I was in the car when Yuna called me. « Hey, where are you ? I can't find you.

- I'm in the car, I'm going home. I'm not feeling well. I called Hyun Woo oppa to take me home. You don't mind, do you ?

- No, of course not. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you. Siwan and HyungShik came to me and told me you left without a word. They were worried too. I'll tell them your stomach's upset. It shoudn't suprise me since you tend to eat for ten. But I've never seen you having a stomach ache. » I was going to tell her I never talked about a stomach ache, but then thought better of it. « Thank you, they should understand. They saw me swallow food like there's no tomorrow. » I heard unnie's laugh and knew she wasn't worried anymore. « That's more like you » she told me and hang up.

I could sense oppa's eyes on me, and looked up to see him staring. « You know, at some point you have to tell your leader about your panic attacks. She's your leader, she could be very helpful in hiding your situation in times I'm not around. Like today », he lectured me, his eyes still fixed on me.

« You should look where you're going. I don't want to have a car crash », I answered.

I didn't know if I should talk to him about Zico seeing my panic attack. I was afraid it would complicate things if I did. Zico didn't seem to be the kind to tell other people's secrets. Otherwise he wouldn't have left like that. He would've used this opportunity to, I don't know, at least threaten me.

I knew I was gambling when I choose to trust Zico on this one.

But, as much as I liked Hyun Woo oppa, these past weeks, he acted too much like a real big brother. I didn't want him to be my real brother. He was a very close friend to me. He helped me get through lots of hard times. I didn't want someone to scold me. I just wanted a friend to hear me and just be there. Like he used to do.

I was watching the view change into something more lively as we got closer to the city, and tried to remember when oppa became this important to me. I think it all started the day my parents finally accepted to sign the papers for the traineeship. I knew Oppa for months by then, he had contacted me via email when he saw my videos online and we used to spend nights on Skype, talking about anything and everything. Oppa was good with his words, and he sold being an idol to my parents like it was the perfect product to help me become what they always hoped for : a reknown lawyer. The agency proposed to give me classes on different languages and dance and music for cheaper than on the market, and since my grades were always perfect, they finally gave in.

I kept being the best student in high school. Didn't really had a choice, my parents threatened me often to stop paying for my traineeship, or stop me of going out with my friends. They didn't care about me as long as I had good grades to become one day what they wanted. But I couldn't afford that to happen : both were my escape from the nightmare called « home ».  

But when I turned nineteen and that I had to go to university, I wanted to stop school and concentrate only on my singing carrier. It took me four months to get my parents sign the papers for the renewal of the contract. I still had to go to university. In the major they wanted. So I got in law school at the second best college. They kept telling me that if I had stopped my traineeship, I could've gone to the best law school. But it was really hard for me. I got used to have only five hours of sleep every night. Being a trainee and doing homeworks at the same time was the hardest. Too much pressure. That's when my relationship with Hyun Woo oppa changed into something stronger than before : he wasn't one of my best friends anymore, he was my confidant and my oxygen. He helped me a lot. He was there the nights I cried myself to sleep, coming secretly in my bedroom through the window to hold my hands and sing me lullabies so I wouldn't have nightmares. He was there when I fell in love and had my heart crushed for the first time in my life. He was there when I had my first panic attack. And he was there for all the other panic attacks, except for tonight. But he came right away when I called, not asking any question.

Then, I turned twenty-one, I stopped law school two years before getting my diploma, and concentrated on dancing and singing. three months later I made my debut with the girls.

When I went to see my CEO the day I had my majority, the very first day of my 21 years old, my backpack on my shoulders and my guitar in my hands, I asked him if he could give me a place at the dorms. Because I didn't want to live with my parents anymore since we didn't have the same opinion about my future. He gladly accepted and I starting living with girls I barely knew. But it was a relief, to not live in an environement that kept telling you how much of a dispointement you are and how much you screwed up everything. How much worthless you are. Not once did I talked to my parents since then. Even if it hurt that I never got my parents approval, that they never supported me in anything I did, I was still living my dreams.

I don't know when it started to be a nightmare. But I have to wake up from this. I have to find a way to believe in myself, in my talent, in the only thing that made me smile and go on with life. Music.

My only friends were Fall out boys and Kanye West. Their songs were like heavens to my ears. People around me kept saying that I need to choose a music style and stick with it. But why the hell should I do that when there are a lot of songs that are so good to the heart ? I listen to what's moving me deep inside. Be it hip hop or rock'n'roll. Who the hell are they to tell me that one music style is better than the other ? That you have to belong to one style only ? I want to make music that touches everyone, I want to play with styles, mix them, and have fun listening to raggae and rock at the same time for three minutes. I don't want to limit myself with simply being a kpop idol because I'm sure the more you have a large range of genres, the more you touch people.  

When we arrived in front of the building we lived in, Hyun Woo oppa turned to me and said : « I've got a date to go back to. So I'm leaving you here. Will you be okay ? The other girls are at home » . A date ? Since when Oppa had a girlfriend ? He never talked to me about a girlfriend.

I felt a spike of jealousy spread through me. So, that's why he's been weird these past weeks.

« A date ? » I asked him. And he actually blushed, scratching the back of his head, the ghost of a smile on his lips. I couldn't believe it. He had a crush on a girl and that is the reason why he acted distant and more brother-like with me. Feeling betrayed, I opened the car door and left someone without a word for the second time tonight. Zico probably thought the same thing I was thinking right now when he left me : screw the world.

A longer chapter this time. Lots of information and heavy feelings. Hoped you liked it. Don't hesitate to give feedbacks ! English is actually my third language so I'd like very much if you commented on my story. Tell me what you think about it. Wait for funnier things to come after this chapter !