Wolves or Wizards?

 

Title (4/5)
 

I’ve never seen this particular title before. Although it is relevant to the story, it’s not particularly interesting or memorable. It also includes a little too much information--the idea that this story is going to be about wolves and wizards--that is already mentioned in your foreword. I would suggest, if possible, coming up with a more creative title.

 

Foreword (4/5)

 

The description is the first thing that potential readers will see about your story, so it’s important that you use that space to capture the reader’s attention. While your description gives an accurate idea of what your story will be about, it’s not very well connected. It mentions that the wolves and wizards will be fighting against each other and you do mention that the wolves will be a threat to the wizards. However, the second part of that sentence--“unite them into a more powerful whole”--doesn’t seem to be a threat. I’d suggest including what the sorcerers’ advantage over the wolves, or at least saying why they’re fighting against each other. You also include some irrelevant information, such as “12 single men.” For one, it wouldn’t be accurate to refer to them as men, and the fact that they’re single doesn’t seem to fit into the rest of the description. There are also a few grammatical errors, but I’ll discuss that in the next section.

 

I like the bolded part of your foreword, but I’d suggest leaving out the excerpts. There simply isn’t enough context to make the sentences interesting. If anything, it’s confusing and unnecessary.

 

Grammar/Spelling (17/20)

 

Overall, your English is fluent and understandable, but there are a few grammatical errors that I’m going to point out.

 

-Parallel structure: While this isn’t technically a grammatical rule, it makes your sentences smoother. For example:

 

    One wolf bite could be fatal, or maybe it will unite them into a more powerful whole. (Foreword)

If you rewrote this using parallel structure, it would be:

    One wolf bite could be fatal, or it could unite them into a more powerful whole.

 

Once again, this isn’t necessary, but it can be a powerful tool.

 

-Punctuating dialogue: I’ve noticed that you put a period instead of a comma after quotations that are followed by a speaker tag. This is a very common mistake on many online writing websites and I don’t know where it comes from, but it’s incorrect. Instead of:

    

    “You don’t have to pop up so close.” Kris scolded him, trying his hardest not to smile, still amused by the childishness of their maknae. (Chapter 1)

It should be:

    “You don’t have to pop up so close,” Kris scolded him, trying his hardest not to smile, still amused by the childishness of their maknae.

 

Continuing on dialogue, be careful that, whenever the speaker changes, you begin a new paragraph. I only see this mistake a few times throughout your entire story, so it’s probably just a careless mistake, but it is something to be careful of. For example:

 

    “What’s up, hyung?” Kai appeared directly in front of him surprising the older boy.  “Good God Kai! Don’t scare me like that.” Kris uttered in frustration as he stepped back from the boy. (Chapter 1)

It should be:

“What’s up, hyung?” Kai appeared directly in front of him, surprising the older boy.

“Good God Kai! Don’t scare me like that,” Kris uttered in frustration as he stepped back from the boy. (Chapter 1)

 

Please Subscribe to read the full chapter