Chapter 17: Tell me why.

Jaebum had been a bit too quiet these past few weeks. He's been a bit too reserved and shy. Even from Mark's perspective, who was Got7's most introverted member, Jaebum has been too dull. It was as if someone pressed his 'mute' button and forgot about it. Jaebum would just sit in his room alone all day and either listen to music or read books. Just in these few weeks, Jaebum have finished three huge books by foreign authors, Tolstoy's "War and Peace" being one of them. No matter how many times Youngjae along with Jackson, Bambam and Yugyeom tried to cheer him up, get him pumped and excited, he wouldn't react to any of their stupid and foolish actions. Jaebum would just continue to spend time all by himself, not interacting even with his most trusted friend - Jinyoung.

Youngjae didn't like this strange side of Jaebum. He hated it. He hated how numb and silent Jaebum had become, how Jaebum's gaze went from intense and lively to lifeless and emotionless. He also hates how Jaebum wouldn't talk or yell or do something no matter how much Youngjae tried to disturb and annoy him. Youngjae even at some point grabbed the book Jaebum was reading from his hands and threw it across the room. Jaebum didn't do anything about it, he just stared blankly at where his book was now laying. Youngjae on the other hand, he thought that throwing Jaebum's book would definitely make him angry and he would yell at Youngjae, was disappointed and screamed in anger.

"Hyung, what is wrong with you?!" - Youngjae yelled helplessly at his leader, who was now laying down on his bed, getting ready to sleep.

"Hyung!" - Youngjae screamed louder, but Jaebum wouldn't bulge. Desperate and angry, Youngjae left the room, making sure to slam the door on his way out. What was wrong with that weird hyung? Why does he always act like that when something is bothering rather than just talking about it like a normal person? Youngjae was already over Jaebum's stupid attitude and decided to just let him be and wait for him to figure his problem out by himself.

"I'm done!" - Youngjae muttered under his breath angrily while making his way to his new sleeping place - Got7's living room.

It was a Saturday morning when Jaebum woke Youngjae up really early and told him to get dressed up. Youngjae happily did as he was told. He was happy and excited because of two things: 1) Jaebum finally stopped being weird and stupid and 2) They were probably going to go on an another date. Youngjae couldn't wait to see what Jaebum had planned for the two of them this time. Maybe it would be another small coffee date or a date at the local amusement park. Whatever it was going to be, Youngjae knew he was going to love every second of it. Youngjae made sure to put on the ring Jaebum gave him and the blue coat he borrowed from him a few days ago.

Jaebum told Youngjae to quietly follow him. Youngjae followed his order, happily sprinting next to him like an excited child on a Christmas day. The two have been walking for a while, but Youngjae was just as energetic and fired up as before. If Youngjae speculated it correctly, it was going to a huge date somewhere new. Maybe this is why Jaebum has been acting strange lately: he was planning a grand surprise date for Youngjae the whole time. Just as Youngjae was busy imagining possible date ideas in his head, he didn't notice that Jaebum had stopped walking. Only after walking alone for a few minutes, Youngjae noticed that there was a big gap between them. He quickly ran back to where Jaebum has stopped, eager to start their date already.

"Hyung, where are we? What are we doing?" - Youngjae beamed. They were facing a big and really pretty river, while the sun was shining into their faces making them frown from the intense sunlight. Regardless of Youngjae's question, Jaebum just continued to stare at the river, not dropping a single word from his mouth. Youngjae waited patiently, assuming that some really deep words very going to come out Jaebum's mouth. Youngjae just stood next to Jaebum enjoying the breath taking view. He made a small mental note to take a picture with Jaebum after their date.

"Youngjae." - Jaebum finally said after about thirty minutes of silence. Youngjae, who was squatted on the ground and was picking flowers, stood up in delight.

"I think we should break up." - Jaebum pronounced. Youngjae at first didn't believe his ears. Why would Jaebum want to break up all of sudden when nothing is wrong and everything is going smoothly? But as time passed, Jaebum's words become louder and clearer in his head and Youngjae finally started to understand. He finally understood why Jaebum had been weird these weeks and what was he planning in that time. But why would he want to break up all of a sudden?

"Youngjae, did you hear me? I want to break up." - Jaebum said again, louder this time. Youngjae smiled looking down at his shoes, pain visible on his face. How could Jaebum say something so painful and hurtful easily just like that? Just like their relationship didn't mean anything to him, as if he never actually loved Youngjae.

"I heard you. Loudly and clearly. But can I ask why?" - Youngjae said, on the verge of tears. Jaebum sighed heavily. Only after a few minutes after his question, Youngjae was able to look at Jaebum, who was facing the sun and had both of his eyes closed.

"Why?" - Youngjae repeated, still looking at Jaebum.

"Because I'm not able to take it anymore, Youngjae." - Jaebum finally answered, turning his back to the sun.

"Unable to take what?" - Youngjae inquired. He needed to know what went wrong in their perfectly fine relationship. He needed to know what made Jaebum un-love him.

"How you always treat me like your brother and nothing else, nothing more. I love you, Youngjae. I'm being honest, I love you with all my heart but I can't be with someone who only views me as his hyung." - Jaebum reasoned, turning his eyes away from Youngjae. Youngjae didn't understand Jaebum's cheap reason for a break up.

"But I don't kiss my brothers. I don't tell them I love them every chance I get. I don't cuddle with them while I sleep. I don't go on dates with them. I don't think of my brothers' as the most gorgeous human beings to ever exist on Earth. I don't adore to their voices so much that I fall in love with it all over again every time I hear it. I don't think about them almost every second of the day. I don't worry about them every minute if I notice they're in distress. I don't waste my time to bake the tiest cake for their birthdays. I don't speak of them so highly in front of my friends and family." - Youngjae stated, trying to pronounce every word to make sure Jaebum understood his every word.

"Then why do I feel like I am nothing else but your brother?" - Jaebum spoke, holding back his tears. He had to break up with Youngjae right now, so that he won't hurt him any more in the future. Jaebum thought about it for a long time and finally had the courage to do it, but Youngjae was fighting back hard. Jaebum was trying his best not to breakdown in tears in front of Youngjae and just confess everything truthfully: that he was actually breaking up with him because od the nightmare he had a few weeks ago, that he didn't want to hurt Youngjae in the future, that he was actually trying to protect Youngjae by separating their lives.

"Hyung, there's another reason. I know it. I know you and you're not the type to ruin a relationship because of something so small and dumb." - Youngjae declared. looking straight into Jaebum's eyes. Jaebum's eyes were the most beautiful shade of brown, in Youngjae's opinion. He loved every bit of them. People might see them as black, but if you looked closely you'd be able to tell how pretty brown they actually were. Youngjae also loved how soft they turn whenever they see Youngjae. He loved how he could just feel how much Jaebum loved him from his captivating pair of eyes.

"You're right, there is. That reason is that I don't love you anymore, Youngjae. To be honest, I don't think I ever did. I think I just mistook our closeness with love. I don't love you." - Jaebum said, turning his gaze away from Youngjae once again. Something broke in billions of small pieces inside of Youngjae at the same time it did inside of Jaebum. This one small confession hurt both of them. Both were trying to control their emotions.

"So let's break up." - Jaebum repeated himself again, desperately wanting to end this process as soon as possible. Youngjae stood there for a while, trying to find words so that he could express his anger and annoyance towards Jaebum and his stupid reason. But no matter how much he thought, he couldn't find anything that would describe what he was feeling at the moment. Youngjae looked at Jaebum once again, who was currently standing with his eyes tightly shut waiting for Youngjae's response.

"Sure. Let's break up." - Youngjae replied. Something had just stabbed his heart several times as soon as he said that very sentence he had never imagined saying. Jaebum opened his eyes and looked at the ground. And finally after standing besides Youngjae for a while, he turned away from him and started to walk away. Youngjae just stood there and replayed their conversation in his head again. The longer he stood there, the smaller Jaebum's voice in his head became. He more he replayed the conversation, the angrier the became. Who was Jaebum to break up with Youngjae just like that? Wasn't Youngjae supposed to be the one to initiate the break up? What rights did Jaebum have that allowed him to break up with Youngjae? Who was Jaebum to judge their relationship? Who was Jaebum to make Youngjae feel like he was the bad guy?

"But I love you!" - Youngjae wanted to yell after Jaebum, who was walking away and wasn't even looking back once but had to stop himself. He also had to stop himself from grabbing a huge rock from the ground and throwing it at Jaebum. No matter how much he hated Jaebum at the moment, he couldn't hurt him.

"Ya Im Jae Bum! You selfish !" - Youngjae screamed but Jaebum was long ago gone. Youngjae continued to scream until his lungs gave out and his voice was hoarse from yelling too much. Youngjae started to cry as he was screaming. Who was Jaebum to break with Youngjae? Who was Jaebum to break up with Youngjae because of such a small and stupid reason?

"I could have changed! If you have told me, I would have changed!" - Youngjae yelled, unable to stop crying. Youngjae fell to ground, wretched. Everything seemed to be okay this morning. Who knew everything would take such turn? Youngjae screamed again, although his lungs hurt like hell. He needed to let all of this despair out of his system. But nonetheless how much he screamed, it wasn't enough. He still felt like the whole world was crushing down and there was no way to stop it. He felt like dying. He felt like just jumping into the vast river in front of him and drowning. He also felt like going after Jaebum and punching him. But he did neither. Youngjae just continued to stand there while tears were still running down his cheeks.

While Youngjae was busy throwing a tantrum, Jaebum was busy running. Just aimlessly running to wherever his legs took him. Jaebum couldn't stop running even though his legs hurt and were ready to break in half. Jaebum felt like if he stopped even for a moment, just to catch his breath, he would start crying and wouldn't be able to stop unless he died. So he just kept on running and running.

Although Jaebum himself broke up Youngjae, he felt like dying. He felt like he was actually going to die. His heart hurt too much that it was too hard to handle. He felt like running back to Youngjae and begging him to start everything all over again but he knew very well that he couldn't. Jaebum felt like he was being suffocated, he found it too hard to breathe. He stopped from running for a while. But even when he was standing it was too hard to breathe. He wanted to scream. He needed to scream and let everything out or he was going to die. Why does he have to so stupid? Why can't he just control his stupid temper? Why does he have to hurt Youngjae? Why does he have to ruin a relationship that was too good to be true? Why? Why does Youngjae have to be his first love? Why not anyone else?

Jaebum broke down in tears as he remembered Youngjae's face. He remembered his poor full of denial and sadness as Jaebum left him. How much it must have hurt when poor Youngjae heard Jaebum's unfair reason for a break up? How let down must he feel after Jaebum's meaningless words? Jaebum turned around and ran back to Youngjae only to stop in the middle of the road that led him back to Youngjae. He couldn't do this to Youngjae. Jaebum had to let Youngjae go and live a happy life. If Youngjae continues to be with Jaebum he was probably going to get hurt by him sooner or later. Maybe even a few thousand times. So it's just better to end everything now and let Youngjae live his own life without depending on Jaebum. Jaebum knew that Youngjae could live without him just fine. Youngjae would cry for a few days maybe but gradually he'd be fine. He would then probably meet someone much better than Jaebum and live a life filled with laughter and happiness. And that person would probably make Youngjae happy and show him the purpose of life, something Jaebum could never do. Jaebum hoped Youngjae's future partner realized how enchanting Youngjae's voice was, how his eyes were didn't stop glowing even when Youngjae was really tired, how many types of laughs Youngjae had and how they all were different from each other depending on what Youngjae was laughing at. Jaebum hoped that Youngjae's partner saw Youngjae's beauty in everything he did; he hoped that he or she saw Youngjae's jaw dropping musical talent, whether it'd be piano playing skills or his ability to match pitch perfectly under a second. Jaebum hoped that whoever was lucky enough to capture Youngjae's tender heart loved Youngjae with everything she or he had just like Jaebum did. He hoped that Youngjae loved them as well.

Jaebum cried and cried with no end. He pitied Youngjae. He pitied himself. He pitied their poor relationship that couldn't even last a year.

"Youngjae! I'm sorry!" - Jaebum yelled, in hopes that maybe Youngjae would be somewhere close to him and would be listening to him.

"I love you, Choi Young Jae. I really love you." - Jaebum uttered under his breath, while still crying his heart out.

"I love you Im Jae Bum! I love you so much!" - Youngjae yelled on the other side of the city, his cheeks wet and cold from his endless stream of tears.