It wasn't a cold night, the stars were being obscured by the shining lights of Seoul and Youngjae didn't need to wrap a blanket around his small frame. His small balcony had never been in much use and he wondered why now but could not get to any sort of solution as he dropped his head into the palms of his hands. His mind had been messed up, he couldn't think straight any more and the thoughts building themselves up weren't about to stop screaming at him that No, you are not allowed to feel. No, you are not allowed to fall. It frustrated him, it tore at his heartstrings and messed with his sleeping schedule.

It had been what, maybe four days since Daehyun had visited him at his apartment. Youngjae hadn't thought much of it, really. Simply inviting his friend whom he had neglected because of some stupid, insignificant matter which turned out to have the biggest affect on him and it just wasn't anything to sweep aside.

Why did he even allow Daehyun to kiss him, without any consideration what he was thinking during the kiss because honestly, Youngjae wasn't sure if he had been thinking at all. And now he was there, on his run down balcony with his phone going off every now and then with messages of Daehyun. Youngjae didn't read them, he couldn't bring himself to because he wasn't sure what to think of Daehyun at the moment. He had been taught, in school and by society, that people like Daehyun should rather be avoided than befriended. And Youngjae had thought that his relationship with Daehyun had been completely neutral but of course, he had been so blinded, how silly. The longing glances Daehyun had stolen, the quick touches, the reassuring words how could Youngjae even think any of that was out of worry, out of friendship when the man in front of him had been all heart eyes and gentleness. Youngjae was so, so foolish, he had told himself that as long he wasn't involved with Daehyuns relationships everything would be fine, right? So what now, he would be ignorant to think he wasn't involved now, after Daehyun kissing him and disappearing right after it.

Daehyun probably regretted. How stupid of him to kiss someone like Youngjae, a boy believing everything had its place and time and a boy who had been believing society for way too long already, that maybe, he had lost his heart on his way out.

Youngjae felt as if he was about to rip his face off, only to look right back at it. He couldn't believe that being honest with himself was so ing hard, that he didn't know what he was feeling, no, what he was supposed to feel.

Shouldn't he be disgusted? Hating Daehyun for doing that to him, for leaving him alone with his thoughts whirring and droning out every other sound that even concentrating in class has started to become too difficult. Fortunately classes were about to end and Youngjae didn't have to worry about his grades dropping, not that he was thinking about them anyway as Daehyun had taken up most of his time now.

Youngjae didn't see him, but couldn't stop thinking about how Daehyun had embraced him, how he had smelled so familiar, how warm his body had been. Of course Youngjae had tried to repress the thoughts of Daehyuns chapped lips, molding perfectly with his own pair and it was tearing him apart how he was bringing his fingers up to his lips to try to get the feeling back.

He wanted to just forget that the kiss ever happened, to go out and meet up with Jaebum and laugh heartily at whatever joke Junhong had told. Everything had been so much easier back in the winter. When Youngjae had loathed Daehyuns guts and cheeky grin and just about everything else, when Daehyun wasn't more than that one bartender who helped him out after a night out gone wrong, even after finding out Daehyun was a friend of Junhongs oh so beloved Jongup.

How delirious one had to be to even think about Daehyun kissing Youngjae back in January, to think about Youngjae letting Daehyun kiss him.

Youngjae shook his head, breathing in and getting up from the cold tiles, sliding the glass door open and closing it silently. It was late, Youngjae took a quick look at his phone, seeing the various messages, some from Jaebum and Junhong, most of them from Daehyun. Youngjae let himself slide beneath his covers, placing his phone on the small bedside table, changing it to mute.

The sun shone through his old, tumbled-down curtains, hitting Youngjae rather unpleasant in the face and stirring him awake. He really, really, hated getting up in the mornings, his eyes were droopy for about an entire hour and sometimes he just didn't have the strength to open the bottle of orange juice, and when that happened Youngjae deemed it wasn't even worth it to go to his classes. It was Tuesday, he guessed, meaning his day was pretty much stacked with courses and Youngjae was definitely not up for meeting people he didn't even wanted to see or getting lectured by his professors. Therefor Youngjae supposed his day would be way better if he spent it at home, catching up on the sleep he had lost last night on the balcony and maybe going out to have some real breakfast for once, rather than eating some tasteless energy bar on his way to college.

But to think it would be that easy, well no. After waddling over to his bedroom once again and lying down on his bed, trying to squeeze in a few more hours of sleep Youngjae let out a frustrated cry when 20 minutes of tossing and turning didn't get him anywhere. His mind might have been shut off when he was sleeping, but the memories of Daehyun and Daehyun and Daehyun did not want to leave him alone and Youngjae, slowly but surely, felt himself turning crazy if he couldn't talk about the topic to anyone soon. The thoughts and feelings were all bundled up inside of him, crying agonizingly to be let out but Youngjae didn't trust himself.

Repeating the same words over and over, again and again, that No, Youngjae does not want to be such a person, he does not want to feel like that. He convinced himself that wanting to keep Daehyun in his life, after finding out the older ones feelings, was wrong. He can't keep in contact with him because it's wrong for Daehyun to like him, society says. And Youngjae has never really been one to go against others, always following rules and obeying everything said.

It was a pity, really. Having wasted his rebellious teenage years with studying and staying at home because he didn't want to do something risky, something out of his comfort zone. And of course it lead him to the simple, boring life he was living a the moment, it never bothered Youngjae but now, when looking back he felt his gut twisting in regret and a little whim of sadness overcame him. What would happen if he was to do anything unexpected, what would happen if he were to listen to his heart, hell even his mind was screaming at him that hey, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea, what can you lose?

But no, of course Youngjae couldn't give in to the illustrious pictures faking their existence, obscuring his eyes, leading him to see blurry. Youngjae was convinced that turning away from Daehyun would be the most logical, most reasonable thing to do, what could he lose?

Lying in bed turned out to be very unsettling, turning Youngjae into a restless mess so he decided that talking about his dilemma to someone he could trust would be best. And since thinking of calling Junhong didn't even come to Youngjaes mind, and not wanting to trouble oh so busy Mr. Bang, he dialed Jaebums number and waited, because well, this is real. And maybe facing it will turn out better than thought.

"Youngjae, what's up?"

"Hey, uhm, I was just kinda wondering if you'd have some time?" Youngjae asked, shakily tracing the pattern of his bed sheets with a single finger, picking at the soft fabric.

"Of course, did something happen, you sound pretty jittery." Jaebum always sounded so sincere, and Youngjae couldn't help but feel terrible about always ranting about every single ing problem he was having, yet Jaebum always, always listened to him.

"Like, okay, what if, and really, just what if some guy told a male friend of his he's gay, and, the friend didn't react all too well but apologized later on. And like, they had a hella great time, because they're friends, but what if, and really, just what if the guy kissed his friend and just left after that. What would you do?"

The other side of the line went silent, frightening Youngjae for the time of it, until he heard a rustling coming from Jaebum, telling him the older one hadn't hung up nor disappeared to who knows where.

"Okay. Okay, at first I thought you were going to come out to me but that's apparently not the case cause oh my god, were you, implying a friend of yours-"

"I said What if, i swear it's nothing, Jaebum."

"Right, you can kid yourself Youngjae, either way I try to give you some real advice or I can hang up and let you deal with this on your own." Jaebum spat, the ever so soothing voice turning agitated.

"No, don't hang up. Sorry, just, go on." Youngjae said, grip tightening on his bedsheet.

"Good, so, you were saying a friend of yours came out to you and- wait. Are you ing kidding me Yoo Youngjae, I'm coming over, don't you ing dare to lock the door or try to pull some other ." Before Youngjae could answer or even panic over the situation at hand, and his phone fell onto his mattress, not half an hour later when he heard the frantic ringing coming from his doorbell.

Getting up to open the door surely did seem like one of the most exhausting tasks Youngjae had done that morning. The boy stumbled back after turning the knob, as Jaebum pushed the door open with such force that left Youngjae standing alone in the entry.

"Jaebum, why are you so-"

"Just shut up for a moment Youngjae." Jaebum snapped, pacing up and down in the living room.

"But you-"

"SHUT UP." 

And Youngjae did, not a single sound escaped his lips, he knew Jaebum could get very scary in a short amount of time and Youngjae sure did not want to expedite the process of that. Jaebum stopped his irritating stride and sat down on the couch, Youngjae copying the same motion and his fingers found their way to the hem of his sweater, twiddling it between his fingers.

"Is it true?" Jaebums voice wasn't as strong as usual, but it harshly ripped through the silence of the room. Youngjae stayed quiet, his fingers still attacked to the hem of the pale, washed out piece of clothing, never leaving their nervous actions. Of course he knew what the older one was talking about, he should've known that Jaebum would easily catch up to the hint in between his words, as he hadn't been very careful with placing them. Youngjae didn't want to know when or how Jaebum realized, that maybe he had known for longer and just hadn't told him, that maybde he would do something so cruel, leaving Youngjae in the dark. But no, Jaebum would never do such a thing, right? He seemed to be angry about it, as if it had taken him by surprise. Yet it scared him, Jaebums reaction. He just simply knew and not just about Daehyun being gay, no, he knew abouot the kiss and it definitely wasn't a kiss out of friendship nor was it out of anything platonic.

Daehyuns soft, pillowy lips still lingered on the corners of his lips and Youngjae didn't want to forget the feeling. Not sure what has driven the other to do it, Youngjae wasn't mad as he should have been, no he was relieved. It eased something inside of him, something that has been cutting his blood circulation down since a cold winter day.

"I don't know what you're talking about." His voice came out as a whisper, clearly weaker than Jaebums and it just seemed so utterly pathetic in the moment.

"Youngjae don't lie, I already know it."

"It was nothing." The younger one lied, fear striking his system. He heard Jaebum huff, anger noticeable spreading all over the boys features.

"Yeah, nothing." He raised his voice. "He ing kissed you Youngjae." Jaebum turned his head, searching for Youngjaes avoiding eyes. "HE KISSED YOU!" Jaebum screamed, standing up his hands gripping onto Youngjae shoulders, nails scratching down until they dug into his palms. Youngjae shivered, head hung low, eyes cast downwards and a wave of guilt crashed against his skull. He didn't want to feel guilty. It wasn't something he should feel guilty about, but the fact, the pure fact that Youngjae still thought about it, thought about the kiss, thought about wanting to do it again- not even, but the thought that he wanted to feel Daehyuns soft lips on his own again was indeed, the young mans guilty pleasure.

"So, you planning on like, running into the sunset with him or some ?" Jaebum asked, his voice dripping with venom and it confused Youngjae to a point where he couldn't believe this was his high school friend Jaebum speaking, the one who never liked to make joked about others.

"No, Jaebum, what the I thought you were okay with this topic." Youngjae said in disbelieve, rubbing his shoulder, questioning how Jaebum could just hurt him like that. "And for your information, no, I did not plan to do such a thing. I wanted to ask you what the most gentle way of telling him to leave me alone would be. But thanks for your contribution."

"Sorry, I just. I can't imagine you like that. With him, I mean."

And after hearing that sentence, Youngjae felt even worse. He couldn't  stop thinking about the event taken place and Jaebum just simply spat out something like that, making Youngjae feel terribly disgusting about himself. He knew that wanting to kiss Daehyun again was wrong, it wasn't anything else and no other word was able to describe wanting to feel Daehyuns lips against his again than wrong.

Before leaving Jaebum told Youngjae to hit Daehyun up, tell him to leave you alone it's not like his heart's gonna get broken, he's known you for a few months. Needless to say that didn't help Youngjae much more than lying on his bed, threading his fingers through his hair. The things Jaebums had said had been cruel, rooting themselves into the depths of Youngjaes mind, that he couldn't imagine Youngjae being with Daehyun and the first thought coming to his mind was But I can yet he shook his head and agreed silently. If his mind wanted to play with him, he was able to shoot back. He was in control and able to decide for his own good and turning to the unknown would not turn out in his favor.

So yes, Youngjae did call Daehyun to agree on a meeting place, and for the situation to get even worse they both were fine define fine to meet up the following evening, meaning Youngjae had not a lot of time to actually prepare himself to lie to himself, have you ever tried lying to yourself?

Suddenly trust issues seemed to appeal to one himself and Youngjaes hands were shaking when he was opening his front door to leave. Skipping down the stairs, because lifts had never really been his thing, Youngjae held tight onto the railing, his sticky hand gliding down on the metal not as gracefully as planned but as predicted his plans that day didn't work out either way so what was a sweaty, shaking hand glued to the banister in the staircase of an apartment building somewhere in Seoul.

The air outside was warm, a little humid and had been for the past days yet Youngjae kept forgetting it was the end of May and summer was approaching. In his head it was somehow still January, not to sound selfish but it felt as if his birthday had been just yesterday. The feeling of a lingering touch on his lower back burning his skin, crawling beneath it and Youngjae found himself liking the feeling, finally knowing why it had been there and what the owner of the rough hand had intended to do. Maybe it had been some sort of game, Jaebum had said something similar, these boys were always out for something naughty, dirty, a plaything.

Pay attention!

Youngjae couldn't believe that so easily, Jaebum was a guy who liked to dig deeper into a person's personal life, data, information before giving out a doubtless statement about said person but now, earlier, it had seemed as if he hadn't really thought about the words leaving his parted lips, it was as if Jaebum had wanted Youngjae to get rid of Daehyun as fast as possible. Knowing there couldn't be any hidden agenda behind his best friends words Youngjae had let it slip, keeping track on what was important and what was not, that he was not allowed to let his heart ill-considered thoughts get ahead of himself and take control of him when he was sitting in Cafe Comma somewhere in Donggyo-Dong, honestly he hadn't really been in the area much.

When he arrived, Daehyun was already standing outside with his back against the glass walls and his eyes focusing and refocusing on the screen of his phone, he was biting his lips, more often than usual and Youngjae felt the terrible urge to bite on his fingernails despite knowing it was a horrible habit. What do you say to someone you want to tell to disappear out of your life although you actually didn't want to. It was the right thing to do.

"Daehyun." Youngjae called out, his voice was shaky and it sounded utterly weak but he had never been one to have strong vocal cords whilst speaking, a rather soft intonation had always placed its tracks on his tongue.

"Hi." Daehyun said, sliding his phone into his back pocket and retrieving his hands in front of his body. "We should go in, or did you not want to-"

"No, no that's fine." Youngjae struggled with his words, trying to find the right ones, the correct ones, the accepted ones. "I just wanted to talk to you, somewhere calm."

Daehyun nodded and opened the door, mistakenly​ holding it open for Youngjae to enter first and that fervid feeling returned, actually inside, his guts; yet again. Why, why, why. Youngjae had wanted to make this quick, to lessen the time he had to look at the older man, to lessen the pain he knew too well both of them would experience. Who wouldn't, it had been such a great friendship.

"Let's order first." Daehyun said, sitting down and Youngjae was grateful for he hadn't pulled a chair out for him, he thought how stupid, of course Daehyun wouldn't do that. Was there a hint of sadness?

"Sure."

Youngjae ordered green tea and Daehyun smiled charmingly at the waitress, taking the hot, steaming cup of black coffee out of the slender fingers adorned with a pretty set of rings. Daehyun was so gentle, with everyone around so of course Youngjae hadn't felt special when all Daehyun had been doing was showing the best possible side of himself in front of him. He had not felt special until Daehyun had kissed him, he wasn't stupid, he knew you don't just kiss people out of nowhere for the sake of it, Youngjae knew and he still was denying the fact that Daehyun liked him. How so, when all Youngjae did was go to college, complain about his miserable, boring life and show Daehyun pictures of ing birds. Who would've thought someone like Daehyun would end up falling for someone like Youngjae, as he had said, Daehyun was perfect, almost, rich, intelligent, handsome, charming. Youngjae couldn't have known his own words would turn their back on him, deceiving him and using him until everything turned into this twisted mess he just can't get out without getting harmed.

"Why didn't you tell me? Personally, I mean." Youngjae asked after minutes of pointlessly playing around with the cup in front of him. Maybe the Cafe hadn't been the best idea he had had, the conversation being too personal, too dear to be spoken about in the open of a public place. Yet the student wasn't able to turn back time, even if he wished to. Daehyun visibly swallowed, eyes blinking faster than usual with the thick, black lashes brushing against his cheeks. He seemed nervous,and it was strange because Daehyun had never been nervous around him and Youngjae wasn't really sure anymore how everything was adding up. Sure, he sorta knew, in the back of his mind but he couldn't bring himself to speak it out loud.

"It was- a lot easier that way." Daehyun choked out, gripping anything that was close to him and fingers curled into cotton. "Letting Himchan tell you that- he lifted a terribly heavy weight off of my shoulders."

"Maybe, but have you ever thought about how I might feel? How I felt finding out about every important matter regarding you and your family through someone else but you? I'm angry, Daehyun, I feel like you don't trust me at all."

"I do. Youngjae I do trust you but I didn't want to- I couldn't tell you. Do you have any idea how anxious I was, letting you know about it, you especially?"

Youngjae stayed silent, his fierce eyes softening and he let his head fall down, gaze tracing over his lap. "Why me especially." Youngjae wasn't stupid, he knew that when someone kissed you it was either way a joke or something you shouldn't ignore. And Youngjae really wasn't very keen on ignoring the subject.

"Haven't I made that clear? I honestly thought I couldn't have been more obvious, kissing you and-"

"Daehyun! Please, don't just, say it like that." Youngjae pleaded, his fingers wouldn't stop shaking and he was grateful for them to lay on his lap beneath the table.

"Why, did you think I would just ignore the fact that we kissed. I know it came a little unexpected from my side but don't you dare blame me on this whole thing." Daehyun breathed out, trying to catch Youngjaes eyes but he had known the younger boy for the right amount of time to know he was someone to avoid eye contact in an uncomfortable situation, just like this one. "Because you kissed me back. And you can say anything you want, I won't forget that and I won't let you forget that, Youngjae. Don't be so delusional."

"I am not delusional. Stop putting feelings above my own when you have no idea what I am feeling. You're not even considering that hey, Youngjae came out of a ty relationship with his long term girlfriend a few months ago, and don't look at me like that because Yes, I am playing that card. Maybe I did kiss you back, so what?"

"So what? Are you kidding me?"

"Don't you interrupt me, Jung Daehyun. Even if I kissed you back, it was in a moment where my thoughts probably had been all tangled up. Maybe I did kiss you back, have you ever thought that I maybe just wanted to feel some love, some attention again and you know what? You have been the one to give that to me." Youngjae said, his voice on the edge of cracking and letting the tears flow out of his system.

"So you are saying you used me? Wow, I would've never thought this coming from the guy who'd been visiting me nearly every day, on days we both had much more important to do. You must've really craved that attention. Or you're just really good at lying to yourself."

"I may am, or I just ing know what I want, and you know what that is?"

Someone had dropped a spoon somewhere, the tinkling unusually light.

"I don't want your attention. I don't want to keep in touch with you because what you feel towards me is not right. I don't like you behaving like that towards me."

"Right, sorry for misinterpreting." Daehyun got up, smashing some cash onto the small, wooden table and grabbing his phone from it. "I'll definitely leave you alone from now on." And with that Daehyun was walking out on him, disappearing into the crowd outside on the streets.

Youngjae might regretted the things he had said, some being an utter lie but he could not retreat them now.

Classes ended for the summer and Youngjae met up with Jaebum and Jinyoung once again, planning their get together with Jackson and whoever else.

Daehyun hadn't contacted him since that day, and Youngjae had been contemplating of deleting his number.

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i feel like this was a lot and i should actually sleep, also i used lots of this crap im sorry (i am not i like using those)

tell me what you thought guys^^ I love, love, love reading comments and they usually help a lot

see you next time  (i plan on updating on my birthday but that's already next week but maybe I can let a miracle happen)

this is unedited BUT I NEED TO SLEEP like now