^{_{. .}} eighteen ^{_{. .}}

The next day they enter the playground a little past eleven. Saeun immediately turns towards them, the previous conversation with her friends long forgotten as the excitement gets the better of her.

“I’m so glad you came!” she says, standing up and throwing her palms together.

Hyukjae halts next to the bench, hands tucked into his black bomber jacket’s pockets. Donghae stays right next to him, but he crouches down to pull up Jaemin’s jacket zipper properly.

“Sorry we’re a little late,” Donghae mutters as he stands back up, giving a side-eye to Hyukjae. “These two are impossibly slow to get going.”

Chuckling, Saeun takes a look around the playground, looking for her offspring before she hollers, “Hey kids! Come over here, I want to introduce you.”

A boy in green overalls raises his head, leaving his play truck in the sandbox, and a slightly taller girl with red cheeks follows soon after him.

Hyukjae watches the kids running for their mother, and stopping right next to their mother’s legs. The woman bends down on their level.

“Guys, this is Jaemin, she’s our neighbor,” she starts, turning her face towards Jaemin and the two men now. “This is Jun,” she taps her son’s shoulder, then her daughter, “And this is Minji. Jun is Jaemin’s age and Minji is five. Say hello to Jaemin, ok?” The kids shyly reply a ‘hello’ to Hyukjae’s daughter, who steps back against Donghae’s legs.

A soft smile lingers to Hyukjae’s lips, as he bends to encourage her. He knows she’s even shyer than Saeun’s children, and would need some reassurance.

“Jaemin?” he calls gently, looking the kid in the eye. “You can go play with Jun and Minji, ok? You can have some some fun.” He notices how Minji purses her lips in thought, before she takes a step towards Jaemin. Jaemin watches her from under her little frown, until Minji offers her hand to her.

“Come play with us? We can make a sandcastle together!” the older girl suggest, smiling.

Jaemin gives her father another, questioning look. She contemplates the matter, until Hyukjae nods with a smile.

“Go on,” he assures her, and she finally gives her hand to the other girl, following her to the sandbox.

With a relieved exhale, Hyukjae stands straight.

It takes a minute, but as Minji offers a yellow bucket for Jaemin to fill, the girl finally kneels down on the sand, and starts filling the bucket alongside her new friends.

“She’s so cute… I hope they become friends, it’s so much easier when there’s someone other than me having to entertain them,” Saeun says with a laugh.

“She’s a little shy. I don’t think she’s had friends before,” Hyukjae mutters back, finally relaxing enough to sit on the other bench, but the women on the other keep looking at them curiously, as Donghae sits next to him with a sigh, leaning his elbows against his thighs as they watch the kids play.

“Well, she has now, if it’s up to me,” Saeun grins.

Hyukjae realizes he’s been worrying over nothing. Saeun’s kids immediately take Jaemin into their circle as if they’ve always been friends. Jaemin is still not talking much, but at least she’s participating. It’s just a matter of time, before she’ll start babbling like no other. And having friends will definitely help with that.

“And now that the kids are gone, I can introduce you to the ladies here,” Saeun smirks, waving towards the same women Hyukjae remembers seeing there before as well. “So Hyukjae doesn’t need to be afraid of us anymore.”

Donghae snorts.

“Oh please,” Hyukjae groans, his cheeks warming up. “Would you stop reminding me about that?”

Saeun grins with a playful gleam in her eyes. She introduces the women, but the names go a little over Hyukjae’s head; as if he would remember them the next day. But he learns that the oldest of them, the one he knows as curls due to her hair, is actually Dabin. The one around Hyukjae’s age and whose face is always on full war paint, is Chaerin. The one with the kid always sleeping in the prams, is called Kiran, and Hyukjae comes to understand that she’s always there because the baby sleeps best outside, therefore giving the mother a long awaited moment of peace.

His neighbor continues, and despite the first impression she got about her (she was the one always reading a book), she really loves to talk.

“It happens we’re actually neighbors! We live in the same building, and the same floor!” Saeun’s hands go all over as she talks expressively, “So meet Hyukjae and Donghae, Jaemin’s dads from across the hall.”

Hyukjae’s head goes blank, and he can almost sense how Donghae’s body goes extremely rigid beside him.

Dads…?

Did she just…?

But the women on the next bench suddenly all go ‘ohhh’, and Saeun’s smile widens.

She thinks we’re… Hyukjae mulls, A couple?

“He’s your boyfriend?” Chaerin exclaims, stunned.

“Aww, that’s so cute!” Kiran replies in delight, looking at the two men with wide, excited eyes.

Dabin continues right away, but the words are too much for Hyukjae to comprehend.

He doesn’t have time to say anything back to them; the women are obviously too excited and about to swoon over the “fact”. Hyukjae’s stomach starts churning uncontrollably. Saeun has met them twice, and they’ve never even done anything that would implicate that they are a couple. But she has said it so confidently, that she really must think so. Did they really look like that to others? Did they really look like a couple?

Saeun notices the surprised look on Hyukjae’s face.

“Oh no, did you want to keep it a secret?” she gasps, a little apologetic, her hand going to cover in embarrasment, “They are totally fine with it, though,” she points towards the others.

Hyukjae stares at her for a minute, but he ends up snorting and letting out a laugh.

“It’s fine,” he says without thinking, and Donghae pokes his side with his elbow.

“Hyukjae!” the brunet hisses, his ears flaming red.

Donghae glowers at him, unbelieving that Hyukjae would go with it. But Hyukjae gives him a grin instead, against everything he would’ve thought. Hyukjae bites his tongue, the grin growing wider as his almond eyes gleam at him, playful. Donghae swallows as their gazes lock, his heart’s beat going erratic. What the heck is the other thinking? Why wouldn’t he deny the false accusation while he still had the chance?

Donghae grits his teeth as he clasps his fingers around Hyukjae's sleeve. The anger is building up on his throat, as Hyukjae's behavior doesn't make any sense to him. Why is he doing this? Why doesn't he correct them? He stares at Hyukjae, as if waiting for an explanation, but it seems as if Hyukjae finds the whole thing amusing.

Hyukjae gazes down on Donghae's hand, and suddenly he's not really sure what he's doing when he pulls his hand off from Donghae's grasp—only to put their hands back together as he slips his fingers through Donghae's. He lifts his eyes back up to meet the younger's confused expression. Donghae's palm is a little cold to touch, but everything else about it ends up warming him inside.

At first, Donghae's obviously hesitant to hold his hand, as he keeps clenching his jaw, about to nag. But Hyukjae gives him a slight squeeze and the younger starts slowly relaxing into it. Hyukjae hears how the brunet lets out a wavering breath, causing his insides to palpate, and his stomach to swirl. Is it supposed to feel like that?

And when Donghae allows himself to finally look at him, Hyukjae flashes him a little nervous, apologetic kind of a smile. He can't help himself. The thoughts that have been daunting him before are starting to dissolve, and the uncertainty about his feelings are finally settling piece by piece. It's not what he thought it would feel like.

The warmth that spreads along his body every time when he's around Donghae is suddenly making more sense.

He feels something for the man. The emotions are not loud and clear like thunder, but something fragile, yet constantly growing inside him, settling slowly on place like thousand pieces of a puzzle.

"What are you doing?" Donghae hisses, his voice barely a whisper.

"Holding your hand?"

"W-why?"

"Because I... I wanted to," he whispers back, trying not to give the women a reason to get their attention back to them. He's glad that they have already found another subject to talk about. "You’re supposed to be my boyfriend, after all." It’s also supposed to be a joke, as he gives the other a smirk – but saying it out loud makes it feel nothing like a joke.

Donghae bits his lips, when Hyukjae brushes over the younger's thumb with his own.

What is he trying to do? Why is he like this? Why would he let his neighbor think that they are a couple?

For some reason, Donghae can’t find any words to say. His heart rate is going up to the roof, but he doesn’t pull his hand away. He lets Hyukjae hold his hand, despite the turmoil and the desire to curse at him. But he doesn’t.

Why did Saeun think so in the first place? They've done nothing to indicate that. But as he thinks it further, he has to admit that they have certain chemistry. Even if it's been a long time, they're no strangers to each other. They were close once. They might be tip-toeing around each other because they’re still not exactly friends, yet their interaction has always been somewhat domestic. And they are living together, as of now. Donghae realizes that when Jiah attacked Hyukjae, he didn’t think twice what he was doing. The worry over the other was evident that day, and it wasn’t something he could’ve hid well. He hadn’t thought how his actions would have seemed in other people’s eyes, and in that moment, the love he felt for Hyukjae probably shone through his worry.

But he is a little irritated how Hyukjae took Saeun’s words so lightly, but he can’t help but wonder how it would be if those words were actually true. If they really could be Jaemin’s parents together; if Jaemin would see him as his other father; and if Hyukjae would be his boyfriend.

And to think about it, what's really been going on Hyukjae's head since his confession? Nothing he's done during the past few days has indicated that he has a problem towards Donghae's uality. Hyukjae has, as a matter of fact, been acting quite opposite to it, although a bit strangely. He doesn’t really share anything – and he’s usually the straightforward one that doesn’t have any filters. He just says what comes first to mind, but now, he hasn’t acted like that. It’s as if he’s pondering every word before he says it. And the look in his eyes is different; there’s a new layer in the almond eyes, and constantly some wonder in them. It feels like the other is always watching him, trying to figure something out.

Donghae isn’t confident enough to think that his confession would’ve really impacted Hyukjae, but he’s slowly starting to think if he might be wrong about that. Is it possible that Hyukjae is looking at him differently because he knows Donghae had feelings for him? How did it actually make him feel?

Should he bury his fears, and ask what’s going in his stupid head, even if it might hurt? What if there is a chance that Hyukjae isn’t as straight as Donghae thinks he is? Because of how Hyukjae’s been acting lately, let alone the fact that he’s still holding his hand, it would be a lie to think that nothing has changed between them. There is a distinguishable transformation in the air, and Donghae finds himself desperate for the truth.

 

An hour later, when Jaemin is beat from the sandbox plays in the outdoors – causing Hyukjae to carry her all the way home – they finally reach his apartment.

During the past hour, they haven’t talked much. They are both feeling the after effects of Saeun’s wrong guess about their relationship status, but Donghae’s having none of it. He helps the yawning girl to take off her outer clothes, before she stumbles towards the living room, climbing on the couch as if she would really have any energy left to watch tv. But the brunet lets her do as she wishes; she’s probably going to fall asleep before she knows it. And it’s just what he wants, because he needs to talk with the father.

He takes off his jacket, his lower lip tucked between his teeth as he dithers about it, building up the strength for the conversation. He doesn’t even know what he wants to say, but when he sees Hyukjae starting to march after the girl, he grabs the guy’s shirt, stopping him.

“Wait.”

Hyukjae raises his eyebrow, halting a few steps away from Donghae, but he takes one back as he sees the wavering expression on the younger’s face. He knows he should’ve seen it coming; that Donghae probably didn’t take his ‘joke’ so well. But he sees the look on his face, and he’s suddenly not so sure anymore. Hyukjae eyes the fingers around his shirt, and the younger takes a deep inhale.

“What was that?” Donghae starts with a low, a bit shaky tone.

“What was?” Hyukjae retorts, looking the other straight in the eye even if he knows exactly what Donghae means.

“You know what I’m talking about.”

He stares the other deep in the eyes, and he can’t help but feel a little threatened under Donghae’s dark watch. It’s not that he’s angry; maybe a little irritated, yes, but it’s mostly something else. It’s almost electric.

Hyukjae opens his mouth, but he ends up biting his tongue.

“It’s… It was just a joke, okay?” he blabbers, yet he doesn’t even believe himself.

“A joke,” Donghae repeats.

“I wasn’t trying to—,” Hyukjae swallows, his heartbeat getting louder every passing second, “I don’t know why I—”

“Why did you go with it?”

“I...” Hyukjae’s head is blank, because he doesn’t find any right words. He isn’t exactly lying, but it’s not what he really thinks about it. Donghae has managed to make him feel so insecure again, and it’s blocking him.

The younger’s eyes are hypnotizing; he can’t remember seeing the exact look before, and it’s messing up with all the remaining sense he still has left.

“Hyukjae,” Donghae demands, pushing the other against the hallway wall with his mere attitude. “Talk to me. I need to know what you’re thinking! I’m tired of guessing and trying to figure you out. You say you’re fine with the way I feel, but are you really? Just tell me damn truth. I need your honesty.”

There’s a mixed glimmer in Donghae’s eyes blended with concern and a tint of unsaid hope.

Hyukjae opens and shuts his mouth a few times, before the words just fall of his mouth without filters.

“Before you said you loved me... I’ve never questioned anything. I didn’t need to,” he says the things that first come to his mind, and he doesn’t think any of the possible consequences.

“But now everything’s different; I have Jaemin and I can’t live my life the way I used to. Everything’s upside down and you’re just adding more and more questions into my head. You’re in my life, against all the odds, and I… It’s better because of you,” Hyukjae pauses for a moment, swallowing despite the fact that his mouth feels dry and his insides are swirling more than ever before. “I have nothing against who you are. But I can’t stop thinking about what you said.”

Donghae’s eyebrow rises as he holds his breath.

“That you loved me,” Hyukjae’s voice wavers, “I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking why and how that’s even possible. I can’t stop thinking if you still feel the same.”

Donghae’s breath hitches. His clasp on Hyukjae’s sleeve lightens at the same time his insides tighten up to a tangle of emotions. He lets his hand fall, but he ends up crossing his arms over his chest, as fear creeps up his neck. He can’t make out what the tone Hyukjae speaks with really means.

“I’ve never...” The words lost their way for a moment, and Hyukjae leans more against the wall in confused agony, as if his legs are losing the strength to keep him standing. “I’ve never really been in love. I don’t know how that really feels, and now you’re suddenly making me feel a lot of things I’ve never felt before.” Hyukjae’s eyes finally focus to take a look how Donghae’s responding to his outpour, and as he slides his fingers through his mess of a hair, realizing how out of breath he is, Donghae’s expression takes his last breath away.

Donghae’s stunned by Hyukjae’s words, but most of all, he’s finally letting his feelings show through his eyes, and Hyukjae can see the softness covering the long hidden truth. His eyes are glazed with timid desire for Hyukjae to feel more, and it gives the older a push he’s secretly wanted.

Hyukjae admits to himself that all the thinking, the hurricane of questions that Donghae ignited, have not come from thin air. Donghae’s the only one that has ever made him look inward, to search for meaning. All of his past relationships, and the lack of anything real, have never caused him to do that. Before, he’s just been looking for fun, something to make him forget his mistakes. They’ve all been merely bandages to him. With Donghae, he feels; Donghae makes him feel emotions that have been buried somewhere deep within.

And the matter that he’s been most afraid of the last few days, the reason he hasn’t been able to talk about the talk, is because he’s been afraid that Donghae wouldn’t want him like that anymore. He doesn’t want to have feelings that could crush him in the end.

It’s unclear if he felt anything like this during high school. But he’s sure, that even then Donghae was the person he cared about the most.

There hasn’t been a person before who would’ve given him the desire to change for better. He’s never had anyone who doesn’t make him feel like the loneliest person in the world. And it scares him, it all freaks him out – bad time – but he knows he’s starting to fall in love with him. It isn’t a clear rush of realization, he’s still not one hundred percent sure about anything, but he thinks the winding road would take him there eventually if he allows it to happen.

With an inhale, he gives the next words some thought before he lets them out, and it’s a mess of hesitation and relief, and all things beyond.

“I don’t mind you being close to me, because I want you there. I don’t mind waking up next to you, because I want to fall asleep beside you. And it scraes me, because I’m afraid you don’t feel the same anymore. I don’t make any sense, do I? But I feel something. You make me feel something that makes me want to know how…” he hesitates what’s coming next, but he’s already at a point where it’s impossible to stop.

“How your lips would feel against mine, because I already know I like how holding your hand makes me feel.”

Donghae’s trying to take in everything he just heard, the words still trying to find their place in his head. And all the things he’s understood so far, makes his body feel lightweight. He feels like he could burst from all the emotions that are racing inside, yet he ends up slipping through the one thing he thought he’d want to hold onto. But he doesn’t want to hold onto it longer.

“Hyukjae… I still feel the same.”

“What?”

“I’m still in love with you. Nothing’s changed,” Donghae bites down on his lips, sneaking a glance of the other from under his fringe. It probably doesn’t make things any easier, because they’re already all over the place. Hyukjae’s outburst is only causing him to fall harder for him. It’s the sweetest thing he’s ever heard before, and it’s so pure and honest that it’s difficult to comprehend that it’s really Hyukjae telling him all those things.

7.12.17
sometimes I wonder why on earth I even write romance XD
this has been the hardest to write so far, and I'm still not sure if I even like how it turned out
sorry not sorry for the "cliffhanger" lol