Chapter 33

The smell of white lilies filled my nose as I took a whiff of my bouquet that were wrapped around my numb fingers. Today was the day that I have been waiting for for so long. I was sitting in the dressing room with Jung Ah sitting across from me and my parents standing around talking to each other. I was already in my cheap wedding dress that actually fit a lot more than the other wedding dresses I have previously tried on. I took a deep breath and stood up, causing the three people in my room to look over at me.

“Are you nervous?” Jung Ah asked as she rubbed her pregnant belly.

I sighed.

“You look so beautiful, Ahn Soo Jin.” My mother’s touch caused me to flinch. I didn’t know her fingers would be so cold when she removed the little hairs out of my face. “I cannot believe that you’re finally going to get married.”

“I’m quite upset that you won’t let me walk you down the aisle.” My father looked at me with an arched eyebrow. “Did you really just want to elope and make it quick?”

I nodded my head. “I-I… I’m sorry. I have thought long about what I have been wanting ever since I’ve been here and I believe this is what it has come to.”

“It’s okay.” My mother reassured me with a smile. “You know your father and I will be waiting at home for you and Jin Hyuk.”

I forced a smile as I felt my eyes start to get watery.

“Don’t cry. Today is going to be such a beautiful day, Soo Jin.” My father pulled me into a tight hug and patted my head.

“Thank you.” I said as I sniffled and hugged him back even tighter causing him to cough a bit. “I love you and mom so much.”

“We love you more.” My mother wiped my tears.

“Oh goodness.” Jung Ah cried, almost making us forget she was even there to begin with. “My hormones are not controllable.”

“Will Jae Hyun be picking you up soon?” I asked.

Jung Ah shook her head. “No, he said he was going to be a bit late because the restaurant got caught up with some jerk.”

“It’s okay, Jung Ah. We’ll take you home.” My father suggested.

“Thank you so much, Mr. Ahn.” Jung Ah wiped her tears and then smiled over at me. “Are you sure you don’t need anyone here with you?”

I nodded my head. “I think it is better since we haven’t really had that good of time alone that we do this alone.”

Jung Ah nodded her head almost too quickly. “You’re right. Today is your day and you can tell us all about it.”

There was a sudden knock at the door and Kang Hee peeped her head through the door a second after. She waved and smiled at the four of us with her clipboard pressed to her chest as if she was too afraid to let it go.

“Hi, I’m so sorry if I interrupted anything…” Kang Hee stepped into the room and bowed her head a bit.

“No, no, it’s okay. We were just about to leave.” My mother looked back over at me and gave me the sweetest and yet saddest smile. “We love you.”

“I love you both so much.” I said as I gave my parents one last hug before they headed out the room.

“Look, take pictures. Anything. I don’t know.” Jung Ah hugged me tightly and cried into my shoulder. “Clean your shoulder. There might be some snot on it but think of it as a gift I was never able to give to you.”

“More like a gift no one would have ever wanted.” I joked as we both laughed together in tears. “I promise I will tell you everything.”

“I love you. Please, Soo Jin, just be happy for once.” She reached out to cup my face with her hands. “You deserve it.”

“Thank you.” I said as we gave one last hug to each other and she trailed out of the room after my parents who were waiting for her in the lobby.

“You are loved, Ahn Soo Jin.” Kang Hee sighed in admiration. “I’m quite jealous that I don’t get to see that kind of love every day.”

“Maybe you will one day.” I smiled.

Kang Hee looked at me as if there was something on her mind, but instead of saying what was there, she just pressed her lips together awkwardly.

“What?” I asked her. “Just ask. Don’t look at me like that.”

“There are so many questions I would love to ask you, Ahn Soo Jin, but after working in this industry for so long, I have realized some questions are best kept unanswered.” The corners of her lips curled up into a small smile. “Are you ready?”

I nodded my head.

“Jin Hyuk is ready for you too.” Kang Hee said as she opened the door for me while I grabbed my dress so I wouldn’t trip on it. “Follow me.”

As we walked through the hallway, I realized that we were going anywhere near the venue I picked out. Kang Hee walked us through the back of the building and a few blocks down the street to a beautiful park. I didn’t even notice that there was a park that close by since a lot of the buildings and trees were covering it. She suddenly stopped walking when we reached an decorated arch which seemed like it was from our wedding venue. She turned towards me on the path and reached out to touch my arm.

“I meant every word when I said that you are so loved, Soo Jin.” Kang Hee squeezed my arm before letting go. “If you keep walking down this path, you’ll find Jin Hyuk.”

I was about to say something to Kang Hee, but she was already walking back towards the building where we came out from. I took a deep breath and trudged down the path. It was winding and curvy, causing me to wonder how far Jin Hyuk was because my feet were starting to hurt with these heels that I decided to wear. I knew I hated heels to begin with. I did this to myself. Just to my luck, there was a bit of a bunny hill ahead.

“Where are you…?” I muttered under my breath.

This wasn’t what we were supposed to do. I walked over the bunny hill and to luck, Jin Hyuk was only another five feet away. He was turned the opposite way from me. I knew he heard me because these heels were making a lot of noise by the time I was done getting to him. I took a deep breath and tapped onto his shoulders.

Jin Hyuk turned around and when he saw me, the corners of his lips were curled up so much, they were running into his cheeks. “Wow, Soo Jin. I didn’t know you could be even more beautiful than this.”

“Thank you.” I huffed again. “B-but what are we doing here?”

“Do you remember the first time we met?” He asked.

I nodded my head. “Of course I do.”

“I wish I could have met you a different way.” He sighed. “I still think about it to this day.”

“Are you regretting being drunk?” I asked with a smile.

He nodded his head. “How embarrassing! I still cannot believe I did that and still managed to get you to talk to me. I still think about how lucky I am because now that I know you, you are the most patient person ever.”

“I wouldn’t exactly say that…” I snorted.

“Soo Jin, there is something I really would like to get out of my chest. I feel like I’ve been holding it in for a long time.”

“W-what is it?” I suddenly felt nervous.

“Please just let me say everything that I want to say before you say anything. I want to make sure I don’t miss anything because this could be the last time I get to say this.” Jin Hyuk’s eyes suddenly started to turn red, causing me to worry.

“W-what’s wrong? Did something happen?” I took a step towards him, but he suddenly took a step back.

“Ahn Soo Jin, I love you.”

“I know you do…”

“No, Soo Jin, you don’t know.” He shook his head slowly, not looking over at me. “I love you so much to the point where looking at you hurts my heart.”

I felt my heart drop to my stomach. I knew where this was going, but why was I letting him go before me?

“I will never forget the day I met you. I will never forget the feeling I had when you first smiled at me and talked to me like I was still someone… Being drunk and depressed and angry all of the time and yet… You never looked at me like I was just another person. You were the first person ever to make me feel whole again.” I could see that there were droplets of tears coming down because there were marks below near his feet. “When I asked you to marry me, it meant everything to me when you said yes. I felt like I was breaking through walls each year trying to get to know you and your life in South Korea. I thought I got through all of it and then when we got here, I realized there were still so many more walls I had missed.”

I bit my lips together to stop myself from crying out loud.

“I don’t think you’ll ever know how hard it is to love you because you don’t ever notice the way someone looks at you, Ahn Soo Jin. The way their eyes glisten against those yellow lights and their way the corners of their lips curl up to a smile… I know that look. I know the feeling and I hated that I knew what was going on.” Jin Hyuk took a deep breath through his cries, causing me to let go some of my tears that were sitting on the brim of my eyes. “I have never seen someone look at you the way I have looked at you, but the way it made you feel… I never ever gotten that in return. I was so jealous. How is it that some man I don’t even know managed to make your heart skip a beat within a second of us coming back to Korea? What did I miss? Was I really not aware of what was going on?”

My lips were quivering now and the tears wouldn’t stop. It was hard to breathe with my nose getting stuffed up from all the tears that I had held in.

“I will never forget the look he gave you, Soo Jin, and the way you shuddered against his presence and how much I wish I could do that to you with a single look. I knew from that moment that he was in love with you and some part of you was still in love with him. I didn’t want to believe. I never wanted to because I wanted to believe that you were no longer in love with somebody else. You said yes to me. There was no way…” Jin Hyuk turned around and started crying even harder, causing me to finally cry aloud. I felt so terrible knowing that I had been hurting Jin Hyuk from the moment we got here. I just never noticed. “All these secrets that you kept from me… All those times you have cried… I realized that you were really hiding something important from me.”

“I’m sorry.” I squealed. “I’m so sorry, Jin Hyuk.”

“Do you know how hard it is to see their own fiancé cry and not know what is going on with them only to find out in the end that it’s because she was crying about her first love? Her first love who was coming around here and there and I had no idea?” Jin Hyuk said these words almost a bit too loud, causing me too jump. “I wanted to believe you when you said it was nothing and that it was all in the past, but I knew it wasn’t over. The trips to Busan, the trips to Jung Ah’s house, the secrets… I knew all of them.”

“I’m sorry, Jin Hyuk. I didn’t know what to do…” I was stupid.

“I had to lie to you about these stupid trip meetings so I could use that time to find out what you were doing behind my back. I never went to Japan. I never made a deal with anyone in Japan nor did I care to. I came here to make sure we would get the wedding that you want and that you would be happy…” Jin Hyuk screamed at the end of his sentence and fell to the ground. “How could I lose to someone who you haven’t spoken to in five years? I tried everything and just when I thought I had it all… I really never had it in the first place. I never had your heart, Soo Jin. And overall, that is what hurts the most.”

“Jin Hyuk…” I wanted to take a step towards him, but I knew he wouldn’t have let me.

“I never had you at all…” Jin Hyuk was now bawling into his hands and seeing him all miserable on the ground made me feel like the worst person in the world. “He never had to do anything to get your attention. All he needed to do was show up and you were smitten. He made it seem so easy when I was running out of breath this whole time.”

“Jin Hyuk, I wanted to tell you everything. I wanted to open up to you and let you know the whole story and everything that has happened –”

“But you didn’t, Soo Jin. You kept waiting like I knew you would because you were too afraid to let me down or hurt me.” He said, cutting me off abruptly.

I couldn’t even apologize because he was right.

“Soo Jin, why are you doing this to yourself?” He asked after a few moments passed by. “Why are you forcing yourself to do something your heart never wanted in the first place?”

“That’s not true, Jin Hyuk. I thought this was what I wanted and then when I got back here, I didn’t know what was going to happen.” I shook my head, disappointed at myself and my own actions.

“I knew you never had the strength to hurt me.” More tears were falling from Jin Hyuk’s eyes. “Or the strength to let me go because you were too afraid of how I would react.”

“You’ve always been so good to me…” I bent down so we were at eye level.

“Huh…” He scoffed. “Good…”

“Jin Hyuk…”

“Soo Jin,” He grabbed my hand and looked me in the eye. “I love you, but I know he loves you more than I could ever love you. I never had you nor your heart so all in all… I guess I won’t lose anything…”

“Don’t say that…” I cried.

“You are senseless.” Jin Hyuk sighed as he grabbed my other hand and pulled us both back to our feet. “I’m hurt by what you and that dumb gangster kid did, but I cannot choose what your heart wants or needs.”

“W-what?” I was suddenly confused.

Jin Hyuk let go of my hands. “Soo Jin, I think I need to find myself because finding myself in others.”

“I’m sorry, Jin Hyuk.” I said with a pressed smile.

“I know you are.” He sighed even though his nose and eyes were red as ever. “But I think you’ll be even more sorry if you don’t leave and find him now.”

“W-what?”

“He’ll always be waiting for you, Ahn Soo Jin.” Jin Hyuk said as he let one more tear stream down his rosy cheeks.

Author's Note: I hope you are all enjoying this story as it is coming to an end finally after 4 freaking long years. I always thought to myself "how could someone take that many years to finish a story?!" and then as I was going through these last 4 years, I realized how quickly time can fly by. In the past four years, I got into a serious relationship, I got a new job, I finally figured out what I wanted to do for a career, I travelled to so many different cities, etc. Life gets crazy, but I will never not be thankful for all of you who have been with me since My Gangster. My heart is always full and I think about each and everyone of you all of the time especially when I'm feeling nostalgic. I'm sorry if I don't express it enough, but I truly appreciate your time and patience. Happy reading <3