Kim Dong-Hyub missed Han Tae-sun the moment he left.  He texted when there was still a signal “Already miss you”.

He received the text back immediately “Me too”

Kim Dong-Hyub “Very nervous”

Han Tae-sun “You will be fine no matter what.  Just call”

Han Tae-sun again “I will travel there if needed”

Kim Dong-Hyub felt better.  No matter what, there was Han Tae-sun.

“Ok”

Han Tae-sun “I love you”

It was still rare for Han Tae-sun to say that though he had said it enough times when he first said it.  But it was still not easy for him.  Kim Dong-Hyub could say that easily.  Kim Dong-Hyub felt immensely better.  He valued every declaration from Han Tae-sun.

Kim Dong-Hyub “My angst makes you say that every time”

Han Tae-sun “Don’t like your angst”

Kim Dong-Hyub shuddered with feeling.  “I love you”

……

Kim Dong-Hyub took a deep breath.  He needed to be ready for anything.  He was not going to beg for anything.   Just that thought made the whole thing unreal in his head.  That he would even think this way.

His parents doted on him.  He was considered the baby and treated that way.  They indulged him with everything.  That is why he had not become independent early enough.  His brother was already married and had his own successful business going.  He was also married rich.  His parents did not have to worry about his brother.  So, they were happy to take care of their baby.  Everything had come easy in his life. 

His relationship with his older brother was one of family.  They spoke a few times over the phone and met up during family functions.  If he needed something, he knew he could count on him.  But he was his younger brother with over eight year’s difference between them.  So, it was not a friendship.  They were not close.  His parents doted on him enough that he did not look out for his brother’s approval or help. 

Kim Dong-Hyub had always been a very cheerful person and was always popular.  He now knew it was because of all the comfort he had around him.  The fact that his parents were rich enough and he was sent to right private schools did not escape him now.  He had taken his life from granted.  He had never got bullied, did not know what it meant.  He did not have to worry about anything in his life. 

Till now.

Why was it that he never knew he was gay was something beyond his own understanding.  He just felt that he had ignored or suppressed any signs.  He had not felt passionate about anyone.  He knew he needed to date.  His friends were already having when he was still a and he needed to find out what was all the fuss about. 

After the way his body felt for Han Tae-sun, he was sure that he simply did not know what was going on with him or had not found a guy he was attracted.  Even if he did, he had somehow managed to suppress it.  It was ridiculous but there it was.  He could not dwell on that. 

Homo uality was not something that had ever come up in any of their family conversations.  There was never a need.

This was going to come as a complete shock to everyone.  The fact that he did not even know how everyone was going to react drove him mad.  How little did he know about his own family that he would not know how they would react to him?

Will they continue to love him the way they did?  What if they did not?  He had procrastinated enough.  He did think selfishly about all the comfort of his life.  But he also worried about what he might lose.  Not just comfort but his parents. 

Kim Dong-Hyub took a deep breath.  He had to think positive. 

He was not going to come out to his friends.  It was not important.  He did not have to explain to anyone about his ual preferences.  If they found out from somewhere, it would not matter.  He was grown up.  He did not need friends who had issues with his uality.  He had Han Tae-sun, he had Colin and he had Lee Pil-suk.  He was just fine.  It would hurt a little but he would just pity them. 

His parents were different.

He had now been exposed to the other side of life.  Han Tae-sun’s life.  The one of desperate struggle to survive.  Each day feeling like hell.  He had no right to fell anxious.  If Han Tae-sun could go through all that and survive, nothing that would stand in front of him even compared.

So, he resolved himself.  He was going to deal.  Whatever comes.

He will be fine. 

His parents would not be ignorant.  They were doctors. 

……

When he reached up, his mom was waiting.  All fussy.  His father just nodded.  He went to his room, cleaned up. 

‘Keep breathing’ he told himself.

“Reached home.”  Kim Dong-Hyub texted.

…..

It was the usual hustle and bustle.  They had missed him.  His mom wanted to feed him.  So, he ate.  He laughed as usual.  Tried to be himself. 

‘How long? This is killing me’

…..

His mom finally noticed his restlessness.  “Hi honey, are you tired?” she asked. 

She used honey, baby or whatever endearment she could use.  Kim Dong-Hyub did not think his mom thought of him as grown up.  He was simply so attached and used to it that it did not register with him.

“Mom, what do you think of gays?”

‘Oh !  This was not really how he wanted to start this!”

“Gays?  Why you got some new friends?” she asked.

“You know, just curious” he tried to be casual.

She was looking at him curiously. 

She looked a little embarrassed by the question. 

“If you want to invite any gay friends, I am okay son” she offered.

When he did not speak, she asked “You want to invite someone?”

Kim Dong-Hyub was not ready yet. 

“You think dad will be okay too?” he asked instead.

“Of course he would be okay, don’t be silly” she said.

‘Mom, can you understand without me saying it?’  Kim Dong-Hyub willed her. 

Perhaps his parents simply could not imagine it.  They knew his ex-girlfriend.  They had met her.  They also knew, though they never talked that he was ually active. 

They were doctors.  His dad once gruffly told him, “Make sure you use protection and don’t get a girl pregnant”.   He was sure his mom had made him say it.  Though, mom herself never spoke about any of it. 

He had enough people talking about around him to really be concerned about if his mom knew.  He had not cared about it at all.  He was sure she found some sticky sheets and condoms in his pants or wallet when he had forgotten to remove them.  She was never nosy.  He knew she monitored his moods.  He was generally a happy soul and he was a boy and there was no danger.  So, he knew she did not let her mind think about it too much.

He was always her baby. 

‘Mom, please, don’t make me say it” he begged in his mind.

Kim Dong-Hyub was not yet ready.  So, he continued with the charade.

…..

He would be leaving in the morning.  They had finished dinner.  His mom was giving him worried glances.  His dad had sensed something.  But they all persevered through dinner with Kim Dong-Hyub becoming more and more tensed.

“I need to tell you all something” he finally said as they sat relaxed after the dinner.

They had already sensed something important was coming.  He was restless during the stay.  They were his parents and they knew enough of their son to know there was something on his mind.  It made them wonder what could make him hesitate so much.  ‘Did he want to try something else now?  May be he wants to quit school’ Dad thought.

‘Did he meet someone?  Was he thinking about marriage?’ His mom thought. 

They did not expect what came next.

“I am gay”

…..

Han Tae-sun found himself suddenly very free.  He had got regular updates from Kim Dong-Hyub.  He had not yet told the parents.  He was going to be leaving in the morning.  Han Tae-sun sighed.  It was not something you could just say with what everyone thought.  While they themselves comfortable about it, society did not.  So, it was hard.  Especially to tell the family.

Han Tae-sun had never told his own parents. 

But, he believed they knew.   They were uncomfortable as he reached puberty.  They did try their best, at least knowing his interest and talent in music and getting him those lessons.  But, when he had come all bruised and broken, they had just taken him to the doctor and believed when he had said he did not know who had beaten him up.  When he came bruised again and again, they fixed his body.  They never tried to understand.  They were afraid of it.  It was a small town.  He was sure they had heard whispers.  They let him hang out with Lee PIl-suk, probably very relieved. 

He was also sure they felt relieved when he left town.

They spoke occasionally.  It was always uncomfortable as if they felt guilty.  He always remembered how his parents did not protect him.  He was the innocent.  They were guilty.  There was no reason for him to feel guilty.  He had gotten over the betrayal he had felt.  They were ignorant.  It did not matter anymore.

He had not visited them since he had left.  He did not think they wanted him to visit them.  His mom told him but he could feel it was halfhearted. 

He had moved on.  When Kim Dong-Hyub spoke about his parents, he had felt the pangs.  But, he was so far along that road that it did not bother him as much anymore.  He had cried enough to last a life time.  If it did not work, it did not work. 

But he knew Kim Dong-Hyub was close to his parents.  Kim Dong-Hyub had told him they treated him like a baby.

His heart ached for him.  He hoped they would continue to treat him like a baby. 

……

Han Tae-sun had reduced the number of runway shows he was doing.  He wanted to do more and more music and runway shows were a lot of effort.  He still did not think he was making enough money with only music because of the time he had to spend in school.  He had started thinking of savings.  Practical things like getting a bigger apartment.  With Kim Dong-Hyub in his life, everything practical he thought involved both of them together.  He did not know the future.  But he wanted to plan for it.  So, he had continued working hard but focused more on music than modeling.

He continued to meet his friends during the shows.  He was not sure if he could call them ‘friends’ really.  He had allowed them to get closer to him than others.  When he had to attend events, he hung around with them.  They were the most easy to hang out with because they acknowledged him and it did not look like they judged him one way or the other.  They did not ask a lot of questions.  They laughed at lot and he always was attracted to people who laughed easily.  It was something that was difficult for him.  So, he wanted to be around people who could without him making the effort.

It had also allowed him to keep at least some of his social skills.

Because they had hung out so much with each other, they had simply gotten used to the way Han Tae-sun was.  He in turn never judged people.  While he was generally rude, they had noticed he was less rude to them and had made at attempt with them whereas with others he simply showed irritation.  So, they had become ‘friends’.   They barely knew about each other’s personal lives.  If someone wanted to talk, they would have listened without judging.  And that had made them feel comfortable with each other.

When he had all this free time in his hands, he wondered if he should try and see if could just connect again.  He had started becoming a little guilty over the way he had treated some of the people who were not bad to him.  He still did not like anyone approaching him.  He was still impatient with people.  But he was now sensitive about it.  Thinking about the way he had behaved with these four people he had chosen to hang around did make feel a little a little guilty.  Two of them he had slept with.  Especially with Park Hyun-ki who was the easiest.

‘Park Hyun-ki’.   Han Tae-sun shook his head with disgust at himself when he thought about the way he had treated him.  He was most rude to him because he was most comfortable with him.  He had always called him first.  Sometimes, not even bothering with the other if Park Hyun-ki was busy.  He especially remembered the day when Park Hyun-ki looked a little stricken.  It was the day Park Hyun-ki had tried to help him and be a little sensitive and Han Tae-sun had snapped at him.  Han Tae-sun was too consumed with what he was feeling that day.  But when he thought back, he regretted the way he had behaved with Park Hyun-ki.  It was not fair.

Han Tae-sun had ended his ual relationship with Park Hyun-ki decently.  He thought he did.  It did not appear like Park Hyun-ki had cared much.  But he did sense a distance when they met after that.  He was too involved with Kim Dong-Hyub to care. 

With Kim Dong-Hyub not available, his mind was free.  Park Hyun-ki was on top of his mind.  May be he should just call Park Hyun-ki and see if they could get together with Woo-bin or whoever was available out of the others.  Tried connecting with more people.  May be get a chance to apologize in his own way.  It made him uncomfortable to think this way.  But, he also wanted to make an attempt. 

So, he called Park Hyun-ki.

…..