But how did I do it?

I simply shut him out. I deleted anything that reminded me of him. Everything that once reminded me of him, I thought up of other things that could replace that memory. Even when I saw him, I trained myself to numb my feelings towards him. I found that instead of just thinking negative or positive thoughts about Soonyoung, I just wouldn't feel anything towards him. Because if I focused all my energy on giving him negative vibes, I would just be going back to square one and going back into depression and my dark thoughts. And that was not healthy for me. I also couldn't allow myself to only think positively about Soonyoung. I was trying to move on from him, and although positivity is often a good thing, it would not have helped my case and would have instead worsened it, letting me fall for him once more.

I distracted myself. Day and night, I used to think of Soonyoung. For almost two years, as his best friend and later his girlfriend, I spent almost all my time with him. He was my everything. But situations and people change. And that's completely fine. I just needed to learn how to adapt. My new environment no longer had Soonyoung in the picture. I replaced the time that I would use thinking about him, with hobbies that I loved: dancing, singing, reading books. I needed something to keep me occupied so that he was not all that I thought of. I also spent a lot more time with friends and family. I found that they became my best asset in forgetting the negative feelings that I was experiencing for so long.

Lastly, I learned how to love and accept myself. I stopped blaming myself for being the cause of the split. A relationship takes two people putting in effort. Although I may not have seen it then, I must've had faults that left Soonyoung wanting to split. For so long, I blamed myself for not being good enough, pretty enough or not putting enough effort. I saw myself in such a negative light that I just didn't want anymore of it. I had lost such an important person in my life. You see, Soonyoung wasn't just a boyfriend to me. He was my bestfriend. He was someone who I shared my deepest, darkest secrets with. And I was the one who saw sides of him that he would never show the outside world. Me and Soonyoung were so close that we knew everything about each other, from our daily schedule, to strange but small habits that we had. And when we fell in love, we wanted to grow up so fast. So that we could get married and live the rest of our lives together. We loved each other so hard, but it just wasn't enough.

I was so insecure. Even though I knew deep in my heart that Soonyoung loved me, I always had to verify it with him, whether it was jokingly or seriously. This annoyed Soonyoung but I thought that since he loved me, he wouldn't mind it very much. Soon this became a recurring trend. I would ask Soonyoung if he remembered our anniversary or if he loved me. I would ask him such redundant questions that sometimes he just ignored me to make me stop. We also fought quite a lot. They were petty and immature fights about the smallest and silliest things. But sometimes they were fights that had us ignoring each other for days. Although we would always make up, I could feel our relationship slowly deteriorating. Our passion was still there, but it was now focused on our arguments. And from then on, that's where we started to fall apart.  

After I came to accept that I also had a contribution in our split and that I was also still important even after being dumped, life got so much easier. I focused on my academics a lot more and got high marks, scoring a GPA of 4.16. I made myself so proud and achieved so much. I also focused on my talents. Dancing and singing were passions of mine. I practiced until I had painful calluses on my feet and my voice was almost gone. That's all I ever did. Practice and study.

During my time alone, I found myself. I found my dreams again. When I met Soonyoung, my dreams of becoming an idol disappeared. Suddenly, all I wanted in life was to be by his side. My priorities changed, and that affected my grades as well. But when I began my process of moving on, I suddenly found my passion again. And my dreams of becoming an idol returned. After six months, I had finally found my happiness once again.