Talking to Hyungshik and Siwan was really easy since they were relaxed people. I was having a nice moment, stuffing my face with food, drinking and getting to know two guys, when Hyungshik asked me « so you like, like Song Mino ? » And I swear, everything that was in my mouth were in that moment on Hyung Shik's face. Mostly on his eyes and forehead since he had looked down on his own plate when he asked me the question. I was so shocked and so sorry that while trying to apologize, I spit even more food. I could sense everyone's eyes on us. I had to do something. I gave my plate to Siwan and took his napkin to clean Hyungshik's eyes, trying not to mess his make up. When Siwan finally started to laugh at the ridiculous situation, Hyungshik reacted the same way. It was very funny and I was happy he wasn't mad at me for spitting food on his face. Another idol star would have been pissed. But he was laughing very loudly, slapping me on the shoulder, tears in his eyes so I started laughing with them. When we stopped our mad laughs, people were all back to what they were doing.

« Never seen an idol like you, it's fun to hang out with you », said Hyungshik.

« I knew I had a reason to like you that much, it's not just about your voice », told Siwan. « It's like you have this aura around you, it makes people want to be with you. »

I was stunned at their compliments, no one since I debuted complimented me like that. It felt genuine and I was really touched. I was going to thank them when we heard someone play piano from somehwhere in the room. It was the melody of Love Song from Miss A, one of my favorite songs. I was humming discreetly the lyrics when Siwan joined me with his sweet voice and cheered me on to sing out loud with him. He was actually waving his hand that held the plate from right to left. I couldn't help myself and started singing very loudly, and probably not really well since I had food stuck between my teeths.

And then, when the lyrics hit me hard, I forgot where I was, and with whom, for a moment. Like usual. Everytime I hear this song, the past comes back. I should've left the room from the first notes. 

Looking straight into Siwan's smiling eyes, I remembered the past. I remembered when I was a foolish in love. When I almost risked it all for him. When he left me for fear of loosing everything. When he wasn't brave enough to love me back. It's as if the lyricist of this song knew about my love story and wrote about it. I could sense the tears in my eyes. I had to get out of there before I cried. I started walking away, not seeing anything, my tears blurring my vision. They still didn't fall. I wasn't allowing them to fall. Not in front of everyone. When I reached what looked like a door, I pushed it aside and ran out of there. After what seemed like an eternity, I finally felt fresh air on my face. I breathed in. Breathed out. Fast. Images of him smiling. Touching my hair. My cheeks. My lips. The first tears started to fall slowly. And then, I remembered how he crushed me. I fell onto the ground, took my laps in my arms and cried, my heart aching, shattering for the umpteenth time. I had promised myself not to do it again. But I could sense the panic take over my body, from the deep end of my heart to my brain. I was shivering, of cold or of pain. I didn't know anymore. I was afraid. Afraid to look up. Afraid to stand up. Afraid to move. I wanted to stay here forever even though I didn't know where « here » was. When I couldn't breath anymore, when I felt like I was dying, the tears had stopped. Why did it feel like there weren't enough oxygen when I was actually outside ? My head began to spin. I tried to focus on something but I couldn't distinguish the sky from the earth. I was dying. It felt like I was dying. I was scared. Scared of dying. I didn't want to die. Or did I ?

Suddenly, my brain froze.

Cold water fell from the top of my head to my cheeks and neck. All thoughts about him gone. A harsh way to get back to reality. A slap on my face, pain on my left cheek and I was back to normal. Or at least, to whom I was pretending to be.

« You ok ? » I heard a male voice ask me, « you were having a panic attack. » I know what it was. Didn't need to be reminded how weak of a person I am. The voice wasn't scared, nor concerned about my well-being. It was flat, as if what happened was a normal thing. As if he was always by my side at those scary moments and was used to them.

I looked up to found none other than Zico.