Chapter 36

My fingers curled into a fist and I clenched them tightly against my palm. My fingernails dug into my skin as my blood started to boil. I couldn’t believe that he was there right in front of me as if the past three days weren’t enough to put me through hell. I looked down at my feet to avoid his gaze and felt tears already beating me. I was so angry that I was going to cry. Did I ever go a day without crying?

“You need to leave, Se Hun…” My voice shook, but I was trying my best to stay firm. “You’re not supposed to be here.”

"I know.” He said this so quietly, it was hard to hear him clearly. “I’m sorry.”

“How many times are you going to apologize?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” He sighed. “I… I’ve just been thinking about our last encounter for the past few days.”

“And you thought it’d be a good idea to come see me again when it’s my birthday? What are you trying to do? me over again?”

“Soo Jin, you need to relax.” Se Hun looked surprised at my reaction.

“ you, Se Hun.” My voice raised. “You can’t push me away for the millionth time and then tell me to ing relax.”

“I –”

“Do you even know what the hell you want or are you here to just play with my emotions again because I’m tired of it.” I took a deep breath and felt the tears on the brim of my eyes once ing again. I was tired of crying, but my body somehow couldn’t stop.

“I’ve always wanted you from the beginning. It was you who didn’t know what they wanted.” He snarled at me.

“ you again, Se Hun! You’re the one who ing pushed me away so I could go to school. Why do you feel like someone sacrificing for you is the worse thing that could happen? Does it not show that someone loves you? Instead, you with their minds and make them a ing wreck and that somehow makes you feel better?” I took a step towards him and hit him in the chest with my good hand. “And then you ing ignore me for the next five years, but you suddenly care about my existence after you find out I’m in a new relationship and I’m about to get married and then you with me again?! Tell me who the doesn’t know what they want because I sure ing knew what the I wanted from the beginning, but I don’t think I even had a ing option.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do. I was really scared, Soo Jin. I really thought that you were going to ruin your life because of me, and it was such a good opportunity, but I couldn’t go with you. I was afraid that regardless of what happen, you would have moved on.” I could see that Se Hun was tearing up. “I didn’t leave my house for the past few months after you left, and it was even harder when I realized that you were in a new relationship. I cried every day until Lu Han literally almost killed me for being so heart broken. Do you even know how I felt when we saw each other again on the street? I had to hold back from wanting to hold you in my arms… from wanting to kiss you… from wanting to just feel some kind of warmth from you. It was so hard.”

As I blinked, more than a few tears came strolling down my cheeks.

“I didn’t want to play around with your feelings, but I just thought that if I pretended to be a friend and not bother you, that it would be okay and I would soon come to accept your marriage, but the more I saw you and the more I talked to you, I couldn’t help but feel as if I was falling in love with you again. I was really happy just knowing that you were that close to me again. I’m sorry if I started making you feel some type of way again, but I couldn’t help myself. I just wanted to be with you.” He looked up and the tears that were hanging on finally fell down the sides of his cheeks. He started crying harder and harder. “I cried when you came back, Ahn Soo Jin. I had to hold myself back from wanting to do anything with you or just to see you, but I knew where you’d be because Jung Ah told me. I wanted to take every chance I could get before you were officially married. I never meant to make you hesitate with your choice, so I had to tell you that we were done. Do you know how hurt I was?”

I was trying hard not to let the rest of the tears out.

“When Jin Hyuk and I talked, he told me that he knew you were never over me and that I was never over you. I couldn’t even fight against his words because they were true. I felt like a coward because I was so worried about my own feelings that I forgot about another man’s feelings. Instead of beating me to the pulp like he should have, he gave me his blessings and told me that I had to take good care of you, but when I was with you a few days ago… I felt guilty. I didn’t know if I could handle it and if I even deserved it. I hesitated again. But I hesitated this time because I was afraid that you were really going to make your own choice in not wanting to be with me. I wanted to cut you off first before you could cut me off.” Se Hun fell to the ground and cried into the grass as I stood there and watched him. I couldn’t move and seeing him break down like this was a surprise to me. “I never wanted to lose you again, but I was afraid that I wasn’t going to be enough for you. I really didn’t know what to do.”

“You stupid gangster kid.” I bent down and grabbed him, so he was sitting up right before I cupped his face into my hands. “You’ll always be more than enough for me.”

“I never stopped loving you, Ahn Soo Jin.” He whispered before he leaned towards me and kissed me deeply. “And I never will stop.”

Kissing Se Hun felt like a dream. He held me so close to his body that I nearly forgot we were both crying. He wouldn’t let me go even if I tried to back off. His lips never stopped. He held the back of my head and made sure I wasn’t going to get away. I loved every moment of it. I felt so complete in his arms. I didn’t want him to ever let me go.

“Well, I didn’t know that I would be crying this much.” I could tell that was Baek Hyun’s voice.

Se Hun and I stopped kissing and turned around to see all of our friends standing by the patio staring at us. Chan Yeol was carrying a cake with lit candles. Kyung Soo was hooked onto Xiu Min’s arms and they both were smiling like idiots. Baek Hyun was still crying while Kai was patting his back like the little kid he was. Lu Han stood there with his arms crossed and looked uninterested as always. Jung Ah and Jae Hyun were both smiling at each other. I stood up from where I was while Se Hun made sure he wasn’t going to let go of my hand.

“So, are we going to celebrate or continue to cry?” Lu Han asked looking at everyone before clapping his hands slowly. “Finally.”

Everyone started wooing and clapping ecstatically that Chan Yeol forgot he even had a cake in his hands. It fell onto the ground and everyone fell silent for a long moment before bursting into laughter.

“This was what I wanted for the longest time.” Kai sighed. “I was sure my head was going to explode if you two didn’t make up.”

“Seriously. Don’t you ever ing let her go again, Se Hun.” Baek Hyun rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “I’m tired of crying.”

“How many times did you even cry?” Chan Yeol asked. “Wait, don’t tell me all those times you said it was because you watched a kdrama…”

“Shhhhhhhh.” Baek Hyun stuck his tongue out before heading into the living room.

“Well, I made an extra cake because I knew this idiot would somehow drop it. It was the trial one he dropped anyway.” Kyung Soo said before following Baek Hyun in.

“We also have some pasta for everyone to feast on.” Xiu Min waved everyone in. “Come on. Hurry. You guys will get a cold from crying outside for too long.”

As we walked through the patio, Lu Han grabbed onto Se Hun’s shoulder and pulled him back. I was trying to leave the two alone, but Se Hun really wouldn’t let my hand go.

“Don’t ever let her go.” Lu Han said sternly. “Ever again.”

“I won’t.” Se Hun replied.

“Or I’ll you up.”

Se Hun scoffed. “You know I am bigger than you.”

“So what.” Lu Han snarled before brushing past us.

“I love you.” Se Hun said as soon as Lu Han was far from us.

“I love you more.” I said smiling up at him before he leaned down and kissed me.

**

When I opened my eyes, I saw Se Hun’s face right away. He was so close to me. I took in the way he slept. His skin was so soft, and his hair was all over the place. I traced his brow until I got to his lips. I smiled before leaning in towards him to give him a peck, but before our lips could touch, Se Hun suddenly was awake and threw me onto the bed so he was now on top of me.

“What do you think you’re doing?” He asked with a smirk on his face.

“I-I was just going to give you a kiss. Get off of me.” I struggled to get out of his grip.

“Without consent?” He raised an eyebrow.

“You kiss me all the time without consent!” I gasped.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He shrugged before he leaned in and started to kiss me.

“You stupid gangster kid.” I said between our kisses only to have him press up against me even more. “Get off of me.”

“No.” He said as we started to playfully wrestle on the bed.

“Okay. Okay.” I said before grabbing my phone. “Let’s be quiet just in case our friends are downstairs.”

“We’re actually right here, but it’s cool.” Baek Hyun said as his head popped up from the ground.

“What the .” Se Hun scoffed. “What are you and Kai doing here?”

“Well, we tried to sleep downstairs, but Chan Yeol’s snoring was a bit too much and I am sure you wouldn’t want us in your parents’ room.”

“Right…” I said as I stood up and looked through my phone only to see Jin Hyuk send me a message that he was going to leave to the airport this afternoon to head back to Canada. “Oh my god…”

“What? What’s wrong?” Baek Hyun asked.

“Se Hun… I… Uh…” I looked at him and he looked concerned. “I have to go to the airport.”

“Jin Hyuk?” He asked.

I nodded. “I… I just want to say a few things before he leaves… If that’s okay.”

“Go.” Se Hun smiled.

“Really?”

“I mean it. Go.” He said.

**

I probably looked ridiculous with the outfit I had on. I should have known better that people took airport fashion seriously here in Korea, but here I was, in sweats and my hair was tied up in the messiest bun possible. People were staring at me. I should have gotten used to this by now, but I really haven’t. It was annoying how things never changed.

I quickly ran to the screens to check the airlines and flight times. Jin Hyuk always only took one specific airline and he had a certain time he liked getting on. Per my guess, I quickly found TSA and looked in each line for Jin Hyuk. I was running out of time and I knew it too. I took my phone out and dialed his number but there was no answer. My heart was not beating rapidly. I had to find him.

“KIM JIN HYUK!!!” I started yelling, causing people to stare at me even more. “PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME YET!!! KIM. JIN. HYUK!!!!!!”

I shut my mouth almost immediately when I saw security coming towards me. I knew it. This was going to be the reason why I was sent to jail. I’m a ridiculous, madwoman causing a scene at one of the busiest airports. I know a video of me was going to be uploaded by the end of this arrest.

“Mam, you can’t be yelling like this in the airport. We’re going to have to ask you to leave.” One of the security guards said as he pointed towards the door.

“Let me explain…” I said as I tried to come up with a good excuse. “I need to apologize to someone before I never get to see them ever again.”

“We really don’t care. You’re causing a scene here with is violating our rules.” The security guard tried to push me away, but I pushed them off of me. “Mam, please don’t retaliate.”

“Please…” I said before I started yelling Jin Hyuk’s name again. “KIM JIN HYUK!”

The security guards looked at each other before they grabbed me. They were just about to push me out the door when a figure stood in front of us. I looked up only to see Jin Hyuk standing there. His face was red from embarrassment.

“Did you really have to do this?” He asked as he waved the security guards away.

“Yeah, I did.” I said as I stood up to my feet and patted myself down. “You weren’t picking up your phone and I knew you were going to leave without another word.”

“What? What is it that you want?” Jin Hyuk asked as he looked at his watch to check how long he had before he had to leave.

“Jin Hyuk, the things I’m about to say, I’m not sure how you’re perceive it, but I hope you let me talk and let it all out.” I sighed. I looked up at him and could tell he was still really hurt. “Kim Jin Hyuk, I love you. I love you so, so much. It wasn’t a façade nor was it an act. You weren’t a rebound. When I fell in love with you, I only thought about you. You were the only person who was important to me.”

Jin Hyuk looked impatient, but I wasn’t going to say this as quickly as he wanted to. I didn’t want to miss a single thing.

“When you asked me to marry you, my ‘yes’ was honest. I wanted to be with you, but when we got back to Korea, I realized that my heart was still being tugged in different areas. I thought I could hide everything from you because this was supposed to only be about us, but I realized that when I moved to Canada, that was me running away from my problems. I was just trying to forget everything and anything that happened here because I felt so broken. I didn’t know what to do at the time, but that doesn’t mean that you blinded me in anyway.” I could tell people were trying to listen to our story now. “I wanted to tell you the truth, but I never thought it was going to be a problem until it became a problem. I didn’t know how I could bring it up. I felt guilty every single day we were here. The more I tried to convince myself that I was okay, I wasn’t. Coming back made me realize why things were the way they were. It hurt. I felt betrayed by everyone. That included my family and my best friend even…

I wanted to explain everything to you, but my mind was such a mess that you probably wouldn’t know what to do about it either. But that was my fault too because I immediately doubted your ability especially when I said I could spend the rest of my life with you.” I deeply sighed. “The moment I realized that none of this was going to work for me was when I realized my feelings for Se Hun never went away –”

“Are you trying to put salt in my wounds, Soo Jin?” He asked sadly.

“No, I’m not. Jin Hyuk, I should have been honest with you, but I couldn’t be honest with myself. That’s where I went wrong and no matter how many times, I apologize to you, I know you won’t forgive me, but that’s something I know I have to deal with. I never meant to hurt you in any way. I never meant for any of this to happen. I wanted to be the one for you… I really, really did.” I started to cry and knew I had no right now. “I wanted to end this all before you ended it, but I was a coward. I had no idea how I was going to do it and the day that you did it, that was the day I wanted to explain everything to you… like a goodbye that I never wanted to forget, but I couldn’t.”

“I know.” He said as he put a strand of my hair behind my ear. “Women’s minds are all over the place and it takes time for them to get it all together.”

“Jin Hyuk…”

“Ahn Soo Jin, you broke my heart and it’ll probably take me years to heal, but that doesn’t mean it won’t ever heal again.” He looked up and I saw his eyes glistening against the light. “No matter how much I wanted us to work, I had to no right to hold onto your heart.”

“Don’t say that.” I cried.

“I was never going to be able to give you what you needed, Ahn Soo Jin, and that’s the reality I needed to face.” He smiled. “I love you. I will always love you, but Oh Se Hun will always love you more than I ever could.”

“You’re a great man, Kim Jin Hyuk, and I’m so thankful and appreciative for all you’ve done for me.” I wiped my tears with the back of my hands. “I wish I could have done more for you.”

“You’ve done more than enough. I just hope you two don’t have to go through this again.” He looked at his watch before looking back at me. “I guess this is it. It’s time for me to go.”

“So, this is good bye…” I said.

“For now, but not forever.” He blew out a sigh and walked past me without another word.

I watched as he checked into TSA and didn’t look back once. I broke a good man’s heart and will forever be indebted to him.

Author's Note: Long time no post (since September 2019). I'm thankful for those who have reached out to me asking if I'm okay and if this story will ever be finished (how many more years will I take?) I just wanted to let everyone know that this story is almost finished (hopefully). I haven't forgotten about it (I just don't want to give you guys a half- written chapter only for you all to be disappointed). I've just been busy. I go to school full-time, which will continue for the next couple of years to finish my degree, and I'm currently working almost full-time in a hospital. I hope everyone is doing well during this time. I am still shocked that COVID-19 has gotten us in qurantine, but that doesn't mean we won't be able to fight back.

Just a few reminders:

- Wearing a mask won't prevent you from getting sick. WASH YOUR HANDS. And if you are sick, wear a mask to prevent it from spreading to others and/or if you live in a country where it's needed due to the air. We are on a shortage of masks here in the US, forcing us to use one mask a shift, which isn't really sanitary.

-If you're sick, STAY HOME for the safety of others. USE COMMON SENSE AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING.

-COVID19 is a droplet precaution and not an airborne precaution. The meaning of this is that someone breathing next to you won't necessarily get you sick unless they are doing air treatments, which will turn it to an airborne precaution due to the enlargement of air particles. A droplet precaution is sneezing, coughing, wheezing, anything with fluids that can get onto you, your hands, your clothing, etc. PLEASE WASH YOUR HANDS (SING TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR WHILE YOU DO OR COUNT TO 20).

-If you smoke, you are more vulnerable to the virus as it attacks your respiratory system. Be mindful of how often you smoke regardless if it's usage of a cigarette, hookah, weed, etc.

-COVID19 can be treated at home, but if you are having difficulty breathing, then come in to get checked. Most people who 'think' that they have it don't have it. The first sign is a fever, but be mindful that we don't have enough beds so if you don't have shortness of breath, take precautions at home.

-Please understand that even though it may seem like a joke to everyone on social media, it is a serious matter in real life. Many people have died and many people are fighting to keep people alive. The numbers just won't stop going up.

-If you don't need to go out, don't go out. Please only go out for more groceries neccessary and if you are an essential worker. The more we go out, the more we won't have a ing hot girl/boy summer 2020!

-Please be mindful of the food that you buy when you are at a grocery store. I get that it's a scary time for all of us, but LETS BE HONEST!!! I know you're not going to use all the meat you bought. There are people who can't even feed their families because people are hoarding for the wrong reasons.

-TOILET PAPER ISN'T GOING TO SAVE YOU. Please stop buying toilet paper every single time you head into the store unless you really really need to cos' your family uses the bathroom a lot. 

-WASH YOUR HANDS AND COUGH/SNEEZE INTO YOUR CHICKEN ELBOW!!!

SHOUT OUT TO THOSE WHO ARE FIGHTING IN THE FRONTLINES WITH ME AND EVERYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD. THESE TIMES ARE SCARY BUT IF WE WORK TOGETHER, WE WILL GET THROUGH IT. STAY SAFE. STAY HEALTHY. STAY KIND. WASH YOUR HANDS.