Forming an opinion on what just happened and what was going to happen, wasn’t something Jessica considered easy. For she knew that most of this was wrong, definitely, but then again she was never the purest girl out there. She’d done many wrongdoings, but she would never call herself a cheater because she didn’t use to belong to anyone. In many ways she used to consider herself the mistress who belonged to everyone, yet belonged to no one.

That’s why she tries to ignore the guilt that seeps through her chest; it’s not as strong as she thought it was, but it’s still there. Pricking through her, nagging her in the back of her mind that everything about it was simply wrong and yet…

It was in the frenzy of the hotel room that made Jessica think way too much; about things she shouldn’t really think of one could say. There were images everywhere, scattered around her mind and blurring beneath her closed eyes, and she felt herself grow more confused. “You alright?” she heard the slight huskiness of her voice, warm hands on her waist that found their way through her shirt, and a body of close proximity that wasn’t the one it should be.

Jessica tried to nod, she really did, but it was so half-hearted that even she didn’t believe it. And that made the dark-haired woman move a bit away, not enough to be apart, but enough for her to speak. Enough for her eyes to look at her, penetrating gaze that awoke things it shouldn’t, and despite Jessica’s poker face she knew she wasn’t as calm as she let on.

Tiffany let out a short sigh, not impatient, but rather mirroring some sort of frustration that resembled how Jessica sort of felt in that moment. “What’s the matter then?” she asked again, and that was something Jessica had no idea on what to answer. Of course she knew what the problem was, there were multiple problems in fact, yet she felt as if she was focusing on the wrong ones.

Her hand fiddles on the strap of Tiffany’s top, one that probably should’ve been taken off already given the events, but she made no move to do it. Jessica could be many things but she wasn’t stupid enough to get it on at a dirty restroom stall, so the way there had been all jumpy and fighting the urge of wandering hands. Whatever heated moment that escalated from the club and all the way to the hotel, sort of died down in that moment. Not enough for the mood to be killed, but dampened significantly.

Of all things, this was not supposed to be serious or a heart-to-heart moment. She bit her lower lip in complementation, wondering what to say, having nothing to say really. What she said before was basically how she felt, but it didn’t come out the way she wanted to and it didn’t end how she thought it would either. She felt too weak, and too vulnerable all of the sudden and that should be a sign to just get out of there.

Still, something was stopping her from walking away, and she didn’t even find the will to go as her back was pressed against the wall and a warm body was close to her. This was totally reckless behavior, something she should have avoided at all costs because she knew how this was going to end and that was probably the worst part.

A moment went and silence covered it, heavy on her heart, yet she found the will to look at Tiffany, and tried to think of something to say. Racking through her brain for anything reassuring, for something to pop up so she’d look and feel less vulnerable and more desirable.

Turned out she didn’t have to, because Tiffany had already grown impatient with the silence, and she filled the room with her voice again. Wondering if it had something to do with the other woman, not that Jessica was sure which woman they were talking about because what they had together was a thing on the side. But the thing was, Jessica wasn’t really thinking about Yuri, and that bothered her when she came to think of it. She was more worried for awakening those hidden emotions and feelings again, and afraid that this time, she wouldn’t be able to stop them.

However, the more she looked into Tiffany’s dark gaze, she couldn’t help but wonder. How could this wild, funny, witty and outgoing person be so shut off and detached at the same time? Her eyes always twinkled with excitement, of an inner playfulness and a spark of life. “What made you like this?” Jessica came to ask, and she had no idea on where she got it from. Yet the more she looked at Tiffany, the more she felt the need for an answer.

That inner spark seemed to face, replaced by a dead serious and focused and shut off gaze. One that felt like a harsh blow, one that made sure Jessica was stepping into forbidden territory that was probably Tiffany’s vulnerability as well. It was as if she was trying to be void of anything that might harm her, and she especially didn’t want Jessica to know how that question could harm her.

Of course, Jessica expected an answer that literally told her it was none of her business, but it wasn’t something she felt like she could let go either. Maybe they weren’t lovers, and for all she knew they probably weren’t friends anymore, but there was some sort of connection that was between them. One that she felt at least gave her the right to know something, anything, about the woman in front of her. “I’m happy with my life, if that’s what you’re wondering about,” was the reply that came after a while, yet they both knew it was a lie. “Everything I want, I have. I got the fame, the money, and people are more envious of me than what they should be. How could I not be happy?”

It made Jessica want to sigh, or roll her eyes, or maybe even both. She didn’t expect her to cave in that easily, but she still didn’t feel like giving up or listening to those materials that she knew weren’t the key to real happiness. True, they were nice essentials and better than what Jessica could ever have, but there was nothing genuinely in what Tiffany said. “They all think you have it all,” Jessica shared, but knowing the truth, Tiffany probably didn’t.

And that came true when the hardened gaze seemed to falter. It wasn’t by much, but still noticeable, and Jessica let her hand slightly grace the soft skin on her arms, a soothing action that she sort of learned calmed her down. No, she had no idea how she knew, but Jessica remembered and that was all there was to it.

She wanted to ask why, although she shouldn’t have been curios in the first place. What was going to happen was supposed to be another one-night affair and not this. They should’ve been in bed by now, perhaps, but still they stood there with the skyline through the window and the rest of the city underneath them. Even if the lights were turned off, the city lit up the room in hues of orange, white and blue, and she could see Tiffany clearly. She could see how she felt then. “But you want more, don’t you?”

Tiffany didn’t even bother to argue with it, and maybe that was for the best, but she wasn’t ready to give up the fight. She tried to harden her gaze again, tried to show some sort of authority, but it wasn’t as strong as before. This woman who probably went around partying and drinking and having fun, wasn’t all that she wanted to be. Jessica could read that, even if she never had a degree in psychology or anything similar.

“I don’t have anything more to ask for,” Tiffany said as if she didn’t have anything else to say. Not that Jessica was sure of what she was lacking, but she knew there was something missing. “I’ve gotten what I needed and wanted, not necessarily everything, but most of it,” she spoke through a softer voice, and her eyes looked away for a moment.

When time passed yet again, the clock ticking by, Jessica let her hands grab the other woman’s shoulders. “Then what didn’t you get?” she asked, because who knew if they would meet again, so she might as well go for it. There wasn’t a lot of time left for them, not really, but enough for them to not rush into anything either.

There’s a certain emotion that runs through the darkness of her eyes again, one that made them appear glossy and soft. One that let go of the hard demeanor, the one that didn’t even suit her, and one that made her seem different altogether. It was in that moment, that Jessica looked through her and just thought about it, that she probably knew what Tiffany was lacking all along. “I don’t think I could ever get it.”

And maybe it wasn’t really necessary to ask why, and it would just annoy the other, but Jessica felt herself asking it by not saying anything. She just let her thoughts wander back to the day in Tiffany’s car, and to that phone call, back to the times said Tiffany could never really love. Something she wasn’t allowing herself to, something that came along after an event that left her scarred.

There weren’t tears forming in her eyes, but they were very close to, and that was probably the closest she would get to see Tiffany break down. Maybe it was the alcohol that made her more emotional, maybe it was the haziness about them, maybe it was something else… but in that moment, there was another side of Tiffany that opened up before her. Not enough for Tiffany to talk about it, but enough to at least let her know that there was something going on, and that was enough for them at that time.

Heart beating loudly, Jessica had a feeling that Tiffany’s past wasn’t as bright as she would like it to be. Something left her like this, and maybe Jessica couldn’t fully understand and probably never would, because all experiences are individual. Yet she could in her way let her know that she was here, and nothing would really be solved, but it would be better.

Grabbing her hand, she lightly pushed Tiffany off just to guide her towards the bed. Not just to get things along, not to her and to leave again, but just make sure that there wasn’t really anything to be afraid of anymore, even if the possibility for them changing would be slim. She sat down on the edge of the queen-sized bed, still holding onto Tiffany’s hand while the other one is placed on the small of her back, only to pull her closer. And there wasn’t really any way Jessica could show her how she felt, how she thought, because she was always better with actions than with words.

Tiffany’s hands were slightly shaking, and even if she had nothing to be nervous about, she seemed to be. Even when she positioned herself on Jessica’s lap, faces close and arms around each other, there was a lingering anxiousness. It was something along to being with someone who had no idea on what to do next, as if she hadn’t been touched before, although they both had countless of times.

A soft smile found its way on Jessica’s face, hoping in some way that the other would calm down. Leaning in, she kissed her slowly and nothing like they had done before. It was so tentative and tender, slow and almost pure that it felt like the first time. The feelings that surged through her chest wasn’t pure lust, but rather something bubbling in the form of something more, something that she hadn’t felt in a long time.

She kept playing the soft and tender game for a while, taking the time to just simply be close and together rather than getting right to it. Even if Tiffany begun to undress her, probably wanting to feel as much as fast as possible, Jessica made her just relax. They could go high tempo, speeding through it like always, waiting for that brink of release and pleasure. They could just get undressed and skip the , get dirty and gritty and fiery as they always did.

But even if Tiffany was impatient, she surely begun to understand, and maybe she desired the lightness of it too. As she gripped onto her, letting her kiss down on her skin, softly touching and caressing the spots she had learned Tiffany loved, the moment of everything felt intensified. The sounds seemed to ring louder through Jessica’s ears, even if it probably wasn’t any louder than usual. Even the feeling of the skin underneath hers felt softer, smoother, warmer...

And yes, she always thought the rock star had a great figure, but she had never appreciated it like this. Jessica hadn’t really let her hands get to know her fully, to find out about the curves and edges that surrounded her, to find other places that made her crazy. It was sort of the plan anyway, as Jessica kissed her shoulder lightly, letting her eyes glide down her body until she spotted some ink.

A small giggle came from her lips, and Tiffany seemed a bit confused, as Jessica only shook her head. “I had no idea you got a tattoo,” she informed Tiffany, only to move her head down to get a better view on the blackness that was on the side of her ribs, right underneath the curve of her . Usually quotes like these were scribbled in some sort of fancy, cursive writing to make it pop less and seem elegant.

Tiffany’s however, was written through big and bold letters, even if the tattoo itself was small. “Life imitates art,” Jessica let herself read out loud, not really sure what it was supposed to mean, waiting for an explanation of any sorts.

“Life imitates art far more than art imitates life, Oscar Wilde” Tiffany shared then, her voice more stable despite what was going on, despite the growing desire in them both. She propped her arms up to give Jessica a better view. “In the sense that art isn’t really something made by what we experience in reality, but more about how our lives are inspired by the art we create.”

For Jessica it made so much and so little sense all at once, the saying glaring up upon her, something that seemed to mean a lot to Tiffany as they lay there. “My music is who I am, and a representation of how I really want to live, even if I don’t have that life at all.”

That was probably the most intimate thing Tiffany had shared thus far, something that didn’t necessarily come from a ual act. One that made Jessica almost think of the possibility that she could’ve fallen for her then and there, something just connecting. And she let herself peck the outline of the quote before going up to see her face, through her eyes that were clouded in many emotions. Even if there was lust, there was something more that she couldn’t really pinpoint, but it meant more to Jessica than any look she had gotten before. One where she looked so pure and so dirty at once, that left Jessica with mixed emotions, but none of the bad kinds.

There was nobody but them, and that was a feeling she figured she enjoyed more than she should. What they had together wasn’t the best or most ideal situation, one that was so fragile and frail, that could crumble apart any moment. Their feelings, the things they held inside was shielded from both parts, as if they were in some type of war where they couldn’t get too close. A boundary that wasn’t supposed to have been crossed, one that lead onto more than what they were, and Jessica hadn’t felt better for doing something like this in a long time.

Their relationship, no matter how they define it, had been something alike a battlefield and a guilty paradise all at once. One that was only supposed to mean , nothing more, yet maybe it was something more after all.

“Can you stop being so sappy and continue what you were doing?” she heard Tiffany say, lacing a voice of impatience, even if it was exaggerated. But Jessica had nothing against continuing, only chuckling and kissing her for a while as her hands went back to wander. She registered the touch of Tiffany’s hands gliding along hers as well, making her stomach flip and goosebumps run through her skin.

And as they parted, for Jessica to inch closer, she knew that she was close to saying something she probably shouldn’t. Something that would really ruin them, everything, but she didn’t have to, because she saw it in her eyes. And the unspoken truth lingered through the air, between them, and one that they weren’t sure could be lived upon. It was the best thing for Jessica to know and the worst thing all at once; to know that Tiffany did come close to feel something she didn’t allow herself to.

It was nothing like them, going slow like this, taking their time until they just couldn’t anymore. And even if it wasn’t equally as pleasing, it meant more than any form for ing. The intense pleasure wasn’t lost, not at all, but came in a different form altogether. One where they really felt each other, not only physically. Something Jessica didn’t even know that she missed, or that Tiffany probably needed, and that was maybe all they needed together.

It was when Tiffany was close to falling asleep, wrapped up tightly against each other, that she knew everything had changed. “Please, don’t go,” she whispered then, softly and almost shaken, as if she was scared.

Jessica didn’t have it in her to say anything, to reassure her that everything would make sense in the morning. That they could be together now and that they could forget the past and that she didn’t have to be anxious. Jessica wasn’t the kind to make up empty promises, to pretend as if she knew that the future ahead would contain.

But she wouldn’t leave, not yet at least, because she wanted to wake up next to her. Wanted to pretend for a while that everything was normal, and that this was the first night of many where they would do this, even if she wasn’t sure at all.