I feel so empty now… it’s weird really… Right about then, I’m standing in front of his door. I know he’s home, I see his car parked at the porch and the lights are up in his living room. He must be tired, we’ve been through a lot this week. A part of me doesn’t want to bother him but I just want to see him right now. My knuckles touched the wooden door, but it did not make a sound. I don’t have the guts to look at him. I betrayed him… basically betrayed my feelings.

I stepped back, and through his living room I saw a familiar figure in a pretty dress. My heart sunk when I saw the woman scanning through his DVD piles. My head spun… What is she doing in there? What are they doing especially this late at night? She seems happy, she’s looking like a lovable woman just like how Jaejoong’s ideal type would be.

I felt my eyes teary, these salty tears are burning my eyes. I can’t look.

I had to leave, I need to leave as far as possible… but I remembered what the president said. “I guess 15 years’ worth of memories is a burden.” I replied to know it was a beautiful thing but then again, did I really think it was going to be like that forever? It was enough that Jaejoong’s always around but him not knowing how I feel isn’t so great either. I can’t tell him because I know it will ruin everything.

-

Without thinking or being rational about what I’m doing, I found myself standing in someone else’s door step. I rang the doorbell without hesitation. I’m not really sure why I had to see this person… It wasn’t long before he came out.

“Dara-shi”

I could not say anything. Why did I go back to see this person?

“It’s late…” he looked pretty confused to see me again after our bitter encounter a few hours ago. There was a moment of silence, I just stared at his face. He looks perplexed… then I saw that he still wore the same thing earlier. I thought he’d be off to bed at this hour. “About earlier, I apologize. I had a few drinks and I did not really think right” there was a hint of hesitation from his voice.

Why is he apologizing?

“It shouldn’t be like this, we can forget everything that happened.” He again added while leaning on to the gate door.

“I guess, it is a burden. I want to forget.”

His gaze turned hallow, I could tell that he knew what I meant by that.

“I don’t feel the same anymore…” I continued, “But, my book. Do you have it?” I asked. I just remembered at that moment after storming out on him earlier.

He cleared his throat. “Yeah, I have it. Come inside.” He insisted after making a path through the gate. So I passed through and followed him inside his house. His place is pretty nice, I thought that it’d be too big for one person.

As soon as we went past the front doors, I noticed how spacious his living room was. There was a TV, a long couch, an armchair which I think is where he normally sits on most of the time. His long couch seemed untouched because the pillows where perfectly ordered. I saw paperwork on his coffee table. Then shelves by the windows filled with books but I’m pretty sure he has not read all of them yet.

“Wait here.” He said. I nodded, but before that he went to his kitchen and took out a glass, and a water pitcher from the fridge. He the coffee brewer. “If you need a drink, get anything from here. I have juice, and water. So yeah, I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.”

He went up the stairs, and disappeared somewhere around the corner. Then back to observing his house. He had no family photos in his around that I could spot easily, but he did have a collection of books. Weird… But dark, I think? He had Metallica album collections, Stefen King’s books and art pieces of Tim Burton’s meaning like figures. I’m surprised that our President has an unusual taste.

I smelled like newly polished wood inside. It’s almost like this house has never been tainted. What I mean is that, it doesn’t smell like home. It omitted a business man type of aura, like more work less lazing days. Then inside a huge glass frame I saw a map. I looked close to see that it’s a map of New York’s subway station. Cool I guess. Then there were a few canvas paintings, more modern like art. Wow… this guy’s seriously out there. But something really caught my eye at that moment. There was one photograph laying at the corner of his side table. Closer, it seemed like 4 young guys. Then I saw the president standing at the right side with his arm around a Caucasian kid. They seemed close.

“I have it…” I heard him from behind me. I was startled. I think he figured that I’m snooping around. Well was I?

“O-Oh thank you!” I said feeling embarrassed. “I guess I should g—“

“15 years is a burden…” he cuts me off, “But yes it’s worth it. You surround yourself with people you care about, but people who are worth suffering for. But as long as being together is worth it, you’d always want what’s best for them. But more like… giving way for their happiness.” He said.

I think I kinda understand what he means, he’s a lot more experienced in life. “You seem pretty young here.” I said pointing out the p