When a small layer of gray smoke escaped Tiffany’s lips, with her dress lazily draped over her body and soaked in the ocean, she let her mind wander off a bit. Wander until she came to think of what they were doing, and where they were, and if there was any sneaky person who felt like stopping by the car they’d both be screwed. The thought should’ve made her a bit jumpy or even cautious, but it didn’t seem to matter.

Her car reeked of and cigarettes and cans of Diet Mountain Dew, while her inner thighs felt a bit sticky and the sun was unforgivingly hot. Even if she had opened up a window to let it out, it still lingered as they lied there. Or Tiffany lied there, Jessica had found it better to put on her shirt and sit a bit awkwardly on the floor between the driver’s and back seat. How she could fit in there comfortably was beyond Tiffany.

Jessica took a sip from the silver can, and as she removed it from her lips, Tiffany took another drag. It went like that for a minute or two, before the silence was broken by the golden brunette. “What’s your favorite genre?”

The question left Tiffany a bit puzzled, wondering what kind of genre she was thinking about at all. It wasn’t so much the randomness of the question, they asked each other random things more often than not, but it still felt a bit out of place. “I don’t really have a favorite,” she began then after a moment of thinking.

Jessica only looked at her, and although it wasn’t a good answer, she didn’t really have it in her to elaborate. “You look sort of punk rock, sometimes,” Jessica had mused then while her slender hands held onto the can. Her nails were painted red, contrasting the colors around her so much, that it was impossible not to notice them.

That made Tiffany chuckle shortly as she took another drag. “Sometimes?” she asked in reply, but Jessica didn’t elaborate on that either. She just stayed still for a moment, as if she was in deep thought.

“I grew up on hip-hop,” Jessica suddenly shared, believe it or not, and Tiffany let her gaze return to her eyes. They were looking down on the can, curled lashes above brown orbs and slightly slanted eyelids. “Not that I really listen to it now, or that I even liked it, but that was something the entire neighborhood did I guess.”

Tiffany stayed quiet through whatever Jessica was going to inform her, letting the end of her cigarette fall out the window, not caring if it was littering the street. People had done much worse, anyway, and no one would kill her. “My father didn’t want me to be around those people, and I never listened because I never cared about him.”

That made Tiffany almost snort, because she had a feeling she knew where the story was going. “You didn’t listen; you became a bad girl and got sent away to border school or something,” she interjected smartly, but Jessica didn’t seem to listen. Something that didn’t make much sense, as if she wasn’t really talking to Tiffany or anyone, and something that made Tiffany wonder what was going on.

“I used to drink, and party, and do everything that was bad. I wasn’t the worst of the worst, because I had my limits, but sometimes I got too carried away; chasing cars with older guys, taunting police officers and having friends with questionable morals,” she took another sip from the soda in her hand. Her pinky tapped on the metal tin ever so softly, clinking around the small vehicle. “They were the only friends I had, and they weren’t good for me and everyone could see that.”

When Tiffany found herself listening, she still had no idea on what Jessica’s point was. Not that it could’ve been completely out of the blue, because there was probably some sort of meaning to it, but Tiffany couldn’t figure out what it was.

Jessica sat still for another while, not saying anything, and it made Tiffany want to speak up. She wanted to ask what she was thinking about, what made her tell something as personal as that, but Jessica had beaten her. “I have a tendency to be around people who aren’t good for me,” she explained then. It didn’t really make much sense for Tiffany at first, not at all, until she sort of came to her own conclusion.

“You think I’m a bad person?” Tiffany asked then, now turning her body to the side, one leg above the other. Her hand was underneath the huge mess of her hair, still a bit damp and salty.

When Jessica nodded, it left the auburn-haired girl with mixed emotions. She didn’t really consider herself a goody two-shoes, but she wasn’t really bad either. Not in the way that she’d harm anyone, or do him or her anything wrong. She was just sure about what she wanted to achieve in life, and it didn’t matter for her how she got it, as long as she did.

With that said, Tiffany wondered what the hell could be next. “You’re sort of punk-rock in the way that, I just suppose you have something about you that you don’t want to share,” Jessica said and normally Tiffany would’ve glared at that person. She hated people interrogating her life as if it was any of their business, because it weren’t, and you couldn’t blame her for not sharing everything about her life.

That made Tiffany scoff. “As if I’m the only one bearing secrets,” she replied, although she wasn’t mad, she wasn’t exactly happy. What had happened to Tiffany was her own business, things that Jessica didn’t need to know or even think of in the slightest bit. She had no right to want to know, if that was her intention, because it was her past and her problem and…

“I’m not saying that, Tiff,” Jessica didn’t sound too remorseful about it though. “You share what you want to; I’m just saying I get that vibe of detachment from you, as if you don’t want anyone too close.”

Tiffany sat up then, somewhere along the sentences Jessica uttered, holding onto the fabric of her slowly drying dress. Her eyes gleaned down on Jessica, and she didn’t feel the slightest need or want to hear anything further about it. Tiffany didn’t want to think about those times and everything that still sometimes made her cry in the middle of the night.

She didn’t need Jessica, a woman she’d only slept with many times, to figure out stuff like that about her. It wasn’t as if Taeyeon or Seohyun were the ones telling her that, but it was ing Jessica out of all people and it made her insides boil in anger.

“I don’t know what the hell is up with you right now,” she said before she could even think about how raised her voice was. “But you better shut up.”

Jessica didn’t look at her, not at all, with her gaze still lost and out there. Hadn’t Tiffany been so annoyed, she almost would’ve found it endearing, but right now it was idiotic and stupid. She was quiet for the longest while then, and Tiffany had already gotten her slightly drenched clothes on before Jessica suddenly uttered something she wouldn’t expect.

“We should end this.”

It almost sounded like a break-up, the way she uttered those words although they were everything but serious. When Tiffany sat up properly, she had to digest the words through her cloudy mind to decipher what was going on. How could the scorching hot they just had turn into something so uncomfortable and tense afterwards? What happened to the playfulness and the whole idea that this meant nothing?

“Because I’m not good for you?” Tiffany had decided to answer after a while, leaning her arms on her knees while waiting for the other to reply.

Jessica only sighed then, before her gaze finally met Tiffany’s eyes. Her pupils were widening and minimizing all at once, as if they wouldn’t focus, but her entire expression was lost.  When she shook her head, Tiffany was at loss again, but even more so when Jessica continued to speak. “Because I’m not good for you,” she said softly, and Tiffany almost didn’t hear it at first.

When a moment passed, Tiffany could only say that “Smoking isn’t good for me either.” She did it anyway though, because she did a lot of things that weren’t good for her, and she would probably continue to do so. Not that she understood how Jessica could be bad for her; sure it was risky meeting up like this and what they were doing, but if she had to think of it, Jessica didn’t really do too much out of line.

“That’s not the point,” Jessica said then, shaking it off almost immediately. Her golden brown hair was darker, falling down her shoulders as she drummed her hands on the can. The gaze she held onto Tiffany didn’t falter, however, as they sat so close yet so far away at the same time.

Tiffany let herself ask. “Then what is?” she let her confused, tired, annoyed and everything in between voice do the talking. There wasn’t anything to mask, because if they were going to be brutally honest and open which they hadn’t been since ever, she didn’t have to hide that at least.

“Can you love me?” Jessica suddenly asked, without it being an answer to anything. It was as if a sudden curveball was thrown at Tiffany, the conversation taking a 180 degree turn for something that she couldn’t explain.

Could she love Jessica?

Jessica with the golden hair and the soft smile?

Jessica who tapped her own fingers when she was impatient and who let out snarky remarks?

Jessica who made her feel comfortable and unstoppable all at once?

She hadn’t actually thought about things that way; mostly because Tiffany hadn’t even considered the possibility. Had she wanted to know more about her and how she was like? Sure, because they had this connection that just couldn’t mean nothing, and she wanted to have Jessica around in some sort of way. She hadn’t seen it as something permanent or long-lasting, where they’d be together more often and do stuff together and…

Tiffany felt something different about Jessica than she did with anyone else. It wasn’t sweet or lovely like most feelings, but it was a hell of an adrenaline rush and hotter than anything she had experienced for a while. It was enough to leave her on the edge, to want to hold onto Jessica’s warmth and listen to her talk even if they only chatted about mindless stuff.

But could she love Jessica?

When Tiffany parted her lips to reply, she had felt her hands fall a bit limp all of the sudden, as if there was no strength left in them. “No,” she had replied in the end, and she wasn’t sure if she was telling the truth or not. Because no matter how many times she wrapped her head around it, it didn’t add up.

She couldn’t say that she loved Jessica, because that would be utterly wrong in so many ways. Tiffany couldn’t say she had ever really loved anyone romantically, only intimately or friendly at the most. Jessica would probably fall into the first category, no matter how odd it felt placing her there, and that was really all there was to it.

Yet she couldn’t say that she didn’t feel anything, because Jessica was entirely different from anyone she ever knew. Tiffany had always had that notion buried in the back of her brain, but she didn’t think too much about it even if she should have. Because Jessica was not a typical one night stand or buddy or whatever. Had she been, then she wouldn’t have such a hard time replying, yet she couldn’t say it was love.

When Jessica only nodded, one hand clasping onto her knee, the silence ensured a tense mood to it. Her denim jeans were scattered not too far away, and as she tossed the empty can of soda away, she had moved to get them through her slim legs again. “Then we should say goodbye,” she told then.

Tiffany had no idea what that goodbye was supposed to mean, but it didn’t promise anything of seeing each other soon and she had no idea on what to think by that. “So you love me?” Tiffany had to ask for confirmation, but when she saw Jessica look at her like that, she felt even more confused.

“I don’t know,” Jessica replied with uncertainty lingering in her voice, empathizing how little she knew herself. “And that’s why I can’t do this anymore, because I know one of us will end up hurt.”

Tiffany could only sigh. “And if it went on any longer the pain would be worse because you would’ve fallen in love with me and I’d end up hurting you,” she finished Jessica’s trail of thoughts, and the silence seemed to symbolize that they both were on the same page.

When Jessica had gotten her pants back on, and tied her loose hair up in a bun, it was weird to think of that this could possibly be the last time she would see her. It was strange and unusual in every way despite them not knowing each other for long. But if Jessica was going to go, she didn’t want her to go without one last gesture.

Tiffany moved closer, tangling her fingers in Jessica’s hair despite being tied up and the gasp she let out. With their faces so close together, Tiffany could only command one thing and hope that Jessica would agree.

“Kiss me hard before you go,” Tiffany said then, her chest heaving up and down as her stomach made an odd churn. It got even worse when their lips crashed onto one another, the warmth seeping through their probably sunburned skin and all the way down. Bruising and demanding and powerful and just everything that they were in that moment, sort of poured through the kiss. Even the lingering doubt if that was the best way to do things, or if it really was love at all, snuck its way through the simple contact of lips and tongue and everything.

Even if they didn’t know each other on a deep level, Jessica had still oddly enough found a place in Tiffany’s chaotic and hectic mind. She made Tiffany want to do things she hadn’t done before, and she made her laugh and all.

When they parted with the need to breathe, she knew that it really was it this time and it almost made her sad. But Tiffany knew that if love was what Jessica wanted, she probably couldn’t give it to her, and it . Because even if she had wanted to (and Tiffany began to wonder if she actually did), it was just something that was so out of her reach. She didn’t want to love, because she couldn’t trust someone so much, not after…

“Good luck on the new songs,” Jessica had said and she was already halfway out of the door. Tiffany was about to stop her to say that she could at least drive her back to the café or the city, but Jessica already shook her head as if she knew. “I’ll find my way back on my own; I think it’ll be better that way.”

Tiffany could only nod dumbly, and then she was at loss for words to say again. It was weird saying goodbye, because their partings were often built on some small hope that they would meet again. This time it seemed as if they would never cross each other’s paths again, and it made her feel a bit sick.

Without thinking too much about it, she stopped Jessica from walking away with one hand, and managed to find what she was looking for with the other. When the item finally fell onto her hands, she placed it onwards to Jessica’s own, who eyed it confusedly. “A memory stick,” Tiffany informed her then a bit awkwardly. “There are songs that didn’t make the cut to our previous albums and, I don’t know, I just guess I want you to have them.”

Jessica’s eyes were still in slight surprise, and it made sense because not even Tiffany understood what she meant by that. No, they didn’t need the songs because they would never be released or used, so it wouldn’t kill her in any way. She knew Jessica wouldn’t leak them anywhere, but even if she did it wouldn’t matter.

When a moment or two passed with the sun shining on them, Tiffany still a bit in her own world after everything that had happened, something cold landed on her hands again. It was cool and a bit loose, some of it dangling on the edges of her fingers, and a part of it felt a bit heavier.

When Tiffany looked down at the blue hues that grazed the bracelet, held on with a metal lock and a silver band. The heavy part had been the charm that hung in the middle, a shape that was oval and silver as well. She had seen Jessica wearing this bracelet ever since they met, but she had no idea why. Maybe it was just a nice accessory, but even when she got those expensive bracelets from others, she didn’t take this one off.

Tiffany wanted to ask, but she didn’t have to because Jessica was already gone. The only thing she had then was the blue bracelet in her hand, and the tingling touch of her hands on her skin that would die any minute.

It still didn't feel like the end for them, however, although Tiffany wasn't sure if she was supposed to feel happy or torn for thinking like that.