I Hate You. I’m Sorry. I love you. Why do I say goodbye an love alone?

Caring. Overprotective. Impatient. Loving, Worried. Supportive. Kind. Those words describe my father perfectly. He has been the epitome of a fantastic dad, ever since I was born. He drove me to wushu practice each and every day, was supportive of my blooming career as a K-Pop idol since the start, and never failed to text me everyday to say that he and my mother loved me very much. They both were also very concerned about my injuries, even though I told them countless times that I knew what I was doing.

The issue of my contract with SM Entertainment had always been an issue between my father and I. He desperately wanted me to leave stardom behind and come home to rest and heal, but I wouldn’t have it. I loved EXO, my precious brothers, too much to leave it all behind for some injuries. But my father, he kept pushing the subject, arguing that the group was slowly draining me. I didn’t listen because I knew it wasn’t true.

Finally, his patience broke. My father wrote a long letter and posted it to Weibo. He wrote the same things that he’d been saying to me all these months that he wanted me to end my contract with EXO and come home to China. Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand his point and in some ways he is right, but I just cannot leave EXO. I’ve worked too hard to get here to just let it all slip through my fingers. It would be a waste of all the past years of hard work and memories to abandon it all now.

The letter from my father garnered plenty of attention from the media and fans around the net and led to the publication of countless articles, all with the painfully similar title “Tao Leaving EXO?”. If I could out rightly deny the rumors, I would have by now. But, SM Entertainment has forbidden any mention of the issue until further notice. It’s torture, knowing that my fans must be asking themselves so many questions yet I am unable to provide any answers. I desperately wish to talk to them, but I can’t. Heck, I can’t even walk properly.

And my alarm goes off. My eyes flash open and I’m lying in cold sweat. Sleep has been uncomfortable for me lately for my mind is constantly plagued with thoughts of the letter, the articles, and the anxious fans. The window between my and Minseok-hyung’s bed lets in the early morning sunlight and the chill. I groan as I sit up in bed and stretch my arms. I can hear rustling in the dorm hallway outside so I guessed the others must already be awake. Today they were performing for the Front Runner Stage and I was coming along, only to watch, on doctor’s orders. I was satisfied; I was glad I could be there to support them. My chest ached though, being the only member unable to help promote the new album EXODUS in my condition.

I hated being so weak, so helpless with these injuries. It was depressing, seeing my fellow band mates performing and trying there hardest on stage and at practice when I could only watch with longing eyes and a leg wrapped up in bandages, sitting there idly in a wheelchair and creaked under my weight. My brothers often told me that it wasn’t my fault and to not feel guilty, better to focus on healing. Their smiles were genuine and they did their best to help without babying me. I was truly grateful, but I would have given up anything to heal instantly and get up on stage with them once again.

“Good morning Tao-ah!” Kyungsoo said with a big smile, the corners of his large eyes crinkling.

“Good morning hyung” I replied with a smile as I rubbed my sleepy eyes, “Do you need help with breakfast?”

“It’s okay, we’re going to eat at the studio so just go get dressed, we’re leaving in twenty minutes,” He replied as he playfully tapped my arm.

I nodded and head off to the shower with my clothes. After quickly rinsing the sleep out of me and drying my hair, I slid on a pair of loose jeans and our white and black “Call Me Baby” t-shirt. I didn’t need to do much in the bathroom like style my hair because I wasn’t’ going on stage anyway. My chest ached, but I shook it off. I couldn’t look sad; I’d be worrying the others. After adding a black snapback and shades, I was ready to go.

Outside, Suho was waiting with a glass of water. A smile was on his face, but I could tell he didn’t get a lot of sleep.

“Good morning umma,” I said, jokingly using the nickname we all had for Suho.

“Good morning panda,” He replied, “Ready to go?”

I nodded my head. We walked out the front door to where the others were waiting in the car. I noticed that Suho had slowed down his usual quick pace to match mine and I smiled, grateful. Everyone was in the car, waiting patiently and chatting away. When I stepped into the van they all chirped good morning with a smile. I replied back just a cheerfully as I sat down between Kai and Chanyeol.

“Did you sleep well?” Baekhyun asked from the third row where Sehun was seated next to him.

“Yes, what about you hyung?” I replied.

“Good, but I’m nervous for today’s performance,” He mumbled sheepishly as he pushed the long hair out of his face.

“You’ll do great hyung, you all will,” I said with a grin.

“We’ll do this for you Tao-ah, fighting!” He replied with a big thumbs up.

…

The dressing room was a hectic mess before the performance was set to start. I c