Jongin sits in the room he shares with Kyungsoo and finds himself bored. He sighs as he stares up at the ceiling to his room. He tosses a random coin up in the air and catches it in his hand before tossing it again. This isn't very normal for him; he usually spends all of his down time in the dance studio practicing. He isn't sure why, but he doesn't feel like it today. A knock on the door startles him upright on his bed. "Come in," he says just loud enough to be heard.

Joonmyun pokes his head in with a slightly worried face. "Hey," he says, opening the door wider. "Are you alright?" he asks softly.

"I'm just bored," Jongin responds lamely. He smiles softly because he thinks it's sweet how Joonmyun always checks up on everybody.

"It's not like you to be here rather than the studio when you're bored," he points out as he sits on Kyungsoo's bed across from Jongin's.

"I know, but I don't feel like dancing right now," he answers, hoping his friend won't pester him.

"Okay," Joonmyun replies, still staring at Jongin with concern in his eyes. "Do you want to join us? SHINee's on TV in an interview," he suggests.

"Sure," Jongin says without much thought. He stands up to follow him out to the main room of their dorm. He hopes that he's eased everyone's worries by going to the living room. He hates it when he's fussed over, or the center of attention. He smiles in hopes to further ease his friends as he takes a seat next to Kyungsoo.

"Hey," Baekhyun to the other side of him greets. "Look, it's Taemin's turn to talk."

That gets Jongin's attention. His head snaps up and he focuses on the screen. 

"-had to dispel many rumors," Taemin says, smiling shyly. "I'm not dating Kai of EXO." 

The members around him all start laughing, and a knot forms in the pit of his stomach. He tries to not show it, but this topic makes him horribly uncomfortable. He tunes out Taemin's explanation of skinship because he's heard it a thousand times and he has repeated it a thousand more. Hearing those words again would only make him feel worse than he already does.

We're only friends, he thinks for the millionth time.

His heart hurts though. Taemin's been his friend for such a long time, but he wants so much more than just friendship. I wish I wasn't in love with you, he thinks somberly. Suddenly he doesn't want to sit out here anymore, but he looks up and sees Taemin's face on the screen and decides that he'll stay, if only to see his face for one more minute. Seeing the man he's in love with on the screen makes his heart pound with a mix of so many incomprehensible emotions. He tries to tune out the words he hears, but can't.

"-my ideal type of girl is someone with a kind image and cute appearance."

Jongin sighs unknowingly, and Kyungsoo next to him gives him a knowing look, like he completely understands what Jongin is going through. It unnerves him, just a little, and he tries to ignore everything again. He's relieved when they move on to Key. Kyungsoo nudges Jongin's shoulder comfortingly, and he still has that look on his face. He's curious as to why Kyungsoo is acting so reassuring because Jongin knows he's not that obvious. Or is he? He hopes not because this isn't something he can allow to leak out. He doesn't think Kyungsoo would do it on purpose, but Jongin can't help but worry. He could lose his friendship with Taemin if he isn't careful.

After about thirty minutes, the program ends uneventfully. He starts heading back to his room and finds that he isn't alone. Kyungsoo is right behind him, smiling bitter-sweetly. He decides now might be a good time to figure out how much his hyung knows. He opens the door and holds it open for him.

"Thank you," the older says as he sits on his bed.

"You're welcome, hyung," Jongin replies, moving to sit on his bed.

Jongin expects to be the one to bring it up. Instead, it's Kyungsoo. "Jongin, um... is there something going on between you and Taemin?" he asks uncertainly, not even meeting his gaze.

Jongin doesn't know how to answer. He wants somebody to confide in, but he isn't sure how to express his feelings for Taemin, either. Finally, Kyungsoo looks at him, expecting an answer. Every time he tries to form a response, it dies in his throat.

"There is," Kyungsoo says sadly.

Sadly?

"No, there isn't," he says finally. "He and I are just friends."

"But you want to be more, don't you?" Kyungsoo questions, still holding Jongin's gaze.

"No," he lies, hoping that he will believe it. He clearly doesn't.

"You do, don't try and lie to me, Jongin. I know you too well," Kyungsoo says indignantly. A frown creases his features and he crosses his arms.

At this point, he doesn't see a point in trying to keep the lie up. He knows how exhausting and heavy it's been bottling it up, and maybe confiding in his roommate will help ease some of his heartache. A sigh slips past his trembling lips and he concedes. "Yes, you're right," he whispers hoarsely. "But I can't be anything other than his friend."

Kyungsoo looks so pained. Jongin doesn't understand what is happening right now, but he hopes that his hyung will feel better. He isn't bringing the mood down, is he? "I understand more than you'd think," he replies softly. "I'm sorry you're going through this." He moves over to with his arms open for a hug. Jongin returns the embrace gratefully, and to his surprise, he feels hot tears leaking from his eyes. When did he start crying? He doesn't know. Before he realizes it, he's a mess and Kyungsoo is his shoulder to cry on. His hyung just holds him and murmurs words of comfort while rubbing his back.

The pain of his unrequited love is all he can really focus on, though. It feels as if there are a thousand needles in his chest. He can't breathe, he can't think, and he can't feel anything but their sting. Words, unidentifiable to him or his hyung, stream endlessly from his lips. How long had he been holding this back?

Years, he remembers. Since they were still trainees. Before Taemin debuted.

Too long. It's been too long.

He isn't sure how much time passes, but when he's back in control of his emotions, he feels horrified. He's never broken down like that in front of anyone before... not even his parents. He feels and it scares him. "I'm sorry," he apologizes. "I don't know what came over me. I'm so sorry, Kyungsoo."

"It's okay," his roomate replies softly. He still looks grim in Jongin's eyes and it worries him.

"Are you okay? I didn't upset you, did I?" he asks carefully. His eyes take in the way his hyung avoids eye contact and tries to shield his face.

"I'm fine, Jongin. Thanks for asking, though," Kyungsoo replies in a strained voice.

"Are you sure?" he persists out of concern mixed with the desire for something other than his own emotions to focus on.

"I'm sure," he says with a smile. "But I'm tired. Do you mind if I go to bed early?"

Jongin doesn't argue. He knows that if he pushes too much, it'll only annoy him. He stands up to leave with the destination of the studio in mind. Before he leaves the room, he says, "If there's ever anything you want to talk about, I'm here."

"I know, Jongin... I know." With that, he leaves the room, wondering if things are really alright or not.

When he gets to the dance studio, he turns the music up so loud that he can feel the bass beneath his feet. He wants to lose himself in their beats, the pounding of the floorboards. He doesn't want to be able to think or feel anything other than the rhythm of the music. He becomes the music when he's like this, because being the embodiment of something else means he can pretend that he doesn't have any problems to face. He isn't Kim Jongin, in love with his best friend who will never love him back. No. He's Kai. He's the well put together dancer who oozes confidence and nonchalance.

Hours pass like a blur. All he knows is that he's suddenly exhausted, and he doesn't have the energy to go back home. He debates sleeping inside the dance studio but knows he'll be more sore than he'd like to admit if he sleeps on the hardwood. He looks around for a chair and is pleased to find a fold up one in the corner. He pulls it out and picks up his discarded sweatshirt. The makeshift pillow will have to do. He falls asleep within seconds of closing his eyes, too tired for dreams to invade his sleep.

…

Taemin feels sick when he steps off the stage. He hates explaining his relationship with Jongin. Every time those words fall from his mouth is like spewing vomit. The worst part is that he's not even lying, in Jongin's eyes. Those words were originally his, not Taemin's. That must mean they are true, at least on his end. He hates it. He hates that he's in love with his best friend because he can never act on his feelings without risking what he already has with Jongin. Would he be disgusted with Taemin if he knew?

He's scared. Everytime he thinks about it, it's so unpredictable. There are so many things that could go wrong, so many different reactions Jongin could have. And these also make his stomach churn.

"Taeminie, are you okay?" Onew asks, snapping him from his internal turmoil.

"Mhmm. I'm just tired," he answers, wishing he was alone and had privacy. He wants to let himself break down and cry; to let loose for a change.

"Okay," Onew replies, but he clearly doesn't believe in Taemin's answer. He's just humoring him. He probably decided that if it was important, then Taemin would bring it up. How wrong that train of thought is.

Taemin falls silent and tries to compose himself better, but it's more difficult now that he doesn't have the pressure of the cameras in his face, watching his every blink, his every breath. "I think I'm going to visit Jongin," he says.

"Really? Taeminie, it's too late! He's probably asleep already," Jonghyun comments, draping an arm over the younger's shoulders. "You should go home!"

He's not sure why he wants to see Jongin so badly. It's not like seeing him will change anything. It'll just hurt more to see what he can't have. Maybe I'm a masochist, he thinks bitterly. "Okay," he answers his hyung. "I'll just go home. I am pretty tired after all."

The entire ride home, he feigns sleep. He doesn't want to talk or feel the obligation to speak. His mood is brought down and he finds it almost impossible to bring it back up. Not right now, he thinks. Tomorrow. 

When they arrive at his place, he pretends to be sleepy and half awake. He ignores the teasing he gets from the other members about his sleepiness and leaves the car, rubbing his eyes as if he's tired. With each step that brings him closer to his door and further from his band mates, he's relieved. He's alone now, and he doesn't have to hide his emotions. Before he's even unlocked the door, teardrops fall onto his hands.

"Jongin," he whispers painfully in the dark of his apartment. The name leaves a bittersweet taste on his tongue. He doesn't even make it past the entryway before he's broken down into a fit of sobbing. Acting so cool and collected for the media is exhausting and it's weighing on him. His self control, his facade is nothing but a snapped rubber band. He falls with his back to the wall and slumps to the floor. He aches inside, a throbbing kind of pain that no amount of pain medications can fix. The sobs rip through his throat and he buries his face in his cold hands in an in vain attempt to calm down. 

He knows that he needs to talk to someone, but he has no idea how to bring it up. It's so much easier to deny his pain, to pretend he's okay even when he's clearly not. He's not used to letting people in that far, and it unsettles him. He wants to trust people more, but it's so hard. And the one person he can say he truly trusts is the one person who can never know about this side of him and this pain he carries. 

A swirl of chaotic emotions overtake him, and he can't respond in any other way than with more salty tears and heartbroken sobs. His head pounds violently against his temples, and he knows it's time to go to sleep before it claims him while he's on the floor of his entryway. He musters up the strength to stand, albeit while trembling, and stumbles to the couch. He doesn't bother with blankets or a pillow. Within a few minutes, the tears dry up and he falls into a dreamless sleep. 

…

Kyungsoo is relieved when Jongin doesn't come back. He's finally allowed some alone time. Watching Jongin break down like that was so hard. He did everything he could to hold it together, and he isn't even sure if he did a good job. Still, Jongin hadn't noticed. He doesn't know if he should be relieved that Jongin doesn't know or sad that he's too blind to tell. It's probably a mix between them as he goes back and forth from sad to angry.

He doesn't cry much, but his heart aches unbearably. He's starting to think he's somewhat numb to the pain by now.

Jongin is in love with Taemin, he thinks, hoping that by accepting it, he'll stop feeling this heartache. It doesn't do anything but amplify the pain. He wishes it would go away as more tears spill from his eyes. 

He stands abruptly and wipes his face. He needs to clean himself up. He can't afford to be caught looking like this because then he'd have to explain or lie, and he's not willing to do either of those. As he opens the door, he pleads silently that nobody is out and about. When he sneaks out of his room, he's pleased to find the hallway clear of people. With a sigh of relief, he walks quietly to the nearest bathroom. He flips on the lights and stares at his reflection.

His eyes are puffy and his nose is running a little. These both make it obvious he's been crying. He turns on the tap and washes his face with cool, fresh water. The water on his feverish skin feels akin to heaven. It almost feels like he's washing away the heartache. Water always makes him feel better. As he dabs his face dry with a face towel, he decides that he's going to be there for Jongin, no matter what comes of his relationship with Taemin. Kyungsoo doesn't want to lose what he has, and if it turns into something more, he'll leave it to fate.

Somehow, this eases most of the pain. He thinks it's because he's no longer fumbling around in the dark. At least he has something solid now. He goes back to the room he shares with the man he's in love with and waits for him to return.

He doesn't.

Now, he's worried. Jongin doesn't just disappear. Normally, he says where he's going. Then again, he normally is at the dance studio and everyone knows it because where else would he be? Kyungsoo waits another hour to see if he returns on his own.

He tries to sleep, but he can't stop worrying about Jongin. He tosses and turns, praying that he'll get his annoyingly handsome face out of his head to no avail. After another half hour, he's about to try calling his cell phone when he notices it lying on the bed across the room from where he's lying. Instantly, his worries intensify. He thinks of the billion possible scenarios that he could be in, and without a cell phone, he won't be able to contact anyone for help.

He stands up and throws on a sweatshirt before he rushes out the door. His first thought is the dance studio. It's roughly three in the morning... he hopes that Jongin isn't anywhere else because 'anywhere else' is infinitely more dangerous than the studio at this time. He starts jogging in the crisp air of the night. It's a bit longer than he likes, but the exertion feels nice. When he reaches the company, he runs to the dance studio. He really hopes that's where Jongin is, because if he's not there, Kyungsoo wouldn't have a clue where to look.

Breathing heavily from running, he opens the door slightly. The light is still on, but no music is playing. He opens the door further and smiles softly at what he sees. Jongin is fast asleep, sitting slumped in a flimsy fold-up chair. He sighs in relief. Jongin is safe and sound... and sleeping peacefully. He takes in the way the younger looks, though, and he frowns. Jongin's eyes are still a little puffy, and he's shivering slightly in his tank-top. His neck is bent in an awkward angle. Kyungsoo knows from experience that he'll wake up with a kink in his neck if he doesn't find a new sleeping position.

He also knows from past experiences that it isn't easy to wake Jongin up after he's overworked himself. He thinks of his options when he remembers that there are dorms here (mainly used by trainees.) He doesn't know which rooms are empty, but he does remember where they kept extra bedding. He goes out and grabs a few blankets and a couple pillows. With them in hand, he returns to the dance studio and begins to set up a makeshift bed for them to share. He's feeling extremely tired all of a sudden, which doesn't help.

Maybe it isn't sudden. Maybe he's just been ignoring it until now. Either way, he acknowledges it now and finds it hard to move. He's sluggish as he sets two blankets on top of each other to cushion the floor. He tosses the two pillows next to each other on the ground lazily. 

Now for the hard part. He looks to Jongin's sleeping face and finds it hard to look away. His breathing is light and his face looks all but angelic. He looks younger than he really is, almost like a little boy.

Sometimes Kyungsoo forgets that Jongin is younger than him. It's too easy to forget with the way he dances and his quiet personality. His stage presence as Kai is so impressively suave, too. Far beyond his years. He shakes his head as he realizes that he loves both 'Jongin' and 'Kai.' Both are precious to him. He smiles halfheartedly before gently nudging Jongin's shoulder. 

A soft groan fills the room as he stirs a little. He mumbles incoherent words and nuzzles his head to his sweatshirt, clearly not awake enough to move more than that. Kyungsoo tries again, this time a little harder.

"Mmm... what?" This time, Jongin's eyes open partially. On some level, he's awake. Probably not for long, knowing him.

"Here, lay down with me," Kyungsoo whispers softly. He guides Jongin to the floor, and his exhausted friend just goes with it. Within moments, he is fast asleep again. Kyungsoo is about to tuck him in when he realizes there are still shoes on his feet. He carefully takes them off before he takes off his own. He moves next to him on their bed for the night and finds it hard to be so close. Jongin's sleeping face is too beautiful, and his emotions are too raw to feel anything other than heartache. He pulls the blanket over them and rolls over onto his other side, as if that would put a barrier between them.

It takes only a few minutes for him to drift off. Unknowingly in his sleep, he moves closer to Jongin maybe for body heat or maybe it's his subconscious desire to be close to Jongin in particular. But either way, he doesn't notice as he's lost in his dreams.  

Thanks for reading! Here's chapter one for you. I'm in the process of editing the whole thing, but there's roughly six chapters planned out. It might be a little more or less after editing. Anyway, I'd love to hear what you have to say if you have the time!