Hey~~ Thank you so much for the subs and comments! Sorry this took so long, I was having issues with my wifi and laptop in general. 

Jongin's heart is pounding ferociously against his rib cage. He's under the lights and cameras and he's doing everything he possibly can to keep a cool facade. It's hard... so incredibly hard. His every single move is watched by thousands of people... including Taemin. And he's extremely nervous, almost like when he was new to his fame. This is different, though. This is because he's unscripted and he can't stop thinking about the personal questions the MCs are asking.

He tries to hide his shaking hands in his lap as he smiles his best camera smile. Time has given him gifts when it comes to television and interviews. He just has to stay calm and continuously reassure himself.

"What is your ideal type?" one of the MCs ask, smiling at the camera flawlessly. Jongin's thankful that he's shy, in a weird way, because his reluctance to answer could be blamed on it. He listens as the others answer, and he thinks to formulate a response.

"My ideal type is someone with a pure heart and is passionate about their work," he answers smoothly. He's thought about this question before, so it's no surprise. He can handle it. But the next question from the MCs startle him.

"Hmm... you say 'someone' rather than 'a girl.' Is there any particular reason for that?" an MC asks curiously, and Jongin knows he's fallen into a trap.

"No," he says with finality. "It was a slip of the tongue. My ideal type is a girl with a pure heart and who's passionate about her work." He supposes it's true, to an extent. It would be ideal if he was in love with a girl rather than his best friend. But he honestly can't imagine not loving Taemin, despite all the pain he's been through because of it. He can't voice any of this to the media, though. Especially not when same couples are such a touchy subject in Korea. 

"Oh, okay," the MCs say. "We were just wondering about the rumors circulating about you and SHINee's Lee Taemin. What do you have to say on the matter?"

"Taeminie is my best friend," he answers, but knows it won't be enough, so he elaborates before they speculate more. "Out of all the people in the world, Taemin is the one I can count on the most. He taught me a lot of the dancing I know now while we were trainees, and he's gotten me through tough times before. He's both a best friend and a mentor to me." 

"But you two spend quite a lot of time together, right?" one asks with an eyebrow cocked. 

"Yes, that's true," he replies with a laugh. "We spend most of our free time together, but we don't do anything very exciting. Sometimes we play video games, but we mostly are dancing or eating." 

His heart is racing again. This is more like an interrogation than an interview in his mind and one wrong answer, one slip of the tongue, and it's over. He has to be careful. Every single word is important here, and he has to tread carefully. The pressure he feels is enormous and heavy, like it's weighing him down into the seat. He can't show any of it, though, so he hides it behind a well-practiced smile. 

"How well would you say you know him?" another MC asked.

"I know him better than anyone else," he replies easily. That one wasn't that tough, he thinks. Maybe he's past the hardest part. 

"Would you date him if he was a girl?" the other MC asks deviously. I jinxed it...

He tries to look as if he's deep in thought (which isn't really hard) because he's really trying to think of what to say. He hopes the media interprets it as surprise, like he's never even considered dating him before. He forces his facial features to match that image he wants them to see. "I don't know, maybe?" he answers. Before they can hound him, he continues. "But I like him the way he is. He's my best friend for a reason. If he was a girl... we wouldn't be the same."

"Oh," the MC says as if he wasn't expecting this kind of an answer.

Jongin prays it's enough to dispel rumors, because he's not sure how much more he can take. This interview is so hard for him because he's piecing together fragments of the truth and coating them with lies. He can feel the weight of them as if they are pressing him to his seat. He feels heavy, and he doesn't like it. All he wants is to come clean with his feelings, but he knows that isn't possible. He's trapped in this terrible trap of always feeling negative about something. It scares him, but he flashes a blinding smile to the cameras and puts as much happiness into it as he can.

"Well, I guess that's it, everybody. Taemin and Kai are not dating. Both are free for the taking, ladies. We'll hear from the rest of the members after this short break."

Jongin smiles and laughs as genuinely as possible, doing his best to look like a carefree young idol. The media loves it when he's like this, so he can only hope that they can't see through him. He lets out a shaky breath once they switch to commercials. It's made of a temporary relief. He knows that this won't go away, though. It'll come up time and time again, if not tonight, then tomorrow. It always does, no matter how much he wishes it wouldn't. 

…

Taemin's suddenly feeling nervous as he watches the turn the interview took. He knows that after they're done asking Kyungsoo about his ideal type, they'll move onto Jongin sitting next to him. He's positive that he doesn't want to hear Jongin's responses, but he can't bring himself to turn off the TV. Maybe it's out of curiosity or maybe it's out of adoration for Jongin's smile, but he doesn't turn it off. He knows it's probably not the best idea, given what's been happening between them, but he really can't bring himself to do it. He doesn't want to listen to Jongin's ideal type, but for some reason, he can't bring himself to turn the TV off.

His eyes are glued to Jongin and his heart races as he hears the questions asked. He's not too surprised, he thinks, at the "someone" thing. Jongin honestly seemed genuine when he said he isn't completely straight. So the mistake makes sense... and the response from the MCs also makes sense. But the next question they ask is the one he really wishes he could tune out. 

"We were just wondering about the rumors circulating about you and SHINee's Lee Taemin. What do you have to say on the matter?"

Taemin's pulse is racing behind his ears, and he feels a mix of anticipation and dread as he waits for Jongin's reply. When he hears it, though, he's actually very pleased. He loves it that Jongin thinks so highly of him, and it does relax him a little. It's not so bad now that they aren't asking about romance particularly. He almost feels content with the interview until he hears the last question.

"Would you date him if he was a girl?" Taemin's heart clenches at the way-too-personal question and bites his lip. He has no idea what he wants to hear, but it's not what Jongin says. Tears prick the corners of his eyes when he hears 'he's my best friend for a reason.' His face feels too hot as the tears begin to fall down his cheeks.

That's all they really are, isn't it?

Just friends. And suddenly he feels like an idiot. Jongin even said "I'll always be your best friend," and "that will never change" to reassure him this morning. How could he miss it? 

He turns off the TV and throws the remote to the ground. Tears are already overflowing from his eyes, a mix of frustration and heartache. He can't decide which is dominant as a sob tears through his throat. 

He's so stupid to think that Jongin means anything more than what they already have. He's so incredibly stupid. 

Just friends... just friends. He hates those words because they hurt way more than they should. He should be happy that he has a friend like Jongin. Why isn't he content with what he has? 

It's unfair. He knows it's irrational, ridiculous, and stupid, but who ever said love wasn't those things?

Love hurts when it's not returned. He should know this by now. He's spent years in this trap of being loved but not being loved back in the same way. His lower lip trembles and he feels like he's falling apart with every tear that spills down his cheeks. He's never felt so broken and lost before. He can't hold back anything. His sobs increase in volume and he scrunches his eyes closed in a useless effort to stop crying. 

It doesn't work. It just adds to the pain he's already lost in. He punches his fist to the bed uselessly. He's angry at Jongin for not reciprocating his feelings. He's angry at himself for feeling that way to begin with. And most importantly, he's angry that he can't stop the endless stream of tears and uncontrollable sobs. 

He's shaking and cold, even as he buries himself in blankets. Normally he can find some semblance of comfort in their warmth, but he feels nothing. He's every bit as heart broken as before, and he feels so alone. There's nobody to hold him when he cries because the only person who could doesn't understand anything. 

I can't keep doing this, he thinks. I need space from Jongin.

The thought alone aches in a new way. He feels hopeless, like every choice leads to heartache and pain. Maybe they do. He's not sure anymore.

He quivers in his bed until the tears dry up. Minutes pass painfully as he lays there locked in his haze of grief. After maybe an hour of staring at the ceiling, his eyes fall closed, weary from the crying. He feels the exhaustion straight to his bones until he's in a dreamless, empty sleep.

It's a few hours later when he wakes to his phone ringing. He knows who it is before he even opens his eyes because who else would it be? But he doesn't want to answer. He'll just make up some excuse later. Jongin is not what he needs when he's like this. He rolls over and wishes he could just sleep again. Sleeping is his only reprieve from the aching of his heart.

He honestly tries to ignore his phone, but it's impossible when it keeps ringing like that. He sits up reluctantly and the call ends as he lifts up his phone. Of course he misses the call by mere seconds. It seems like he can't do anything right, and the timing is always off. He stares at the callback button, internally debating about whether or not he should call back when a voicemail notification pops up.

Does he really want to listen to it? If he's honest with himself, he doesn't want to hear Jongin's voice. He's not sure that he can take it, but he can't deny that he wants to know what he said, though.

He presses the play button with shaky fingers. 

"Hey, Taeminie... it's me. I've tried calling a couple times already. This isn't like you, so I'm a little worried. Is something wrong?" A pause. "If there is, please talk to me. I... uh... I..." He pauses, and Taemin wonders what he's about to say when he hears a sigh on the other end of the line. "Just call me whenever you get this, okay? Thank you..."

Why does Jongin sound so dejected and sad? Taemin immediately feels terrible for making him upset. Should he call him?

Yes, yes he should call him back. Jongin doesn't deserve to be ignored. Taemin does need to work through his emotions and sort himself out, but Jongin deserves to know for a fact that he's not going out tonight.

He knows that Jongin deserves a lot more than a phone call to cancel their plans, but he just can’t go out tonight. His thumb hovers over the call button as he thinks of what to say. Obviously he's not going to tell the truth. His voice is hoarse... maybe he can pull off being sick. He taps on call and waits numbly. 

It rings and rings and rings. Taemin thinks it's weird because it hasn't even been five minutes since Jongin left the voicemail.

"Hello, this is Jongin. I'm sorry that I'm unavailable. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can!" 

After the beep, Taemin sighs. "Jonginie, there's nothing I hate more than phone tag. Anyway... I'm not feeling very well. I'm sorry, I was napping when you called earlier. I'll call you when I'm feeling better, okay? Bye." 

He hangs up, wondering why Jongin didn't answer. It's extremely unlike him, especially given that he just recently called him. The more he thinks about it, the weirder it seems, and now he's a little worried. He thinks about how sad he sounded in the voicemail, and he knows he needs to be there for him, even if it hurts. He texts him a quick message simply saying "Hey."

He doesn't hear back after an hour, and he's pacing his room now. Damnit Jongin, he thinks internally. He wonders what's happening, because , Jongin never ignores his calls. Never. Not even when they're fighting. 

He's wracked with worry now. Nothing adds up. 

He tries calling again, and after a few rings, he hears, "Hello?" confusedly.

"Jongin?" Taemin asks quietly. It doesn't sound like him, but the connection is rather poor. 

"No, this is Kyungsoo. Jongin left his phone here by accident." His voice is bitter and reluctant.

"Do you know where he is?" Taemin asks, uncomfortable speaking to Jongin's roommate.

"No," Kyungsoo answered curtly. The younger between them gets the impression that he's lying, but doesn't push it.

"Um... is he upset?" Taemin inquires, hoping to get some answers, but feeling sick with uneasiness.

A rather loud sigh is all he can hear for a few heart beats. "It's not my place to say anything."

"Oh... okay," Taemin responds, swallowing nervously. His mind races as he thinks of what could have upset Jongin. "Just tell him to call me when he gets in, okay?"

"Uh huh," Jongin's roommate mumbles. "Bye."

"Thank you, Kyungsoo," he whispers. The other hangs up on him, and Taemin doesn't blame him. There's a mutual distaste they have for one another. He supposes it's due to the fact that they both are very close with Jongin in a more than friendly way. And Taemin hates the idea that Jongin is just as close to Kyungsoo as he is with him. If Kyungsoo thinks the same way, it makes sense. But one question lingers in his mind... are they already dating? 

The thought makes him cringe because it's honestly the last thing he needs to think about. It's just another thing that leads to more heartache and confusion. He wants to hide away from everything; his feelings, his tears, his own friends. He wants to be alone, but doesn't at the same time.

He wants to be comforted... by Jongin. That's the problem.

Jongin.

He hates this. He hates these negative feelings because everything is dark and dim and cold. He wishes that he could wave a wand and forget this pain. All he wants is to be happy and not feel so much anguish and heartache.

Kim Jongin, you are going to be the death of me, he thinks solemnly as tears start to reform in his still puffy eyes.

…

Kyungsoo is half tempted to throw the phone out the window when he notices that it's Taemin calling. That's the last thing he needs when he's in the middle of an emotional storm. All of them are upset and uneasy at the most recent news of Tao. Everything's a mess and then Taemin's there, ready to add to it. 

He's too emotionally exhausted to feel much more than numb, but Jongin... Jongin was a different story. Tears pricked his eyes when he said he was going out. Kyungsoo let him go because he knew exactly where he'd be. Jongin's always taken comfort in dancing, and this isn't any different than with Yifan and Luhan. It's been hours since he left, though, and now Kyungsoo sits in his room wondering if he should have tried to comfort him, even though he's trying to keep his distance. He feels conflicted over everything Jongin related... he's always second guessing himself.

It's nearing midnight now, and still his roommate hasn't returned. Kyungsoo knows that Jongin needs to dance his pain away, but he can't help but worry.

He tries to lay down and sleep. It takes about an hour, despite how exhausted he is, for sleep to finally claim him.

His dreams are peaceful, but in a horrible way. They are memories of when times were good. Luhan and Yifan are there, joking around and laughing. Jongin is there, too, with a smile on his face. All twelve of them are playing and having a great time. He remembers the closeness they had, and the memories are too bittersweet. 

That's why he wakes with tears streaming down his cheeks. Next to him is a still empty bed.

The nostalgia of the bittersweet memories breaks him, even when he's been trying so hard to hold it together. He feels the pain of their loss harder than he's ever felt it before. Tears cascade down his cheeks and sobs fill the silence of the room. He doesn't want to lose Tao, and he doesn't want to feel sad anymore. He misses being happy when there were twelve of them and before his relationship with Jongin got complicated. He misses the way they used to be. 

Suddenly, everything hurts and he can't make it stop. Joonmyun from the room across comes running after a few seconds of hearing his sobs. He doesn't even hesitate to climb into the bed with him and comforts him. "Shhh, it's okay," Joonmyun mutters, holding him as reassuringly as he can. "I'm here," he whispers into Kyungsoo's hair as he rubs reassuring circles into his back. 

They sit like that for hours until Kyungsoo calms down enough to talk to him. Everything spills out. Every single emotion he has been keeping locked away about both Jongin and the loss of their members. Joonmyun simply listens and wipes away his tears. He shares with Kyungsoo about his own pain, too, before they're both too exhausted to stay awake. Kyungsoo falls asleep feeling genuinely reassured. Joonmyun's presence makes him feel safe and cared for. He appreciates it so much. 

That's his last thought before he's finally in a relaxed slumber. 

Hello~ First of all, I'd like to shower you in thank yous! I didn't expect this story to get such an outstanding reception. I'm speechless! You all are wonderful and fantastic and wow, I'm rambling. 

Okay. I need to stop myself. Thank you so much!

Hmm... I'm not sure how to start this. Since I'm still so new to this site, it takes me quite a bit of motivation to post it on here. You definitely provide it, I promise! Archive of Our Own is much easier for me, though, since I've used it for years. I'll continue to post things on here, of course, but I do post things on AO3 first (since I've already got that down pat.) My computer is also really slow with this website, too, so AO3 is easier. 

Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is that I post everything one chapter ahead on AO3. So chapter four just went up over there while chapter three is up here. So if you want chapter four a few days in advance, here's the link on AO3!