Han Tae-sun was having a bad day.  It started badly with that incident and then he could not get it out of his head no matter how much he tried.  What annoyed him more was that he was more concerned with how Kim Dong-hyub was dealing with it.  He knew he did the right thing by stopping.  Kim Dong-hyub said he wanted a relationship.  He was not into casual .  It would be his first time with a guy.  There was no way, Han Tae-sun wanted that responsibility.  ‘I am an but not that kind.’

It is something Kim Dong-hyub would have regretted immediately once the passion was done and over with.  Han Tae-sun did not want to become someone’s regret.  Especially Kim Dong-hyub’s. 

Despite telling himself not to care, Han Tae-sun had started caring a little bit, mostly as someone who knew Kim Dong-hyub’s secret.  Coming out was a serious matter.  It changed your world view.  You questioned everything.  You felt alone.  It took a long time to accept yourself.  If you don’t have a supporting environment around you, it got really hard.  You had to tell yourself you would survive this.  It will get better. There was no one like that for him when he had come out.  Except Lee Pil-suk.  He had no idea what he would have done without her.   He was not sure if Kim Dong-hyub had anyone like that.  Han Tae-sun knew, Kim Dong-hyub needed someone to talk to and right now it looked like Han Tae-sun was the only one he had told.  His attempt at introducing him to more people had not turn out well.  Han Tae-sun wanted to help him but he was not really sure how to it without himself getting involved. 

He moved his hands over his hair exasperated with himself.  ‘How did I get here?  How did I get involved in someone else’s life?  Why is he not telling his best friend Colin?’

His cell phone told him he had a message.  It was Kim Dong-hyub.

“I don’t have the guts to talk.  I want to apologize.  So, here is the gutless apology”

Han Tae-sun put himself in Kim Dong-hyub’s shoes.  Everything reminded him of his early days.  How difficult it was.  He felt he needed to tell Kim Dong-hyub it was okay.  He could not let him feel miserable about what had happened naturally.  It was not that he had not helped him get there.  He had happily returned the kiss to someone who was entirely new to his experiences.  So, he called.

“Hi, your apology accepted.  Let’s talk.  Where are you?”

“Between classes.  I am really sorry.”  He voice was full with regret. 

“Don’t worry about it.  Men can’t resist me”.  Han Tae-sun said as he tried to lighten the mood.

“When I first saw you, you looked so lonely and alone that I wanted to take care of you.  I feel tables have turned.”  That slipped out from Kim Dong-hyub and he fell silent thinking he had said too much.

Han Tae-sun could not think of a comeback.  His heart started feeling the warmth that he had not felt for a very long time.  His knees felt week.  No had said something like that to him.  He knew Kim Dong-hyub was waiting for him to say something but Han Tae-sun felt speechless.

Kim Dong-hyub again, “I am sorry.  I think I may be making things worse.  I need..”

Han Tae-sun cut him off.  He could not show his emotion to Kim Dong-hyub.  “Cut the sorry’s.  We are not girls.  I heard you the first time.  When are you getting free?”

“Another 3 classes.  Around 5 I think.”

“Okay, I will make myself free around that time.  Text me when you get free” Han Tae-sun said.

“Okay”

“Listen Kim Dong-hyub, It may look like I am lonely and alone.  It is a life’s choice and deliberate.  I have gotten used to it.  Don’t really need saving.  But thank you for saying that.  Now I need to go and puke as I don’t think I have spoken like this to anyone in a while and it is giving me stomach ache.  Bye.”

Han Tae-sun cut off the call, thinking he may just have to puke.  His stomach was not feeling right.  ‘I was doing so well.’  He shook his head with regret.

Kim Dong-hyub laughed.  Since the day he came out, this must have been the first day he laughed heartily.  He felt lighter and started looking forward to the end of the day. 

Han Tae-sun was also feeling better.  His mood improved drastically after that chat.  He even smiled at someone who just looked shocked.  ‘Yep, I spread a lot of sunshine baby’ he thought to himself.

.....

Kim Dong-hyub got a text from Colin during class.  “Hey jackass, how come we have not been hanging out as much?”

He had set up an automated reply that sent out “In class” message to any texts received. 

While walking to his next class, he called Colin.  “I have been busy with some personal stuff lately.  How have you been?”

“Fantastic! Do you want to get a beer later?”

“Not today.  I have somewhere to go.  We can catch up tomorrow at school.”

“All okay?” Colin sounded a little concerned.

Kim Dong-hyub has been avoiding Colin mostly because he felt guilty for not being ready to talk to him yet.  May be time had come to be honest. 

“All good.  But I have to talk to you about something.  So, let’s definitely get together tomorrow yeah?”

“Now you are making me curious” Colin said.

“You will not be disappointed” Kim Dong-hyub said knowing fully well what a shock it would be for Colin.  He will keep his fingers crossed for it to go well.  If it does not, he will survive. 

“Oooooo..  Someone’s got a girlfriend” Colin sounded excited.

“It is definitely not that.” Kim Dong-hyub promised. 

“I gotta get in the classroom.  So, talk to you tomorrow.”  Kim Dong-hyub turned off the phone.

He would have to be mentally ready to lose a friend.  Based on the hints Han Tae-sun had dropped, he had lost friends and had gone through bad times.  In a way, Kim Dong-hyub was glad he had learnt this about himself when he was fully adult, mature and could deal with whatever came at him.  He could not imagine someone going thru this when they were young, especially teenagers.  That made him think about Han Tae-sun again and made his heart ache for that lonely boy.   

He tried to shake away the thought.  It did not go away. 

....

Then it was close to 5 already.  He texted Han Tae-sun that he was now available.  Already feeling the butterflies.  He knew another rejection was coming.  He was all ready for it.  It was still good to meet him.  Sometimes, persistence paid off.  If it really annoyed Han Tae-sun, he would show.  So, far, it did not appear that he was turned off.  Almost all the contacts after he got rejected the first time were initiated by Han Tae-sun.  May be he cared enough to hang out. 

Han Tae-sun asked him to meet him directly at a café they both knew.  Models hung out there and it would be easy to have a conversation.

When Kim Dong-hyub reached up, Han Tae-sun was already waiting.  He was actually chatting with more model types.  One of them was a girl.  When he saw Kim Dong-hyub, he waved at him.  Said something to the people he was chatting with and they went away.   As usual, Kim Dong-hyub heart flipped.  He felt cheerful immediately.

Kim Dong-hyub had noticed two different personalities of Han Tae-sun.  When he was talking to the people he knew, he did not look prickly.  He was blunt as usual but did not look prickly.  When he was alone, he sent out clear vibes ‘Don’t you talk to me’.  It also appeared like people who knew him, ignored that vibe completely.  As if they all knew it was for strangers and not for them. 

Kim Dong-hyub realized also that the prickly vibe just amused him too much.  There was fun in wondering what rude thing he was going to say next.  Kim Dong-hyub had felt just a bit charmed and right on day one had decided he would ignore that vibe and press on.  And here they were. 

Kim Dong-hyub pulled a chair and sat across Han Tae-sun. 

“You better get something so we are not interrupted”.  Han Tae-sun waved at the waiter and looked enquiring at Kim Dong-hyub.  Kim Dong-hyub told him first thing that came to his mind.  Waiter went away.

“I want to talk to you about what happened.  Don’t say sorry.  That is not what this is about” Han Tae-sun said.

Kim Dong-hyub swallowed the apology that was already forming.  He could not really read any expression on Han Tae-sun’s face.  He looked bland.  No specific emotion.  It was frustrating to Kim Dong-hyub. 

“But I don’t want to get interrupted.  So, let’s wait till they get your order” He continued.

Kim Dong-hyub was trying to search for topics he could talk about in the meantime. But Han Tae-sun asked “Have you told your friend yet?”

Kim Dong-hyub knew he was referring to Colin.  “Not yet but I am planning to tell him tomorrow”

“Be ready for anything.” He then started counting his fingers. “There is disgust, fear, sudden movement away from you as if you have cooties, mmmm let’s see what else” .  He seemed to be reliving his young coming out days.  He made it sound as if he was amused but Kim Dong-hyub knew he was anything but amused.  Han Tae-sun was still counting.  “Always surprised.  Sometimes an expression that says I always knew”. 

He continued.  “They tend to avoid you after that.  I don’t know your friend Colin but hopefully you don’t run in same circles.  If you do, then it might get worse.”

Kim Dong-hyub asked him to stop.  “I am not a naïve teenager.  Don’t worry about me.  I will deal”.

“I am just preparing you as your mentor”.  ‘I don’t want you getting hurt’ that he did not say. 

“Yah, just because I told you first, does not make you my mentor.  I don’t want you to think you have some responsibility here” Kim Dong-hyub told him.  And then it suddenly dawned on him that was exactly what this is. 

This was Han Tae-sun taking responsibility.  Han Tae-sun was not hanging out with him because he liked his company or trying to be a friend.  That hit him right in the gut. 

“Ah, that is what this is” he said. 

Now he understood why Han Tae-sun invited him out with his friends and why he stopped him today.  And why he wanted to meet him now.  Han Tae-sun felt responsible and that is all this was.  There was nothing else.  While it was nice of him, it hurt him more than all the rejections he had from Han Tae-sun.  He needed to leave. 

This had started all wrong for them.  Telling Han Tae-sun about his confusion was the wrong way to start.  He should have seen this coming.  He did not think this through.  ‘I need to get myself together’ he told himself. 

“Listen, I just remembered I had to finish something.  So, I am going to go.”.  He put some money on the table for his share of the bill.  Did not wait for the reply and left. 

Han Tae-sun watched Kim Dong-hyub going through series of emotions after he said jokingly that he is Kim Dong-hyub’s mentor.  Han Tae-sun expected a laugh and a smartass comeback.  It started that way and suddenly Kim Dong-hyub looked stricken.  Han Tae-sun was puzzled.  And then he heard “Ah, that is what this is” and then Kim Dong-hyub was in a hurry to leave.  Clearly something was wrong.  Han Tae-sun continued sitting while trying to figure out what the hell just happened. 

‘Why am I feeling I did something wrong?’  He wanted to kick at something.  ‘This is why I should not give a ”

Han Tae-sun finally left the cafe.  He felt like .  He did not understand why he was feeling like .  So, he called his friend.  He was not available.  So, he called the other.  He was not available either.  ‘!’  Han Tae-sun decided to go to a gay bar. 

He had always got the looks.  Being tall, thin with red hair always got attention.  He was used to them by now.  He surveyed to find out if there was anything he liked.  He went to the bar and ordered a drink.  He knew from his past experience that it was never a good idea to get drunk in a gay bar.  It was easy to make mistakes especially when you felt ty.  So, he nursed his drink slowly all the while looking.  Many tried having a conversation, no one looked appealing and he simply ignored them.  The bartender approached him and said someone wanted to buy him a drink.  He looked.  Guy was not bad but did nothing to him.  ‘Why the am I not interested?”.  He was restless.  So, he left the bar.  Walked aimlessly for while.  Finally made up his mind.

….

Kim Dong-hyub needed to stop feeling like .  He did not want to get drunk again like last night.  He needed to really think this through. 

So, he went to the nearest park and just sat on a bench.   When Han Tae-sun said he was his mentor, Kim Dong-hyub had wondered why it hurt as much as it did. 

He was falling in love with Han Tae-sun.  It was not just physical attraction.  He was falling in love with someone who simply did not want a relationship. 

But by confessing to him while coming out, he had ruined everything.  All Han Tae-sun felt was responsibility.  That was not a place where he could start any relationship. 

When he felt Han Tae-sun was rejecting him because he simply did not want to get into a relationship, Kim Dong-hyub thought he could be persistent and bring down that wall.  He just had to be patient and persistent.  He had both these qualities in spades.  But it was different now. 

Han Tae-sun did not want a relationship but he did not want Kim Dong-hyub to go through what he had gone through when he came out.  So, he was helping him in his own way. 

How could he start with pity?

Kim Dong-hyub moved his hands through his hair.  Han Tae-sun had ing ruined his life. 

He sat there on that bench for a long time.  Grown men don’t cry.

....

Then a text.  “I need to know what happened”.  That was Han Tae-sun.

Kim Dong-hyub sighed.  There was too much tension.  Honesty was the best policy.  So, he sent series of texts.

“I do not want you to take responsibility for me.  I do not want your pity.  That cannot be the reason you hang out with me”

“I am an adult.  I can take care of myself.”

“So, call me when you do not feel responsible anymore.  If I am available, I will come”

“Till then, Thank you for being concerned.  Good Bye”.  The last one he simply hammered on the phone.

…...