Illustration by Flowerbeer

5 Just like the Rain

My body is feeling numb as it falls down quickly inch by inch.

Watching them fall instantaneously against me.

Feeling it drizzle against my palm as I count the hours for a while.

My mind is reeling on something that it isn’t there anymore.

I’ve lost all over again.

***

Sitting by the porch waiting for you to show up was all I did for the past few days or probably weeks by now. I don't know what time or day it is but all I know is I want you back. I want you back so badly that I would do anything to wait.

Even if it takes forever.

"You know when they say the word masochist? Your name is the first thing that comes into my mind." I look up to see Yoona holding an umbrella over my head covering me from the rain.

"Hi there too Yoongie." I chuckled.

"You look terrible, are you recreating the music video of the man who can't be move? Just the gay version ones." She said sarcastically.

"Real funny isn't?" Then I found myself laughing at this situation.

"Stupid. Just completely plain stupid that I've created in myself. Just for one girl I've made a complete mess out of myself." Then I noticed Yoona reached her hand out to me and said,

"Let's get you home. She's not coming back, Jessica." I held her hand and it felt warmer than my quivering ones.

I guess this is where I just let it go.

***

Tiffany POV

Watching you suffer like this makes me weak. I couldn't stand to see you looking drained and exhausted just to wait for me even in this kind of weather. I want to come to you and held you in my arms and give you the comfort that you need, but something tells me not to.

Because I know this is the best for both of us.

"I know you still love her." A woman suddenly emerges to my side.

"Yuri..." I gave her a little smile.

"Years have gone by since the time she thought you passed away. In those years I saw your pain when she's being happy with someone else. You’re in pain when you saw her misery as she's reminded by you even in bits of memories. Just like now" She continues.

"I know deep down in your heart you still love that woman. You may pretend all you want Tiffany but it still show. You can't conceal it forever."

I kept mum because everything that she said was all true.

The truth may have revealed itself if I just let it all go but something holds me back.

“This is the best for both of us.” I said to Yuri before leaving.

***

Flashback

“Do you really have to go?” Jessica asked me for the nth time.

“I must go Jessi, I need this treatment and you know it.” I explained.

“Let me come with you please, Steph you know I can take care of you…” She pleaded again.

“You need to stay here, your life is here Jessi.” I said trying not to show any weakness as I tell her those words.

“How could you say that? You’re my life Steph…” Tears pouring down in her eyes again.

“Shh.. Don’t cry… I promise you I’ll be back.” I muttered.

“Promise me you’ll keep in touch.” She said.

The day finally came, leaving for London to get the treatment I needed for my illness. I hate this part where I leave her behind.

“I promise.” I told her before my parents and I board the plane.

"Always move forward Jessi." Then I bid good bye one last time with a kiss.

***

Another mail came from her today and it was about her first day in college describing the University and where she's living now. I can feel her enthusiasm in the words she said in these letters. It’s like she's here with me.

"Aren't you going to answer those letters?" My new friend Yuri asked.

"Its better this way, this way she'll move on easily without me." I said with a bitter smile.

Yuri let me cherished everything before I can be finally in peace. She became my friend in this hospital for the past months I've been doing this treatment. She made me sane from all of the pain I've experienced here to survive. Even at my lowest point in my life that I lost hope in believing that I will get better each day she was there.

"One day you'll regret not telling her the truth Tiffany. One day she'll move on for good and you'll think that you should've answered those letters and continue to communicate with her." Yuri said as she held my hand comforting me from the painful feeling that I've been experiencing right now from the chemotherapy.

But for me nothing is more painful than concealing everything from Jessi. For I am afraid of facing the truth about dying and how would she handle that.

“She’s gonna move on…” I mumbled.

***

“Honey are you sure you want to do this?” My mom asked.

“It’s for the best mom, she needs to know. What if I don’t survive the surgery?” I said.

“Don’t say that, you’re gonna get through this.” She said holding back tears.

“Mom we need to face the fact I may not live after the surgery… We’ve talk about this…” I said.

“Please honey, don’t say that… Have a little faith.” My mom said.

“I’m sorry mom…”

“Stephanie, it’s time for your surgery.” My doctor said.

Then I look at my mom who’s starting to cry because she knows it probably be the last time she might see me.

“Mom, promise me you’ll send this letter to Jessi.” I smiled.

“I love you Mom. Whatever happens to me, I love you and Dad.” With that she broke down in tears as the nurses took me to the operating room.

While waiting for the doctors last instructions before they put me into sleep, I started thinking about happy thoughts. My first ice cream, my first ride on a bike, and then suddenly I thought of the first time seeing Jessi writing at the park. It was the best day of my life seeing her that day. She changed my life turning everything into light. She became my friend, my love, and my everything. Even if we were young I know in my heart she’s my soulmate.

My thoughts runaway when my doctor spoke about what’s going to happen to me as the surgery will start. “Stephanie, start counting from ten.”

Then the nurse put the mask on me as I started counting.

End of Flashback

***

Yoona POV

Being and all is what she did for the past couple of months. At times I just want to hit her head with a bat so that it could be shaken up and get her back to her normal self. But things aren’t that easy around her. She’s always dark and gloomy or rather dark and and twisty as she sometimes think it’s best if she waits for that girl Tiffany under the rain thinking that probably she might show up this time around.

“You’re a complete mess Jessica. Are you basically out of your mind?” I grunted while changing her wet clothes since she hasn’t move an inch since we arrive at my apartment.

“Why didn’t she show up?” She mumbled.

“Probably because she’s with her fiancé?” I said sarcastically.

Then she started to cry again.

“Oh for God sakes Jessica! Wake the ing up! You know she’s not coming because she doesn’t love you the way I do!” I blurted out because I couldn’t take it anymore.

She looked at me with a quizzical look.

“I’m sorry…” She said as her eyes soften.

I kept mum waiting for her to say something other than being sorry. I’m fed up of her apologizing on things she shouldn’t be.

“You know I can’t fill that love Yoona… I’m ed up and you know that too well…” She said.

My stupid heart won me over and said, “I don’t care if you’re stupid or ed up Jessica, I just want you to let me take care of you… I’ve told you before this and now I’m telling you again, I love you Jessica Jung.”

In the heat of the moment I lunge myself to her and kiss her deeply and passionately. To my surprise she responded.

This moment is so surreal I can’t even think of anything right now. It’s like my mind went blank as soon as her lips matched mine. Then we stop the moment as we needed to breathe.

I took air in deeply as I watch her face surprised on what did just happen.

For a moment I want to say I’m sorry but a part of me doesn’t want to. Because this is my chance of proving her no matter what that I’m always here.

“I’m not going anywhere, Jessica.”

***

Jessica POV

I look at her and I see longing in her eyes. I don’t how what would I feel or how would I feel. She’s my friend the whole time and now she’s in love with me. How did I not see this early so I prevented it to happen?

“Yoona… You know I don’t feel the same way… I will just hurt you.” I said.

“You still don’t get it do you?” She said getting mad at me.

“All I want from you is you’ll let me take care of you! I can’t stand the fact that you’re still this crazy hung up stupid girl for someone who doesn’t care or even show up for you!”

“All I want is you Jessica, I want to take care of you and show you that there is life beyond that crazy bubble you created in your life.”

“I want to show you that things are not always dark that if you just let me in and love you the way you are.”

“I’m not asking you to love me back. I’m just asking you to let me in your life.”

After her confession to me I realized that my life have always revolved on people who haven’t showed any kind of this love that Yoona is showing to me all the time.

I’m blinded by those people whom I love and didn’t love me the way I should be love back. I don’t want to that to someone like Yoona.

She deserves better than this.

“I can’t guarantee you anything Yoona. But I will try my best to do the right thing because you deserve better.” I smiled and held her hand.

***

Months later things are different now. I see beautiful colors in my life now than I used to. I didn’t realize until now that I could be this happy and things could really go on my way. I’ve finish my book and now here I am standing in front of everyone showing them what I’ve worked for in months that I was in despair and mental breakdown.

“Black and White written by me, Jessica Jung” I mused.

Laughter came along the crowd after I said those words.

“It’s kind of hard to imagine that this little piece of work has come to light upon me.” I chuckled still amazed by the fact that I’m holding my very own book in my hands.

“I… never thought it will come this actually because I came to a point that I couldn’t write anymore…” I gathered all the courage I could get as I continue to make it through my speech.

“It was never easy to write a book especially this one since I’ve gone through… a depression that I thought I will not recover at all…” I look at the audience to see Yoona eye to eye.

“Thanks to my friend… actually she’s more than a friend to me now.” I smiled at the thought.

“Yoona, you made me who I am right now. I’m truly thankful for that…” I nervously think that this is the right opportunity to say this to her.

“…And now I will use this moment to ask you…” I held the book with me and went to where she’s situated at.

“Im Yoona, will you be…” I took a deep breath and said.

“Will you be my wife?”