Yoongi was in Japan and he was supposed to be having fun. But all he could think of at the moment was how weird Youngjae acted at the airport, how miserable he looked, how distressing his ‘I love you’ sounded and how bitter his kiss tasted. Yoongi called Youngjae as soon as he landed, but Youngjae didn’t pick up.

“Yoongi, dude, its fine, stop worrying. I’m sure he’s just sleeping or maybe even in class” Namjoon tried to calm Yoongi down. Namjoon didn’t need anxious and nervous Yoongi in front of the fans or on stage.

“Yeah, probably” Yoongi whispered, hoping for the best.

Yoongi still couldn’t forget Youngjae’s odd expression on his small face when Yoongi asked him out at the park with his arms wrapped around Youngjae. As Yoongi said the words ‘I want you to be with me every step of the way, I want you to be mine forever and ever’ Youngjae’s gloomy frown changed to a sad smile.

Yoongi always thought the sad smile was because of Yoongi’s sudden confession after being absent for almost two years without any contact, but when he saw Youngjae’s troubled goodbye at the airport he immediately figured out something else was up.

“Noona is Youngjae home?” Yoongi texted Youngjae’s sister trying to stop his internal ‘freak out session’, trying to convince himself into actually believing everything was okay with his best friend and soul mate.

“I don’t know but he’s probably home. I heard he didn’t go to school today”, a text calmed down Yoongi and helped him focus on his upcoming concert.

“Everything’s fine. Youngjae’s just sleeping” Yoongi assured himself, putting on his sneakers for the rehearsal concert.

**

Jaebum was in his business class, but his mind kept wandering about Youngjae and his strangely sad face when Jaebum confessed to him.

‘I love you, Youngjae’ Jaebum dropped from his mouth, not actually believing his own ears and his mouth. Never in a million years did Jaebum think he’d be standing in the middle of a random park, admitting his true feelings for his male friend. Another thing Jaebum had never even imagined was Youngjae’s face after Jaebum’s honest confession. His smile dropped and his dark circles under his weary eyes seemed to be getting bigger by the second.

‘You don’t have to give an answer now, though. Think it over and tell me your thoughts tomorrow’ Jaebum quickly said and went home, leaving Youngjae alone, again, on those lonely swings.

“What if he thinks I’m an idiot? What if Youngjae’s dumb thoughts are disturbing him again?” Jaebum thought as his professor kept on blabbing about some boring Jaebum didn’t give two s about.

“I hope Youngjae’s okay” Jaebum closed his eyes and decided to sleep through the rest of the lesson as he couldn’t sleep the previous night from the anxiety of waiting for Youngjae’s answer.

**

Yugyeom was at the JYPE building, waiting for his name to be called so that he could showcase his ‘god given’ talent. Yugyeom wished Youngjae didn’t have school and he was with him at the moment to hold his hand and tell him that the judges were going to love him. He needed Youngjae’s unconditional support and compliments. For a split second Yugyeom thought of calling Youngjae and making him cut his lessons just so that he could be with Yugyeom and cheer him on.

“No, Kim Yugyeom, you can’t do that. Youngjae hyung’s education is also very important” Yugyeom told himself.

“Just make sure to pass the audition and make Youngjae hyung proud” Yugyeom said, breathing in and out. He was going to be okay, he was going to be amazing for Youngjae’s sake.

**

"Don’t think about anything
Don’t even speak
Please just smile for me"

Youngjae was in his room, sitting on his bed that was covered with new sheets that were a shade of blue his mom bought him because his old ones were too worn out. He didn’t like the color of his bed sheets, they made him feel as if he was drowning and couldn’t be saved no matter what. Truth be told, he didn’t like most of the stuff that were in his room, including the very old sofa his parents saved from his grandparents’ apartment when it got sold after Youngjae’s grandparents both died. He didn’t like the small carpet on his floor that was shaped like a cloud, as it made him feel dizzy for some reason. Plus there still was the blood stain from that day that brought back those stupid and terrible memories. The only thing he favored in his room was his bed, that always warmed up Youngjae and made him feel somewhat safe, and his spinning chair that his dad got him for his birthday so that Youngjae would focus on school better. Youngjae looked out his dirty window that his mom didn’t bother to wash anymore. The sky was a sad shade of grey, indicating it was about to rain soon. Youngjae closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He felt a bit overwhelmed at the moment for some unknown reason. Overwhelmed and scared. Youngjae took a shaky breathe again trying his best to smile, trying to see the positive side. At least he was going to die on a rainy day.

"I still can’t believe it
Everything feels like a dream
Don’t try to disappear"

Yoongi was at huge stadium, rehearsing for the concert. Everything was going smooth, but Yoongi felt an unfamiliar and odd feeling.

 He had to stop for a few seconds just so that the unfamiliar and strange feeling would go away. This weird sick feeling, like he wanted to either scream or throw up was bothering him so much that he lost the ability to do anything that required thinking and using his brain. Plus for some reason his heart hurt, as if he had a heart problem, as if he was hundred years old. Yoongi couldn't breathe properly and something deeply disturbed him although nothing was wrong. Something was wrong, although nothing was wrong. Everything was under control and okay.  Everything was going as planned. So why was Yoongi feeling this way?

"Is it true?
So beautiful, so terrifying
Untrue"

Youngjae looked at the white bottle filled with sleeping pills that he was lucky enough to find in his mom’s purse in his right hand. In his left hand were the anti depressants his therapist was nice enough to provide Youngjae with. He looked out the window again. The light grey sky had turned into a dark sky filled with angry dark rain clouds. He had decided and there was no way of going back. It was now or never. Youngjae was scared, terrified, petrified. He wasn't afraid of dying; it was bound to happen sooner or later as Youngjae knew long ago he was going to take his own life. But he was scared of what was going to happen to everyone he loved after his death. Who would be the unfortunate one to find Youngjae's body? What would happen to his parents? What would happen to his poor mom who was cursed by some witch to become Youngjae’s mother? Will she bake Youngjae's favorite cookies on the day of his funeral? Will she bother to come into his room after his death to clean up his wardrobe just like she did every other week? Will his dad listen to his old records the morning after Youngjae’s suicide just like he does every morning? Will he kiss his mom on her cheek and tell her how much he loves her? Will his dad invite his brother he disliked so much to Youngjae's funeral? What will happen to his siblings? What will happen to his brother who’s trying his hardest to lead a great life in the huge city of Seoul? What will happen to him and his fiancé and their upcoming wedding? What will happen to his sister? Will she still continue to call their parents’ house every day to check up on everyone? Will she still continue to bring her famous and very delicious homemade cupcakes every now and then? What would happen to his niece and nephew? Who they are going to play and mess around with after Youngjae’s sudden disappearance? What will happen to Jackson after the news reach him? What about Mark? What will happen to Jaebum who’s waiting patiently for Youngjae’s answer to his sudden confession? What will happen to Yugyeom? Will he still continue to practice hard so that he would become a famous idol someday? Will he audition for the talent company he was dying to get in? What will happen to Yoongi?

"Be by my side
Will you promise me
If I touch you I’m afraid you’d fly away or break
I’m afraid"

Yoongi kept feeling sick, really sick. But he didn’t know why. That was the thing: he felt bad even though there was nothing to feel bad about. This stupid strange feeling caught him by surprise and wouldn’t leave him alone.

"I wanna stop time
When this moment is done
Would it be like a fantasy
Would I forget you
I’m afraid"

Youngjae was terrified of everything. What does exactly happen when one dies? Does he see light? Does God himself appear in front of him to take him to the land of the dead? Does his life flash in front of his eyes just like everyone says it does? Was Youngjae going to forget everything? Was he going to stop thinking? How does it feel when you can’t think? Was death just another dream that would last forever?

"You’re like a Butterfly
I stare at you from afar
If I touch you, will I lose you?"

Yoongi couldn't just sit there and pretend like nothing was wrong. He had to make sure everything was indeed fine. He quickly dialed his brother's number and called him. His brother picked up his phone almost immediately, telling him that he was about to call Yoongi himself. Yoongi asked about thousand questions, which were all answered by his brother. His brother assured that everyone was doing really well and nothing was wrong.

"You’re like wind
You’re like a softly lying dust
You’re there but I can’t reach you
You’re like a dream to me"

Youngjae took a deep breath before stuffing his mouth with pills. He gulped them down with the glass of water he prepared beforehand. Youngjae took a sit on his favorite chair, waiting for the dizziness and sleepiness to kick in. It felt weird and unnatural just sitting there and waiting for his life to be over, for him to die just like that. Youngjae didn’t feel anything. He couldn’t feel anything. He looked out the window for the last time. It seemed as if all of the big angry clouds were gone and were replaced with white ones, floating around the sky singing the happiest songs anyone has ever heard of. Soon enough Youngjae was on his spinning chair with his eyes tightly closed shut, sleeping his life away.

"My heart lets out a desperate sound
I can’t tell if it’s fantasy or reality" 

Yoongi's phone rang a few hours later. Yoongi picked it up, not expecting to hear the next sentence that was coming from his brother's mouth.

“Youngjae killed himself this morning” Yoongi’s brother said.

Until now, Yoongi didn’t know that one single sentence could be powerful enough to ruin a person’s life. He didn’t know what a person’s life could depend on a few meaningless words. He didn’t know until this very moment that Youngjae’s precious name didn’t belong in such horrible sentences. He didn’t know how ing bitter the words ‘can you repeat that’ tasted on his mouth. He didn’t know what it would hurt a whole lot more hearing that one sentence once more than hearing it the first time.

Just as Yoongi was starting to realize that Youngjae didn’t exist anymore, Jaebum’s phone rang while he was at the cafeteria, trying to eat alone as Mark was sick and Jackson didn’t want to go to classes today. He picked up his phone and could hear Jackson crying. He didn’t know why but he knew it was something serious and not just one of Jackson’s typical pranks. Jaebum was worried.

“Youngjae killed himself, Jaebum” Jackson managed to say through his endless tears.

Jaebum didn’t quite understand those few words that fell so easily from Jackson’s mouth. How can he joke about stuff like this? Why would Youngjae kill himself? Youngjae is not supposed to kill himself? He can’t do that to Jaebum. For the next few minutes Jaebum kept denying the sad reality that hit him so suddenly on a fine Thursday morning. ‘But he’s supposed to be in his psychology class.’ Jaebum kept repeating as if it would come true if he repeated it enough times. As if it would convince Youngjae into coming back from death after hearing Jaebum say those words.

‘Yugyeom, honey, Youngjae is dead. He killed himself’ Yugyeom’s mom told his son, who came from the audition with the brightest smile on his face with a positive answer from the agency company.

The innocent high school student, who was so happy about telling his adorable hyung about all the compliments he had heard from all the judges in the small auditorium, was confused. Why would a person with such a bright smile and a loud laugh all of a sudden kill himself? That seemed to be impossible in Yugyeom’s eyes. In his point of view, Youngjae didn’t have a reason to do something so horrible. He didn’t have a reason and he didn’t have the right. Why would he do something so selfish when he knew that Yugyeom’s audition was coming up soon? He wouldn’t dare. ‘But why would he?’ was the only thing on the seventeen-year-old’s innocent and naïve mind.

A collection of letters Youngjae left behind.

Letter #1, to Kim Yu Gyeom

“How are you doing Gyeomie? I hope you’re well. I’m doing okay, I suppose. I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up in heaven, so I’m just assuming everything is amazing there. I hope you’re not just dismissing everything that is going on around you and pushing everyone, who is trying to help you, away. I also hope you’re still practicing day and night. We need to pass that audition, remember? I’m keeping an eye on you from wherever the hell I am at the moment, so you better practice well and hard! I know what you’re thinking Gyeomie: what’s the point of practicing? The point is that you achieve your dreams. The point is that you won’t give up on your dreams just because I ed up and killed myself. Don’t let my death become another excuse for you to quit. Don’t quit. Keep working hard and restlessly for what you want. Okay?

Kim Yugyeom, I hope you know how much I love you. And I will bet everything that you will surely pass the audition and become the biggest idol there is.

-from your hyung and number one fan, Choi Young Jae”

Yugyeom broke down in tears reading Youngjae’s short letter.

“Hyung, I passed the audition. I passed the audition” Yugyeom mumbled, hugging the piece of paper with messy handwriting all over it close to his heart.

“I love you, hyung” Yugyeom said, still hugging Youngjae’s letter with fresh tears on his cheeks.

Letter #2, to Jackson Wang, Mark Tuan and Im Jae Bum

“Hey dudes! How are you? I’m doing really well. I’m hanging out with God himself at the moment and he’s such a nice dude! By the way, I apologize I didn’t write individual letters to you three but I was running out of paper and words. Plus you three are inseparable, so who am I to separate you with my stupid letter?

I hope you guys aren’t just making me and my death another excuse not to go to school. I hope you guys are attending every class and are listening to the professor, hanging to their every word, especially Mark hyung. Mark hyung, I hope you’re attending those Korean language courses!

 Study well guys! That one single college degree is going to decide your future so make sure you get that degree and then kick future’s .

Okay, time for individual messages: Jackson hyung, I hope you didn’t cry much after hearing the news.  Like I said before you’re super ugly when you cry, so you shouldn’t cry. I love you, hyung. Thank you for making me laugh until there were drops of tears on my face and I was short of breath. Moments spent with you were one of the most precious times of my short life. And also I’m sorry for hitting you whenever I laughed uncontrollably. Love you, hyung.

-From your brother, Choi Young Jae

Mark hyung! You are a great person with a cool personality. Although we were both super quiet and didn’t hang out much, I feel like I got along with you the most. You are so patient and cool. Just know what for some period of my life I wanted to be like you. Thank you for tolerating my weirdness. Love you hyung.

P.S. make sure to tell Coco I loved her although I didn’t exactly see her that often. Make sure to give a big kiss from me to that cute white ball of fur.

-From your admirer Choi Young Jae

And finally our Jaebumie hyung: Firstly, I’m sorry I died before I could give my answer to your confession. But I hope you know that I felt the same way. Secondly, I hope you didn’t suffer a lot after finding out the news. I wish I could go away without hurting the people I love but that’s sadly not how life works. Sorry again for causing you pain. I hope you’re smiling as you’re reading this; you look the prettiest when you smile, hyung. Also, hyung, try to change that cold and scary vibe you give out to people. People assume you’re a gang member because of your cold aura, even though you’re the softest and sweetest human being I’ve personally known. Sometimes I even wonder whether you’re a real human being or an angel that was sent by whoever’s in control of humans to rescue me. If that’s the case, then I want to apologize for making you fail your mission on earth. But either way, whether you’re a human being or an actual angel, I want to thank you. Thank you, Im Jae Bum for saving me for a small period of time. Thank you for taking my mind off everything for a while. Thank you for being my best friend and brother. Thank you for taking care of me when I needed it. Thank you for everything you did for me. I love you, Jaebum.

-From your best friend, cute donsaeng and partner in crime, Choi Young Jae

I love all three of you. And I wish every single one of you a really good life filled with laughter and giggles. Good bye!

-from Choi Young Jae”

Jaebum was the first one to read the letter. He wanted to kill himself for just letting Youngjae slip away like this. He hated himself more for not taking the hint and for not being able to save him.

“This idiot” Jaebum cursed.

“How does he expect me to be okay after reading his stupid letter” Jaebum hated Youngjae and he hated himself. And to think he could’ve saved Youngjae if he hadn’t left him just because he was embarrassed that goddamned night at the park.

“You should’ve said something rather than suffering alone like this” Jaebum wished he could somehow rewind back the time to hold Youngjae tightly and let him hear his loud heart beat that was solely caused by Youngjae’s presence near him. Jaebum wanted to magically bring Youngjae back and look at him in the eyes and tell him everything Jaebum loved about Youngjae including those small moles on his neck and back, Jaebum wanted to tell Youngjae about how much he wanted to kiss every single one of Youngjae’s moles while cuddling with him.

“Idiot” Jaebum whispered, quietly breaking down in his room, trying not to destroy everything in his sight.

Letter #3, to Min Yoongi/Suga

“Hyung, I’m sorry I’m meeting you through this letter. I know it hasn’t been that long since we reunited and I’m really sorry for that the last image of me you’ll ever see is me frowning at the airport. But this had to be done at some point and you know it. We both knew that at some point this was just ought to happen but we didn’t exactly know when. Hyung, I was a lost case that couldn’t be solved. Please don’t feel bad because as you’re reading this letter I’m somewhere dead, already starting to rot.

I remember the first time I tried doing something like this. I remember sitting exactly like this with my legs crossed on the floor, bleeding to death. I remember thinking ‘so this is what death must feel like’ while I was lying on the floor with my two wrists slit open. I also remember losing my consciousness little by little. Strangely enough the only thing or rather person I could think of while blood was pouring out of my body was you. You, my first ever best friend, hyung and crush, Min Yoongi was the only person on my mind as I was slowly passing away.

By the way I just got reminded of something. Do you still remember my castle wish? The castle we were both going to live in? The more I think about it, the weirder it seems and the more childish and stupid it seems. Why in the world did a 5 year old Youngjae wish for something so impossible? I guess, hyung, I think even then without even myself knowing about it, I had a crush on you. Maybe even at some point without realizing it, I actually fell for you. And I’d like to think that you liked me back also at some point of our insanely complicated friendship. By the way, I still want that castle. Not to live in it or anything (I mean I can’t ‘cause I’m dead) but just to see it and tell my 16 year old self who spent his birthday crying because his best friend couldn’t make it to his 16^th birthday ‘party’ that no, Yoongi is not a bad person and no, Yoongi didn’t forget about you and yes, Yoongi will someday buy that castle for him.

You know what I also would tell my 16 year old self? I would look him in the eyes and tell me loudly and clearly: “Youngjae-ah, things will turn out just fine. Be a little confident in yourself and things will be fine. Things may seem awful at times but if you just hang on for a little while, things will eventually be just fine. Also try new things. Don’t be afraid and just do it. You’re still young and it’s not the time to be scared of new things and new experiences. The only thing that should terrify you is how much fun it is going to be to reminisce ‘the old times’ when you’re 80 years old and on your death bed. So just close your eyes and let everything be.”

Hyung, I’m scared. I’ll admit it. I’m terrified of how things will turn out and what death is going to feel like. I’m petrified of how my dearest mom and dad are going to react to my death. I’m afraid Yugyeom is going to give up on his precious dream just because of my death. I’m truly scared of how my sister is going to have a hard time explaining to my little nephew and niece why I’m sleeping instead of going to school or playing with them.

But I think it’s time, hyung. No matter how much the aftermath of my death scares me, my will to die in order to achieve happiness is sadly greater than me will to stay in order to make others happy. I know, I’m one selfish er. But I want to be happy. Just once in my life, I want to genuinely happy with everything I have. And for some depressing reason only way to feel happy for me is to kill myself.

Hyung, please know that I love you. I always have. And maybe I always will.

I hope someday when you’re 70 and your grandchildren are asking you to tell a story you’re going to smile brightly and talk about how you once had this friend by the name Choi Young Jae. I hope you tell them about how we used to spend every day side by side. I hope you turn my sad reality into something inspirational and great. I hope you decide to show them this letter. And most of all, I hope you still love me as you’re telling your grandchildren my story.

Forever and always yours, Choi Young Jae”

Yoongi, now a 32 year old senior idol with 2 Grammys for 2 one of the most popular songs in the Kpop industry that he composed himself, read the letter of his donsaeng, best friend and one and only boyfriend who was supposed to be turning 29. Yoongi was standing in front of the large 3 story house that he had bought 10 years from now by Youngjae’s last wish from Yoongi.

Yoongi smiled, looking up from the paper to the large banner inside the practically empty house that read ‘Youngjae and Yoongi’s special castle’.

“I love you forevermore, Choi Young Jae”.