Do things get better?

It's been nearly a year since I lost him. Around ten months ago, I felt myself in a place filled with desperation and loneliness. And I was at that place for a while. A long while. Even when I thought that I had left that pain, the memories would hit me and knock me back down again.

But after a while, you get tired of it. You get tired of being in the same old place, feeling the same old feelings. While I was in that pit of depression, I learned so many things about myself. I learned that I could hide my emotions so well. It was getting scary. I was starting to scare myself. I bottled in so many feelings for so long...I was at the point of no return. One simple thing could make me fall over the edge. And did I fall over? 

Kind of.

I should probably say that I see Soonyoung a lot. Everyday actually. And after seeing him so many times in a day, I just grew used to it. In the beginning, it hurt so much just to see a glance of the tuft of his hair, or a flash of those eyes that used to look at me like there was nothing more important in the world but me. Each time I saw him, the memories would come at me like a hurricane. I could never find the eye of the storm without my best friend's help. Months had already passed. People around me tried to help. "He wasn't worth it.", "You're better off without him anyways." I'm sorry to everyone who had to deal with who I was back then. Because for so long, I suffered in silence. And one October night, I suffered the toll of bottling up my feelings.

I thought I had grown used to seeing Soonyoung so much even after our split. But ha, was I wrong. 

I was downtown, just having a night to myself. I figured that if the company of other people didn't help me just yet, I might as well spend some "me" time. And I admit, it was pretty great spending some alone time. Because I had spent seven months sharing my life with another individual. During those seven months, I felt pained when I wasn't with my significant other. We spent so much time with each other that we barely parted. And when we were separated, we felt so alone. I guess that wasn't very healthy. But I enjoyed my newfound freedom. Because I was single, I didn't have to check in with anyone. I don't have to consider anyone else's schedule in order to plan my activity for that day or night. I honestly enjoyed it so much. It was one of the greatest things I discovered about myself.

However, those good feelings were suddenly held to a stop. I saw Soonyoung. But... he wasn't alone. He was walking down the street. Coming towards the coffee shop that I was in. With a girl. A mutual friend of ours.

All at once, I was massacred with so many emotions. I felt betrayed, hurt, sadness, anger. Which confused me. Because who was I? Who was I to feel this way towards him? He wasn't mine anymore. Yet my logic failed to win over my heart. And I felt my heart breaking all over again. Wow. Second time huh? Great.

I tried to control my posture as they got closer. I was sitting by the window so I knew that they would definitely be able to see me. They entered the shop and ordered. Meanwhile, I busied myself with trying to look as unrecognizable as possible. Obviously I failed, because the girl he was with recognized me and came over to have a conversation. How wonderful. 

Of course Soonyoung had to come over as well. I could feel my heart tearing apart as he came over and sat down right across from me. I ignored him and chose to focus on the girl instead. She was a mutual friend, but I never really talked to her. She always came over to talk to me and give me hugs, but see... I'm not very fond of hugs from people I barely know and don't really like too much. I didn't want to hate her. But something inside me resented her for being the one that he was choosing next. It felt so unfair. 

Once they left my table, they sat relatively nearby. Ha. I see what you're doing Soonyoung.

Soonyoung openly flirted with her. And I felt a piece of my heart break off each time I saw. I stayed for a little longer to finish what I had ordered. I left as soon as I was done. My heart couldn't take the pain anymore. As I walked home, I cried in silence, and held my head down, hoping that no one would notice my sorrow.