"I knew that the number was familiar, it's Junhyung's." Whispered Zico in my ears. I wanted to run away. But in front of me stood Junhyung and Zico was on my back. I was stuck. No one knew about my relationship with Junhyung besides Hyunwoo Oppa, and I was planning on keeping it that way. I put on my fake smile and entered this hell hole. 
"Hi, I'm Jaehee from JYband. Nice to meet you!" I had on my poker face. My heart didn't know how to handle this situation but apparently my brain knew. I was pretty happy that my voice didn't waver. My head was high and my shoulders squared. Junhyung though looked desperate and sorry. Dejected, his shoulders low, his eyes so sad. He was looking at me as if trying to find answers to thousand of questions that goes in his head. 

How are you? Are you ok? It's been awhile, you didn't forget me, right? Are you angry at me? Are you angry that I'm hosting this show? Did you read my texts? How are you holding up? Do you want me to leave? Do you forgive me? Do you still love me...?

I swore to him and myself that I will never talk to him. Jaehee the idol can talk to him for the benefit of the show but me, the real Jaehee will not talk to him. So screw him, I won't answer his questions. My head was already messed up as it is.

"Hey don't forget that you're on your own from now on. Your bags won't walk to the house!" screamed some guy from the staff. Oh God, I had the perfect excuse to leave. Though I hate carrying my luggages.

When I left my parent's house I had tons of heavy luggages, plus my guitar, and little money in my pocket. I had to take the bus so it was very tiring. Even though leaving was one of the greatest things I have ever done, it was still hard to put my everyday life, my childhood behind me. The weight of my bags felt like I was carrying a burden. My parent's hopes and dreams. My parent's disappointments. I wanted to leave all of that behind me. But somehow it felt like dragging them for hours through Seoul. That night, Hyunwoo oppa told me I needed a wardrobe worthy of an Idol. So the next day he came to the dorms with tons of stuff. He even bought me a new phone. 

We made a campfire of all my old stuff. My guitar was the only thing left from home. 

So carrying luggages always reminds me of that day. And I hate it.

When I looked up from my bags that were abandoned on the side of the road, I saw Zico helping my unnie and Seolhyun with their bags. Then they all went back inside the House. I was completely relieved that he was helping, so I waited for him to come back and help me too.

Half an hour later, I was still outside waiting for him. That jerk ignored me. What I was expecting anyway. There weren't anyone left outside. Not even a cameraman nor a car. Great. This experience started amazing. I didn't even want to think about the other jerk that was inside the House. I was so fücking pissed that I left my luggages on the street and find a quite and dark place somewhere near the west side of the estate. I took out a cig from my purse and light it. With the first drag I could already feel my muscles getting less tense. I had mix feelings, I wanted to win this program, show them my musical talent, prove myself that I can do it. But I also wanted to lose as fast as I can so I could leave as far away as I can from Junhyung oppa. I wanted to call Hyunwoo oppa and tell him. Tell him the man I loved passionately is here to drag me to hell. But then I remembered we weren't on good terms. And once again anger was back. Another thing I had mix feelings about : my relationship with oppa. I know I love him. As a friend at least. But as a man I don't know. A few years ago I had a major crush on him. But he completely rejected me before I even had the chance to tell him my feelings. That's when I met Junhyung. He helped me get over oppa. But now I don't know how I felt. Was I still feeling that teenage crush? Was I just seeing him as a brother or my best friend? I know I was jealous of his date. But I also know that he will never see me as more than a sister. I put out my cig.

After I calmed down a bit, I put my sleeves up and went back to work. The sooner I face this the easier it will get. I hoped. 

Once inside, I saw Zico running towards me. 
Shït, what now.

"I'm sorry I forgot you, I was distracted by these guys. Here, let me help you." Just when I thought if the world had stopped running, I saw a cameraman close by. Right, that is why he is being a gentleman. What a jerk seriously.

"Hey, no thank you, I can handle it, I don't need your help. I'm already inside anyway." Take that jerk. Not letting you become a hero on TV.
Still, he bent down to try and take one of my bags forcefully. He was much stronger than I, and with all the weight, I had to give in. Zico got up. And sniffed me. Yeah, sniffed. Like a dog. 
He made a weird face and took another bag from my other hand. 
"Come", he said in a serious tone.
Oh, I think he is going to do the talk. You know, about Junhyung. Or me smoking during work time. Or both. Whatever. He's no one to me. He can't judge me. 
Following him, I tried to spot Junhyung but couldn't see him. He was probably doing his job somewhere, ignoring the fact that his ex, the girl of whom he crushed the heart, no broke the heart to a no returning point, was somewhere inside and cursing at him.
Work was always a priority to him. He could give up his life for his music.
At least, he made me believe I was his life.
Maybe it was just lies.
No. I'm sure it was just lies.
And that's the worst part of all of it. But I was too dumb, too naive. I believed every word, every touch, every whisper through the night. Only to found out at the end that it was all lies.
I would never forgive him.