Illustration by Flowerbeer

2 Dreams and Reality

Dreams and reality are like star-crossed lovers that’s going to fall apart in the end.

Until it’s as if it did not exist at all.

***

“Staring at those blank pages won’t give you any results you know.” I heard a voice coming from the door.

“Like you have anything to offer to me, Im Yoona.” I grunted as I continue to think of anything to write.

Then she sat beside me pointing at my head and said, “I could offer you a nice smack  on the head? Maybe something would finally come up for your story?”

“Don’t you even-” I glared at her while swatting her hand away from my head.

“Okay I won’t, but seriously how can you write in this kind of environment?” She said pertaining to my room filled with accumulated mess having forgotten to clean it for at least a few weeks now.

“I just forgot to clean it.”  I said.

“Really. But you haven’t forgotten about that girl.” She said while holding up a piece of art I made long ago.

I grab it from her and put it away hoping she would drop the subject.

“Oh come on don’t be like that.” She said.

“Like what?” I groaned.

“Like this! The mopping grumpy little prick that you are. You’re so gloomy and full of angst lately. You don’t even talk to me, to your family or anyone that gives you comfort. You’re wasting your time thinking about her, about the life you would have with that woman who left you hanging without saying anything at all! Have a life Jessica!”

“Wow you don’t need to yell at me like that Yoona.” I said looking at her.

“I know, I’m just practicing my emotions for the play I’m part of. So am I good?” She asked but I just rolled my eyes before I continue to stare at my blank pages.

“But seriously though Jess, what I said is true. You need to let it go, like Elsa did. Y’know what I’m saying?” She said trying to be funny.

“Okay I’ll stop you right there. Don’t be so melodramatic. I’ve already moved on. I’m not thinking about her. I’m thinking about someone- something else…”

“Ohh, Ohh! You have a new girl?! Spill it Jung who is it??” She asked enthusiastically, grinning at me like an idiot.

Then I told her about the girl named Tiffany I met few weeks ago.

***

“Well based on your story she seems nice so why don’t you go for it?” She questioned as if it was an easy thing to do.

“She’s actually engaged to someone.” I told her.

“Is she getting married this month?” She asked.

“I don’t know. We haven’t talked about that since I only knew about it when her fiancé suddenly showed up at her doorstep.” I said while glancing at the piece of paper with her number written on it that was tacked on my board.

Then I played back what happened few weeks ago. When I was with her, talking about and laughing over silly things made me think how I suddenly felt happy for the first time again in years. How I want to feel that kind of happiness when I met her. Even for a short while I just felt the connection between us; it was something that I couldn’t put into words.

“You know what, you should go. I have things to do.” I said.

Then I took my phone out to make a call.

***

I’m waiting inside this small café that Tiffany told me to meet her. It was nice and quiet in here. I looked at the time and it’s been an hour since I talked to her over the phone. A sudden ring from door made me flinched so I look over to see who came in.

Finally. She’s here.

“Hey Jessi! I’m so sorry I’m late I was stuck at the workshop, you know wedding stuff.” Shepanted.

When I heard the words “wedding stuff” I felt a sting in my heart hoping we would avoid another wedding related topic.

“Oh it’s fine I’m just glad you came.” I said.

We both sat there and ordered something to eat.

The waitress went to us and asked, “Ready to order Miss?”

“What are you having?” I asked while choosing from the menu.

“I’m having French toast and a strawberry milkshake. It’s one of the best here.” She said while looking at me showing her beautiful smile.

Little by little I begin to realize that I’m getting attached to her presence but deep down I knew I shouldn’t be because she’s already engaged and she seems so happy about it. Yet, the connection of sorts I feel between us, like a connection from a distant memory continues to nag at me.

“Oh okay I’ll be having what she’s having too.” I said then the waitress walked away to get our orders.

“So Jessi, what finally made you call me after three weeks since the day we’ve met?” She asked.

I felt nervous over her question but I couldn’t bail on this one so I blurted out the first thing that comes on my mind:

“Because, I miss you.”

I blushed because of embarrassment about the truth on what I feel.

“The first time we met, I knew I felt something right, something that I’ve felt before.” I said.

“I know this may sound crazy but… I’ve been thinking about you. Every single moment.”

I looked her straight in the eyes searching for something I knew she wouldn’t show. The tiny little thing called hope that I still clung on to. The crazy idea that she’d feel the same way.

The same way as I did when I first met her.

“Jessica…” She paused for a second probably thinking how stupid and crazy I am. “I’m getting married…”

Then it hit me again much harder than before.

How I wish I haven’t met her.

I wished I was just dreaming so I could wake up in this stupid crazy dream.

Wished that this reality I’m in right now is not as cruel as it can be.

“I’m sorry I… I’m sorry Tiffany I have to go..”

I walked out the door without looking back as I held back my tears.

***

“Jess! Open up! It’s me Krystal!” A sudden yell and loud banging was heard at the door.

“Leave me alone!” I yelled back as I cover myself with my sheets and wallow away with my depression.

“Whatever, I’m coming in!”

I heard a loud thud coming from the door. Then there she goes my annoying little sister barging into my apartment.

“Okay what do you want?!” I asked totally pissed off over this unwanted intrusion.

“Woah you need to chill out okay, Unnie. I brought you some food since Yoona called to complain that you haven’t eaten anything decent since last week.” She said handing me the bag of food that probably my mother made.

“Well sorry I wasn’t feeling good today.” I said while taking the food to the kitchen counter.

“Okay… What is the situation here? You sleep in the couch all day; you’re eating junk foods… Wow that’s new. Oh, and drinking lots of wine. Hmm… I’m guessing you’re still not over your ex, wow that was so last year unnie, get a life.” My annoyingly sarcastic sister suddenly punches those words straight to my face.

“I literally forgot how sarcastic you can be Soojung. So what brings you here, really?” I said while offering her something to drink but she declined.

“You know why I’m here.”

“Seriously I do not know why you’re that’s why I’m asking you.” I said trying to shut down anything related to my current situation as I put my sass on in retaliation.

“Well I’ve heard you’ve been really depressed that you don’t want to talk about it to anyone or even continue writing your book that is due in less than three months. How did you become like this?” She said stating all the facts that is going on with my life.

“It’s not about my ex okay; I’ve been over that you know.” I said, fidgeting my sheets.

“Really? But by the looks of it you’ve been acting the same way all over again. And now I’m wondering who made you like this?  If it’s not your ex... Oh My God it must be someone new isn’t it!?” She said enthusiastically as if my situation is rarely fun for her.

“Wow you can be so very intrusive.” I said then sighed before telling her the story.

“I met someone… Her name is Tiffany.”

I told her everything about the day I’ve met Tiffany and as I spoke, I felt something inside of me making me smile over and over again as I told the story.

“Seriously you look like retard while telling me those stories.” She said.

“Stop judging me okay, you’re not in the position to do that. You’re not Mom.” I said glaring at her.

“But you just met a girl who just told you about her hair fiasco and you’re telling me you’re in love with her? Are you really that crazy huh unnie?!” She said before throwing a pillow on my head.

“If it’s not love then why do I feel this way?” I said.

“So basically, you fell in love at first sight with this girl you’ve just met who happened to be engaged. Wow you’re really messed up sis, you need to make better life choices. For God’s sake unnie. How can you fall in love with someone who you’ve just met? I mean how even?!”

My little sister is lecturing me about life as if she knew better than me.

Though I have to admit she actually does know better than me.

“But what if I didn’t just meet her that day? What if we’ve met before but I just can’t remember? What if she’s my…” Then suddenly she stop me by throwing another pillow on my face right there.

“Okay you need to stop. Really. Stop being delusional we all know she’s not your soulmate, the love of your life, your Steph who happened to be dead a long long time ago. I’m sorry but I’m going to be mean and rude at you just to make you understand that life should go on.”

I thought to myself even my family is reaching out wondering how can I be so broken and detached by a one incident. But they don’t know how I felt, what I felt when I saw that bracelet of hers. They know nothing about it, nothing at all when that bracelet brought everything back that was already forgotten.

Forgotten a long time ago.