Kim Namjoon was lost. He was lost without his friends. Their deaths were a shocking news for him.

The truth is, that Kim Namjoon had always heavily relied on his friends.

He didn’t act like it though.

He was the leader. They all came to him in times of need. It was his duty to protect them.

He had to be strong for them. They didn’t know how much he relied on them.

Except for Min Yoongi.

The day that Namjoon had first told Min Yoongi all his troubles was a memory that he would never forget.

He remembered the moment clearly. The first time he had ever talked to anyone about how he truly felt was with Min Yoongi.

He understood Namjoon. Min Yoongi had a certain air of empathy about him and a loving nature which Kim Namjoon had admired so much.

Min Yoongi listened carefully to every single one of Namjoon’s words; his expressions concerned and the constant hugs he gave him comforting him.

He had remembered Min Yoongi’s words clearly.

“Joon-ah” Yoongi called. “I don’t want you to be sad”.

Yoongi reached for his pocket and pulled something out. It was a lighter.

“Whenever I feel down, I usually just switch this on and off”

He handed Namjoon his lighter. “It’s good for you, helps your heart” he grinned.

“See, fire isn’t as dangerous as people think. It’s beautiful. People don’t realise that. They let their fear of the unknown take over them when they could be enjoying something wonderful. You don’t need to be afraid Joon-ah, I’ll always be here for you” he told him. “Just keep hold of that lighter”.

Namjoon smiled, accepting the lighter. It really meant a lot to him.

Kim Namjoon knew that Yoongi had given out lighters to each members of their little family.

It was a sweet sentiment and Namjoon appreciated it a lot.  

He knew that Min Yoongi hurt and he knew that Min Yoongi meant well.

So when Yoongi came running over to him when he had killed his ex-girlfriend, Namjoon was shocked to say the least.

He was saddened because he knew that all Yoongi ever wanted to do was help but Yoongi was so oblivious and so unaware. He was unable to make the decisions between right and wrong. Namjoon knew Yoongi’s heart was in the right place.

He just needed to protect him. So he packed all of Yoongi’s things and packed food for him. He booked him into a shabby little motel and told him to stay there until Namjoon figured out what to do next.

Namjoon knew though. He knew what would happen but he just didn’t know what else to do. He was so helpless and wished he knew more about Min Yoongi’s situation.

The last time he had seen Yoongi he held him tight, knowing what was going to happen. He prayed and prayed, hoping that somehow Yoongi would prove him wrong, but they had been friends for a very long time. And Yoongi was predictable.

Kim Namjoon remembered how Kim Seokjin was like before he broke up with his girlfriend. He was sweet and kind and lovely.

They were perfect together. He didn’t ever understand why Seokjin broke up with her when it had such a drastic effect on him.

All he knew was that Kim Seokjin was hurt and had pushed him away. He didn’t understand why Seokjin would want to take his life. He should’ve tried harder to reach out to him.

He knew that Min Yoongi had tried to reach out to him but to no avail. He knew that when Min Yoongi gave Seokjin a lighter he burst into tears at the sentiment.

Seokjin had nothing to cry over now that he was gone.

Kim Namjoon knew how much Park Jimin cared. He knew about his hopes and dreams and how much Park Jimin loved his sister. Namjoon knew about how Min Yoongi taught Park Jimin. He taught him to find something that he loved and to hold onto it with all his strength.

He taught Park Jimin that writing his feelings and burning them would make him feel better. He knew how Min Yoongi taught Park Jimin to find his face space and he knew how Park Jimin sought protection from the water.

Min Yoongi was fire and Park Jimin was water.

But they understood each other and Park Jimin was arguably Yoongi’s favourite.

But now Jimin was gone and no longer worried about his sister.

In Kim Namjoon’s eyes, Jung Hoseok was always a hopeless case. He would never admit it, but the thought would linger in the back of his mind.

He knew that Jung Hoseok would eventually become addicted to the drugs that were supposed to help him.

He didn’t want to admit it, for fear that his addiction might take control of him.

He should’ve tried harder to protect him. He should’ve tried harder to help him.

He also knew about how Hoseok reacted when Min Yoongi handed him the lighter.

He thought it was nonsense, but decided to take it anyway, knowing that it was out of the kindness of Yoongi’s heart.

He knew that Jung Hoseok had tried his hardest to stay away from the drugs. But he needed them to keep him sane.

Jung Hoseok didn’t need the drugs anymore.

Namjoon was fiercely protective over Jeon Jungkook. He treated him like his own younger brother.

He was a little worried when Min Yoongi handed him the lighter, but trusted them both enough. He knew that Yoongi only meant the best for Jungkook and knew that Jungkook was old enough to handle a lighter on his own.

But seeing Jungkook in front of him, die right in front of his eyes made him feel so much.

Kim Namjoon was angry, furious, confused, disheartened and lost and saddened and so fu*king upset he couldn’t even come up with the words to explain it.

He had the chance. He had the chance to protect his friend and his brother but he couldn’t.

He was so useless and hopeless and he couldn’t even keep his family together.

It was all his fault. He should’ve tried harder to keep them together.

But the car had crashed into an already beaten up Jungkook and he was dead.

Jungkook was dead. His friends were all dead. His family were all dead and it was all his fault.

But he had to carry on. He had to continue living his life as if nothing had happened. It took him at least a month to build up the courage to go back to work.

He went back to work thinking about how he was a month ago, with Jungkook in his arms.

Thinking about him crying over Jungkook’s dead body. How his hands were still warm and it seemed like there was still a chance.

How he refused to let go of Jungkook even though the he was being pulled away from him. Even though the ambulance had come to take him away.

He carried on like nothing had happened. Like his brother hadn’t passed away in front of his eyes.

Kim Namjoon had never had a family. He grew up alone. He was used to the feeling of loneliness and was used to having to stand up for himself.

He had learned to fend for himself at an early age, fighting off bullies and thugs.

He’d always worked hard. He gave his all to his work and his studies, trying to compensate for the something that was lacking in his heart.

He thought that one day, if he worked as hard as he possibly could, he could have his own family.

When Min Yoongi came into his life, he had found that his family had come earlier than expected.

Along with the other five boys he meant the whole world to him.

Kim Namjoon was happy for a mere moment in his life. Everything was perfect for one shining, glistening moment.

But now they were gone. 

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Sorry for the long wait! x