^{_{. .}} eleven ^{_{. .}}

The nearest mall seems to have been the most convenient option for their purpose, and the big supermarket at its first floor easy enough as a starting point.

It’s shouldn’t be too hard to visit an ordinary supermarket, but with such companions it feels more like an adventure the oldest isn’t really ready for. It's as he's visiting it the first time; everything is suddenly so strange and unfamiliar. Hyukjae has visited it hundreds of times, yet he isn’t sure why it bothers him so much to be there. Although he’s getting creeps every time older couples give scrutinizing glances towards them, mumbling something to their sleeves. As if he was suddenly an alien on a terrain he didn't belong.

Before their ten minute drive to the nearest mall, Donghae managed to scribble a little checklist for them to keep count of the stuff. Which he’s currently rummaging through whilst Hyukjae and the kid both seem like lost puppies waiting beside him.

Hyukjae tightens his hold against the shopping carts’ handle as he stares at the never-ending isles of the supermarket, taking in long inhales of air. It’s overwhelming, to say at least. It feels like he’s suddenly hopped into an entirely different person’s boots, and the boots are way too big and shiny for someone like him.

Jaemin gives her father an expecting look painted with the slightest shade of anxiety.

Hyukjae thinks they must share similar emotions at the moment, and he feels slightly relieved about that. However, Donghae has been pondering things a bit too long for his liking, and for their all sake, he’d prefer to get this over with as soon as possible. After giving a killer-stare at another over-thinking couple a bit further, he turns to Donghae, his foot pressed on top of the wheel of the cart.

“So… What do we need?” he asks impatiently, eyeing the passing people around them doubtfully. Good god it’s only a weekday afternoon, and therefore the place is relatively quiet. He might not have enough patience to loiter between too many prying eyes that keep sending him those malicious looks.

Donghae halts beside him, giving him a bit too smug a look. As if he’s actually enjoying this. No, he’s not enjoying exactly this, but he does enjoy the fact that Hyukjae is about to do things against his usual ways.

“Where to begin… Well, for starters, the basics. Food, snacks, a toothbrush... If we think about a little further she needs more clothes. And something to play with—“

Hyukjae suddenly whines loudly, interrupting the other man and therefore receiving a hard glare from him.

“I’m going bankrupt with that amount of stuff to buy!”

“That’s what it takes,” Donghae snorts bluntly, “Gotta get used to this,” he keeps muttering, expression significant.

Hyukjae takes a look over the other as he tries to find the words to say; Donghae is once again belittling him and his decisions, and it forces him to clench his jaws together as he tries to keep his temper on hold.

“ I don’t give a damn if I have to eat Frosties for the rest of my life, as long as the girl doesn’t have to starve anymore,” he suddenly barks in irritation, puffing his cheeks as he crosses his forearms over his chest and turns a bit away from the other in silent protest.

“You have two mouths to feed now, you can’t drink up your money anymore.” Donghae gives him a meaningful glare.

Hyukjae huffs. You obviously still sees me as a trash can full of garbage and banana peels that would make you slip and tear your head open when you fall—isn’t it?

“I know, I know,” he his lips with a scowl still lingering on his face. “So, what’s first on that precious list of yours?” he grumbles the question.

“You mocking me for being organized?”

“Perhaps.”

Donghae doesn’t catch the bait to start bickering more about it as he narrows his eyes at Hyukjae, giving him a nasty glare. Biting his lips, Hyukjae decides it’s not the time for that yet. Instead, he glues his deep brown eyes at Donghae and doesn’t even try to hide his annoyance.

We’re so from different planets, Hyukjae sighs inaudibly, lazily leaning against the cart. Are you even alive alive?

Donghae has neat, blue jeans and a light blue checkered cotton shirt under a black, simple jacket, whereas Hyukjae’s essence gives out their different statuses easily. He, in his ripped jeans and a relaxed college shirt with a black cap that has seen its better days on his head don’t really go along with Donghae. Donghae looks like a straight-A university student who hangs out with the other high-end people, and Hyukjae more like someone from a garage band who plays at bars on Thursday nights and who really likes beer as a hobby—which isn’t that far from the truth, though.

The younger man is glancing around, as if he’s trying to see through how the isles are organized. If it wouldn’t have been Donghae for the other’s assistance, Hyukjae would have probably ended up being and going all over the shop like a headless chicken.

Donghae suddenly starts moving forward, pointing out the isles a bit further away, where all the toiletries stuff are. He soon hollers: “Let's get on with this.”

Hyukjae takes another deep inhale and lets the air out roughly, before he gives Jaemin a short look. He nudges his head towards Donghae, giving the girl a lopsided smile after.

“Let’s follow that silly uncle, okay?” He’s not really certain why he’s trying to crack a joke with his daughter, but somehow, getting onto the level of a 4 year old seems easier than trying to socialize with Donghae instead.

“I’m not a silly uncle.”

Hyukjae and Jaemin hear the grunt of protest, and it makes Hyukjae contemplate if teasing him would really cross boundaries. He feels a little itchy to test the waters more, but he’s also afraid he would end up saying something stupid enough to crack a bad nerve; he doesn’t need a cranky Donghae when it’s already awkward enough.

Nevertheless, it is able to cause a little giggle from Hyukjae’s right side. Donghae turns to look at them at that exact moment, wanting to say a thing or two, but the girl’s laugh shuts him wholly. Hyukjae realizes he’d be content with that for a while. With a sudden rush of courage, he picks the girl up, and lifts her on to the trolley, following suit after Donghae's lead.

It doesn’t take longer than few minutes to reach the shelves full of different kinds of toothbrushes and toothpastes, and Hyukjae eyes the shelves warily, his thoughts scattered here and there. There’s so much new stuff he needs to consider now; before he would have probably picked the cheapest ones without another thought and be out of there in the blink of an eye.

“These brushes are for kids of her age,” Donghae mutters and points out the row of more colorful ones that stand out from the rest.

Hyukjae bites his lips before he turns to Jaemin.

„Want to pick your own?” the man asks a bit unsteadily. All these little things are such a big change in his life even how much he tries to deny it. “Any color you’d like—oh. It seems every color has a different animal on it.” He actually feels really out of it actually doing and saying these things, despite how calm and indifferent he might look to the outside.

The girl looks at him with wide eyes, but under the layers of uncertainty he could swear he just saw a tiny bit of excitement. He wonders if Jiah ever let the kid choose things or if she ever asked Jaemin’s opinion about anything.

He keeps watching closely when the girl bites the tip of her index finger between his small teeth, obviously a little baffled that she could have a say in this as she now gives a deep thought towards the subject. She takes cautious steps closer to the shelf and tiptoes just in front of it, eyes going through the options. A silence falls above them, as the males’ gazes are pretty much hammered to her in mild curiosity.

Jaemin’s finger brush against the edge of the shelf in wonder, and Hyukjae realizes he doesn’t know much anything about the girl. He doesn’t know what she likes or dislikes, which is her favorite color or what toys she likes to play with (along with the threadbare toy dog). Is there something she’s afraid of? What makes her laugh and what are things she can’t take her eyes off? What does she find interesting above else?

Having these thoughts give Hyukjae chills. There’s so much more to learn, so many things he’s yet to experience.

Very carefully, Jaemin ends up pointing out a mint green toothbrush with a small picture of a golden yellow, fluffy duckling in front. Hyukjae eyes her, gaze trying to figure out her essence and the way her lips purse a little. He ends up taking a step closer and reaching out to hand her the one she seems to want.

“This one?” he asks, giving the packet to her. She takes it with caution, blinking her eyes.

“I can?” she asks quietly, looking at her dad from under her eyebrows; as if she’s still unsure about her pick and if she’s allowed to take that certain one.

“It’s… It’s yours if you want it,” Hyukjae responses. It doesn’t seem like a big thing, but for this girl, it obviously means whole hell a lot. His eyes trail towards Donghae, who doesn’t really give any kind of reaction, even how hard he tries to catch one.

“You can put it into the cart.”

Even if Donghae doesn’t say a thing, he observes the interaction with a busy mind. Something in him says that this—everything—is sort of an act from Hyukjae, when at the same time a little part of him wants to believe it isn’t just it. There is a part of him who wishes for the latter. He his lips, a little uncomfortable because of the unusual turmoil inside of him. He’s not the only one having a hard time adjusting to the situation that’s so different compared to his usual life.

He’s a little taken aback when Hyukjae picks a toothpaste, and gives him a questioning look aș he wavers a colorful tube in the air.

“Is this okay?” the latter asks, obviously not just a little lost to be thinking about these things.

“Um—,” Donghae mumbles, losing his tongue for few seconds. “Take the other one. It’s better quality.”

Hyukjae nods and shows the new chosen one to the girl, who only nods in agreement. It’s hard for the younger man to believe that Hyukjae’s really listening to him, and asking advice with such an open mind. If he would have to ask the other’s opinion about anything—which he really hopes he wouldn’t need to do—he’s quite sure he would act a lot more defensively when it comes to the act of being unsure about something.

He steers his gaze away when Hyukjae drops the toothpaste into the cart, pulling out the checklist from the front pocket of his jeans.

As they slowly stroll forward and Donghae crosses out the things from his list they already have, Hyukjae learns a few things about his daughter.

When they stroll forward between the isles, currently where the shampoos and shower gels are, Jaemin picks a shampoo that smells effectively like apples over the other options that smell either like strawberries or some tropical mixes. When Hyukjae asks if she wants strawberry or chocolate milk, she picks chocolate. It’s inconspicuous, but he takes a note of the slow change that happens in the kid’s dark eyes that doesn’t seem so awfully withdrawn anymore. It might be just wishful thinking, but he really hopes she’s starting to feel comfortable being around him.

It feels awfully like eternity, when Donghae finally stops on his tracks and Hyukjae manages to catch a breath.

„Is this everything?” he queries, eyeing suspiciously their cart that seems like it’s going to explode sooner than later. It’s mostly dry foods and other things to fill up his empty cabinets so they wouldn’t need to make many addiotonal trips to the store further along the week. But the mere amount makes him nervous about his wallet’s capacities.

Donghae turns a little more towards the tired-looking, newly formed father, giving him a look that doesn’t give away much. The look is making Hyukjae a little more insane every time he catches it, because he just can’t figure out what it’s about. Because it’s not the usual Donghae. It’s not a bad look, but he’s not quite sure if it’s a good one either.

„I don’t want to make this harder, but I’m not sure how much my wallet can take at the moment,” he says, genuinely a little regretful, knowing that his past transactions have not been the wisest ones on the planet of fatherhood.

The younger man gives Hyukjae a tentative humm. „You know, my brother has a six year old, and he works în retail and usually when he comes to visit, he comes with boxes of his kid’s old clothes. We... You could check them out, if you want? I mean, most of them are barely used, his wife goes a little overboard with the amount of clothes their kid has... If you want, that is. It would save you some money on that. There’s also some books and toys laying around...”

„Donghwa’s married? And has a kid?” Hyukjae couldn’t almost believe it. He just remembers the big brother who was five years older, going away for college just few years ago. But it has actually been quite a while.

Donghae quirks and eyebrow, aș if Hyukjae was some sort of an imbecil.

„Sorry it’s just... Time flies,” he rumbles barely audibly. „But to the point—that’s great. Like really. She’s gonna grow pretty fast so it would be kind of a waste to get a bunch of brand new stuff and in a month they’d be small already--

„I mean it, that’s huge. Single-dad--,” Hyukjae says and the word he just used giving him shivers, „Don’t really swim on money so... Thank you. And your brother.”

The single-dad sounds aș odd în Hyukjae’s ears aș it does în Donghae’s. The younger man nods hastily and peels his gaze away. A moment of silence lingers over, until Jaemin’s soft yawn breaks it.

„It might be time for lunch,” Donghae notes, and Hyukjae couldn’t agree more.
 

”This is your idea of lunch? Fast food?”

”Have better ideas? I’m beat from the shopping. I bet Jaemin’s too. It won’t hurt once in a while, does it?”

Donghae glances over the girl, her interest perked up a little as she stares at the fast food joint right beside them. He rolls his eyes, face a little softer for once.

”All right.”

The place isn’t overly packed, and Hyukjae sighs mentally in relief. It has been a long afternoon. Right now he can’t take his mind off of a greasy cheeseburger and some drool-worthy, perfectly crispy fries. When it’s their turn to order, his mind suddenly goes blank. What is the kid’s supposed to eat? A frown and a pondering look takes residence over his face, and with a little, ominous cough he tries to get the other man’s attention. Some of these moments, it felt like Donghae was his only lifeline.

”Something on your mind?” Donghae doesn’t even look at his way, as he seems to be more interested about the cards on his wallet.

”What do I order? A happy meal? Nuggets?” Hyukjae scratches his neck, awkward.

Donghae gives him a tiny, tiny hint of a smile. ”I would go with something simple. Nuggets and apple slices?”

”Probably a good idea,” Hyukjae gulps, as the cashier girl gives them a look, waiting. ”What he said,” the man continues and points at Donghae, who only shakes his head, ordering a grilled chicken salad for himself.

”Seriously, mate. A salad?”

”Got a problem?”

”It’s just so--”

The cashier cuts between their debate, and Hyukjae ends up ordering a double cheeseburger with extra big fries.

After paying for their meals separately, Donghae still at the cashier, Hyukjae sweeps the joint with his eyes, trying to find a somewhat calmer table for the trio. Luckily, he catches the booth at the far corner by the window. Taking a glance at Jaemin he inhales deep and snatches the girl by her armpits. He carries the girl to the table, awkwardly hanging on to the two plastic bags from the supermarket, placing her on the red cushion of the leather bench next to him.

Jaemin purses her lips in wonder, looking around as she’s in awe. Hyukjae bites his lower lip.

”Did… Did your mom ever bring you to eat here?” he asks cautiously, putting the bags down on his feet and sitting down. The girl slowly shakes her head left and right. Hyukjae doesn’t answer, but rather a roller coaster of thoughts invide his head again. What did Jiah ever do with her? Did Jaemin have any good times she could remember?

He would have gone further with those depressing questions, if not for Donghae who finally decides to join them, sitting opposite of Hyukjae with a huff–a little tired, a bit relieved, maybe? What is going on in that guy’s head now, anyway? When they were kids, he was able to read his friend like an open book. But now? He isn’t sure if they are even speaking the same language. Hyukjae just can’t brush off this feeling, that there is something, barricading, between them. As if Donghae is purposely trying to keep his distance. Hyukjae couldn’t echo anything out of him.

Hyukjae watches as Donghae slips off his jacket, and places it neatly beside him. There’s a sudden urge to get the other to talk about something, anything, but Hyukjae hesitates. Instead, he places his jaw against his knuckles, and with a little sigh, tries to bury the urge.

There’s a constant chatter around the place, families, couples and people eating, chattering, laughing from time to time. From the corner of his eye, he notices a thirty-something couple with a kid that’s barely in the talking age, and he wonders. How does people make things work? Maybe it’s different for normal people. But he doesn’t consider himself to be normal, in an ordinary sense. And he isn’t. Not at 23 years of age, with a kid of four. There’s no support system around him. His parents out of the equation, friends even less. Maybe Taehyung, but he doesn’t seem the mature type. Although, Hyukjae has probably never just let people that close. He might not have given anyone the chance. Without Donghae, there’s no one. And could he consider him a friend? Maybe. But Donghae probably didn’t.

Not a minute later, the same cashier finally brings their food on a black tray, putting the salad nonchalantly before Donghae, then, with a smile, she puts the tray between Hyukjae and his daughter. There’s a different spark in the cashier’s eyes when she really notices the little kid, and maybe something like curiosity lingering there.

With the pleasantries over and the cashier gone, Hyukjae takes the small box of nuggets and the bag of apple slices with a small strawed tetra of milk, and places them on top of a napkin in front of Jaemin. His daughter eyes the food curiously, when Hyukjae opens the box of nuggets. He’s not done this before, everything’s so new, but somehow some little particles of instincts rises to the surface and words just come out of his mouth. Not naturally, but somewhere around there.

”This is for you,” he mutters, ripping the apple bag open. ”Mind your fingers, those nuggets might be hot.”

As if they have a connection, even if small, Jaemin nods twice in agreement and touches one of the nuggets in caution with her small fingers. Fingers that are barely the length of the nugget itself. She picks up the nugget with her hand, and Hyukjae lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

”Good to go?” he asks, and the girl nods. He tries to hide his smile behind his drink.

When Hyukjae doesn’t notice, Donghae smiles a little too. His soft brown eyes observe the two, not quite believing the fact that there already seems to be a fragile bond with the father and the daughter. It’s hard to believe this is the same guy who got into a lot of trouble in their last year of high school, and the guy who happened to appear at the ER always on Donghae’s shifts, knuckles bare, with a black eye, broken ribs and whatnot. Yet he can’t get past the friction between them. He just can’t see soundly over the past, all his own regrets, rumors or make-believes. He has too much pride to let it go. Yet there are these little sparkles of proof that maybe it’s not all there is. Hyukjae is not yet reformed, hell no, but he can easily see the fact there is a possibility for him for that.

A moan disrupts Donghae’s thinking.

”God I was so hungry,” Hyukjae mumbles after a bite of his cheesy hamburger, ”You like your nuggets, nugget?” he asks Jaemin, snickering inwardly to his own joke. Gladly the girl is quite oblivious to her father’s comment, and she nods again, although, Donghae can’t help but try and hide his amusement for such an idiot joke. But a restrained laugh escapes.

Hyukjae–of course–hears it and gives Donghae the raised eyebrow, but his thoughts hastily go back to Donghae’s laugh, which he can’t deny he’s been missing a little.

”Bad one, sorry”, he says, eyeing the younger a little curiously. ”Can’t help it.”

And for thirty seconds, the smile doesn’t leave the nurse’s eyes. There’s a part of Donghae who wants to keep smiling, but can’t let himself go further down that road. 

”You realize I have to go to work tomorrow.”

The words are like a sharp knife in Hyukjae’s ears in the silently humming car ride back to home. He stares straight, eyes on the road yet he doesn’t really see anything. Fear starts to creep back in to his bones.

”8-hour shift, starting at 9 in the morning.”

Hyukjae’s at loss with words. All kinds of scenarios start running in his head. He closes his eyes for a moment and takes a look at his napping daughter at the rear seat of Donghae’s car.

Although Donghae’s pretty much prepared for anything now, the same confused, scared guy as back in the hospital speaks. Almost whispering.

”You know I can’t do this without you.”

Hyukjae sounds apologetic. Donghae is a bit taken aback from the vulnerability in the man’s voice, and his whole demeanor. He still has no idea why he was ultimately the person Hyukjae reached out for.

”I-I...” the younger starts, but the words get stuck. He doesn’t know why he’s even helping to begin with. It feels like there’s no way to back out now, even when he’s not actually promised anything. But his true nature also can’t just leave Hyukjae hanging.

The older man sighs.

”I know you have your own life to live, and I don’t really belong in that. I just… I’m just asking you to help me to...to steer in the right direction. With her. I don’t know what it is really that makes you loathe me so much, but for her… Only for her. I don’t ask you to stay in my life, just to help me out a little to begin with,” Hyukjae rambles, not letting Donghae a chance to talk yet, ”Could you… Could you stay at my place? With us? Just for a few days–maybe a week? So I can be sure with myself? Just till I get the hang of it.”

Donghae swallows, blinking, a bit surpised, yet not at all. A part of him is fast to refuse, yet he curses at himself when the answer just rolls out, different from what he wanted.

”Okay. Alright. Just for a few days. But tomorrow, for 8 hours, you’re on your own.”

10.10.17

whoopsie. sorry I'm rusty as .