(KWB)

The gentle motion of the moving van comes to a stop as the manager wakes me. "Woo Bin, we're here." I open my bleary eyes to see him peering at me. Filming for my drama has started for a while, and I'm on the way home after a whole night of outdoor shooting in the cold.

Beyond the window, the quiet street with its morning fog sees only an early jogger and an occasional car. Birds are just beginning to call. I stretch my long limbs, and mumble a word of thanks, hauling my tired frame out of the vehicle.

"Drink some ginseng, you'll need it," he calls after me before driving away.

I shudder in the cold, wondering if I should light up a cigarette. The crisp winter air stops me - something so pure shouldn't be smothered by toxicity. I stuff the poison packet back into the coat and shuffle on, tugging the collar over my face to cut out the wind. My tired footsteps drag on the asphalt, the black leather shoes weighing my feet as I trudge towards my block.

In the ghostly purple dawn, distant but still within my sight, a familiar figure walks out from the grey building. Renewed energy springs from my exhausted body, like a parched-dry desert receiving its first drop of rain. It is him, the forbidden oasis to my soul.

He looks ethereally pale at this early hour. His very fine and soft brown hair, left naturally unstyled, shivers across his eyes in the wind. Little clouds of vapor stealthily escape from those untinted lips as his ears flush pink from the chill. He is beautiful, more so today in contrast to the dreariness around us. I should be thankful that I still have him in my life. He is my best friend and that will never change, even though I have to battle with a monster within me.

"Looking for me?" I ask, loathing the fact that I'm only able to show my affection through a smile. How I wish I can cover his freezing ears with my two hands.

"Just... wanted to say goodbye."

It is a brutally cold morning, for my smile freezes in a second. The cheery chirp of a brazen bird overhead - meant to be a sweet welcome for the day, becomes a shrill cry to my ears. Birds that sing in winter, they don't sing to breed, they cry for a mate. It is an aubade - a song of lovers parting at dawn.

I stood stunned for a moment, before my muddy mind strives to work. Ahh... it's the day he has to leave for his overseas project.

"So... you're leaving for China today?" I ask, unable to hide a frown. I still think it's a bad idea. We had talked about it. Rather, I had tried to talk to him about it... he simply avoided the issue. Maybe, he was avoiding me too. I know what happened in the studio that day had made it uncomfortable between us - who would appreciate that kind of cheap joke from a buddy? I have no one to blame but myself. "...When will you be back?"

 He hesitates at an overly simple question, before stating, almost inaudibly, "The shoot... should take about three months."

I didn't stop to ponder why it wasn't a direct answer. I was busy hoping he wouldn't go. I was busy wishing he would change his mind. I was busy asking God to somehow make him give up the plan. I was so busy, I didn't notice he had not really answered my question.

"Call me if it gets tough there," I say instead, looking for a little sign of enthusiasm that he always has for work. It is missing. His mind seems to be preoccupied by something else.

"Suk?" I called, after not getting a reply.

He is startled, but quickly regains his composure.

"Sorry, I was thinking of something else," he looks up and caught my eyes, before turning away quickly. I gaze quietly at the gentle curve of his head until he finally speaks again. "Woo Bin... sorry that I break the promise."

"What promise?" My brows dip between my eyes.

A van pulls up outside the gate. He glances over and looks back at me.

"The van is here. I better make a move now."

"Ok... take care." Shanghai today, Bangkok tomorrow, it's just part of our job. Nothing to raise my eyebrows over. Except this time he'll be gone for a few months.

I should have asked him what promise he was referring to, but he has a plane to catch. I gaze at the one whom I will not get to see for a while. Our eyes lock for a lot longer than they should. There is an unwanted tinge of sadness in his eyes... it disappears as he gives me a beautiful smile.

"You take care too, Woo Bin," and he walks towards the waiting van without looking back.

Maybe the sky doesn't want him to go too, because at this moment a drizzle starts to fall on this already drab and cold day. He stops in his track, pauses a moment and looks up towards the heaven. Stay! I want to call after him but the words get stuck in my throat. He looks back at me for a mere second, the smile on his face remains as he moves his lips to say something. I can't figure out what he is saying... the distance and the rain shroud my eyes. Before I could ask, he turns around and continues on his path.

"Fighting!" I call after him in the rain, but he did not turn back again.

The black van swiftly drives off, as if in a rush to leave the place. I remain standing in the rain, watching the vehicle speeds off away from my sight. I ignore the emptiness within me, and tell myself, he'll be back soon.

That day, I found our photo missing from its frame.

In its place, was a magazine cut-out of Mi Na and I.

Missing too, was the shirt that I bought for him, that he never had a chance to wear.

***

It is almost a month later that I found out that he has broken up with Sin Ae.

"Woo Bin..." the voice from the other end sounds hesitant.

"Sin Ae?" I am surprised by her call.

"...Is he okay?"

"Who? Jong Suk?" There is unlikely another 'he' between us. But why would she ask me about her boyfriend? "I haven't spoken to him since he left... don't you talk on the phone frequently?"

A silence greets me and I thought the line was cut off, until her voice comes through again.

"Didn't he tell you?" she sounds a little hoarse. "We... broke up."

Broke up? They broke up? ...Why? "When..."

"Been awhile. Shortly after the dinner when all four of us were present."

If it's not from her, I would not have believed what I just heard. That's a while ago already, why would he not mention to me?

"But why...?"

"I can't answer that. You would have to ask him."

Many questions flash across my mind. Why did they suddenly break off? Was she the one to call it quits? Why didn't he tell me?

"So, you've not talked to him and want to know how's he doing?" Does she still care?

"I've called him a few times. He's not picking up... only replied my message once. He just said he's doing fine and told me not to worry."

Come to think of it, he did not reply my messages too. I didn't think much. I just assumed he was busy.

"I'm sure he's fine," I assure her as well as myself. "Anyway he'll be back in a couple more months."

Upon hearing that, she gives a deep, frustrated sigh, "Did he tell you he'll be back?" Her tone, to say the least, is cynical.

"What do you mean?" Of course he'll be back.

I can hear an exasperated sigh.

"...nothing. Forget it. You are the last person I should be talking to anyway. I thought he'll call you. Guess I'm wrong." This time, it is a much longer pause. I wondered about the animosity in her sentence. When her voice comes through again surprisingly it has taken on a pleading tone, "Woo Bin ah... can you ask him to come back? Tell him he has to come back! He only listens to you."

It took me too long to realize that I'm dense. Something was not right and I didn't notice it sooner. An unknown fear suddenly strikes me hard. What's she trying to say? She made it sound like he won't be coming back. Why wouldn't he be back?

The world quickly puts on a yellow filter since the day Sin Ae and I spoke on the phone. I had tried to call him for the next few days. He only answered once and had kept the conversation short. He admitted to breaking up with her. Said he's busy and will call me back. The call never comes.

What Sin Ae said played in my mind over and over again. Will he really not come back? Why would he not come back and not mention anything to me at all? I lock myself in the studio and stare at the portrait of my best friend... the person I secretly have a feeling for. What if it's true that he's not coming back? I've never thought that one day I'll lose the person who's always by my side. Or have I already lost him?

I've been timid to acknowledge my feelings. I had thought I could leave that part of my life locked in the studio and continue to live a life that's deemed normal. Now, the thought that this person could be totally absent from my life scares me. It terrifies me. I realize life will not be the same without him. And it will be a life I would not know how to live. Often, he told me that I was his greatest support. But in truth, I got the most strength from him. My dream to become an actor was a path filled with sharp rocks and potholes. He was the one to firmly shine a light and gave me a hand when I thought I couldn't continue anymore. What would I do without this dear person... Will I ever be the same?

"You better come back!" I shouted as I hurl a box of paint across the room, and pleaded to no audience in the darkness of my studio. If he doesn't, I will go find him and drag him back, wherever he is. 

(tbc...)

* For the promise Jong Suk has broken, refer back to Chapter 8, 'A Birthday'.

For what he said in the rain, check this out:

https://youtu.be/FrzBKTFY_dE