Chapter 12

December 10th, 2015

The days are a blur now; she has completely lost track of time. Her whole body hurts, and asking for water, although only saying one word, feels like thousands of knives stabbing . is so dry, her voice has become a raspy and ugly noise. A melody ripped into pieces and grinded together with metal.

How the hell did I get to this point?

Exasperation?

Determination?

I don’t even know anymore.

“I’m lost.” Taeyeon rasps before passing her damp tongue over the too dry and cracking skin of her lips. Her whole soul is burning. Burning up in anguish and greed. Greed to be loved by Jessica Jung, the hard-to-understand princess of ice.

Find me.

Somehow, one single note had managed to get her heads over heels obsessed with the prospect of being close to Jessica again. Like the old days. Somehow, that note had made her stop eating and drinking. Without Yoona or Yuri, she would’ve probably been dead. So much for trying to earn forgiveness.

But it had seemed too good to be true.

Jessica who hated her, asking Yoona about Taeyeon? Taeyeon? Out of all the people, Taeyeon?

She’s so unpredictable. A massacre going on inside her but no one outside knows. Maybe, Taeyeon used to know. Used to be able to open the introverted girl and expose her in a friendly way. A charming and friendly way. She used to be so in love with her leader, getting smug whenever she’s near to Taeyeon and Tiffany is not. She thought that once she left and amend her mind and heart to hate her, everything would be okay. That she could forget and live on.

Wrong.

Every hour is full of the torturing screams of Taeyeon saying how sorry she is. How much she regrets abandoning their bond, letting Fate just cut them in half. She knows Fate cannot be fought, be tempered. It’s impossible. But Taeyeon. Poor Taeyeon.

Do you love me?

Is ‘us’ nothing?

Taeyeon exhales and turns to her other side, pulling the blanket closer, her feet and arms still cold and uncomfortable. Her neck aches, and she buries her face deeper into her pillow, wishing that the world can just go away. Leave her alone.

“So Nyeo Shi Dae!” a horde of people chanting rings in her ears. She sits up in surprise, frantically looking around the room for the source of the sound. Her eyes finally settle on the door to the living room. She wonders what in the world the kids are doing and letting her slightly trembling legs take her outside.

“What–”

Taeyeon stares at the sight before her. Yoona curled up in a ball, her body racking as she sobs. Her gaze shifts to the nearly-busted television. A video of Girls’ Generation getting a triple crown and the SONEs cheering on. Hundreds and hundreds of SONEs.

Her eyes mist up, recalling the time when she had jumped around on the stage, squealing in delight and thanking all her fans. She recalled the way Girls’ Generation used to be a real family. A real and perfect family. It had seemed too good to be true.

She could never have imagined that the family, her family, would eventually become just heaps of ashes, never to be set on fire again. Never together, anymore. She had always thought that Girls’ Generation would always be together, nine different hearts and people, as one.

“Yoona.” she whispers, guilt in her voice. Guilt for making them like this, a lingering group of useless people who do nothing for life, who probably have no life.

Yoona whimpers, turning around slightly to face the leader. Her hair is sticking to her face, sweat gluing it onto her skin. It tears a painful whole in Taeyeon’s heart.

She laughs bitterly and points at the television screen. “Unnie, y-you remember this?”

“Yeah,” comes the small reply. “I remember.”

“It’s been so long, right?”

Yoona.

“Remember the trophy?”

Yoona, please.

“Remember the cheers?”

Yoona, stop.

“The way we all gathered up and said,”

Yoona, please.

“‘Jigeumeun, So Nyeo Shi Dae!’”

“Yoona, stop.” Taeyeon yells, but she isn’t angry. “Stop trying to remind me that we used to be the best girl group out there.”

She stares at the crippled girl. “I remember, okay?”

“I’m so sorry.” Yoona burst out, tears exploding from her eyes and onto the cold tile floor. “I’m so so sorry.”

Instinctively, Taeyeon rushes to her side and embraces her, trying to calm the girl who feels as if everything bad that had happened to their group was her fault.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. Shh…”

But,

Is it really okay?

“P-please fix it, unnie.” Yoona wails