Chapter 21: Rewind.

Youngjae and Jaebum needed to rewind their relationship. They needed to stop for a moment and take a look at all the problematic and unproblematic moments in their unstable relationship. Jaebum needed to rewind all the times he’s hurt Youngjae, all the times he has manipulated Youngjae into thinking that everything problem Youngjae and Jaebum had was Youngjae’s fault and not Jaebum’s, whether it was intentional or not. Youngjae needed to reply back all the times he didn’t stand up for himself just because ‘he didn’t want to hurt Jaebum’s feelings’, as it only encouraged Jaebum’s outrageous behavior and uncontrollable temper.

‘The break up’, as Youngjae titled it or ‘the big break that was going to end soon’ as Jaebum decided to call it was both of their fault. No one was innocent and perfect in their relationship; both Youngjae and Jaebum had flaws to take care of and personal issues to deal with. Anger management issues with a dash of symptoms of a ‘control freak’ for Jaebum and being too innocent and gullible along with a tablespoon of signs of a ‘true conformist’ for Youngjae.

Youngjae and Jaebum were currently at the two different sides of the huge capital of South Korea – Seoul. Youngjae was at some convenience store, looking at the distance, over thinking everything while his ramen noodles become softer and softer by the passing second. Youngjae perfectly understood that any of whatever was going on between him and Got7’s leader couldn’t last any longer. He also understood that Jaebum and Youngjae either had to break up for good or give their rebellious love act another chance. Youngjae also understood that everything depended on him and his decision. Youngjae took a deep breath, thinking of possible ways to disappear forever.

Jaebum was at a bus station, thinking of possibly going away for a while and visit his parents. Jaebum understood that he couldn’t do that as he was the leader of successful multi-national band, which gave him no permissions to just leave everything and to stop caring about everything. Jaebum had a bad headache, caused by the worry Youngjae is causing. Jaebum was truly scared of what Youngjae was going to decide and what would be the next step of their relationship. Jaebum was terrified of the fact that this, whatever this was, was going to end here. He was mortified of the fact that there could a chance that Youngjae wouldn’t forgive him and wouldn’t give him another chance. Jaebum took a deep breath, thinking of possible ways to disappear forever.

Youngjae started to think about his life before Jaebum, before he was cast the seventh and last member of Got7, before his phone rang on a random day informing him that he had been recruited as a JYPE trainee, before he stepped into the small auditorium for the biggest audition of his life. Youngjae remembered waking up every morning with a small glimmer of hope of becoming a grand singer one day that sells out thousand of huge arenas in seconds. He remembered waking up and sitting up in his bed for a while, encouraging himself and telling him that if he keeps working hard enough, someday he will be able to make his dream into a reality. Youngjae remembered going to his school and trying his best not to sleep in class just ‘cause he came home later than usual because of his extra vocal lesson he’d been taking for a while. Youngjae remembered getting scolded by his angry homeroom teacher for not being able to focus in class. Youngjae also remembered hurrying to his part time job he got in order to pay for his singing lessons. He clearly remembered his mother’s words as she found out about his part time job – “Jae, honey, I get that you’re passionate about this singing career you’re trying to pursue. But, honey, you should understand there are more failed singers in the world than there are successful ones. Mom and dad are just trying to prevent you from that sad result. So I think you should really focus on your studies instead of torturing yourself with these part time jobs of yours.” Youngjae also remembered his reply as if he had the discussion only the day before. “But mom, I will be successful, I promise. I get praised a lot by my vocal coach. She says I have a good voice. Mom, please let me continue my lesson. I will be sure to become ‘the next big thing’. Mom, I honestly think I can’t actually live without dedicating my life to singing.” Youngjae saw his mother’s sad and a bit disappointed face as he said those exact words while looking straight in her eyes. He remembered her tired and worn out face from over working. Youngjae felt really grateful for his parents trying to understand his devotion and love for music and singing. Although life as a the main vocalist of one of the hottest boy bands is mesmerizing, Youngjae’s days as a sophomore who worked day and night to fulfill his dreams were more amazing and exciting.

Youngjae sighed, reminiscing his days as a high school student filled with ambition and hope. Not that he was hopeless and ambition-less now, Youngjae still had a long way to go to become the best person/musician he has been dreaming to become ever since he was a baby. It was the small fact that the freshness, the spark of younger Choi Youngjae who woke up with a certain mind set of “I can and I will” had somehow disappeared.

The same thing, it seems, had happened with Youngjae’s relationship with Jaebum. Jaebum and Youngjae developed a really close relationship with each other right from the start. When it become pretty clear that Youngjae was definitely joining the band, Jaebum was the very first one to come up to him and congratulate him, telling him that he was just what Got7 had been lacking, that he was the 2% Got7 needed to capture millions of girls’ hearts. And then later at the dorm, when Youngjae was a bit lost, trying his best to fit in, when no one was picking him as their roommate, Jaebum softly grabbed him by his shoulders and took Youngjae into his arms, saying “I’ll room with Youngjae!” with the cheerful voice of his. Jaebum was always one of the few people to encourage and support Youngjae in any possible way right from the start. Jaebum was the one to hug Youngjae tightly and tell him he did well on the evaluation performance even though he messed up a couple of times. Jaebum was the one to hold Youngjae’s hands and wipe off his tears as he cried on the rooftop of the JYP building after being scolded by angry JYP.

But nowadays, this close relationship between the two main vocalists seems to be getting less and less close by day. The mutual love they had for each other seems to be disappearing little by little.

Youngjae sighed, thinking about Jaebum and about the possibility that Jaebum have actually fallen out of love with him. Youngjae didn’t want to think about any of it, but just couldn’t help it. Youngjae sighed once again, trying his best not to think.

Jaebum saw the passing by busses, he saw the people hurrying to get on the busses so that they wouldn’t miss the thing that would deliver to their loved ones and sweet homes.

Youngjae was truly a blessing to his life, as he had appeared around the time Jaebum was experiencing heavy anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns. The reason Jaebum had been so worried and nervous was because his debut in the infamous duo JJProject hadn’t been as successful as Jaebum imagined it to be. Because of slow and low album sales along with the small attention JJP was receiving from the public JYPE decided that Jaebum and Jinyoung should go on a hiatus to improve themselves. But everyone, including the two members of JJProject, knew that going on a hiatus basically meant it was the end for the band. Just like that Jaebum was back to being a normal trainee again.

So Jaebum was incredibly scared the same thing would happen with his new group that JYP was going to debut soon, he was terrified that the new band would eventually break up after a few songs and that he would become just a trainee all over again. But just as Jaebum was about to chicken out and just quit everything to go back to his university to have a ‘normal’ life, Youngjae came along and made everything okay.

Youngjae lowered Jaebum’s anxiety level with his angelic and positive presence. By befriending the new trainee, Jaebum’s low self esteem and self consciousness disappeared, making Jaebum confident in almost everything he did, whether it was performing a rap he wrote in under five minutes in front of all of the JYP trainees, or teaching his donsaengs the dance he made up himself the night before, or even singing the song he composed and wrote the lyrics for in front of JYP himself.

With Youngjae’s generous personality praising his dancing, rapping and singing skills every day, Jaebum was able to get over his worries about his second debut being unsuccessful. Jaebum was actually singing on the top of his lungs whenever he could after a few months Youngjae rolled in as a trainee.

Boy was he happy when the staff announced that Youngjae would be joining Jaebum, Jinyoung, Bambam, Jackson, Mark and Yugyeom to debut as a hip-hop group. Jaebum remembered jumping around in excitement shouting happily and hugging everyone he saw. He remembered running up to Youngjae as fast as he could to tell him the amazing news about him being Got7’s main vocalist. “Youngjae, Youngjae, Youngjae, I have some great news. Did you already hear it?” As Youngjae happily nodded, with tears on his eyes, Jaebum hugged him tightly, holding him for a long time, still not able to believe that what he had been praying for months finally came true.

Jaebum smiled, thinking about his trainee days, about his late night practices with Youngjae on his side, carefully watching his every move. “Hyung, do you think I’ll be able to do that someday?” – Youngjae would ask whenever Jaebum would bust out a dance move he had learnt from his professional bboy friends. “I’m sure if you try hard enough, you’ll be able to do anything.” Jaebum would smile at him which would cause Youngjae to giddily laugh and blush, which made Jaebum to come to him and just squish him.

Jaebum also remembered the day Got7 had their debut stage, he remembered holding Youngjae’s hand as he was too nervous and scared to be on his own. “Hyung, it’s going to be, they’re going to love you.” Youngjae’s calming voice told him as he was sitting too afraid to even stand up.

Youngjae had always been there for Jaebum to calm him down, to encourage him, to support him when no one else did. Youngjae was truly a blessing in Jaebum’s life.

Suddenly as Youngjae and Jaebum were sitting contemplating life, both of their phones rang. It was Jinyoung for Youngjae and Bambam for Jaebum. Both main vocalists irately picked up their phones, not having the will to talk to anyone at the moment.

“Hyung?” – Youngjae picked up the phone, not able to hide the annoyance in his tone as he answered the phone.

“Bam.” – Jaebum answered his phone, trying to get the phone call over with so that he could go back to depressing himself with his over speculations and theories about how Youngjae hated him and couldn’t stand him.

“Wait, what?” – a loud shout could be heard from both ends of Seoul as Jinyoung and Yugyeom told their two vocalists the same exact surprising and upsetting news.

“Yeah, Youngjae, you should hurry. Jaebum’s in the hospital and he keeps asking for you.” – Jinyoung lied to the very innocent member in order to get him to literally run to the special place Got7’s members had prepared for Youngjae and his lover.

“Yeah, hyung. Youngjae hyung is really in pain and he keeps asking for you. You should really hurry.”  -Bambam also managed to terrify the leader so that he would come to the destination as fast as humanly possible.

Youngjae quickly hung up the phone and started to run, trying to catch a taxi while doing so. Although Youngjae despised with all of his heart running, he still ran the said location like there was no tomorrow. Youngjae was out of breath, his legs were all wobbly and weird as he ran too much and too fast and his heart was beating about a million times per second. But all of that didn’t torture and worry Youngjae enough for him to stop to at least catch his breath for a second. He kept on running and running. He needed to be there for Jaebum.

Jaebum mumbled a quick “I’ll be there” and shortly left the bus station, running back to the center of the huge city, trying to see Youngjae, who was apparently in great pain. As Jaebum was quite athletic, he didn’t exactly have to stop or catch his breath. And frankly, he didn’t exactly care even if he had to actually stop to prevent himself from fainting. He needed to be with Youngjae as soon as possible and that was the only thing that actually mattered. He kept on running and running. He needed to be there for Youngjae.

“Hey what happ…” – Youngjae was the first one to arrive at the random date that was set up by Got7’s members who were worried about the small scratch in Jaebum and Youngjae’s relationship being able to affect the group’s atmosphere.

“What is this?” – Jaebum entered the small garden Got7 decorated for their power couple.

“We wanted you to make up. So we planned a small tactic to get both of you here in a short time.” – Mark explained.

“So we called both of you and told you that the other one was in agony because he injured himself while practicing the new dance choreography.” – Mark continued.

“What the actual , guys.” – Jaebum looked played and pissed off. He wasn’t even pissed off because of s played a practical and scary prank on him but because he had once again proven to everyone that Youngjae was his ‘Achilles heel’.

As for Youngjae, he felt betrayed and small. Betrayed because his friends, who perfectly understood that Jaebum’s presence would make Youngjae uncomfortable, had lied to him just so that ‘he would come to them as fast he can’; and small because of Jaebum’s sharp look and intense glare.

“Okay, enjoy the night.” – Jinyoung said and exited the fake garden, laughing along with Mark and Bambam.

“Hyung…” – Youngjae started to talk as Jaebum sat down on the chair that was covered with a super fancy looking cloth.

“Let’s eat first.” – Jaebum said, taking the provided fork and starting to cut his steak in half.

“Hyung, I… I’ve been thinking…” – Youngjae muttered, still not bothering to sit down, as Jaebum told him to.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” – Jaebum asked, chewing the deliciously prepared beef by Jinyoung’s request.

“No… I… I… I think we shouldn’t… get back together… I think we both need to be alone for a while to rethink everything.” – Youngjae finally was able to say what he’s been trying to say ever since he saw Jaebum’s face when entering the fake garden.

“The steak’s really tasty. It’s not chewy, it melts right when it entered your mouth just how you like it.” – Jaebum decided to ignore Youngjae’s confession, still chewing the meal that was prepared by one of the highest ranking chefs in Korea at the moment.

“Hyung, I hope things won’t get awkward between us just because of my decision to put our relationship on hold for a while.” – Youngjae continued, also ignoring Jaebum’s comments on the steak.

Jaebum stopped cutting his meat in small pieces and closed his eyes. Jaebum was trying his hardest not to cry and beg for one last chance on his knees from Youngjae. Life without Youngjae seemed to be impossible for Jaebum and he didn’t want to let go of him. But he had to, as Youngjae wanted some space to himself to reconsider his choices and possibly realize that Jaebum was a piece of and that he deserved better than Jaebum.

“Okay.” – Jaebum calmly replied, with his eyes still closed. A single tear rolled on his cheek as Youngjae quietly walked away, trying everything in his power not to look back.