Kim Dong-hyub had not heard back from Han Tae-sun.  He needed to get over this.  This was entirely one sided and he told himself all it needs is time.  Today, he was telling Colin.  Might as well get over with all of it and then move on.  He trusted Colin enough so as not to make it too uncomfortable for him.  He was not close with anyone else in the college to care what they thought.  It was arts school for people who had already grown up.  He was sure he was not the only gay around.  He had already met one and that told him there may be more.   He had never looked and now he will keep an eye out.  ‘They said there was gay radar.  Perhaps someone will approach him’.  He chuckled to himself.  ‘Han Tae-sun said I am good looking!’

Colin met him up at their usual spot.  This is where they normally sat and chatted about girls & music.  Today it would be a different conversation.  He was not even sure if it was the right place.  But they were alone and right now it was a good place as any.

“So, I am gay” Kim Dong-hyub said as if he was discussing weather.  They were done with customary greetings and usual chatter.  Though Kim Dong-hyub was anxious all the time, he had pretended to be just like he was any other day.  Before he exploded with tension, he had to get it out.

He looked at Colin, expecting variety of reactions and being ready for all of them.

“Yeah, what?”

“I am gay.  I did not know myself till very recently, but I found out”.  Normally they sat closer together.  Hitting on each other’s arms or chest was the most natural thing for both of them.  When Colin spoke about music and strummed his guitar or showed sheets of music, their heads almost touched.  Sometimes when they walked, they had their arms around each other.  It never made a difference to Kim Dong-hyub.  But today, he wanted to keep the distance.  He deliberately sat away from him. 

Colin just gaped at him.  “Are you serious?”

“Do I look like as if I am joking?” Kim Dong-hyub asked. 

Colin just sat there.  He looked surprised.  But there was definitely no disgust. There was no fear either.  He did not move away.  He just looked surprised. 

And then, “hmmm… Do you like me?” Colin was suddenly awkward. 

That was completely unexpected.  Kim Dong-hyub threw his head back and laughed till his stomach hurt.  Colin was actually serious and looked a little anxious.  Suddenly Kim Dong-hyub felt so close to him that he could not help ruffling his hair.  While laughing he said “I like you but not that way.”  Kim Dong-hyub felt so relieved at that reaction that he simply could not help but laugh. 

Colin pushed his hand away but definitely not with disgust or fear.  He just did not like anyone ruffling his hair.  His sister and mom did that enough, thank you very much. “Yah!  Stop that!”

So, this was what was going on with him.  No wonder.  Colin thought.  He personally did not have any opinion on the topic.  It was just a ual preference.  How did it matter?  So far as Kim Dong-hyub was not attracted to him, he was perfectly fine with it.  That too, only because he was straight and could not return his feelings. 

“Am I not attractive to guys then?” he asked Kim Dong-hyub.  Kim Dong-hyub just laughed some more.  He looked relieved.  ‘What was he expecting?’ Colin thought to himself.   ‘Did he think I would react any other way?”

“I am not entirely sure what is so amusing” Colin asked Kim Dong-hyub. 

Kim Dong-hyub finally had stopped laughing and was just grinning now.  “I did not expect that reaction.  I was told very different things.  I am just relieved.”  He said.

“Who told you?” asked Colin. 

Kim Dong-hyub was not sure how much he wanted to tell Colin.  He could not talk about Han Tae-sun.  It was not fair. 

“I got attracted to a guy, I decided to tell him and also said I was not clear why I was attracted.  Then he kissed me and asked me how I felt and that is when I knew”

It was the truth and Colin did not have to know who it was.

“Oh my god! It was Han Tae-sun.”  Colin immediately said.  Kim Dong-hyub looked around him to see if anyone was around.  That reaction confirmed Colin’s suspicions.  Everything suddenly felt in place.  All that interest in that guy was nothing to do with music for the movie.  Not showing too much interest in his date or girls in general.  How had he missed this?  This was too interesting.  He was bubbling with curiosity.  He begged Kim Dong-hyub to tell him more.

“Yah, are you a girl?  What do you want to know?”

“Are you guys going out?” Colin asked. 

“No”.  Kim Dong-hyub did not want to talk about it anymore.  “Why not?  He kissed you”.  Colin asked. 

“That kiss was experimental.  He wanted me to find out how it felt to kiss a guy” said Kim Dong-hyub. 

“If that is all you needed to find out if you were gay, I would have kissed you long back” Colin cheerfully offered.  It just made Kim Dong-hyub laugh.  “I am not attracted to you.  So, I don’t think it would have worked”

“But why doesn’t he want to go out with you?” Colin asked again.

“He is not into relationships and I don’t want to talk about that anymore.  I just wanted you to know.  Now, stop asking me questions and we can continue to talk about girls”

Colin looked at him with an expression that said “As if”. 

“I can’t believe we spoke about girls so much”

“Well, I did not know and I did not mind it.  I had a girlfriend remember?”

“I will listen if you want to talk about boys.  I will also keep a look out for nice boys” Colin promised.

Kim Dong-hyub laughed again.  “Yeah, keep a look out.  If you find someone good, tell me”

“What have you been doing when you were not hanging out with me? “  Colin was curious what had happened between Han Tae-sun and Kim Dong-hyub.  He did not want to pry too much but he was too curious.

Kim Dong-hyub sighed.  “It was difficult when I realized I was gay.  Han Tae-sun felt responsible for some reason and decided to introduce his friends.  It did not turn out well.  I had to think and process.  Went through a phase”

Kim Dong-hyub continued. “I should have told you sooner.  But I was trying to figure out myself”

“Don’t worry about telling me.  It makes no difference one way or the other” Colin said.

“Good to know.  Well, Han Tae-sun went through bad time when he came out.  So, he was acting like my coach.  He told me to steel myself for negative reactions and loosing friends” Kim Dong-hyub said warily.

“It looks like he really tried to help.  He does not look like the type to care much.  So, how come he took so much trouble?”  Colin pushed.  He could sense Kim Dong-hyub was not telling him everything. 

“Hey, I don’t want to talk about it anymore” Kim Dong-hyub said. 

Colin did not push him further. Kim Dong-hyub’s ual preference did not matter to Colin a wee bit.  But if he finds a nice gay guy, he was going to point him out to Kim Dong-hyub. 

….

Han Tae-sun did not want to reply to the texts.  In a way, they were the truth.  He felt responsible.  But he also felt something else.  He cared.  He disagreed about the pity.  He did not pity Kim Dong-hyub.  He was not sure why Kim Dong-hyub felt he pitied him.  That would mean he pitied himself.  He did not.  You can’t pity who you are.  That is just disturbed.  Being gay is not a reason for being pitied.  It was just a ual preference and no matter what they said, it did not make a person deviant or bad.  They were normal people just like everyone else.  He pitied the people for their ignorance. 

So, there was no pity.  Did Kim Dong-hyub understand he simply cared?  That he had gone through terrible times because people were ignorant?  Did he understand all he wanted was to make sure Kim Dong-hyub protected himself?  Why would that make Kim Dong-hyub angry or hurt?

Han Tae-sun felt he should clarify himself.  ‘But why?.  ‘I do not want get involved.  I need to let this go.  It is not my responsibility’.  He told himself every time he was tempted to call or text Kim Dong-hyub.  ‘He said he can take care of himself.’                                                                                                               

……

When the weekend came, Colin suggested they go to a gay bar.   He had not been to one and now that he had a gay friend, he wanted to go see. Get some new experiences.  Kim Dong-hyub knew Colin was just trying to help.  It did not sound like a bad idea.  The more he moves around others of his persuasion, easier it would become for himself.  Having Colin would make it very comfortable.

He knew only one bar.  It was the one Han Tae-sun had taken him to.  So, that is where they went. 

Colin said “Woah.  This is different”

“Yeah” Kim Dong-hyub responded.  “I came here with Han Tae-sun and his friends the last time”

“There are also girls here”.  “They may be lesbians.  You may not have a chance” Kim Dong-hyub said.

“Ooooo, lesbians! Hot Hot”.  Kim Dong-hyub hit him in the arm.  “Don’t embarrass me”.   Having Colin here made him feel very cheerful.  So, he looked around the club. 

He saw someone waving at them.  He looked curiously and found it was one of Han Tae-sun’s friends.  Kim Dong-hyub panicked.  He did not want to bump into Han Tae-sun here.  It will ruin his cheerful mood.  The thoughts of Han Tae-sun always made him broody. 

Colin poked him and asked “Do you know the guy?”

“He is one of Han Tae-sun’s friends.”  Kim Dong-hyub waved back.  Colin also waved.  ‘He is such an idiot’ Kim Dong-hyub thought fondly.  They were inviting them to come over.  He looked for red hair.  It did not appear that he was with them.  ‘Why not’ Kim Dong-hyub thought.  So, they walked over to where they were sitting.  There was plenty of space to sit.  “Park Hyun-ki, Hey!” Kim Dong-hyub asked. 

Hyun-ki got up, gave him a hug and shook Colin’s hand.  “Is he?” asking about Colin.  Kim Dong-hyub laughed and said “No.  He is my friend Colin.  We know each other from Arts school.  We are doing some cultural exchange”.  They all laughed.  Hyun-ki introduced them to couple more guys in the group.  There was also a girl with them.  Kim Dong-hyub remembered seeing her once with Han Tae-sun.  She looked like a model.  She was not a lesbian.  So, Colin sat next her and started chatting up a storm.  Kim Dong-hyub was happy he did not have to worry about Colin for tonight.

“So, last time you almost ran away” Hyun-ki asked. 

“It was my first time.  Got a little uncomfortable.  Sorry I ran out like that” Kim Dong-hyub apologized.

“Mmm.. Han Tae-sun and I are not serious by the way” Hyun-ki felt like clarifying.  He had seen the way Han Tae-sun and Kim Dong-hyub had looked at each other the last time.  There was something there.  He knew Han Tae-sun very well.  He rarely showed any connection to anyone.  With this guy, there was a connection.  Hyun-ki was also sure Han Tae-sun was giving him a very hard time.  Han Tae-sun pushed hard when he started caring for anyone.  He simply did not want to care.  It looked like he cared for this one and he was sure Han Tae-sun was pushing him away. 

Kim Dong-hyub was surprised why Hyun-ki would say something like that to him.  “Eh?” looked at him puzzled expression.

“Just wanted to make sure you knew, that is all.”  Kim Dong-hyub said “We are not like that.” Hyun-ki nodded and let it go.  It’s none of his business.  He said what he wanted to say. 

Conversation then strayed into other topics.  Kim Dong-hyub was finally feeling comfortable in the environment.  They all talked, looked at other guys, commented & laughed.  Overall it ended up being a fun evening. 

Colin reluctantly got up when Kim Dong-hyub signaled him he was ready to leave. 

They left with arms on each other’s shoulders.  Colin wanted to know if he found anyone interesting.  Kim Dong-hyub said there were some guys with potential.  He will have to still get used to this.  He will take it slow.  Colin was happy to see Kim Dong-hyub looking cheerful.  He had observed his mood swings these days.  One minute he would be laughing and other times, he would just brood.  Though Kim Dong-hyub never told the reason why he was brooding, he suspected it had to do with Han Tae-sun.

…..

Hyun-ki told Han Tae-sun, Kim Dong-hyub was in the gay club with Colin. 

“Did he go out with anyone?” Han Tae-sun asked feigning disinterest. 

“When did you start giving about who goes out with whom?” Hyun-ki asked.  He was at Han Tae-sun’s apartment.  

“I don’t give a .  He is new to this.  I want him to make good decisions”.  HTC said annoyed. 

“Well looks like someone gives a .  Why don’t you go out with him?.  He looked interested in you” Hyun-ki pushed knowing fully well what HTC was going to say next.

“Why are you still here?  You got what you came here for.  Now go.  I have things to do.  You are annoying me”. 

Hyun-ki got up from bed laughing.  Just what he expected.  “I am going, I am going”

“You are so touchy” He picked up his cloths, waved his byes and left Han Tae-sun alone to brood.

Han Tae-sun was irritated.  “Why the hell should I care who he goes out with? It is his life.  It looks like he is getting comfortable with it.  Good for him.”

He was still irritated. 

“Heard you were at the club” he texted Kim Dong-hyub.

“News travels fast!” Kim Dong-hyub texted back.

“Make good decisions” he wrote.

“ off” is what he got as a reply.

That did not help Han Tae-sun at all.  It put in a dark mood the whole day.

…..