Chapter 07

"Most of us have unhealthy thoughts and emotions that have either developed as a result of trauma
or hardships in their childhood, or the way they were raised."
- Steven Seagal 

“Five, Six, Seven, Eight.”

Jimin clapped his hands to the beat of the music as he watched Jungkook turn and step and pose. The music slowly ebbed away, leaving Jungkook's heavy breathing the only noise in the room.

The two friends were standing in the school's practice room they had booked for the night.

Maybe 'booked' was the wrong word. They had borrowed it.

Meaning Jungkook picked the lock.

They were practicing for 3 hours straight now, and Jimin was already tired. But Jungkook – he was still unsatisfied.

“You did perfect this time!” Jimin beamed at his younger friend, who stood, hunched over, and held his aching sides.

“You're just tired, aren't you?” Jungkook asked, a triumphant smile curling on his lips.

As he looked up, sweat was running down the sides of his head, the beads meeting at his chin and falling down drop by drop. Annoyed, Jungkook lifted his white shirt up to his face and brushed the sweat off.

“We have classes tomorrow, Jungkookie. It's already past mid-night.”

“But I'm not tired!” Jungkook protested, taking the bottle of water Jimin held out for him.

“Cut me some slack” Jimin sighed. “Teaching you is really exhausting. And you not being tired?" He paused and dryly scoffed at his friend.  "What a lie. Have you looked into the mirror lately?”

Jungkook tried to blow his fringe out of his eyes, but it stuck tightly to his forehead.

“Is it that bad?” he quietly asked and his best friend's face twisted in pity.

Exhaustion washed over Jungkook and he sunk to the ground, ruffling his hair and pulling at the roots. Jimin sat opposite from him and lightly touched his shoulder.

“Are you okay? You know you can talk to me.”

“It's getting bad again,” Jungkook admitted, “the nightmares, the insomnia.”

Jimin and Taehyung knew about him having insomnia and that, when he slept, nightmares were torturing him. He never told them what they were about, though. Nobody knew. Except his mother, who used to cradle him back to sleep when he woke up sweating and crying when he was still living with her.

Jungkook let his head hang and clutched the water bottle so tightly, it crinkled up.

He was sick of it. Sick of being a burden to his mother, to his friends, even to himself.

The two boys sat in silence for a few moments, until Jimin suddenly grabbed Jungkook's head with both hands and pressed his forehead to his hair.

“One more time, okay? And then we'll go home and you try to get some sleep.”

Jungkook looked up in disbelief, which soon was replaced by thankfulness, and he nodded.

“Promise?”

“I promise, thanks a lot, Jimin!”

Jimin got back on his feet and watched Jungkook roll back into a handstand, a bright smile plastered on his face. He snorted at Jungkook and threw his empty bottle at him.

“You're such a show-off!”

“And you're just jealous!”

Jimin rolled his eyes at his younger friend before starting the track again.

“One, two – one, two, three, four!”

Through the mirror, Jungkook watched the two of them dance, his eyes following every sharp movement Jimin and he made. To a stranger's eyes, their performance would look great - synchronized.

But not to his own, self-judgmental eyes.

What he saw was Jimin's perfect performance – the way he moved, the way he enjoyed himself dancing.

And that his own performance lacked something. And that he was just a split-second behind the beat.

Envy pinched his heart and, even though he was having fun being taught by his best friend, he couldn't prevent frustration spreading in his mind. For once he wished he would ace something. For once he wished he would know his purpose in life.

After the practice, Jimin had escorted him to his room's threshold, to make sure Jungkook wasn't just going to wander around the city again. Another habit his friends were well aware of.

“I'm not a kid, Jimin” Jungkook whined when his friend even followed him inside his room.

A smile appeared on his face – his prominent eye-smile that seemed to be contagious. Jimin pulled Jungkook into a headlock - standing on his tippy-toes because, even though he was older, he was much smaller – and gave him a rap on his head.

“To me, you are a baby, Jungkookie!” he laughed as he saw the younger's annoyed face.

“At least I'm not as tiny as one” Jungkook muttered and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Jungkook knew exactly how sensitive Jimin was about his height and every now and then, Taehyung and he would amicably make fun about it.

“Go to bed!” Jimin barked, and stormed out of the room, leaving a chuckling Jungkook behind.

But as soon as the door closed and he was alone, the smile on Jungkook's face slowly faded.

The room suddenly felt really cold and he turned his head to see if his window was open – but it was shut tightly. He assumed that it came from still wearing his sweaty clothes, so he grabbed a towel and dragged his tired body into the bathroom.

His eyes scanned the room.

On the floor, his dirty laundry was piling up and the broken mirror stll leaned against the wall, because Jungkook had not yet found time to or felt like replacing it.

In that moment, he was even glad that he hadn't, because he was afraid of seeing his reflection. Afraid of what pictures would might hunt him when he looked in it.

He turned the water on and peeled his sticky clothes off, revealing his already bruised up knees.

“Maybe I have overdone it” he mumbled to himself, remembering what Jimin had said to him earlier that day.

Before entering the shower cabin, Jungkook cracked his head and rolled his shoulders back a few times. The first few seconds under the warm beam felt really relaxing, but soon, cold shivers ran down his spine.

At first he thought that maybe the boiler broke down, but the steam rising in the air told him otherwise.

The water was hot, but he felt cold inside.

He felt cold and empty and hollow. Like something was missing. Something that would make him whole.

Brushing over the fogged glass of the shower cabin, Jungkook leaned his forehead against it as the hot water ran down his back.

What is it that you're missing, Jungkook? You have a mother, friends that care about you. You have school. You have work.

You can't be off that bad. Get yourself together.

But what am I missing? A girlfriend? Compassion? Sympathy?

Or maybe just somebody who I can talk to without fearing to be left alone?

Is it that? Am I alone?

Jungkook closed his eyes against the voice in in head. He suddenly felt dizzy and he knew that it was probably because of the boiling hot water he was standing under. But, as the pain became unbearable, it started to clear his mind and he turned it off.

With a sigh he grabbed his towel and slung it around his hips as small droplets of water ran down his trained chest. Before he stepped out of the cabin, he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the glass. Those weren't his eyes looking back at him.

Those were the eyes of a ghost from his past.

Jungkook quickly shook his head to get the image out of his mind, sending drips of water flying around the room.

“You're seeing ghosts, Jungkook” he told himself, slapping both his cheeks at the same time. “You're exhausted and you just need some sleep.”

As much as he told himself that he was seeing things, he couldn't deny his heart pounding rapidly in his chest.

Back in his room, he slipped into a pair of his favorite black sweatpants and flung himself onto his bed.

He had to admit that, despite having the feeling that he still didn't get better at dancing, he had a lot of fun with Jimin. He was glad that both of his friends were balls of sunshine. They shone so bright that sometimes they even shone enough for the three of them and he forgot his past.

But at night, when he was alone and there was nobody to spend light to him, every single, painful memory came rushing back.

It's simple science. The brighter the light, the darker the shadow.

And that was Jungkook's life in a nutshell.

While in thoughts, he placed one of his hands on his chest. It was a simple relaxation technique he had been taught when he was younger. Becoming aware of your breathing and regulating it.

Even though he tried his best to calm down, the image of the eyes he had seen in the reflection earlier wouldn't let him rest. His other hand moved up to his mouth and he started biting on his nails.

It was a habit he had developed after leaving his hometown Busan to come to Seoul with his mother. After leaving all of his friends and his familiar surroundings behind, he had become sort of restless.

It started with biting his nails and having difficulties to fall asleep and ended up in periodic insomnia and not being able to spent his sleepless nights inside. If he couldn't go out and breathe in some fresh night air at times like this, he would feel locked up immediately and his chest would feel tight.

After a while, Jungkook's body finally