Life and Death.

Two words interconnected by a common word spelled as H-O-P-E

As death of a person occurs, a hundred will replace it.

 

If you were hurled towards a situation involving life and death...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...would you consider hope as your strength to cope with it?

 

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MO NAE

 

Eight months. I didn’t know how, but my baby and I were able to go through the first eight months.

Just one more month and it will be our judgment day. There’s no other means, but through a cesarean section. I hate being operated because I want to know what they do to me, but unfortunately, I won’t be able to do so. Or maybe I could choose to be on a half-conscious state, in order for me to see my child when it comes out. Ji Hoo told me that I have the right to select what I want to.

 

As I turn to my left, I saw my husband’s sleeping figure facing towards me. Now that thirty-two weeks have passed, I know I’ve been a huge pain for him.

 

Apples, strawberries, cherries.

Our kid has a weird taste. I wonder what the color of the baby would be. Would it be red because of these fruits?

Rosy cheeks. How cute!

It’s too bad the ultrasound cannot detect the gender. As a result, all the things mom and unnie bought were uni baby items. Sometimes, even Ji Hoo’s grandfather joins them in buying things for the room and other stuffs. I just let them, because I don’t want to be stressed regarding those things. It’s bad for us to feel stressed, but I must admit, having an ectopic pregnancy is so hard. I’m grateful that I didn’t have any severe pain attacks during these times. And that’s because my spouse is a great doctor. He knows how to take good care of us.

 

I smiled upon thinking of it. A baby that looks exactly like him, anyone would adore it. I just hope it’s not as bratty, as selfish, or as possessive as I am.  And of course, I pray that it wouldn’t be a murderer. No, I won’t allow it to happen.

Speaking of which, I still wonder what Tae Ra unnie and mom is hiding from me about it. I feel that I need to know something else.

 

My thinkings were disrupted when Ji Hoo opened his eyes and stared at me.

 

“You didn’t sleep?” He asked with his still-sleepy voice.

 

I reached out and pinched his nose. I didn’t know what came into me, but something about him made me do it.

 

“Hmm— must be one of the effects of being pregnant.” He said and held my hand.

 

He moved closer and touched my face with my big stomach lying in between us.

 

“Why aren’t you sleeping, Mrs. Yoon? Do you know that baby Yoon will be tormented if you keep doing this?”

 

I smiled and looked down at the bulge on my body.

 

“I know. Sorry, baby.” I said as I caress it.

 

He touched it too and pulled me closer as he closed his eyes again. I saw the brass ship's clock hanging on the wall.

 

Six Ante Meridiem.

 

He has to wake up soon because his shift is at eight.  And I will be alone here again. Grandpa usually goes out with his companions too, so I’m left here with the helpers.

 

I think I’m in for some visiting in the hospital later. After all, I have a scheduled prenatal for this month.

 

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JI HOO

 

Eight months. My family was able to survive eight long months.

I know the dangers of ectopic pregnancy and I’m thankful none of them occurred all this time. I’m doing all I can to take care of them, but it somehow got the better of me as I feel so tired working and looking out for them at the same time. Well, I didn’t mind because I’m happy doing it. I won’t allow any of them to leave me for I am not ready for the pain I have to bear.

 

 

 

I went directly to my office when I arrived. I immediately picked up the charts on my table to see the cases I would handle for this day, when something unusual caught my sight— a folder.

This doesn’t look like a chart for me. I picked it up to see what’s on it.

 

Shim Gun Wook

Some additional information about him. I’ve been doing a secret research because I want to know what really happened to him. I want to help Mo Nae ease the burden and guilt she feels about him, but what I learned made me realize that her guilt will just be amplified when she knew about this.

 

I heard knocks on my door. It couldn’t be a health personnel because they know what my time in is, so maybe it’s a friend or a family member. I checked the time to see if I can still entertain visitors.

 

Seven thirty.

 

I have thirty minutes to spare.

 

“Come in.” I said to whoever that person is.

 

“Good morning, did I bother you?”

 

I smiled at her. “Not really.”

 

I went to the small couch and motioned her to sit with me.

 

“Did you see the documents?” She asked when she took the empty space beside me.

 

I nodded and replied, “Thanks for your help, noona.”

 

“But Ji Hoo—“

 

She held my arms with her tensioned hands.

 

“— are you planning on telling this to her? You know her condition and she might give birth any time soon.”

 

“I know that, Tae Ra noona. I don’t have aims on telling her that Shim Gun Wook is actually your half-brother from your father.”

 

Just when I said that, the door suddenly opened and it left both of us in shock.

 

“Mo Nae!” Noona stood up and went to her.

 

Mo Nae stepped back and threw noona’s hand away from her. She looked at her, then at me.

 

“You don’t expect to keep this a secret from me forever, do you?” She asked. Tears were slowly forming in her eyes.

 

I stood up and made my way to her.

 

“Please, stop. This isn’t the right topic for you.”

 

“And what is?!” She yelled.

“I can’t believe I’ve been deceived by the people I trusted the most!”

 

“I said stop!” I yelled back.

 

I didn’t know how long she has been standing behind the door nor how much she heard. Or maybe she saw noona heading to my office and followed her.

 

I stared at Tae Ra noona. She stared back at me and sighed.

 

“I’ll leave you guys first.”

 

She stormed out of the room, but I know she’d stay outside just in case anything bad happens.

 

I looked at my wife again.

 

“Look, I’m sorry I haven’t told you about this. I’m just thinking of your welfare. You know the consequences.”

 

I hope she would understand, but instead, she glared at me.

 

“You should have told me! I wake up each day like what a normal person does, without knowing that the life I’ve ended was the life of my brother! I didn’t have any idea that I’m living like a fool — a fool that my own husband made me!”

 

I took a deep breath and looked down. I can’t dare see the hurt expression that she has, because it hurts me just as much.

 

“I know you have the right to know that, but I couldn’t risk your safety. I know precisely how you would react.” I said in a subtle way.

 

I can’t let this one be the cause of a broken relationship— the relationship that I treasure with all my life. This is my third attempt in love and I won’t permit it to be wasted like the first two— not when we’re already married.

 

“Really? You know how I would react?” She asked. Satiric tone was shown on her voice.

She nodded slowly as she tried to stop her tears by looking everywhere.

“Well—“ She said again and gave her gaze back on mine.

“— I want to congratulate you, because you just won by adding to my SELF-DISGRACE!”

 

A loud sob break out from her. She turned around to leave the room, but stopped midway.

I was going to stop her anyway, but then I realized— she stopped because blood began creeping out her thighs.

 

“Ji Hoo?” Her shimmying voice called me out.

 

I can sense her fear. I quickly got over my shock and rushed to her side as I picked her up and ran out of the office.

She started to cry and held on to me tightly.

 

“Be strong, Mo Nae!" I tried to sooth her and held her tightly hiding my panicky feeling inside.

 

Tae Ra noona saw what was happening. It was good that she kept a serene disposition and immediately called the other members of the family.

 

 “Ji Hoo, please don’t let anything happen to the child!” Mo Nae said still crying, but with strong words covering her fear.

“Promise me, Ji— promise me that— that you will— you will save my baby— our baby.”

 

“Don’t say anything like that.” I said trying to calm her.

"You both will be alright.”

 

I can see pain all over face and her breathing getting short and fast.

 

“Hold on, Mo Nae. Please.” I kept on talking to her in encouraging words.

“You can do it.”

 

We finally reached the Maternity Unit and were met by the team with the trolley. I placed her there, but she wouldn’t let go of me.

 

 

MO NAE
 

I decided to pass by Ji Hoo's office before having my prenatal visit, but when I was about to enter, I heard Tae Ra unnie's voice setting in. I did not intend to listen to what they were talking about, but what I just heard made me sick.

 

I murdered my own brother!

 

It was as if the world just weighted down on me. That was the one thing they've been hiding from me and Ji Hoo— my husband knows it too.

I collected my courage to enter the room. We had a little commotion inside, but fear set in as I felt that inflictive pain in my stomach and saw the blood trickling down my thighs.

I called out at Ji Hoo and in a swift moment, he was carrying me in his arms. I started to cry and held on tightly to him.

I beseeched him not to let anything ghastly happen to the soul inside me.

If there would be a choice between my life and the baby’s, I want Ji Hoo to choose our baby.

The child must live even if it means giving up my life.

This little angel will live. I took a life before— a life that was actually related to me by blood— and I can’t take another, not to mention, an innocent one at that.

 

 

My angel, you are mommy’s saviour.

Be strong, my baby, just wait.

A few more, and daddy will save you.

You’re my sweet little angel.

Wishing you a good life—

better— way better than mine.

Take care of daddy for me.

I will watch over you and daddy.

I promise you that.

Always remember, I love you.

I love you more than my life.

 

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JI HOO

 

She was looking paler and whiter every second that passed by. Her hand’s tight grip on mine started losing its strength.

As she was wheeled inside the operating room, she was starting to drift off and lose consciousness.

I had to let go of her hand when she was being prepared for a caesarean procedure.

The team was moving quickly as she was losing blood and her blood pressure was getting unstable every minute.

I stepped back and watched them attach her to all the necessary equipment.

 

Dr. Hwang approached me and asked something I was reallly afraid of.

 

 “I know this is a difficult time for you and your wife, but I need to ask you this— who are we going to save, the mother or the baby?”

 

I looked at Mo Nae’s almost lifeless body on the operating table. I felt all the pain and sadness rushed inside my inner core.

I can’t lose her. No, I can’t.

 

 

I’m sorry, my little angel,

Please, forgive daddy.

I can’t lose your mommy

Not at this time or any other time.

 

 

“Can you not save them both? Please— please, I beg you— do all you can to save both of them.”

 

“We will try and do our best, but we can’t promise.” She replied and went back to the table to begin the procedure.

 

I moved back and leaned on the wall.

 I never prayed as fervently as I did at this moment. I can’t seem to breathe as if there is something pressing down on me.

 I looked on the team wasting no time trying to save the two people I can’t live without.

Watching all the tubing hooked up on Mo Nae’s fragile lifeless-looking body, my tears started to flow down my cheeks.

 

 

Please, please God!

Don’t take her away from me.

Not yet, not now, not ever!

And our little angel,

be strong!

We want you with us,

see you grow and enjoying life.

Please, God, please!

Hear my prayer!

 

 

I slumped down on the floor.

It felt like an eternity of waiting when in reality, it was just over fifteen minutes.

I covered my face with my palm and prayed continuously.

Wishing— praying— hoping—

 

 

Dear God!

It’s all up to you—

 

Please, Mo Nae, don’t you dare leave me.

I won’t forgive you if you did.

Keep fighting. You are stronger than you think.

 

 

The voices of the doctors and nurses were just mumbles in my ears. They were just a blur as I looked into Mo Nae’s body covered in a blue sheet.

 

“It’s a boy!” I heard someone said.

 

I looked up and saw this little figure swaddled in blood. It seemed lifeless and no sound was coming from him.

 

Little angel, please cry!

 

The pediatrician suctioned the baby and a little whimper came out from his little mouth.

 

“Baby is stable.”

 

I breathed a sigh of relief. I never heard a wonderful sound more than that little whimper.

 

“Thank God!”

 

“She is crashing!”

 

“No! No! No! Mo Nae, please please please!”

 

 

 

I was taken to a private room to wait. All the family members were there. All are waiting nervously and anxiously.

 

 “The baby is stable and being seen to.”

 

“That’s pleasant to know.” They were assuaged for what they just heard.

“What about Mo Nae?”

 

“They are still trying to save her.”

 

Melancholy loomed over the room like a dark cloud— like a sword of Damocles, dangerously hanging over our heads.

 

A nurse entered the room. All looked up expectantly, waiting for news, preferably a good one.

 

“Dr. Yoon, please excuse me, but can I ask what the name of the baby boy would be?”

 

I looked at her and replied, “Gun Wook. Yoon Gun Wook.”

 

That’s what Mo Nae would want if it’s a boy and I think it’s just fitting.

A new life to remember another one’s life.

 

The family seemed to understand the importance of the name.

 It will heal the wound of hate and deception. Finally recover the happiness and the joy of living that has been missing all these years.

 

The minutes seemed to drag into hours while waiting for some news.

 

The knock on the door and as it opened, everybody on tenterhooks waited with bated breaths.

 

Dr. Hwang appeared with her tiredness painted on her composure. She looked at all of us until her eyes settled on me.

 

She walked over to my direction and revealed something.

 

“I don’t know what to say but—”

 

“NO!” My heart made a wild escape as I held onto her arms tightly.

 

“— she managed to pull through— still 50/50, but stable.  She is in the Intensive Care, unconscious and breathing with the help of a ventilator. She is still having blood transfusion, because she lost too much blood.”

 

“She made it?” I unbelievingly asked. It seem like my chest will burst this time with happiness.

“Thank you, Dr. Hwang. Thank God!”

 

Everybody in the room was crying with happiness upon hearing the good news.

 

I took my last breath of relief. 50/50 or unstable. At least I know she made it. She hasn’t left me and our child yet. And she will make it. I know she will.

 

 

Mo Nae, you came to me.

Thank you for staying stalwart.

I knew you wouldn’t give up easily.

I’m sorry for not telling you about your brother.

You killed him by mistake,

but it doesn’t have any value to me anyway.

Whether you were the most infamous human being alive,

my emotions for you will not be affected.

I think I’ve said this before,

And I won’t be tired of saying it many times over—

I love you,

I still do,

and I will always do.

 

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