But forgiving…

… is a decision too - the decision that I would always choose over anything else.

But this time, this time.

I don’t think I can.

“Why?” I blurted. Still in denial of what is happening to us.

“It was an accident, Jessica. I swear. I was drunk and she was there-“

“Why?” I repeated myself when I can’t find the answer I am looking for within his frantic lines of regret, lies and excuses

He is crying hard. His hands are still holding me by my arms. He looked down for a second before looking back into my eyes.

“I don’t know.”

I hold his wrists and lightly throwing them away from me.

I am trying to hold back my sobs and choking. I refuse to crumble in front of someone who breaks me. I refuse to fall for someone who won’t catch me. I am stubborn. That’s how I survived. I wipe my tears and try my hardest to hold the rest of them in.

I take a deep breath.

And decide.

“We are over.”

I am looking straight into his eyes, not even flinching under his intense stare.

“You can stay for the night if you feel like it. But please take your stuff and leave by tomorrow.”

“What?” He raised his voice, looking oh so confused.

I just look at him quizzically.

“You- you-“

What’s with the stutter though?

“Don’t you love me, Jessica? What about us? Please give me another chance. I swear I’ll make everything better. I’ll do anything to get us back. And our baby-“

I slap his hand away as he tries to reach my belly.

“Mine.” I won’t let his dirty hand touch this baby. Not even a finger.

“That is my question to ask, Henry. Or you should ask that before you decide to sleep with another woman. I’ve known you for 15 years, Henry. You could hurt me before but you choose to hurt me now - almost one year into our marriage. Why?

You had your chance. 15 years of it. For you to do anything to make everything better, but you decided to destroy us.

I’m not enough for you.

So go and find someone who would be.”

I turn around, going to head back to my resting chair when I heard a remark coming from him.

“You never fight for us, Jessica.”

Oh, he’s turning this on me now? Oh why?

“Even years ago, when you pushed me away, I still come crawling back to you.

Now, I made one mistake and you don’t even hesitate when you decide to throw us away.

Do you even love me? Do you even need me in your life?”

I guess I did a great job holding back my tears.

I turn to face him again.

I am not sure whether I should reply to him or not. I never liked explaining myself to people. No matter how hurt I am or how angry I am, I would always decide to swallow it all in because what’s the use of explaining. What’s the use of wasting those breath and words to something you know is set and done.

The damage is done.

Whether the reasons are explained or not.

Hearts are broken. Bridges are burnt. Lessons are learnt.

But looking at him, I guess I need to say a word about this, right?

I sigh.

“I love you, Henry.

But if you love me, you should stop trying to change me. I am independent - I only need people who need me. I am not the type to crawl to anyone for anything. I won’t beg you to stay when you decide to leave.  I won’t stop you if you know what you want. I’m not your mom. I’m your partner.

You should also know that I am one lazy person who gets tired and gives up so damn easily. Even if I gave that chance to you, I would be too lazy to constantly keep track of how much you love me or if you still do. I am already so tired of all the things that I had to go through. Now, to think about how tired I will be, looking at you and being reminded on how you chose someone over me, and that I am not doing enough for you that you need someone else to replace me,

I won’t sign up for that trip. No. Thank you.

And if you love me enough, Henry,

I won’t have to tell you all this. When I have to explain myself to you, that means you don’t know me. And I only explain myself to people when I am going to bid them farewell.”

He looks at me with the gloomiest look I’ve ever seen. He regrets it, I know. But he cheated on the wrong person.

Slowly, he reversed his steps to the door and retreating himself away from the space we used to share.

“Just throw away everything. I don’t need them.” He said before he pulled the door shut.

Sigh.

I walk to our my couch, sit down, lift my legs up, close my eyes and let out another deep sigh.

I listen to the sound of his car speeding down the road.

As I open my eyes, it fell upon the picture of us together during our honeymoon trip in Maldives that is conveniently framed and placed on the table. Along with other pictures, like the one he took of me when I was stepping down into the clear blue Indian Ocean from our water chalet. Or the one I took of him when he fell asleep in my arms with his arms wrapped around me as if I’m the only person he needs. As if I am his shelter, his refuge.

“I guess I’m not,” I scoffed.

I giggle.

That giggle turns into a laugh.

I laughed everything out until I burst into tears.

It’s funny, right?

It’s so funny.

How people thought that it’s okay to play with your heart, thinking that it is unbreakable, thinking that it’s strong, but once it breaks in their hands, they decide to leave all the pieces scattered on the floor - blaming the heart for being too fragile.

‘It was an accident’.

Yeah, right. No .

Now who’s gonna take care of this mess?

Who’s gonna take care of this mess.

This mess.

Me.

“I am a mess.”

I want to hug my knees but I stop when I noticed that I can’t.

I rubbed my belly and watch my tears fall onto it.

“I’m sorry, little darling. Your mother is a mess. She is a selfish mess and she kicked your dad away.”

And after that, I just let my tears tell him everything while mumbling apologies in between my sobs.

“But soon you’ll know how beautiful she is…”

I paused when I heard the voice and I saw her figure from the corner of my eye.

“…even when she is crying.”

She is standing a little further than an arm away from me.

“No. Not you.” I don’t know why I say that though. I don’t want to look at her. “Not you again. Go away.”

She stepped closer to me.

“Go away. I don’t want you here.” I said when I see her getting closer.

She is standing right beside me.

“GO AWAY!” I scream with tears choking me, “I DON’T NEED CONSOLING. I CAN TAKE CARE OF MY-

-WH- WAIT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???”

She scooped me off the couch and into her arms.

“Hush. I’m carrying two people in my arms right now and I don’t hear a No from the other.”

I miss that voice.

I am fighting my urge to just snuggle against her chest and breathe in her scent.

The pride in me.

But I still grab on her shoulders as she walks to my bed.

Slowly, she lays me down on the bed.

As she is still bowing, I grabbed the pillow and start hitting her with it.

“GO AWAY! I. DON’T. WANT. YOU. HERE!”

To my surprise she managed to grab the pillow and stop my blows. For the first time after what seems to be forever, I look into her eyes.

She takes away the pillow from my hand.

“Save your strength.”

She sits beside me as if she can’t notice my wrath and tears that are still leaking from my eyes.

“I’m right here to stay.”

And here comes all the waterworks.

Here I am  crying. Again.

And she just sits right beside me – facing away, but her body turned towards me. There is a small gap between us but her skin never touches mine.

I hate that void between our skins. I hate it.

I hate everything.

“I hate you.”

She finally gives me short, light nods.

“I love you too.”

And just like that, someone decides to bring all the tears out.

I hit her. She willingly bears it.

And I hit her again. And again. And again.

But after the last hit, I let my hand stay on her arm, unconsciously grabbing onto her.

“Why…

Why don’t you go away?”

“Because you wanted me to stay.”

“Then why did you leave me years ago?”

“I was taken away.

You know I won’t leave.”

I love her.

I pull on her arm and scoot over.

“Come here.”

She raised her eyebrows.

“Cuddle me. Please?”

She looks hesitant.

“Never say No to a pregnant woman.”

She stares into the void for a while, contemplating before she did as said.

I lifted myself so she could slip her arm under my neck. She pulls me close and wraps me tight with the other arm.

I snuggle deeper into her.

Like I always did in my sweetest dreams.

Ah. Damn it. If only I’m not so pregnant.

Aish.

I never thought I would be able to smile after what just happened, but, miraculously, I am.

I take a deep breath, trying to figure everything out again.

“You told me that I’m going to be happy.” I blurted.

“I never said that.”

Eyebrows furrowed, I look up at her. She is looking back at me blankly.

“I asked you to BE happy.”

I sigh and retreat back into the comfort of her embrace.

“I don’t think I can.

Not without you.”

“You can,” she replied, “I know you can.”

“I can’t. Because life is not perfect.”

“Life isn’t and that’s why you can.”

Furrowing my eyebrows again, I look at her again.

I see her smiling at me, most probably laughing at my response.

I feel her fingers brushing my hair.

She traced my eyebrow with her finger, staring at me, never taking that beautiful smile of her face.

“Life is not perfect. That’s why I know you can be happy.

Because everything will end in Life. Nothing is perfectly bad – there will be good things happening later. No one is perfectly sad because the feelings will end. But you won’t be perfectly happy either because you can be angry or even sad all at the same time.

Because everything will end in Life, I know very well that you can be happy.”

She leans and pecks me on my forehead.

I close my eyes and savor the feel of her lips against my skin.

“But can’t I be happy with you?” I rest my head against her chest, holding on to her as if she is my dear life.

She hugs me close.

“In Heaven,”

I can feel her voice vibrating against my skin,

“there will be Love without Separation.

There, I will love you.

More than this.

More than ever.

Perfectly.”

I smile. Nothing could ever describe whatever I am feeling now, but it was Perfect even when I know it will end.

Suddenly I feel a kick from my belly and I guess she felt it too because she has a surprised look on her face. I laughed at her when she looked down at my belly.

She points at it and raised her eyebrows like the cutest thing ever.

I nodded as reply and giggled when she looks at it in awe.

I take her hand and put it on my belly just before he decides to kick again.

“OH!” she exclaimed.

Here I am giggling when I should be crying.

I like the way her lips curve into a smile. And how her eyes would smile too.

I watch closely as she rubs my belly ever so gently, like the being she is.

“She is going to be as beautiful as you.” She said.

“She? Doctors told me it’s going to be a he.”

She looks at me and shakes her head. “It’s a she.”

“Aaaah… Then I wish she would be as beautiful as you.”

She shakes her head. “Why would you wish that when you were, and still are, the most beautiful angel in Heaven?”

I pointed out her words, “Were?” but she missed my question as she is talking to my baby.

“Angels will sing for you, my dear.

You’ll be a kind lady.

You’ll be the love that would accompany your beautiful mother in Life.

Before I could do so in Heaven.”

She looks back at me and kisses my forehead. She is going to go but I quickly hold on to her.

“Please don’t go.

Sleep with me tonight.

Please?”

“But angels don’t sleep.”

“Then just stay until I do.”

I close my eyes tight, praying that she won’t go.

I grip onto her so tightly so that she won’t slip away.

But I loosen my grip when I felt her pulling me closer.

“Tonight.

I’ll be by your side.”

A long one but hopefully this is okay enough to fix your broken hearts. Sorry for the pain I put you guys through.

Comments! Please~~~~~

Love,

Hana :)