The green bottles in the refrigerator sit unmoving, like the indifferent still life subject of a painter's work, oblivious and unfeeling to all things around them. Cold, unsympathetic air seeps out from the cooler, haughtily oppressing anyone who dares to peek in, quietly challenging anyone to change their stance. Like prisoners seeking freedom, a heavy sigh escapes, mixing hot breath with cool air within the still atmosphere. A bottle of water stands alone among the greens. It is the only choice to clear a fogged up mind.

The head swirls, even as lead weighs down these feet. I crawl back to the room, depleted. The fluffy pillow does not cushion the heavy weight of my head, and the painful thud widens a whirlpool that was already formed. Pounding...... pounding.......... swelling. A burning whiff of hot air escapes from my dry lips, taking with it their last moisture. My eyelids are heavy, as if knowing the weight of the world. How... laughable. As I lower them the pale ceiling floats further and further away from me.

Aboeji... is this what you fear? A child who could have been bullied in school; a son who grew up weak. I had pleaded for your trust, and set to prove you wrong. I stubbornly charged onto this clear path, with nothing but clearer vision, yet a monstrosity came out of nowhere, hurtling itself towards me. Aboeji, I had tried to swerve to safety, I swear... but only to find that I've gotten onto the wrong lane. I tried hard to direct myself back knowing the dangers ahead, yet... I'm still stuck in this lane. Have I been wrong? Have you always been right?

Eomma once said, sleep, and all will be fine. I had slept as much as I could. I slept till I couldn't sleep anymore. But Eomma, everything remains the same when I wake. Eomma, all is still not fine. Tell me, when will the searing pain in my heart go away?

A familiar aroma floats from the kitchen, accompanied by the clanking of pots.

"Eomma?" I must have fallen asleep. A wet towel drops off from my forehead as I try to get up.

"Jong Sukkie? Are you awake? You should rest a little longer," it's not Eomma. The person pops her head through the bedroom door, her long brown hair flowing as her head tilts side ways. "Don't get up, you're running a fever."

She walks over, waving a thermometer in hand. Like an obedient lamb, I lie on the bed as she pops the cold piece of glass into my mouth.

"What would have happened if I didn't drop by?" She frowns as she picks up the remote to check the room temperature.

"... how long was I sleeping?" For the sake of answering her. Not that I really care how long I was sleeping. It could be three years later and it won't really matter. I'll probably still be here, waking up to a lie. My lie.

"Been a day," she bends down, putting her forehead on mine. "Mm... not as hot now. 38 degrees," a satisfied smile appears on her face as she removes the thermometer from my mouth. "By the way, Woo Bin called. He was worried. He told me you left his place this morning not looking too well."

She looks a little frustrated. Like every time she mentions Woo Bin. I look away, preferring to ignore it. She continues to complain why a star like me was drenched in the rain. And why my fridge was empty except for some useless drinks and why I didn't send an assistant to pick up some groceries.

I tear my eyes from the thermometer still in her hand and thought of a good reply. "That's why, Sin Ae ah, you are very important to me," and give her my charming smile... a smile that hides an obvious lie, and a smile that's as hideous as its owner.

But she didn't notice and replies with a playful peck on my cheek. I squirm within. The easier it is to distract her the more terrible I feel. And I have no right to feel better.

She sits down on the bed and with one hand, touches my cheek. "I've stocked up the fridge and made some chicken soup for you," her voice barely goes above a whisper as her lips move nearer to mine. "... Suk..... I can stay and make porridge for breakfast..." Her eyelids lower sensually as her hand moves to my chest. Her fingers my collar, and her sultry voice boldly suggesting something more.

"You'll catch it," I turn my head to the side, holding her at arm's length.

Disappointment and awkwardness hang thick in the air. She turns her attention to the remote again, adjusting the dropping temperature in the room.

"You know... you never kiss me the way Dalpo kissed Inha...."

The awful dejection weighs heavy in her voice, her eyes remain fixed on the remote but the insecurity in her voice echoes painfully in my ears. I didn't know she'll notice. But she's an actress - actresses are naturally more sensitive to everything. I want to say something to assure her. I wanted to do something for her in return. I tried, but I am not Dalpo. Dalpo kissed with his heart. Dalpo loved Inha. Dalpo didn't know... that man. Dalpo was just a character I played. I am... an actor who is acting even in real life.

"Sin Ae..." I don't know how to reply her.

She lets out a sigh, giving up with a halfhearted smile. "Actually, I was a little surprised when you accepted my feelings."

I look up, desperately searching for some words. "... why?"

"I don't know... there's the talk about you and Woo..."

Like being struck with a hot rod, I quickly jump up and grab her wrist. Her big eyes stare wide at me in surprise and I immediately let go of the strong grip that must have hurt her. My hand awkwardly reaches out to mess up her hair instead. "Are you some crazy, delusional fan? I'm dating you and you should know that." I pull her head onto my shoulder so she wouldn't notice the panic in my eyes.

"Sorry," she mutters, though I should be the one apologizing.

"No... you're not at fault. If it makes you feel better, we could let the public know," I say with all sincerity. "You know I had wanted to admit when..."

"No, that's out of the question," her voice becomes stern. "Jong Suk, we've been through this before and you promised. You know how important privacy is for people in our line. Just think how many fans we would lose."

There are some things she is very adamant about. Confident and uncompromising, she can be very stubborn when she wants things her way. She is level-headed and knows the consequences. I had wanted to be truthful - I can be truthful about anything. I want to be truthful about everything. There is only one thing I have to hide.

"I know. Anytime you change your mind, I'm ready," because I need to stop dwelling in the impossible. Because I need to find happiness. Because life needs to go on. Because because, this is the logical thing to do. Just like choosing water when one is ill - the bitter taste of soju is not for the taking, no matter how much it relishes.

She smoothes out her messy hair, her smile now a lot surer. "Ok, but let's keep it a little longer. You promised."

I squeeze the hand of the one whom I had thought could make my eyes turn away from the bright sun.

"Good," she smiles with ease now. "I'll go get the soup for you."

She gets up and walks away. The long hair that hung like a curtain now moves with an air of assurance not unlike her character.

"Sin Ae..."

She turns around, her big almond eyes deep and penetrating, "Yes?"

"Thank you..."

"... for what?" Sharp and bright, they seem to query and burn into my soul.

I shake my head, smiling at her.

Thank you, for being there when I was looking for happiness.

And mianhae, Sin Ae ah. One day, I will be Dalpo for you.

(tbc)