Suk, he smiles sadly at his own reflection on the window, is nothing but a spineless fool.

He hates himself for it, yet he is weak against it. Sometimes he wishes one of his drama characters will take over him, but they are all the same in essence - they are all him. Guilt-trapped student, sweet younger boyfriend, goofball-pretending genius doctor, or a reporter with conviction - no matter which character he plays, when stripped bare, they share one thing in common: an obstinacy to a deeply held emotion. They are all him, because he recognized them when choosing the scripts.

His luggage has barely touched the floor when he tears out of the door again. He wants to see Woo Bin immediately. What he will say to Woo Bin when he sees him he's not sure. He just wants to see the man now. He misses him, more than a tune misses its lyrics.

But the man he wants to see is not in. He stops himself from using the password to enter - he has paid his lesson. He does not call him - he is too nervous to hear the other's voice. So he waits till the sky is dark, then bright again; and the elderly lady next door, on her way to the market, throws him a suspicious glance. He adjusts his cap lower, and lugs his tired body back to his own apartment.

He goes back that same day, and the next. But the man he wants to see is still not in. He tries not to think where Kim Woo Bin might be. He dares not check the other's schedule, and refuses to go online to find his news. He does not want to find out that the man he longs for is at his girlfriend's place.

He eventually tells himself to give up on the third night, while clutching tightly onto the white shirt he is wearing. The shirt Woo Bin bought him, it creases right where the heart is. He has no idea what he expects to achieve waiting there - wearing the shirt to the man's place. He knows that the two words from Woo Bin will not change the name of the game, he knows that if he gives in he will just bring misery to Woo Bin forever. Woo Bin has his concerns, Jong Suk is aware of that. That is why he has to be the one with a clear mind, whilst the reality of his true feelings is still unknown to Woo Bin. Yet, he had almost let his longing wreck everything by wanting to see the other. And now he has to face further reality. Woo Bin, he has his own life - he will only be a friend to Jong Suk, no matter what the portraits show.

He shifts a little from the spot where he has sat for the past three days, right outside Woo Bin's door. The ground remains hard and unwelcoming. It has no trace of presence except the little warmth that will soon dissipate. His lips twitch a little. The three days camping there has no purpose. Neither is there any results. He stares at the floor for a moment, taking pity at the stony ground that couldn't even make a dent, and moves back to the same spot, lying his head against the same wall. A lone tear makes its way down his cheek, and he violently pushes it away with his hand. He hates when his stubbornness rears its ugly head, and he hates it even more that Kim Woo Bin must be spending the past days at Mi Na's place. And who is he to be even upset about it?

https://youtu.be/vRP2lvf-ZiA

(Here I Am - Yesung)

It is past midnight on this day that a tall man finally stops his steps before him.

Kim Woo Bin's eyebrows lightly dips as he sees the person sitting on the floor outside his door, sleeping with his head against the wall. On that slender body, is the white shirt he bought him. When did he come back? How long has he been waiting there?

"Suk... Jong Suk..." he calls, standing there a little unsure of himself.

The other slowly opens his eyes, like a child waking from a very deep sleep.

"Why are you sleeping here? Why didn't you go in?"

A soft smile breaks from the other. It is a little sheepish, a little unarmed. "I had a dream," the person says.

"What dream?"

"... I was six, and I was trying to paint the sky. There was a blue crayon on my right hand, and a purple one on my left... I eventually colour it purple. But the kids were laughing at me.

"They said, 'The sky is only blue'. But I'm sure I saw the purple hue even amongst the blue, and I like what I saw."

"I'm sure that was a pretty picture," the other lowers himself to eye level, and says in a low, assuring voice.

"Yes, it was, even though the teacher also made a fuss."

"I would like to see it... the sky with the purple hue."

The pair of limpid eyes gazes deep into Woo Bin's. "Would you have chosen purple too, if you have seen it?"

"I would."

"But you'll be laughed at. They'd say you're crazy... you'll be ridiculed."

"But you chose purple too, didn't you? So I won't be alone. That's all that matters."

He is always like that - Kim Woo Bin. Warm, kind, assuring. That is why Lee Jong Suk does not want to be the one to mess that up. How could he bring hopelessness to the one who gives him hope? Once again, he hates himself for being selfish. He has forgotten the man's well-being just because he misses him.

He looks down and smiles, swallowing a sigh which threatens to run back up as fluid in the eyes, "Luckily, it's a dream." He says.

Woo Bin quietly gazes at the one in the white shirt. He still does not understand Jong Suk. Sometimes he thinks he's on to something, then he realizes he is none the wiser. Jong Suk is like a butterfly, flitting in and out of his palm. What his friend is thinking, Woo Bin realizes, he may never know.

He opens his door, and signals his friend to get in.

"Welcome back," he mumbles. That is all that matters.

"I'm back," replies the other.

They didn't speak another word of that dream. Kim Woo Bin didn't ask how long Lee Jong Suk was waiting for him outside his door, and Lee Jong Suk didn't ask Kim Woo Bin where he was for the past three days. They spent the night in more silence than exchanges. Eventually the one who suffers from insomnia falls asleep on a familiar bed, while the owner of the place sits deep in thought in the dark, at the couch overseeing the bed. 

 (tbc...)